Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[LH19]

TF,

I honest to God hate this BS. In a way you are lucky to be going through it relatively young. IMO people mainly woman in MY experience just become unhappy in their 40s.

I have a friend moving in with me for awhile next Monday because his W is "trying to find herself". I am going to be helping him to DB from a live standpoint. The worst part is I have known her for 25 years and she is clearly unhappy with herself but of course she thinks he's the reason.

[Ready2Change]

....It's hard to stalk a deer with a bow when you are sniffling, sneezing, and coughing.

Hopefully your season goes for a bit longer. I live in mule deer country but drive to whitetail areas to hunt. The city bucks here are all acting stupid. I am always amazed how the big bucks just appear out of no where for a few weeks.

I also asked W to tell D8 to turn on her kid phone so I could call her. W said if she had time she would tell her. Well I know that mean no.

This gets me fired up. Keep track of this type of poor parenting behavior. After several more, set a boundary:

H:"W, When you intentionally keep me from communicating with our children during your parenting time, I feel that is (immature,not in the children's best interest, or whatever you want to say).

or

H"W, When you continually tell me that you are to busy to speak with D8 during your parenting time, I start questioning...


Obviously, she did offer some time for you to see them, you had plans. So I am not as concerned.

Later W texted me in the evening. She wanted to know if I was ok, if I made it through the weekend alright. I really didn't feel like responding,

She fired you as H. Do not get sucked into this.

[Twofeet]

I have a questions and need advice. I just read some things from Steve's thread about the inlaws. Well I am pretty sure SIL has dropped me like a sack of sh!t. Oh well her loss. However, MIL and FIL still stand by the claim that they value the lives of the grandchildren over my W. To the point that they asked me to attempt to obtain full custody of the kids before W and I settled on 50/50. (This caused a bit of a rift between W and her parents). So FIL has invited me hunting, but I am keeping distance. I sit next to MIL in church, she helps me with the kids since W isn't church going anymore. MIL also has watched the kids at my house when my parents aren't available because they still work. MIL and I don't talk about sitch other than she will be there for me and the kids no matter what happens. Despite all this should I distance the in-laws further? W has indicated to me that other than the financial support they bring she is done with her parents on anything more than a superficial level. W appears to be ok with my relationship with MIL/FIL in that it benefits the children. Hell my folks and the in-laws still talk. They all say we don't care we are the grandparents and are bonded by the grandchildren. I know we are supposed to keep the roads smooth and not rally the troops. Any advice?

[LH19]

TF,

I think you need to do what makes you happy.

Just keep in mind down the road if you are in another relationship that a close relationship with your in-laws could cause some friction.

No way around it just about everything about D [censored] EARLY on.

[RyanHun]

TF,
I don't see any issue with maintaining a good relationship with the in laws at this point. I am in the same boat, the in laws love me, value me, hate what their D is doing to me and our family. We don't talk about things going on, we just enjoy the kids together. MIL really enjoys helping me out with anything she can regarding the kids and house. The key is to just never bring up talks about W or the sitch and it should be fine. Just my 2 cents.

[Twofeet]

So I am thinking when you have 3 young children to truly keep distance from your WAS during the holiday is hard. I have spent more time around and in contact with W this week than I should, but our 3 kids just naturally pull us together. The result is that when W is not around I can feel detached because it's easy. Out of sight out of mind. However, this week shows me I am not as detached as I would like to think I am. Oh yeah, I can set firm boundaries in her presence to protect myself and keep myself in check. I don't show pursuit and I can easily act as if. She hopefully sees me as someone talking the talk and walking the walk. Internally, I have this unbreakable chain attached to my heart that she can pull just by being in my presence. It hurts, even on the physical level. Maybe someday that chain will rust and I can bust it, maybe it never will break. Maybe she just won't be able to pull that chain anymore. Regardless, I don't feel the stages of grief are as quite linear as they are described.

Looking at AS stages of the LBS journey I think he is spot on about being able to identify other people's stage better than they can themselves. We fool ourselves into thinking we are better off than reality. Its probably a defense mechanism. I have seen people talking on here about where they think they are at, but if you read there sitch you can see they are further behind. That being said I have been really looking inward to decided where I am at. Honestly, I think I am beyond stage 2. However, I think the furthest along I am is stage 5. I don't think I stay in 5, rather I vibrate between 3, 4, & 5 daily to weekly. Distance puts me in 5, but interaction with W cause me to move myself backward to 3 & 4. Clearly I am not in stage 6. There just hasn't been enough time. I am almost 3 months since BD. 1 month since S. It will be 4 months from BD once D finalizes, and this has all been too slow for her. For me it it's been faster than fast. So no, I am a ways away from stage 6.

I don't think I can ever stop loving her, but I think that is ok. I think being the lighthouse means you never do.

[Twofeet]

For those who don't know I am talking about check out AS stages of the LBS here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2822475&page=7

[Twofeet]

So I was able to get plenty of extra time with the children this week. It was great. The kids had a 1/2 day on Monday. I had to work and then go to teacher conferences with W. MIL watched the kids at my house. Teacher conferences were slightly uncomfortable because the D was brought and they discussed how it was with the kids. At school the kids are doing well so that is good. After, W felt the need to tell me she was going to back to work and was going to work late to get things done. I left for home then forgot to pick up milk so I doubled back and saw that W must have done a big loop and now was heading in the opposite direction towards her home. She is free to do what she wants, but the lies are getting old. We used to be truthful to each other to a fault and now I have to deal with a woman who lies every other sentence. I am shaking my head in disgust.

Anyway I took off the rest of the week. Tuesday I took the kids to a movie with my mom. She took the youngest 2 to her house where I would bring D8 to have dinner after I took her to her rec activity. So on the way to my parents she gets upset because today is W dog's bday and D8 apparently arranged with W to see her dog for its bday. So I call W to confirm she says yes and we head over. I am not enthused about this, but it is little things like this that are a big deal for D8. So I go to W house, D8 and W give me the tour of the house. D8 feeds the dog some bday doggie icecream, while W and I talk school finances. I want to pay Nov. bill now and W starts tearing up saying how stressed she is and how broke she is. Says she is living paycheck to paycheck and has borrowed money from her parents to stay afloat. I validate her feelings and empathize with her. This seems to pull her out of it and she calms down. I feel like I have been at her house too long and I let D8 know its time to go to dinner. Wife then starts talking trash about her new house. This GIGS is ridiculous, and I won't validate her feelings about this. I tell her to stop talking about her house this way with me. I ask her if she wants my opinion, she says yes. I tell her that her house is beautiful, brand new and very well put together. If I had moved out I would be perfectly happy in a nice home like this. If she wants to sell it in the short run it is put together so nicely she wouldn't have a problem. If she wants to make it a long term the things she is sh!tting on are all minor and can be changed out without too much added cost. She says thank you and that what I said makes her feel better about her choice.

Wed the kids and I watched movies at home and played card games and board games until it was time to drop them off at W house. D8 did get really emotional that we wouldn't be having Thanksgiving as a family. I let her know it would be OK, we still love her, but this is the arrangement that is made and this is W decision. She asked if we could invite W to dinner next year when they are at my house. I said yes I would, however if your mom does not attend it is because she has chosen not to, do you understand? She says yes. I take them to W house and get a second tour of the house as S3 and S5 want to show me everything. I try to spend even less time there than the night before. I mention the xmas decorations and W starts to giving me the teary eyed stressed out talk and I just let her know its ok, she will be ok. I just say try to find some time in your schedule in the next few days to take care of it. On my way out the door the kids had starting making a huge mess. She was letting them eat on the couch and rug and they were making a mess. Something W never would have allowed in the MR.

Thanksgiving day I got up early to smoke a turkey and I get a call from W. D8 is in tears and wont stop crying until she gets to see me. W asks if she can bring her over for a couple hours. Of course I say yes. D8 and I have some quality time together. D8 tells me the kids had chips and other junk food for dinner last night. Not a real dinner. This is frustrating because this is what I am going to have to deal with. Not that its a surprise. W often couldn't "handle" the kids and would put them down in front of their tablets feed them junk food and walk away on the odd evening I had work late in the MR. D8 also told me she asked W why she divorced me. W said because I didn't listen to her, she knew I loved her but felt unloved, and she was unhappy. D8 told W that being happy is a choice, if W was unhappy that was her fault for not choosing to be happy. It is amazing how wise D8 can be! This is how I feel about things, but its nothing I recall expressing to D8, its just something she has learned on her own. Its funny that D8 can drop wisdom bombs on a 35 year old woman. Hopefully, W picks up on some of this. So D8 helped me finish the turkey, and put up the xmas tree. No ornaments or decorations as W still has them. Then we went for a bike ride. Later, W picked up D8 to take her and the kids to her folks for dinner. As I am helping D8 in the car D5 says Daddy you were not invited to thanksgiving, why were you not invited? I told her its because I wasn't, but its going to be OK. I told her that she was going to have so much fun with her cousins and if she wants she can call me anytime.

I took my smoked turkey over to my parents for Thanksgiving. They had a bunch of friends over who are more like family and it was really enjoyable. My grandmother was there so I broke the news to her. She starting wailing and crying and hugging me. I gave her the details of the when and the how long. She asked if I had any idea or any marital problems, and I told her no nothing out of the ordinary, and that I still don't know the exact reason. Gave her some details of W's behavior and actions without giving too much info. My grandma said that it sounds like W has reverted back to the emotional level of a teenager and it may be a long time to never before she comes out of it. I am just going to have to move forward and hope for the best. Grandma said that she can see some of this being the result of W upbringing in that W was spoiled and wanted for naught. She talked about annulment with me and said I need to look into it, but didn't think it was viable. My Grandma divorced my grandfather when the majority of their kids were out of the house. My grandfather was an alcoholic and was physically abusive to my grandma and the older children. My Dad told stories about how my grandfather used to just beat the sh!t out of him for no reason. Anyway, Grandma told me that before she divorced him she tried to get him to talk to a priest, and he told her to go to hell. So she was done, she also didn't feel like an annulment was doable or worth it in her case. Despite all that she said it was the most painful thing she ever did and she could sympathize with what I was going through even though they were completely different circumstances. She said that D can get lonely at times if you are not careful. She said anytime that was happening just come over for a visit and a talk. She is a strong woman and had become the head of the family on my dad's side. My grandfather? Well the sad thing was when he died I think the youngest of their very large family was the only one who went to his funeral. Very sad.

Thursday night, W called. D5 was sick and running a high fever and she wanted to know what to do. W had planned on bringing all the kids over Fri A.M. so she could work. I of course agreed because I welcome any extra time with my children. D8 was going to stay the night at the cousins then W was going to bring her over in the A.M. I had W bring D5 and S3 over Thursday night since D5 was sick I felt it was better to keep her with me as I was not working Friday and if I was up all night with D5 I could sleep in. So I guess on the ride over Fri morning D8 was haranguing W about the xmas ornaments so W promised to get them to us. We spent Fri playing games and having a good time. W was picking up D8 on my scheduled time (which was ok) and picking up D8's friend to take them to D8 recital and dinner afterwards. MIL came and watched the other 2 kids so I could go to the recital as well. At the recital I was standing there and got a call from wife wanting to know where I was at. Its funny, once she called I was just able to sense where she was at without her telling me. I said turnaround and she did and saw me immediately. I sat down next to W, D8 and her little friend. I kept everything pleasant and didn't talk much other than to exchange pleasantries. My family decided to come to the recital and were standing behind us. W noticed and got up and said I am still going to hug you when I see you and gave my Dad, Sis, and her fiancee all hugs. She then hugged my mom and started crying. My mom told me later W was hugging for dear life and wouldn't let go. Mom had to calm down W because it was starting to make my her cry. After, the recital W took D8 and friend to dinner and let me know she would meet me later for the drop off of D8. I talked to my family for a few minutes before I left. My parents said for someone who has been avoiding us and not being too friendly towards them that exchange with W was surprising. My mom and dad said that poor girl is just not right in the head.

Anyway, by Sat all 3 children and myself are now fighting a head/chest cold at varying stages. It was my mom's bday and all 3 of my children wanted to go out to dinner for her bday so we did. It was a good time and the kids cleaned up there plates really well. When we got home, W had let herself into the garage to drop off ornaments while she knew we were out. She took all of her baby ornaments and all of our kids baby ornaments. She took a bunch of other stuff as well. She was never into xmas decorations or the xmas tree, but I know she will need to now for the kids. It would have been nice if we could have went through everything together. She also returned all the marriage/ husband & wife ornaments and the ornaments my mom bought specifically for her. She sent a text asking me to box them all up with the rest of the marriage items in my closet.

Sat night D8 came down with a fever, but today we are all doing well and just taking it easy. We decided to pass on church this weekend and we will just have a lazy day so the children can get better and be prepared for school tomorrow.

[DejaVu6]

Sounds like quite the week TF and that you handled everything perfectly. Wow...your W is definitely messed up. Sounds like she has relied on you for a lot of things over the years and that her fantasy of being magically happy once she was out on her own is being rapidly dismantled. Good for you for providing her with support but not trying to fix it for her. She has to walk this path alone. My heart breaks for your kids. It sounds as if you are doing the best you can with the situation however. It also sounds like you are rapidly becoming AMOAFWL. Your wife, or what remains of her, is clearly a fool. Hope you have a nice lazy day and kick this bug that is going around. I have it too and hope that I don’t pass it on to my kids. (((HUGS)))

[Twofeet]

A couple of things I just forgot to mention.

Sat night we decorated the tree with the ornaments and watched the Christmas Chronicles on Netflix. The kids really loved it and I found it entertaining. Anyone with kids should watch it, it was good.

The other thing I forgot to mention was that when W dropped off D8 Fri morning. FIL was parked across the street. I asked D8 what was going on. She said W needed winter tires and was too poor to afford them so FIL was taking her car to buy them. When W came to pick up D8 for the recital and dinner she was proudly expressing to me how she was able to buy new tires for her car and that they would be good until she sold her car. (Hinting sooner than later) Well when MIL came to watch the kids she mentioned to me that W needed new tires so MIL and FIL went and bought new ones for W.
So yeah.....I get it she got new tires. I am glad she did, especially for the safety of the children. However, what bothers me is that 1) she told me she is broke as a joke the day before, so why lie. She even told me her parents are loaning her money and helping her out. 2) Its not my place and shouldn't be my concern, but this isn't one of those problems where you keep throwing money at it to make it go away. If they keep spoiling her she isn't going to learn. Like I said I am glad they helped her out with the winter tires. However, I will look at their actions and learn from them with regards to how to raise my own children.