I second what Ryan said FS. I think this is a good thing. I sure wished I worked in an office like yours...lol. Even if you don’t end up going on a date, even just the interest is a great reminder that you are not dead. Your H is not the only person on the planet with whom you can find love. You are scared to let go of....? I ask that question not because I think there is an answer necessarily. Believe me, I know that fear all to well. REALLY understanding that letting go is the best way to hang on...to ourselves...is the HARDEST concept to grasp, isn’t it? You don’t have to actively try to let go anymore, I think, for you, it will just happen. You will look back and realize you are nowhere near where you were. If there is room in your life for H or not, it will not matter. What will matter is that you will have YOU back. And if he decides he wants you back then he is going to have to man up and work for it. (((HUGS)))
I woke up early this morning and I sat outside in the dark and I cried. Not massive sobs, just some quiet tears. I am still crying now. This, whatever it is, is so very very hard.
I realized this morning something that has been coming on for a while. I am letting go. Not the reationary "I am done" that I have seen here so often, and myself declared in the heat of the moment when he was still living here or on the odd occasion since he MO. A quieter letting go.
I want him to come home but, after a year, I am just tired, and I am oh so very lonely. It is not that I want another R, I just want someone to want me, to hold me and tell me that I am beautiful. This new pain is different. It is not that I miss him (which I do) but I know now that I also miss just being with someone. This new pain is not to do with him, it is to do with me.
And then I start forecasting. How would a new even R work? What if it moved beyond casual and he/I wanted to be part of my family life ? Does that mean this will be our last Christmas as a family ? What will my children think ?
This is different from before when my forecasting was about him moving on ... right now, he has his personal life (with or without dating) which has nothing to do with the family, and his family life which has nothing to do with his personal life. What happens when his two lives merge?
All fruitless thoughts. But they were there nevertheless this morning and I am feeling a sadness I have not felt for a while.
I don't know. Maybe the loneliness is fleeting and tomorrow I will regain my resolve.
Awww... massive (((HUGS))) to you FS. You are so insightful into your own experience. I learn so much from you. I have been without that feeling of someone wanting me for over four years now...I hadn’t really realized that before because I was so focused on my H and his health and anytime I went down that road, I would get mad at myself for being so selfish. How incredibly ironic is that?
Yes...the pain is to do with you and I do believe that recognition of that is what happens in this process of letting go. You deserve all of those things that you are missing. When I think about the concept of having an R with someone else, the questions about the kids are foremost on my mind and of course they are on yours as well. You put your children first as do I. Sadly...I doubt our H’s even think about that. Whatever happens, the magic solution is “they will adjust”. I’m going to punch the next person who says that to me. They shouldn’t have to adjust.
That Christmas question is a tough one. For me, I am pretty sure we already had our last family Christmas. My sister and her H always have Christmas dinner with us so even if my H wanted to be there, he would not come. He still cannot face anyone who knows what he has done. That would take courage and strength of character... and those traits are currently in short supply.
Give yourself permission to feel sad right now. This, too, shall pass.
Hugs to you FS. Must be the week for it I think so I know exactly how you feel. I pride myself on keeping my emotions in check at work but yesterday a good friend asked how I was and the tears started. For at least an hour.
On a practical level we know we'll be okay but some days we wonder if we will have the emotional strength to be alone. I think you are doing all you can to prepare for that but allow yourself to know that there will be doubts and sadness along the way.
I think I know what you mean; I don't think I'm grieving for him per se, but for a 'partnership' And I suppose if the marriage was making him so unhappy (rather than he got caught out with a bit on the side) then it took tremendous courage from him to alter the status quo. I regret that he didn't tell me about it before getting involved with someone else.
Maybe we both have to dig deep and come to some self understanding as to why we feel we need a significant other to feel loved and complete. Because that is what we are used to?? In which case we can only give ourselves time (for us now, not them) and let this process happen.
My friend advised to let the feelings happen and see it as a positive sign of healing rather than weakness. We have pulled the band aid off a gaping wound and at the moment it stings like hell.
He picked us up and dropped me off at the station (again) this morning. There has been some works going on at the station the last few months and he has been unable to drive in all the way to drop me off (his car is too big to turn the corners). Last week I mentioned to him that the works had finished and he should be OK to go into the carpark again. He said Ok, then dropped me off out the back as normal. This morning he turned to go into the station carpark, and when I mentioned it he said "they've widened the roads".
Between last week and this week he has dropped someone off at the station. I felt a weird surge of anxiety. A little tinge of jealousy, but I kept it in. Smiled, and said thank you when I got out of the car. An OW (may be a different one) is still in the picture.
I think I am overthinking it. I just need to let it be. The anxiety was fleeting. The jealousy was fleeting. I guess that is how he feels whenever I say "I am out tonight" and don't tell him where or with whom. The way he looks away but doesn't say anything. On some level we are still H and W (so still feel a little ownership over one another) and on so many levels we are so far away from that now.
I am feeling better after my little emotional wobbly this morning. It ws a realisation that I have let go a little (not fully) and I think it hit me hard. This entry will be about today's GALing.
I was shaken by the tears this morning so I (I know, I know) saw a psychic at lunch. You can find most anything in London if you have an hour on a train and a smart phone. If nothing else it reassured me, much as you all do here, that I am on the right path for me. Other than that work was uneventful ... work saved me post BD. It was the only thing I had that made me feel valued. It was a good distraction. Today, and pretty much all days for a while now, it has been .... fun. Yes, it is high pressured, there is a lot of FFS being said and stand-offs in meetings, but there is also a lot of banter and a lot of laughter. As H has the girls tonight, I had a few drink with an ex-colleague and then went and had a facial. My skin feels great. My head, slightly less great.
The ex-colleague sat next to me at my last company when BD happened. He saw it all unfold and the shattered mess I was at the time. Tonight it was great to spend two hours with him again laughing about H's antics ("you CAN'T go on holiday without the children", "are you going out AGAIN" and that damn stupid camera). I so love that I can laugh at H's idiocy, his double standards and his attempts to assert control over me.
I went to an industry celebration thing last night - about 120 people from different companies all working on the project. I had a really good time -- too good maybe. I didn't do anything stupid but, for a few hours I was the girl I was before I met him. I danced, I flirted and I laughed. I flirted a little with the guy who has shown an interest I mentioned in a previous post. He is not "the one". But it was nice. The 'possibility' of something happening, even though I know deep down I would not have taken it further, because "something" is not actually possible for me - he is 28 years old for starters.
But it was nice. It was nice being "me before him" again, even if only for a short time.
And this morning, I sat in the garden again and I cried. I cried because I crossed a line. I cried because last night I did not feel married. I let someone put their arms around me who is not my H. I let someone hold my hand. I let someone dance with me in a way that I do not dance with other people. I wonder if this is how H feels after he has spent the night with someone else. If he ever sits in his flat and cries because the person he was with is not me.
Don´t be too harsh on yourself FS. You have not crossed anything but in your mind. And it´s ok to feel that way. You have chosen the road of honorability and comitment. You must let him go girl, go on with your life. Your H is walking his own road and you can´t be there waiting for signals. I know it´s hard FS but go on living the present time. Be there for the girls and go on with GAL.
Keep DB, stay strong!
((((((((((((FS))))))))))))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
It was nice being "me before him" again, even if only for a short time.
And this morning, I sat in the garden again and I cried. I cried because I crossed a line. I cried because last night I did not feel married.
It sounds like you’re feeling guilty, like you did something “bad” that violated your vows, but also felt good. I imagine that’s a confusing feeling, and think it’s what any spouse feels the first time they cross a line.
Maybe this is what detachment looks and feels like. Maybe this is what finally starts to make him wonder if he’s losing you. Maybe this is what, in the end, will make you MORE married? You never know.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Neff - I know what you say is true. I am trying to live in the present and I am GAL'g and it is getting easier. Its the fact that it is getting easier is where the sadness is coming from. I will carry on as I have been. I do not know where my path will take me, but I am putting one step in front of the other and one day I know I will be OK.
Burned - I did not feel bad. In fact, a part from the fact that the general behavior was beneath me - I leaned into him and he put his arms around me from behind and I was able to um, feel him behind me - it did not feel like I had violated my vows. I did not feel married and I was not thinking about my H at all. I was thinking how nice it was to be with someone who so obviously also wanted to be with me. Even if it was purely a physical connection and it was the effect of having way too much to drink.
Re is this what will finally make him wonder if he is losing me. He does not know - we talk about the girls - never about us. I think he suspects I am changing. Maybe if they can 'smell' we are still attached, they can also 'smell' when we are moving on? If he does suspect, I do not know how he feels about it.
A colleague I use to work with but now works in a different department commented that he saw me walk past the other day and he said I was walking tall with my head high and a swing in my step and he thought to himself "she's going to be fine". If he can see it from afar, maybe my H can too.
