will this thread last more than 5 days? (burned)

[FlySolo]

Hey B - we do live in different parts of the world. It is nearing dinner time where I am though it is also ridiculously cold here. My H still has control of the heating in the house. I must really speak to him about that ...

Posting all over the place helped, though, because I felt like I was giving myself advice. And I noticed that I can be a lot "harsher" or more direct with other people than I can be with myself.

This is partly why I do it. It is like giving advice to myself. It is far easier to look at someone else's sitch objectively then to look at our own. When I said read through your thread, I meant read through it like you were an outsider looking in. Once you take the emotion away and the inevitable mind reading that goes a long with those emotions, then you start to see just the actions and the patterns in the actions. I know that my thread is full of mundane daily interactions with my H (mostly because I see him everyday) and my dissecting of those interactions. I hope by journaling that I will be able to devoid the interactions of the emotion and just see the patterns. That's the hope anyway. Not gotten there so far because each day seems to be groundhog.

W texted on Wednesday to wish me a nice holiday. I did not respond. It makes me extremely nervous, but whatever. For a while I felt good about myself, that I was treating myself like a high-value person who doesn't accept crumbs from a person who is clearly working as hard as she can to remove me from her life.

She sent it because she is in la la land where everyone can get on and be friends and it will be rainbows and unicorns for as far as the eyes can see. It is also so she stays in your head ... thereby putting you firmly in your place, rolling over and playing nice and waiting in the background as Plan B.

But, should you have responded ... well, you have to act and live according to your values. It is too late now, but if she sends you a text wishing you a happy birthday or something similar, then make your choice based on what you think is the right thing to do. If you want to respond, respond. Just do it in a detached manner. "Thank you. You too". No proclamations of love, no kisses, no trying to extend the conversation and most importantly, no expectations. If you don't want to respond because you think any interaction with her stalls your healing progress, then don't respond. But don't do it, or not do it, to get some type of reaction from her. Her reaction is not important.

I had dinner with the two families who were our closest friends (I got to keep them in the S). It was obvious who was missing, but they didn't make a thing of it. We had a good time. I was a bit melancholy at times; it came and went but mostly went. I wonder if W felt the same empty space next to her as I did. I don't know that that would make any difference, but who knows.

Not that it should matter, but she would have noticed your absence. It would have been impossible not to. The ghost of you would have been everywhere. Once it becomes the new normal, then the ghost will fade. It is the new normal that I fear.

Reading about other people who are so certain that D is imminent, as am I. Well, it ain't over till it's over. Even after D process begins. I still lull myself to sleep thinking that there's movement behind the scenes. Maybe it's spending time with her family. Maybe it's a gradual realization that the D won't be as easy as she anticipates. Maybe it's my ability to deprive her entirely of any satisfaction she gets from sending me pointless happy holidays text messages. There's still the idea that I could move back into the house with my b@lls swinging proudly in front of me. I dunno. I tell myself that there's still some kind of hope. Maybe that sets me back by keeping the fantasy alive? No idea.

As hard as it is to do, you need to let her go. This does not mean losing hope. No-one can give it to you and no-one can take it away. Hope comes from within. It dies when you have had enough and I seriously doubt you will even know it. One day you will know that you have let go. It might be that you haven't thought of her in a while, or it might be that you find yourself not bothering to update your own thread, but instead, offering advice and counsel to the next generation of newbies. Either way hope will extinguish quietly. No grand announcements. Like a long lost but loved relative dying in their sleep.

But, as you said, it is much easier to give advice then to take it.

I also really appreciate the things people have said about D is not the end and it's never guaranteed and lots of people come around later, and she doubts herself, and she will realize what she's losing when she's awake alone at night and I've been consistently not giving in to her. I so badly wish that any of that were true. I'm an optimist by nature but a pessimist by upbringing, so I fight with that dichotomy from moment to moment.

This is all true. However regret does not beget action. There are a lot of factors that need to be in place in order for them to come back. The most important of which is will you still be standing. From what I can see, more often than not, most of us aren't.

I so very badly want to hold her in my arms. Not because of the old M we had, which was just quite terrible for both of us (especially for her). But because she is a Person who can be redeemed and who I love so very much. A new M with her would be pretty neat, assuming she adapts to it. At this point I feel like I'm setting the groundwork of becoming a much better person. But I definitely need more time to solidify things.

Ahhh ... I can hear your pain. I know this pain. I meditate daily. Sometimes my meditation is on healing, sometimes it is on letting go, sometimes (and I am ashamed to admit it) it is sending my energies to him, to remind him I am here, still waiting for him. I don't know how much faith I have in being able to send energies to another person. But I do it anyway.

Last thing, you guys really talk about the size of your b@lls ALOT

[burned]

we do live in different parts of the world

I assume you're in the UK, although you mentioned something about golden beaches in your place of origin, so that's inconsistent.

She sent it because she is in la la land where everyone can get on and be friends and it will be rainbows and unicorns for as far as the eyes can see. It is also so she stays in your head ... thereby putting you firmly in your place, rolling over and playing nice and waiting in the background as Plan B.

Here's one that has consistently baffled me, even as I've explained it to others who expressed the same bafflement. Some people will say that "deep down" she feels a need to have me as a plan B. The rolling over and playing nice I understand, because she has a goal in mind and wants me to interfere with that goal as little as possible. But as for why it makes any difference to her whether she is in my head or not...sure, maybe for HER, so that SHE feels that I still think of her as a decent person, because she doubts her own decency (as she should). It's just all very confusing and I don't know that I will ever understand it. What I DO understand is that when I catch myself thinking, "Hooray, at least I'm still plan B," I'm making a very dangerous error.

If you don't want to respond because you think any interaction with her stalls your healing progress, then don't respond. But don't do it, or not do it, to get some type of reaction from her. Her reaction is not important.

And here's another confusing one. Are a person's motivations ever singular in purpose? I would say that my goal in not responding was primarily to get a reaction from MYSELF. But of course I am not detached enough to stop myself from wondering how it affects her. Will she be offended that the person she betrayed would deign not to be minimally civil? Or is she sitting there thinking, What ever did I do wrong that he wouldn't respond to me the way he always does? Or both? Or neither? I know, it doesn't matter. Like I said, I got a little confidence boost from the realization that I have a choice in the matter and that I'm not obligated to be polite to someone who did what she did to me.

However regret does not beget action. There are a lot of factors that need to be in place in order for them to come back. The most important of which is will you still be standing. From what I can see, more often than not, most of us aren't.

Same think my dear mother always says. "Burned, she is probably struggling almost as much as you are. But that won't make her come back." She and I are both suffering in the present with the hope that this will result in a better future. We just have different ideas about what constitutes the better future. Or at least, she has an idea. I apparently don't, except "go back to what I had." And we all know where that mentality leads.
As to the question of whether I will still be standing. That one gets me. In my present state, the idea that I would EVER not be at least partially receptive to the idea of reconciliation is so alien to me. But that's my present state. I had an unpleasant conversation last night with my friends about how much harder it is to meet people at age 35 as compared to age 20 (when W and I met, via a network of mutual friends), and how long it might be before I find someone, and how many people I will have to sort through before finding a decent one...and yet I wonder how much easier it would be to "let her go" if I had a plan A so that I could relegate W to the position of plan B.

Ahhh ... I can hear your pain. I know this pain. I meditate daily. Sometimes my meditation is on healing, sometimes it is on letting go, sometimes (and I am ashamed to admit it) it is sending my energies to him, to remind him I am here, still waiting for him. I don't know how much faith I have in being able to send energies to another person. But I do it anyway.

I don't meditate but every once in a while I just speak out loud (since I live alone). I say, "W, it's OK, I'm still here for you." Does that help me or hurt me? I don't know. It helps me fall asleep. (As for meditation, I read about a practice called Tongglen that involves breathing in the suffering of others and breathing out relief to them.)

Last thing, you guys really talk about the size of your b@lls ALOT

Not going to apologize for this one. But I do appreciate having a woman's perspective on my sitch. It seems like some of these threads remain relatively well segregated by gender, but we have a lot to learn from each other.

[Yail]

I kept myself occupied yesterday posting all over the place so it's not like I need to bump my thread to get attention. :P

Posting all over the place helped, though, because I felt like I was giving myself advice. And I noticed that I can be a lot "harsher" or more direct with other people than I can be with myself.

I'd like to especially thank you for the support you gave me yesterday! Please know it was valued and really made me feel so much better and connected to others. You really helped my day.

I had dinner with the two families who were our closest friends (I got to keep them in the S). It was obvious who was missing, but they didn't make a thing of it. We had a good time.

Can we just take a moment and say how amazing this kind of friend is? It's great to have friends willing to listen and talk through all the drama in our lives, but sometimes it's just SO NICE to sit and have a normal visit with friends who treat us like we always have been. For me, this is my brother and future sis-in-law. Our normal visits are just a saving grace for me. Let's give thanks to these people!

I tell myself that there's still some kind of hope. Maybe that sets me back by keeping the fantasy alive? No idea.

I am at this place too. I want to move through this in a healthy, happy way. I want to process what I need to process. But hope is such a comfort, and I need it sometimes. But does it set us back in our moving forward? I just got back from IC, and my therapist said that it's okay (they always say it's okay) and that it's just where I am in my process and that it takes a bit for our emotions to catch up to the situation sometimes.

[FlySolo]

I live in the UK but I am Australian. I came here on a gap year (of sorts), met my H and stayed.

Good catch on the inconsistency though

Also, being Australian, I am not easily offended ... so talk about your nether regions to your hearts content. It was just an observation.

[burned]

Neat! I have an “uncle” (mother’s stepbrother) who is a MP in Perth, I think. He keeps telling me I should visit. But 20 hours in the air doesn’t appeal to me, as someone with a flying phobia...

[FlySolo]

Perth is NOT Australia - It is pretty much Britain but with sunshine, beaches and good food.

[Adam04]

I don’t know why, but this made me smile. I’m curious what you meant, though.

Referencing the house of course, her, your b4lls, your peace of mind, your happiness, or anything you want and are willing to work towards.

I can't offer expert advice being a greenhorn, but I hope from sharing my story and relating that it provides support in some ways, whether it can be uplifting or just empathizing saying I've been there too.

Don't ask me why I am going to reference a Dennis Quaid movie here, but I am..
Did you see A Dog's Purpose? Most likely not, but sometimes things come around full circle and when they do, like the message here, it gets better the second time. if you ever watch the movie, don't say its because I recommended it(I watched it with my kids who left the room after 5 minutes, LOL), but if you ever watch it, consider the two stories there.


-snipped-

I took a break from being too wordy and making everything long winded. I started reading your post and the responses. I like the space you are in when you posted after my previous post. I took the break to read the replies after your post and agreed, agreed, agreed. I like the comment that regrets don't beget actions, and when they do, will you still be standing. I was typing the above before I read FlySolo's reply and went aww hell, let me just save burned an hour or two of reading, and then delete my 10s of paragraphs,

FlySolo responded and said what I would have said so much better and with less words. Stay on track with what you are doing, because others can peer in and tell you that, if you are thinking too much into it, it clearly still affects you.

I really like the dialogue from the previous posts above this.
Just wanted to end this saying I found it inspiring today to read your posts and the replies.

[burned]

Was working on a long dreary post but I’ll save that for later/never. Not feeling great today, so just a lot of moping.

In the meantime W texted (I never did respond to her happy thanksgiving text), saying she got the mortgage bill and is paying it from the shared account, and she got the water bill and asked if she could pay it from the shared account also.

I’m putting these here so that you all will hold me accountable. My excuse is that I wasn’t fully awake yet. So I responded in my habitual way. I thought very carefully about HOW to respond but neglected to take the time to think about WHAT. So I said, Yes, thank you.

SMH.

Then she said, I hope you had a nice vacation.

I’m struggling to figure out how I can feel two different feelings at the same time: “I miss you and I don’t want to let go” and also “You’re a pain in my rear, you confuse me and make me doubt my own sanity and sense of self-worth, and I wish I never had to talk to you again.

[MoveFrwd]

Maybe it would be better if you shifted your communication to email. That way it isn’t quite so “urgent” feeling. I still dislike getting messages from my XW, but at least with email, I don’t feel “on the hook” to reply so quickly. It’s also much easier to compile a bunch of thoughts/issues together in one message vs. in like 5 different text streams.

[burned]

That’s a good idea. Although since I essentially never contact first, I respond via whatever method she chooses, and that’s almost always texting.

And it doesn’t solve the problem that I am avoiding, which is that I need to buckle down and do the hard work of creating a permanent solution so that she doesn’t have to ask me each time. Trying to schedule a meeting with L this week so I know what I can’t/shouldn’t do, and then I will have to clench my teeth and just do it.

I’m just trying to summon a bit of courage. It’s hard.