Hello all. I am an old timer....11 years post bomb drop. Man, how did that happen?LOL!
I haven't posted in a while and I am not sure what prompted me to post today, but here goes.
You will not die. That's the truth of it. I thought I would. I really did. I did not think I would survive it. For a lot of reasons.
But i did. Mostly because of the generous, loving people I met here, my wonderful therapist and my son. But also because of me. The work I did. The strength I found.
I came kicking and screaming into DB. I could not get it for the longest time. It made no sense to me. Detach?? Let him go?? Find me? What??? My marriage was ending. The life I knew was gone. How could doing all of that help?
So, I kept making excuses. I kept fighting the idea of all of this.
Until one day....I didn't.
And that is when I had to roll up my sleeves and do the work.
It isn't easy this. I had set backs and I ran into my hole. The people here...my people... wouldn't let me do that for long. They challenged me and consoled me and pushed me. Held me up when I couldn't do it myself. It was a long journey...mainly because of my stubbornness...Be quiet, Mach. .
I can promise you this: Once you decide and I mean really decide to let go....your life begins anew.
You see, they cant move through their stuff, while you are hanging onto their pant legs. And you cant move through yours either. How can you see forward when they are in the way? You way down there? They are running towards a life they think they want while you are weighing them down.
The only way to do this...is to leave them to do their thing. And it will be ok. You will be growing and changing and becoming who you were always meant to be.
Need to hear this. Really need it to sink in. Not that you have to uRworthy, but could you share what it was that flipped the switch" on your fighting DB?
I think I found mine. Time will tell about that though.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Thank you for posting and providing sage advice to the posters. It takes a while for the sage advice to settle in, but once it does, life will get a bit easier for each of you because you will not be focusing quite as much on what your spouse/companion is doing because you will then be focusing on you and your family.
Print off uRworthy's advice and re-read it often. It's priceless.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for posting. I too needed to read this yesterday and most days to be honest. I wish you well on your life's journey and hope that it continues to bring you blessings and joy.
I was asked what made me start letting go. Mostly I was going down cheeseless tunnels, right? I mean what I was doing wasn't helping the situation.
I started to ask myself some questions. Was what I was doing or not doing getting me to where I wanted to be? The answer was no, it wasn't.
He was still running...as fast as he could. I was still crying, clinging, watching for any sign that he was looking my way.
That wasn't good for anyone.
So I had start to look within. What were my contributions to the breakdown of the marriage. Now that doesn't mean that I was taking the blame for his actions. Nope. Those were all his. It meant that I had to be honest with myself. Once I owned only MY stuff, I set about trying to change those things that I felt needed changing.
And the great thing about starting that journey was, I took my power back.
I realized that I didn't have to like what he said about me and the marriage. I didn't have to agree with it all, but, I did have to hear it.
Please understand. I did not work on me with the hope that he would change his mind. Those kinds of changes don't last and they see right through them. I did this for me. I needed to take back my life
What happens then is that you see them more clearly, too. You aren't looking at them from a place of fear, but, from a place of strength.
You do you. Focus on you and your children if you have any. Leave them to their craziness.
Make the changes. Let them see strength and confidence. Feel it deep in your soul. Because you are worthy.
I’ve seen the ideas you’ve written about here elsewhere, and I am starting to more intentionally come around on this.
I’m admittedly struggling at times with looking at my negative contributions to our marriage—and still feeling regret at times over that (and it still every now and then drags me down hard, even though I’m seeing an IC, coming here, and being a Catholic, I gave that up to confession).
But am totally feeling the changing those things that I felt truly need changing. Working on me to the extent that I can, GAL as much as I can, improving my own appearance, and focusing on my two S (things I do around the house I frame as either doing for myself, or for them, or for all 3 of us).
Hi Bo. Trust me on this...I was extremely hard on myself when confronting my part in the breakdown of my marriage. Extremely. I took all the blame...and then I realized a few things.
Anything I did or didn't do was never with the intent to cause harm. That mattered to me...the intent.
And I did the best I could at the time.Had I known better..I would have done better.
If you hang onto all if that, it weighs you down. It stops you from moving forward.
So..forgive yourself and make sure you aren't taking on their stuff.
The forgiveness part is mostly going well—every now and then it flares up.
As a Catholic, I am keeping in mind that I brought this to confession, and it STAYS THERE.
I also keep remembering to not hold onto her stuff. She is responsible to an extent, too. I didn’t break her, can’t fix her.
What bothered me when W and I had our chat in Oct. was the focus on what I did, and the shocking lack of specifics (besides a comment about how I neglected to do a couple of her laundry items for a very long time). I was like, this is what you got?
I know I won’t die, but I also know that the MR in this current form needs to die, in some way—either to be healed and R, or the alternative (S / D).
I’m sure all of us can relate here, but I miss my W as the woman I married. I know people change, but she even admitted to me in the last few months that she has changed a lot. Every now and then I see the woman that I married, but for the most part....not so much.
Wow, did I need that. It was almost like it was written just for me.
Several here have warned me about wanting to move this too fast. I honestly thought "they don't really get my sitch" and "we are different" than the rest on this board. Recently discovered that they were right. I was moving too fast to see what was really happening. My WW has gotten so good at lying to me that she almost sucked me right back into the same, tired & broken MR.
Thank you so much....
Me- 47 Her- 43
S-20 S-18 S-13 S11
Together 23 years Married 21 years
EA confirmed 11/13 EA "ended" 1/14 PA confirmed 10/18 Started MC 11/18
Bo, I have been around a long time. It sounds like there may be some sort of crisis going on with your wife.
Here's the thing..you have to let go of who your wife was, because if you don't, you will keep feeling as you do. The sooner you accept that this is who she is right now, the better you can move forward. Now, dont get me wrong. It is hard. But know this...what you had was real. Dont allow her to rewrite history. You know your truth.
You need to go through the steps of grief because this is a death of what your marriage was. That doesnt mean there cant be a new marriage if that is what is meant to be.
You cant rush through this. It takes as long as it does. And you dont want to rush through any of the steps because if you do, they come back around to bite you.
The most important thing is this...begin to believe that this was a journey you were meant to go on. I know that for myself without a single doubt.
I also know that I could have been perfect and it would not have mattered because he was broken. It had, except for the stuff I needed to own, very little to do with me. This was his journey, too.
My job was this...not to cause harm to the relationship my son forged with his dad, to accept what my h felt, and to walk my path with dignity and courage.
You cannot change how she feels. Nor should you want to. That doesnt work in the long run for either of you.
So, feel what you need to and then let those feelings wash over you. That is the way forward.
Thanks. I have to believe that there is some sort of crisis with the W—she has admitted to me in the past month or two that she felt like she has lost her sense of self. I’m sure a lot of that drives her anger / unhappiness. To what extent that is because of the pregnancy (sharing a body with YS, and then YS needing so much, especially with respect to breast-feeding), W being home on maternity leave (up until Christmas), and / or that is because the pregnancy closed off a career path to her—to what extent, I’m not sure, I don’t think I will ever know, and I’m not even sure she knows, tbh. It seems to me (but I can’t and won’t force her), is that she needs to sort this out, to some extent via prayer, but definitely with a IC. I’ve maintained numerous times on these threads that if she is in such a bad place, that she needs to be in front of an IC every week or two, but I’m not going to force her.
I am doing my best to accept who she is, and detach, but for me the struggle is finding balance—detach lovingly, without being cold or mean—although since that would require me being rather different than in the past, it may initially look like being cold or mean to her. In that respect I need to thread the needle.
I tried to be perfect over spring and summer, and even during paternity leave that I took after YS was born, but it doesn’t seem like it mattered to her, from what she told me back in Oct., so I echo what you are saying.
I do feel like this pregnancy ‘broke’ her—and I can’t (shouldn’t AND won’t) put her back together. I didn’t break her, can’t fix her. This is her journey, too. I’m not going to try to change how she feels—I do know that that won’t work either short-term or long-term.
I haven't stopped by in years either and have also don't know what made me do so today. But.....it certainly didn't kill me. I am living my best life ever at 50 years old and largely because of finally ending a bad marriage. I read through some of my posts from many years ago: what a pathetic, weak "crumb eating" excuse of a human I was back then.
I love my new life with my hotter, younger, smarter, healthier, everythinger new wife. There are 3.6 billion women and men on earth. Remember that!
You will not die. That's the truth of it. I thought I would. I really did. I did not think I would survive it. For a lot of reasons.
But i did. Mostly because of the generous, loving people I met here, my wonderful therapist and my son. But also because of me. The work I did. The strength I found.
I came kicking and screaming into DB. I could not get it for the longest time. It made no sense to me. Detach?? Let him go?? Find me? What??? My marriage was ending. The life I knew was gone. How could doing all of that help?
So, I kept making excuses. I kept fighting the idea of all of this.
Until one day....I didn't.
And that is when I had to roll up my sleeves and do the work.
It isn't easy this. I had set backs and I ran into my hole. The people here...my people... wouldn't let me do that for long. They challenged me and consoled me and pushed me. Held me up when I couldn't do it myself. It was a long journey...mainly because of my stubbornness...Be quiet, Mach. .
I can promise you this: Once you decide and I mean really decide to let go....your life begins anew.
You see, they cant move through their stuff, while you are hanging onto their pant legs. And you cant move through yours either. How can you see forward when they are in the way? You way down there? They are running towards a life they think they want while you are weighing them down.
The only way to do this...is to leave them to do their thing. And it will be ok. You will be growing and changing and becoming who you were always meant to be.
Leave them to their journey. You walk yours.
You wont die from this. You will be reborn.
Quoted EVERYTHING. Because it's all true. I never believed any of this post-BD. But I did put in the work because I did not want to stay feeling the way I was. I wanted to get out of that hell. I begged and pleaded for an end to the pain. I did my share of complaining here and was feeling hopeless, even though folks here told me otherwise.
And then, when I finally FULLY detached, the pain eased significantly, the birth of a new life for me occurred, and, as my signature says, I rose. I love my life now. I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Everything in my life is better now. My relationship to my parents, child, friends, and to a certain extent, my STBXW.
I am looking forward to what is coming for me.
Your time is coming as well. Just keep going. It will get better.
I just posted for the first time. I thought I should come here and let you know that this thread gave me the courage to do so. I have been lurking here and just didn't know how/where to start.
When this first started this ride? journey? nightmare? I felt like I couldn't breathe, but now after 19 months - and a lot of prayer! - I have come to realize that the work I have been doing on myself was the best thing that has happened to me. I had to tell myself this truth every day - You will not die. This feeling will not be your story.
If my marriage ends, it will end with me being the best me I have ever been. I did not waste this.
Thank you so much.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I couldn't save my marriage, it was excruciating. You can't control another person.
For the record, everything terrible I thought would happen actually happened.. In fact worse things happened than I could have imagined. All the cognitive behavior therapy and de-catastophizing didn't stop these things from happening.
Our divorce was worthy of a Jerry Springer episode.
I had trouble letting go. But let go I did. And when I did things got better. Sometimes you can't control how and when you let go, but you do. You mind and body need to survive so it will let go for you. Detaching and letting go is tough for most of us.
Now, 6 years after we're divorced, I have a great job, wonderful friends, a great relationship with my children, and even a lovely girlfriend.
You will not die, even if things don't turn out the way you hoped they would.
I'm only in the beginning of this mess. Withdrawn - check. No sex - check. Affairs - check. ILYBINILWY - check. BD - check.
She's still here until she gets a job.
Trying to BD. It [censored]. The kids love when I get home, but not her any longer.
I'd like to be on the other side.
H46 W38 M12 T15 D8,S7,S5
11/12/17 "I don't want to be married like this" A began 7/12/18 Confessed A 10/1/19 EA still happening with 2 4/23/19 "I want a D, but I want to stay until I find a job"
I can so relate to this thread and I too will confirm that you will Not die
Grow you must and understand healthy boundaries and go find yourself
I think I spun for about 2 years believed I was DBusting I wasn’t I avoided so many things told myself I was doing XYZ when in reality this was not the case
Without the help and perseverance from many of the regulars who I am sure came to despair with me many a time I could have easily given up
Three years on I am three stone lighter have some amazing friends both male and female I have been out dated had fun and the loss of my W no longer hurts so much and truly I am finding my happiness
You will be ok
All the best and keep posting
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Thank you for this post. I am struggling *so much* at the moment. My husband walked out on me just over 3 months ago ("not happy"). The pain is unbearable. My story is in the newcomers forum.
I guess I'm feeling so demoralised as I read so much on here from people who weren't able to save their marriages despite all the DB in the world. Are the people who do manage it just a tiny minority?
I'm trying not to do relationship talk with my husband on the very rare occasions we see each other, as I'm afraid I'll push him further away and kill any chance of reconciliation. But at other times, I think I just need to sit him down, have The Conversation, ask him to decide one way or the other, then take the consequences and get out of limbo once and for all so I can move on. The limbo is killing me.
Me:52 WAH/MLCer:54 T:8 years M:5 years Kids: None BD/Move out day: 4/16/22 Emotional affair discovery: 10/01/22
Steve, May, and I who respond in Newcomers all had the opportunity to reconcile and Steve and May are still married. It’s a minority, but not as tiny as it may seem when you factor in that some marriages weren’t worth saving due to abuse (Joseph took full custody and remarried a wonderful lady), and some people chose not to DB or DB’s too late for whatever reason. But yes, ultimately your partner gets a say and you can DB perfectly from BD onwards and be out of luck in every sense—except if you stand, process that pain and anger, work on your flaws, and get out there and live your best life you’re going to know you gave it your best (like BL42) and you’re hardly going to come out a loser whatever happens. I hope that helps! I look forward to seeing your next update.
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