Thank you Burned for your suggestions. I am hoping to find something on the low end of price as I am a true beginner. It is just an instrument I’ve always wanted to learn so I thought that now is as good a time as any.
FS...You amazing woman you!!! Thank-you for what you said and for starting my list. I would add #8 to your list too. Re: dating... I, too, would prefer something organic - especially since I met my H online and we all know how that turned out. However, I do remember that I met a lot of fun people prior to my H and it was an interesting time, at the very least. Chatting with various people online also got me through some boring nights. As long as you take precautions (i.e. meeting in a public place, googling people, etc...) and you don’t take it too seriously, you can meet people you never would have met otherwise. But...I’m not ready to go there yet. For now I am just going to try to expand my circle of friends and interests and see where that takes me.
Lots more thinking today. Concentrating on me...and less on my H. Slowly but surely starting to find my footing again. I know there are lots of hits to come...the biggest being the inevitable separation of finances and custody issues. Also...I fully expect there to be an OW showing up at some point. I know he’s been adamant there is not but I think that is because he doesn’t want people thinking he is more of an @ss than they already do. But I know him. I know it is a very real...dare I say likely...possibility. So there will be hits. But I am determined to be in a much better place by the time they come.
Lots more thinking today. Concentrating on me...and less on my H. Slowly but surely starting to find my footing again. I know there are lots of hits to come...the biggest being the inevitable separation of finances and custody issues. Also...I fully expect there to be an OW showing up at some point. I know he’s been adamant there is not but I think that is because he doesn’t want people thinking he is more of an @ss than they already do. But I know him. I know it is a very real...dare I say likely...possibility. So there will be hits. But I am determined to be in a much better place by the time they come.
DV6, do you have a support system in place and on call once the hits of separation of finances/custody, OW, etc.? Even now, even after I suspected there is something horrible going on between W and OM, I still get walloped and taken down when I find more info about their doings. I am not surprised, I am just hurt at how the woman I once loved would act like this. When I find out, I'm usually out of the house for a long period of time, driving to a rest stop along the freeway and bawling my eyes out asking God to put me out of my misery.
I am not sure how you will handle those, but I do want you to prepare.
Awww...Pain. My heart breaks for you. I do have a pretty good support system. My twin sister, for one, has been a rock and she is always there if I need her. My MIL is also someone who is always around and she has had a lot of experience with my H’s dad who is a lot like him. She has lived my experience to an extent and is able to support me without really getting involved in the dynamics between my H and I. Her main focus is her grandkids and she puts them first. I have no proof of an OW but I am not naive. If there is not one now, there will be one soon. My H relies on other people to prop up his ego and has a hard time looking inwards. If the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, he will seek someone out when he feels he can get away with it. I hate thinking that about him. I would like to think that he is doing the work that he claims to be doing, but I am a realist. He just texted me a little while ago that he can’t see the kids tomorrow because he has meetings Afterschool and into the evening. Hmmm... not sure I buy it but it doesn’t really matter anyway. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
RE: the woman you once loved acting like this. Sad to say but she is not that woman anymore. That woman is gone and has been replaced by this new version. I wish I could say “improved” but we both know that is not the case. Take care of you first. You have NO ideal what the future has in store for you. I believe it will be a better future regardless. Let your W go. She has to do this for whatever reason. Let go of the need to control the outcome and have faith that everything will unfold as it should. (((HUGS)))
...the biggest being the inevitable separation of finances and custody issues.
A suggestion DV. This has a financial component, as much as we want it not too, it does. See a lawyer.
I know your province doesn’t have separation agreements, it is a year apart then divorce. However, find out what you are facing. What the worst case is, what the most likely case is. What you are willing to negotiate and what you are not. All you are doing is gathering information, and information is power. This is a lot to take in, the sooner you start the process the sooner you figure out what you want.
None of that means you are divorcing H, or even want a divorce. You are just getting info. And don’t tell H about it, nothing good will come from that.
You need to protect and ensure a future and security for you and your children. That requires information from a L who deals with this stuff, knows what the courts consider important and not. The L will also give valuable advice on custody.
You have the gift of time right now, use it wisely. My W was in such a desperate rush she pushed our separation through in 2 months. I hardly had time to breathe.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I fully expect there to be an OW showing up at some point.
Sadly, that is probably true. The number of WS who have affairs is staggering. Pay little attention to any OW, it means nothing! Seriously. All his antics have very little to do with you, it is all about him and his addled emotional mind.
You are doing great. Stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I just read my post and basically hijacked your thread. Sorry about that. My intention was to make sure you have folks readily available for you to lean on as you progress.
Pain...no need to apologize. Not a hijack. I value all input and it is hard to not talk about someone else’s sitch without relating it to your own. We are all in this together...so you are not alone.
DnJ...thank you for being my cheerleader and for being the voice of calm and reason. I fully intend to get a consult from an L before I ever step into any kind of negotiation. Likely we will try to mediate but not before I know exactly where I stand. Despite my H’s addled emotional mind, I do hope he will be able to put the kids’ best interests at heart but I will not count on it. Sadly, I have learned, the hard way, not to count on him for anything. So sad because I know that things could have been so different if he had only trusted me enough to talk to me when all of this began. Of course, it could be that I am not the one he couldn’t trust. In a weird way, I think he couldn’t trust himself.
You joined this forum around the time I started a new job and got really busy so I apologize I haven't posted on your thread. I've been trying to read about your situation but I didn't get very far yet. It sounds like you're coping well. It's hard when you lose all your hopes and dreams of the life you thought you'd have with your husband. It's difficult to face all the uncertainty, the loneliness, and betrayal. It's ok if you don't come to terms with everything and feel better right away. I know I'm one of the slow ones here in this forum. Your husband sounds pretty unstable at the moment so he might even change his mind about divorce, especially if he's having an affair and it ends, so anything could happen but of course you to need to plan for a potential divorce. I hope to catch up more on your thread soon!
Thank you for stopping by Nicole. It would be my fondest wish that my H changed his mind and give us a second chance to do right by our kids but realistically, it is unlikely, as he has been convincing himself this is the only option for the past four years and probably even longer than that. One could convince oneself of almost anything in that amount of time. So I have no choice but to move on. It would be so much easier for me to do without our kids. I have always been steadfastly opposed to divorce with children unless you have exhausted EVERY option but it takes two to want to do that. My H’s position is that as long as both parents love their kids and are “happy”, they will adjust. That is what people tell themselves to absolve themselves of guilt. I could adjust to working in a salt mine, it doesn’t mean I am better off. Kids deserve to have both parents 100% of the time and the advantages that come along with that. You can adjust to having one parent 50% of the time but you are not better off. If your parent isn’t there, (s)he isn’t there. But as long as (s)he is “happy”.... (insert eye roll).
I agree some people do tell themselves some version on “kids will adjust”, to absolve themselves of guilt. I don’t know if that actually works for the “guilty” parent/spouse.
You are correct that anyone can convince themselves of anything, and it takes a lot less than four years.
To that point, a caution in mind reading.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
...H changed his mind and give us a second chance to do right by our kids but realistically, it is unlikely, as he has been convincing himself this is the only option for the past four years and probably even longer than that.
You do not know that he has been convincing himself. He doesn’t even know why he is doing what he is doing. A more probably idea is that he has tried, in his mind, to figure out his problem and has ran out of options. This is all he is left with. He is a broken person, desperate, lost, and tormented. Desperate people do desperate things.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I have always been steadfastly opposed to divorce with children unless you have exhausted EVERY option but it takes two to want to do that.
I am also of that mind set. Perhaps you can see how your H, who has been at this for much longer than you (secretly and crazily), has in his mind exhausted every option.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Kids deserve to have both parents 100% of the time and the advantages that come along with that. You can adjust to having one parent 50% of the time but you are not better off.
True. However, not your choice.
How about one parent 100% of time? What if one parent dies? Is it better for kids to not have a bad family unit with parents at each other, to have two better individual role models rather than the one poor one?
You know my situation, and it is on the extreme end of the spectrum. One parent can be enough.
DV, please be careful with mind reading and projecting into your H. Be accurate in thought and heart - it is the road to compassion and loving detachment.
You , we, also are convincing ourselves of things, coming to terms with all that has happened. Do not make it worst than it is, or different than it is. Seek the truth.
Be the best person and parent you will be.
You children will thank you for it.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you for the reframe DnJ. I know that I am projecting and mind reading to a point. You are right about my H. He doesn’t know why he is doing what he is doing, he just needs to do it. When all of this came to light, he fit the description of desperate and tormented. There was even a brief moment where he did a 180... when he was telling me that he loved me and wanted to come home. He quickly reversed from that though. Convinced himself that what he was feeling was just him trying to “fill some holes” and that he had actually tried to take a different path. I think that was the first time he really got in touch with what he had done and felt the weight of it.He had a moment of insight but then shoved it down...too scared to risk returning to the life we had. I wish I could convince him that we don’t have to return to anything... that we could make something new and 100% better. But he doesn’t trust that I would be different, or that he would be different or, even more so, that his feelings would be different. He is steadfast now. He looks at me with no emotion in his eyes. He has worked hard to shut down tha part of his heart. So I am left with this giant task of shutting down mine only there is nothing inside of me driving me to do this in the way that he is being driven. I will accept that I have no influence on what he does. I will endeavour to embrace this new normal and to let him go. I know that I am very close to doing that.
Despite all of my depressive, angst-ridden postings of late, I can feel myself changing inside. It is scary and exciting all at the same time. The relief that will come with detachment is something I long for. I can almost feel it. Certainly, I have had periods of time when I did feel it so I know that it is possible. With the help from you and the others here, I know that I will get there so thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. (((HUGS)))
