Obvious newcomer here, let me lay out my situation.
Married 6.5 years, 2 boys, 14 and 3 (14 year old is from prior abusive relationship, but I love him as my own)
BD: My wife asked for a divorce 23 Oct, the day after I returned from a hunting trip. She is not willing to reconcile or go to couples’ counseling, but she has stated that she is pursuing individual therapy.
Before the BD: I knew she wasn’t happy, but I didn’t know why and she wouldn’t tell me when I asked her prior to that point. I had been reading up on what makes a good marriage and how to be a better husband, I even downloaded a bunch of audiobooks and podcasts to take on my hunting trip. She had been extremely distant in recent months, obviously avoiding me and indirectly avoiding the kids. I initially thought this was because she was exploring a new passion that was time consuming (creating an online community; I encouraged her to pursue it because I knew she wasn’t happy and I thought it would help, which it has to some degree), but I eventually realized something was wrong with the amount of avoidance, especially how it affected the kids. I confronted her about it and things somewhat improved with the kids, but not with her and me. I knew something had to be done about the marriage so I committed myself to finding out our issues and being a better man/husband.
We have always been good friends. Our fights have been few and minor, and we are always able to reach a quick and mutually agreed upon resolution. We make excellent teammates, but made a lousy couple. Let me explain: We started off as best friends, for a long time. Things turned romantic right before I was stationed overseas (military) and we pursued a 2 year LDR - this relationship was amazing, we connected on a whole new emotional level (and physical when I took leave) and when I returned to the states, we got married. In this next part, I am going to focus exclusively on my faults in the marriage; I will get to hers eventually.
When we got married and moved in together, I realize now that I stopped pursuing her emotionally. This was my first long-term relationship (> 6 months) and I never received the wisdom or gained the insight on my own (due to being naive) to understand that the “Honeymoon” phase that is full of great interactions, both emotional and physical, would eventually end. I truly believed that our shared history and the vows we took would carry us forever. We got to the routine part of the relationship, but I failed to pursue the emotional connection we had. After reading the 5 Love Languages, I realize that I was trying to connect romantically on a whole different level than she needed. I need physical touch, primarily, and she needs quality time together. We both failed to make quality time for each other - life got busy with careers, school (she started on her Master’s degree and I started my Bachelor’s when she graduated), and kids. I also let myself go in a number of ways - I stopped living my own life as an individual, especially in the social arena. I also let myself go physically during the pregnancy of our youngest. Long story short, I stopped being the attractive person she fell for. She “fell out of love” with me 2-3 years ago wherein the relationship became nearly sexless.
She carries around a lot of emotional baggage. Her relationship with her family is rocky at best and she experienced a truly abusive relationship that our oldest was born from. Because of this, when she reaches a certain level of frustration or resentment, she shuts down. This happened between us, though her resentment never came across as anger or anything, and I honestly don’t think she knows how much resentment was built up over the years. I didn’t realize I had been shut out emotionally as we operated as such a good team in every other realm of family life, but I see it clear as day now. She never communicated her emotional/romantic needs or expectations to me, or the fact that she was finding me less attractive - I believe this is because the changes were gradual and she felt the same way about the marriage that I did, that it would just endure. She also has body image issues that comes and goes - overall she is a very confident, beautiful person, but there are chips in the armor so to speak.
That’s the backdrop for where I am now. I was crushed by the BD, I did all the wrong things for the first week. I pleaded for another chance, wrote long emotional letters and emails, and failed to give her any space. I turned to the internet to find answers (I wasn’t ready to admit anything to friends or family yet) and I found this website and a slew of other resources. I read DR and got into IC. Most resources say the same general concept - I cannot control her decision and the more I try, the further I push her away. I need to GAL, work on the things I can control, and focus on being the best father I can. I’ve done a lot of reflection on how we got to this point (especially my role) and I’ve implemented the 180 and the LRT, but I feel like my situation is weird or unique in a way (just like everyone else). She wants to cohabitate in the marital home for the kids after the divorce. I know this stunts moving on emotionally (though my oldest and I seem to be doing well - I am actively monitoring his behavior), but logistically/financially it makes a lot of sense. It also makes giving and getting space more difficult. We have moved to separate bedrooms, but still share many things in the house. Essentially, the whole situation is a complicated mess. When we do hangout in the house, things are pretty good; I think sometimes she forgets that we’re getting divorced.
I know that she was faithful up until the point of the BD, but I am not sure if she still is. We talked about sexual boundaries during this period, but she clearly stated that nothing was off the table at the moment and she needed to “discover herself”. The only rule she would agree to was not to bring anyone to the house or introduce the kids when she gets into a relationship. We are switching off weeks for who has responsibility for the kids and she spends at least one night of her week “without” the kids at another person’s house, but I don’t ask and she doesn’t tell. She seemed very reluctant to start anything physical at the moment, but I am planning for the worst and hoping for the best.
Despite all the turmoil and uncertainty, I love my wife and want her to come back to the marriage. I know things can never be the same and I honestly wouldn’t want that. I hold a very strong conviction against divorce and I feel like there is a whole field of stones left unturned to resolve our issues. When we talk, I feel like there is hope. She’s seen major changes in me within these last 4.5 weeks (without me advertising) and she seems determined to follow through with divorce. I know that she didn’t come to this decision quickly and she won’t come out of it quickly, if at all, but I remain hopeful.
DB steps I’ve taken so far: 1. Stopped pursuing and asking questions 2. Started talking and hanging out with other people 3. Read/listened to a lot of self-improvement books and podcasts (if you need some cathartic listening, the podcast “Terrible, Thanks for Asking” is great. I use it as an emotional release on occasion. 4. Started investing time into my hobbies 5. Spend time with my wife when she initiates conversation (fairly often) 6. Started working out and dieting, though I feel like I’m going overboard on the diet (lost 18lbs since D-Day, but feel fine - just hungry mostly) 7. I’ve read a ton of stuff on this forum, especially from Cadet and Sandi2 Exercising more leadership in the power dynamic (Trying to stop being such a pushover/nice guy)
The point of this post is this: 1. What is your take on my situation? 2. For those who neglected their social lives (aka codependent), what were your winning strategies and tactics with GAL? 3. Besides GAL, what other steps should I be taking? 4. What boundaries do you suggest I implement? How and why? 5. If you have any book/show/etc. suggestions, please share. 6. Anything else you think might help me in my pursuit of healing myself and potentially the marriage.
Also, sorry for the wall of text and the lack of coherent organization.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm so sorry to read of your situation. Honestly your faults don't sound that bad. You didn't cheat on your wife. You weren't abusive. You're not an addict or a criminal. You and your wife may have gotten off track but if she was concerned about that she could have asked to pursue couples counseling. It doesn't make sense that she just quits a marriage that could be fixed, especially after you show the willingness to do the work on your side to improve. Surely this must be more about her own inner turmoil or an affair she's having (or is about to have) than about you because you don't sound bad! Sure maybe she got tired from not feeling the emotional connection or having quality time together but those things can be fixed. My husband cheated, lied, abandoned my daughter and I and I still was willing to work on the marriage (and still would under certain circumstances). When two people want to be together they'll find a way even when things go wrong.
It doesn't sound fair to you that your wife wants a divorce but she wants to keep living at home and yet be free to go out and date. If I were you I'd say no to continuing to live together after divorce. The higher you make the stakes of divorce, the less appealing the idea will be. Perhaps when it comes down to actually moving out and being on her own your wife will back off the idea. If you just agree to keep having her live there then she's getting everything she wants at your expense, which just isn't right. And it's really hard to see your wife get dressed up to go out with another man while living at home.
On the other hand, since you and your wife are still living together then let's hope the divorce won't happen too fast. It may be in your best interest to keep living together right up until the divorce takes place. This way your wife will see all your positive changes and realize what she's losing. It seems there's much more hope for you than for someone who's wife already moved out and stopped communicating. Your wife may have all these dreams about how great her life will be when she's divorced and how she doesn't want you anymore, but when you become a new man and when she's faced with the reality of a smaller house being away from the kids half the time she may change her mind.
It seems there is still hope in your situation, but I really believe if you agree to have her continue living there after divorce it'll make the option of divorce much more easy and appealing for your wife than if she has to move out (and really she should move out since she's the one who doesn't want the marriage!). It may be hard when you're desperately trying to save your marriage and don't want to lose your wife to say you two can't keep living together, but making divorce a less attractive option could make a difference when she reaches the point of second-guessing her decision!
Well first of all thank you for your military service, done that myself.
You are not going to talk your way out of these marital problems, Learn that actions speak louder than words, And you are only responsible for 50% of the marriage.
Granted that you are 100% responsible for your half, You can't force her to love you.
Love is a choice not a feeling.
It sounds like she has her own issues and you can not FIX her issues. . You have to let go and just work on yourself.
Read up on pursuit and distance and stop pursuing her.
I truly believed that our shared history and the vows we took would carry us forever.
Me too. [/quote]I know that she was faithful up until the point of the BD, but I am not sure if she still is. We talked about sexual boundaries during this period, but she clearly stated that nothing was off the table at the moment and she needed to “discover herself”. The only rule she would agree to was not to bring anyone to the house or introduce the kids when she gets into a relationship. [/quote]
Why would you agree to any of this? You agreed that she can have sex with others, just as long as it's not happening at home? I'd tell you don't agree to this.
It's hard right now, but that's why we make vows. If it were easy to do, we wouldn't need a vow.
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She wants to cohabitate in the marital home for the kids after the divorce
She's in fantasy land. Just be honest and say there aint a chance in hell.
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I think sometimes she forgets that we’re getting divorced.
Says who? She file yet, is it over yet?
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1. What is your take on my situation? 2. For those who neglected their social lives (aka codependent), what were your winning strategies and tactics with GAL? 3. Besides GAL, what other steps should I be taking? 4. What boundaries do you suggest I implement? How and why? 5. If you have any book/show/etc. suggestions, please share. 6. Anything else you think might help me in my pursuit of healing myself and potentially the marriage.
1.You have a walkaway spouse (WAS) who is potentially already looking elsewhere or maybe further along. Steve will be along to back this up. Most of the situations have a wayward spouse(WS), very few spouses can keep it in their pants until the divorce is final. And very few WS's do a whole lot to make divorce happen right away. 2. Just get out there and do what you enjoy. Find new hobbies, rediscover old ones, go on meetup.com, join sports leagues, go to social events. Make it about you and not your marital pain. 3.Read the detachment thread here and work on not letting her actions and words affect you. Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. This will help you see things as they are and not as you want them to be. 4. What boundaries do you think are appropriate? 5. I dunno, maybe No More Mr Nice Guy. You really tried to Nice Guy her by acting like you'd live together after divorce. 6. Make sure you know what pursuit is and you are sticking to it. A lot of people don't want to think they are pursuing.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I know that she was faithful up until the point of the BD, but I am not sure if she still is. We talked about sexual boundaries during this period, but she clearly stated that nothing was off the table at the moment and she needed to “discover herself”. The only rule she would agree to was not to bring anyone to the house or introduce the kids when she gets into a relationship.
JB...do you REALLY know? I am terribly sorry, but what you've said sounds like she is already with or in pursuit of someone else. Given her "terms" and her "discover herself"...your sitch (situation) reeks of someone else in the picture. I would tell you to take off your rose colored glasses on her right now.
[qoute=jb42]She wants to cohabitate in the marital home for the kids after the divorce[/quote]
THIS ^^^^^ is C.R.A.Z.Y. "cake eating" as we call it here. Like ovrrnbw just told you COMPLETE fantasy/delusion land.
Originally Posted by jb42
Despite all the turmoil and uncertainty, I love my wife and want her to come back to the marriage. I know things can never be the same and I honestly wouldn’t want that.
There are tons of us men and women who feel exactly as you do about your spouse and MR, but given what you have provided about your sitch things may already be less the same than the realize and you may really not want that.
Read, read, read the information Cadet gave you. There is SO MUCH helpful information for you. Also, shut up, shut up, shut up with your mouth, text or email to your W regarding the relationship. You can do MUCH more damage via pursuit in any of those methods.
Know that you are not alone in what you are dealing with and post often where many wonderful people will give you great advice.
This was my first long-term relationship (> 6 months) and I never received the wisdom or gained the insight on my own (due to being naive) to understand that the “Honeymoon” phase that is full of great interactions, both emotional and physical, would eventually end. I truly believed that our shared history and the vows we took would carry us forever.
and
Originally Posted by JB42d
...when she reaches a certain level of frustration or resentment, she shuts down. This happened between us, though her resentment never came across as anger or anything, and I honestly don’t think she knows how much resentment was built up over the years. I didn’t realize I had been shut out emotionally as we operated as such a good team in every other realm of family life, but I see it clear as day now.
This. I've experienced the same (I'm sure many of us have), and I have to say you and I may be similar in where we are at emotionally. It feels unfair, doesn't it? That we realize "hey! This isn't stuff we were ever taught, but I'm certainly wanting to learn and listen!" and yet that isn't received by the spouse as an option. I see you've taken the time to really dive into the material and see what you can do to better yourself with a honest goal of improvement.
All I can say is keep growing. We've lost our teammates, they're not the same people. So be your own best teammate and see just how far you can go on your own.
Well put Yail...we made vows that we thought would carry us forever with the expectation that if something wasn't working, we'd be told, we'd listen, adjust and keep going. Instead it's more like once the sand in the hourglass ran out, we're done for and off go our spouses while we're there saying "but we took vows!!".
