Looks like we should just trade places Grace. I live on the west coast of British Columbia. My house overlooks the ocean and there are forests everywhere. It truly is beautiful here. I think my pity party is starting to wind down a bit. I think being sick does not help. I was supposed to volunteer at a breakfast for the homeless this morning and attend an open house in the afternoon but I just wasn’t feeling well enough. My S10 was at a birthday party today (still is) and my D10 was in her room playing with her friend for most of the day. So...it was just me, my stuffy nose and my thoughts. Not good combo. Too much time to stress about the future and needlessly examine the past. Lots of wondering where we would be today if only I had known what was happening. And how I could have handled things differently in the beginning when he was really torn between staying and going. If only I had known about DR and DBing a year ago. I am pretty sure we would not be here today. But, we are, and I need to get used to the idea...do my best to let go and prepare myself for the conversations in January that I predict are not going to go well.
No trips planned. After January, likely will not be able to afford to go on any anyway. My H will ensure that we are all back to square one financially. He has no idea. Thinks nothing will change. He is, and always has been, delusional when it comes to money. He has never handled his own bills. He went straight from mom to wife #1 and then to me. He has never truly lived on his own. Now he is and his mom is with me. How weird is that? From what she understands, he has no plans to try to get me out of the house (and she would not support that anyway) but likely is going to want to pay me next to nothing for child care and take all of our savings in exchange. That would leave me with no cushion whatsoever and very little extra to save up. The cost of living is just too high today. Together we were set. Apart we will get by but just. But he needs to go down this road and it is, and always has been, all about him. He says his first wife told him he was unloveable. I think she had it backwards. I think he is not really capable of truly loving someone or doing what it takes over the long haul. He just has too many holes to fill...and they are his, not mine. I am sad for him in that regard.
Hi DJV, I felt similar then you today. Maybe our 4day weekend gives me too much time to think. But the sadness is weighing me don a lot. It is like a cloud over my head all day. It is so hard to motivate oneself to do something. I hope you feel better tomorrow.
Sorry to hear that Kiwi. I honestly would not wish this experience on my worst enemy. It is so draining and never-ending. This week has been so bizarre. I had a couple days where I really felt like I was turning a corner and then wham!!! Grief, sadness, loss... The looming division of assets, etc... is what has gotten me down for sure. My H will really start pushing for it after New Years and my day-to-day life will change. Back to money worries and budgeting. Eighteen months of freedom from that was amazing. So glad we took the expensive holiday last New Years but if I had known, I would have scheduled a couple more for sure. We had waited so long to take that family holiday. I wish I had known it would be our last.
DjV - have you seen a lawyer. I can't remember if you mentioned it. If not, book an appointment now. You are putting yourself into a spin trying to work out what he wants to do. Find out now what he is entitled to under a variety of scenarios (you have full custody, 50% custody and so on). If it is the children's home then you might be able to come to an agreement whereby you keep it until the children are 18 - and then when its sold you share the equity in it in accordance with some agreed ratio.
Hope you're starting to feel a little better. You're right; this is hard enough when you're feeling well. I think you need to give yourself a break and not worry that you are feeling sad. You have turned a corner but of course you are going to have days when you mourn. Let them happen. You are a loving human being, not a robot. I still have sad days. I cried the other night because there was a song on the TV from Les Miserables which we saw in 1988 when courting. But the sadness has changed. Now it's gentle tears whereas it used to be body engulfing sobbing. Also, I cry for what has been in the past, not about the lost future, if that makes sense. But that only changed with time.
Don't rush yourself. Give yourself time to get used to the new status quo. You don't have to sort out everything at once. Just look after yourself for now and concentrate on trying not to over do it when you're feeling poorly.
Thank you both. I fell asleep at 11 and then woke up to 2:00. Trying to calm my busy mind. Feeling like the grief of my marriage ending is finally starting to come. In the beginning, it was shock and coming to terms with my reality not being my reality. Then it was lots of hope that I could turn things around with my H seeming a bit confused and wavering. But that part of the journey is over. He is resolved. So now I am facing that fact and the grief is coming. I am also thinking a lot about letting go but I don’t want to do it with anger. I need to separate the love I have for my H from the fear I have of being on my own. I used to joke with my sister that if my marriage ever ended, I would just give up on men. But now I am here and I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life without a partner. I know my H will replace me soon enough and that really hurts...that someone could just waltz into the picture and take my place. My H and I used to talk about when we would retire and spend our days boating. The name of our boat was going to be MNT2B... Meant to Be. I have to let that go now. Man it is hard. Probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I have to do it with love.
I keep thinking about my first marriage and my first divorce. It was so different. My XH, I think, was quite depressed in the beginning whereas I felt like my life was just starting. It was such a relief to just not have the weight of my H”s depression holding me down. And I went a good six months with almost no contact. Funny enough... I do remember looking back and at one point considering going back but by then, my XH had moved on from his depression and while I had a moment of regret or wondering if I had tried hard enough, he was past that. We never talked about reconciling and it probably wouldn’t have worked if we did... but I do remember temperature checking. And two years later, when I drove out of town with all of my stuff, I cried for the first time. And then I let go. The difference between then and now is that my XH and I didn’t have any children or property to speak of. I was also 32 years old and II could imagine falling in love again and building a life with someone. Now, at 50 with two children, I just don’t have that kind of hope. And I don’t get the time away from him to heal. Our kids keep us connected for life and this is both a blessing and a curse. Right now, it feels like a curse. At the very least, it has cursed my ability to sleep as it is now 4:03 a.m.
Oh hun ... those sleepless nights are a [censored].
Fear is a strange thing. As an exercise, list out all the things you fear. Yorkie did this and discovered that half the things she was scared of, actually weren't that scary. She was worried about not having as much money, but, if you ask her, she will tell you, yes, there is less money, but there is enough to make do. You worry that you won't get to go on any fancy holidays. Then do less fancy ones. Time away with your kids is still time away with your kids, irrespective of whether you are in the Caribbean or you are camping.
You are mourning your future. The flip side is your future is yours to make. I went away for a long weekend and booked a room via Air B&B. The woman I stayed with had recreated her life after her partner of ten years left her for a younger woman (his A lasted a year before she found out). I don't know her age but I would put her in her 50's. After the assets had been split she took her half, left London and moved up north to a small tourist town. She bought a large doer upper, opened her own practice and got to the task of renovating her home. She now rents all the spare bedrooms out to people who visit the town. She is still on her own (she has had BF's but she is fiercely independent) but her life is very very full. She hears from her ex every now and then. He is currently separated from the woman he left her for (he was having yet another A).
Not the future she had planned. It is, for her, much better.
So, running off and opening a B&B is not necessarily on the table for us. But that does not mean we can't define our future.
Thank you FS. Your responses to me are always so helpful. I know that it is not my marriage I am grieving...but what I had hoped it would become. But it takes two in that regard and my H made his decision to put himself first and our marriage last a number of years ago. So that is not the person that I should be married to. I know that intellectually andI also know that my head will definitely win out in the end. Although I am dreading the separating of finances and how final it seems, I also know it will be a big step toward regaining and creating my own life...separate from him and from the future I thought we had both wanted. He’s been planning a different future and I need to accept that - the sooner, the better.
There have been many times thoughout this process where I felt like I got it and a switch flipped but then my stubborn heart would flip it back again. It is starting to lose its energy in that regard. I know that I will be dropping the rope soon and these remnant panicky feelings are not going to last forever. My H is right about one thing. I am defimitely strong. I also always try to do the right thing irregardless of my feelings. This is a major difference between my H and I and it is something about me that he has always benefited from and also taken advantage of. No matter what he does, he knows that I will strive to understand it from his POV and acquiesce if it is important to him. He has long benefited from my care and concern whereas I have been pretty much ignored. When I REALLY think about it, I should be the one leaving, not him. But my values and beliefs prevent me from doing so - something else he knows too well. So my 180s are difficult to determine but I think if he could give me advice, he would tell me to stop caring about him. Stop worrying about his pain and his health. Stop smiling when I see him. These are big asks as they are completely against my nature. I guess that is why they call them 180s...lol.
So my painful weekend of self-pity is over and I hope I don’t have too many more of those. Today is a new day. I STILL feel like CR@P but am going to try to be productive in some way. The kids want to put up our Christmas tree so I will probably have to get my H to come help me with it. He is the only person who knows which pieces to use and where all the decorations are stowed. It would be a good opportunity for a 180 for me and for him to experience the last family Christmas tree decorating “party”. Hopefully he will be back from the mainland in time.
I hope today is a good day for you. You have definitely had an up and down week(s), that rollercoaster is such a ride.
How did things work out with D10 “cutting” in class? Was the counseling helpful?
S10’s hopefulness that Dad is just confused and may get better (and therefore that was not the last family vacation) is so healthy and nice to see. He is ten and loves both his parents, that is great. I am pretty confident that D10 has similar views.
I believe that one must discuss this situation with the children, age appropriately of course. This affects them so very much, and they have many questions. They want and need answers, and those have to come from you, if not they will find them somewhere else, and they will probably be less correct.
There is a lot of fear with regard to our children. Custody, encouraging their feelings, not confusing them, having to have open and unabashed discussions of topics. The coparenting idea is also another “thing” to discuss and figure out. Lots of fear when seeking what our kids may truely want.
In your particular situation, your children have expressed a desire to live with you, at home. I think that is a fine arrangement, they know what they want, do not dismiss their ideas. The thought that 50/50 is better, I do not buy into that in cases where the other spouse has gone off the rails and abandoned the family. One sane loving parent will raise their children better than a 50/50 arrangement. One really has to see what is best for the kids, long term.
You know my situation, W totally abandon her children, threw everything away, and I have complete sole custody. She has visiting privileges, and chooses to never see her kids. She is one very lost soul. I see your H in a similar light, not as far gone. My goal, and I will accomplish it to the best of my abilities, is to rise our children free from the fate of repeating their Mom’s actions, her MLC (if you believe in that).
I am a role model, you are too, without doubt children are watching, and on all fronts not just with how we interact with our mixed up spouse. However, for now let’s just focus on my W: I am kind, compassionate, and forgiving towards her. I have no vengeance or wish her any malice. I have discussed this with my children, parents, friends, and others - I have many converts, all have opened up and see my point of view.
I have shared my journey and points of view. Your desire to forgive your H and find peace is touching and IMHO a fanastic heading to journey towards. I have linked a post about my forgiveness, it is a bit of a read. If you are feel like getting teary eyed go to page 4 on that thread and read about daughter and her break up.
Near the bottom of page 10, I explain the mantra of mine - Be the best you will be. That might help as well.
It really is a matter of choice. I strongly encourage everyone to make kind, compassionate, forgiving choices. That many not mean what you think it does - people do not get a free pass, there is still accountably.
As I have said, I love where you’re heading. Perhaps, I will attempt to offer more practical ideas to help, if you choose to want that.
Forgiveness is a choice - your choice.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you DnJ... for taking the time and, as always, give me much to think about and to aspire to. I will definitely click on those links and read.
I just had a long talk with my XH. It was very helpful just to get some things out and have his perspective. I learned a lot about letting go with love from him. Certainly it is what both of us endeavoured to do all those years ago and I am proud to say that although we only talk about once a year, the bond that we forged as kids in our 20s, has never really been broken. He has been and will always be someone I can count on. There are absolutely no romantic feelings remaining for either of us... just respect and unconditional love. At the end of our conversation, he told me to call him anytime and said goodbye with “I love you”. I responded in kind and hung up feeling really, really proud that we have managed to hang on to the important things and not in a needy, desperate way but just with complete acceptance of who we are and no resentments that we couldn’t make it work between us. But that was a different situation and a different life. Whether or not my H and I can ever get to that place, remains to be seen but I doubt that it will happen anytime soon and may not ever, truth be told. My H is “sorry” but he has not taken responsibility and he is not doing the work. He wants to fast track it. And no doubt he will get his way.
