So my biggest task now is to try to come to terms with it...to own my own part...to take responsibility...and to find some peace. Funny...all this time I have been thinking about and focusing on finding a way to forgive my H but I really think the person I am struggling most to forgive is myself. Wow...this is SUCH a PAINFUL process.
Hey DjV - That looking in the mirror is a b!tch, but in the end it is worth it. We cannot forgive ourselves until we know what it is we are forgiving ... and it is from this uncomfortable stand point we can begin to work on self love. It is not a nice process, but I think a necessary one.
There was an interesting chain of posts on Paco's thread about the 'crises' and how one moves from the crises to self growth. I honestly think that we too are in crises. A forced, unexpected crises, but a crises nonetheless and we, the LBS, can cause as much damage and self harm as those that triggered the crises in the first place. It all comes down to whether we internalize or externalize fault, how secure or insecure we are, and also, what our capacity for forgiveness is ... both forgiveness for ourselves and forgiveness for others.
You also mention shame. Shame is the internalization of guilt and it is so much more painful and ultimately does more harm. Do not go down that road. Once it takes root, shame grows like a weed. Look in the mirror, but don't forget to look with kindness. That woman was doing the best she could. Others would have given up and thrown his lying [censored] out onto the street. You have actively sought to empathise and understand things from is point of view. Other women would have used their children as pawns. You held it together for them even when your world was falling apart. In fact, quite a lot of your posts are dedicated to the impact of this on your children. How you mourn for what they have lost. You are a good person, with a big heart, and you are a great mom.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
But how could I miss something so fundamentally important? I'm not sure I will ever really understand.
DejaVu, you are a deeply emotionally intelligent woman so you must have sensed something was not right those years your H was AWOL, but I bet you turned a blind eye to it because the alternative, that your H was somehow hiding or having an A, was not something you were willing to face. Next time, whether it be with your H, or in some new R, you will listen to your intuition and not be afraid to ask those tough questions. You will actively work on your next R. You will not let someone take you for granted, because despite your faults, you know your worth. You are worth more than a man who hides away for four years and until he faces those demons, you will always be worth more.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
I also think I've been 'unsettled' by news at the weekend, which if I know my husband, means there may be trouble in paradise. It's tempting to contact him on a pretext and be 'mrs nice and concerned' just to stir it up a bit. Desperate, wicked, nasty, foolish etc etc I know and I won't do it. But it's tempting.
I so get the temptation .. and I won't even advise against it (expectations and all that), but as I don't think you have any expectations apart from to twist that rope a little .... ah, to get to that point where my only expectation is to cause a little mischief
Just saw my H. Tried to talk about Christmas but it didn’t get very far. He hasn’t thought about it and doesn’t want to think about it quite yet. I am so not in a good place right now. This illness, the looming financial discussion, his cold eyes when he looks at me... it is almost too much to bear. I just want to run away and leave my overactive brain behind for awhile. I had absolutely no idea that I was this co-dependent. That is not who I thought I was. I’ve always been someone who does the right thing and takes the high road. I’m having such a tough time even seeing the high road right now. I just feel so pathetic and I’m sure I look pathetic which makes it even worse. My H can see right through me and it s#cks. Why don’t I hate him? Wouldn’t it be easier if I did? I hate what he did but then I look into his beautiful green eyes and I forget for a second. And then I remember and my heart breaks all over again. Pitiful, isn’t it? Man...this pity party HAS to end soon.
It stinks. Like FS said, we need to look in the mirror but look lovingly. I made mistakes in my marriage, but I didn't realize the extent. I have to forgive myself for that. Quite honestly, most of our spouses were as much to blame as we were. You are a good person. You have to forgive yourself for not being perfect. We expected our spouses to stick with us through thick and thin. They didn't. Time to realize there is somebody out there who will.
Time for some self-compassion. Nobody can be at their best when they are ill. And the ups and downs are inevitable. You’ve written some things that demonstrate true strength, not too long ago. That feeling will be back in its time. Give yourself a break, give yourself some time to recover your physical strength, and the emotional strength will follow. Stay strong, we know you have it in you.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Thank you Harvey and Burned for your encouragement. It is wonderful to know that there are still some really good men out there. FS...you are a God send...you really are. Thank you for taking the time and for always picking me up when I am down. Your H is a fool of epic proportions.
I just had a glass of wine and a nice dinner with my MIL. She has been such a support for me and is the one person I can talk to about all of this because A) She lived the entire thing right along with me and was basically my H’s replacement for the years he was gone and B) She loves him too...despite it all. And she can’t really talk to anyone either because she is so ashamed of the things he has done. So we are helping each other through this. I felt ten times better after hanging out with her and then I went upstairs and my D10 and I put up our huge Christmas tree (only one scratch on my arm) and then high-fived each other... “We don’t need a man to put this up for us!!” It was so fun. I hope she remembers that when she gets older. That she can be independent and strong and doesn’t need someone else to make her that way. Above all else, I want her to know her worth and for her to live her life in an honest and compassionate way. She and her brother are the lights of my life so I will get my sh*t together for them if for no other reason.
I think I am going to have a pretty good sleep tonight. Much love to you all!!!
Yorkie...realized I had not replied to your post. You are so right that a lot of the shame and guilt I have taken on belongs to my H and not to me. Mistakes aside, if there was one thing I always was in our relationship, it was authentic and honest. He cannot say the same.
Feeling better today. Not so distracted at work. Really working hard on a PMA and trying not to go down the road of "what ifs". Saw my H briefly this morning. I said "hi" when he got there but exited the room before he left. He probably thought I was intentionally ignoring him but I wasn't. There is just nothing to say really.
I signed up for my first meet-up hike on Sunday. Looking forward to it. There are about six women going so far... I know none of them so it will be exciting to meet new people. I'm also hoping to get my guitar this weekend. My H had told me he would help me pick one out but I think I will just rely on the professionals at the store like I would if there were no H. And, honestly...there really isn't anymore. I think that is the part that I have been struggling to accept all this time. The person I loved no longer exists - if he ever really did. He has been replaced by a cold, self-focused individual who thinks that if he just pays more attention to his kids, he will become a better person. There is no looking in the mirror.. no self-reflection...no taking of responsibility...no recognition that had HE made different choices, we would not be in this mess. Every complaint he has about our MR was fixable if we had just talked about it and both of us had made an effort to DO something different rather than FEEL something different. But my H doesn't believe that. He is like a teenager in that regard. He is all about feelings. There is no intention in the things he does...just reaction and self-preservation. He has no real values or beliefs that he lives by and he continues to believe that the psychic pain he is contending with is solely about the things that were lacking in our MR and not within himself. It is so sad that our family is having to pay the price for that. There is no more family. We are just two people who happen to share a couple of kids. Truly forgiving him for that, if I am honest, is going to take a long time.
I signed up for my first meet-up hike on Sunday. Looking forward to it. There are about six women going so far... I know none of them so it will be exciting to meet new people. I'm also hoping to get my guitar this weekend.
YAY! I'm a bit jealous of your courage on joining the meet-up. It's something that's on my list, but I'm so shy around new folks, and I'm trying to muster up the courage. Seeing you do it actually helps with this.
Also, I wish you a great time in getting the guitar. Pick one that feels good to you.
I'm a bit jealous of your courage on joining the meet-up. It's something that's on my list, but I'm so shy around new folks, and I'm trying to muster up the courage. Seeing you do it actually helps with this.
Highly recommended. I'm an extremely shy introvert, and it took me 3 tries to FINALLY go to my first meetup. And guess what I ended up doing? Playing board games with other extremely shy introverts, all of whom are just solid, good people. Maybe I was just lucky, but there has to be more to it than that.
Originally Posted by Yail
Also, I wish you a great time in getting the guitar. Pick one that feels good to you.
DV6, the day before my physical S began I bought a new guitar (to replace the Ovation that I smashed against the wall, like a rock star an idiot, on BD). It's a Seagull, made in Québec by Godin. I love it. Maybe they sell them on your side of the continent.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Feeling better today. Not so distracted at work. Really working hard on a PMA and trying not to go down the road of "what ifs". Saw my H briefly this morning. I said "hi" when he got there but exited the room before he left. He probably thought I was intentionally ignoring him but I wasn't. There is just nothing to say really.
This happens to me sometimes. Not sure if it is because there is nothing to say, or because it generally happens during pick ups (and I am normally in a rush) or because I can't stand the awkward silences. Sometimes it happens in the car. He will try and make conversation and I just go "hmmn, yeah, maybe" (generally to a comment on something said on the radio, or the state of the traffic). It always makes me feel like he must think I am ignoring him. Not that I should care.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I signed up for my first meet-up hike on Sunday. Looking forward to it. There are about six women going so far... I know none of them so it will be exciting to meet new people.
This sounds brill. The one and only meet up group I went to was an over 30's social group. The blurb said "we meet up for dinner, movies, to watch bands and for pub crawls". I was seriously miss-sold. It was a singles dating group. I felt like a piece of meat. If I were to try it again I would probably join a hiking group too.
Focus on the future you have, the things you have and the people you have. Here, let me start your list for you ...
1. You have a beautiful home by the sea (if I remember correctly). BTW - of all the things I miss about home, the ocean is near, if not top of, my list 2. You will have enough money to live by (not as much, but enough) 3. You have two beautiful children who, from the sounds of it, are as caring and as warm as you are 4. You have a sister who loves you and a MIL who has stood by you 5. You have a job which is (from what I can tell) is your true calling 6. You are a pretty decent pool player 7. You have not only reached, but gone below your target weight
and lastly ...
8. You have made my life a little brighter
Your future, with or without your H, is one where you will be an independent woman who makes her own decisions, lives her life according to her values, and does not have to defer to ANYONE.
Oh lastly, I think you mentioned you were fearful of re-entering the dating world because you thought people would see your age on a dating profile and be turned off. Nothing further from the truth. I know a lot of divorced/separated women in their 50's and most of them are inundated with offers. If what you want is a little company, you will find people out there willing to offer that, if what you want is a bit more serious, then there are people out there looking for that too. Personally, I am a little old fashioned in that I would prefer something a little more organic, a little less commoditized but, apparently, that is how people meet one another these days.
