will this thread last more than 5 days? (burned)

[burned]

For you, maybe that signature has meaning...

You mean the quote about action?

It just hasn't made a lick of a difference

Think with a beginner's mind. MAYBE, it has been the best thing you could have done - as in any other option would have made the situation worse. If so, then your choices HAVE made a difference. But rather than 'getting better' you've prevented things from 'getting worse'.

I like that. I was never good at delayed gratification, and that has been the source of many of my problems in life, in my M and in general. I avoid pain/conflict now, out of fear, and then I pay for it later, double or quadruple. It makes me look bad and it makes me doubt myself. So I am much more aware of that now. And I'm trying to remind myself that I have to suffer now in order to get something good out of it later. Anyway, how much worse can it get? OK, now that I say that, it could get worse FOR ME. But the MR is about as dead as it's going to be.

Thats why I keep saying - you cant measure your progress based on HER. Or you WILL be stuck. For a long time. Possibly forever.

The fear of being "stuck," when it shows up periodically, is the WORST. It puts me face to face with some really deep psychological/philosophical issues, mainly related to taking responsibility for my life. That's exactly what I'm working on in IC. I live my life in my head, so I never get the real-world feedback that comes from choosing an action, taking it, and seeing what happens.

[DejaVu6]

Measuring progress based on your feelings/actions rather than on hers. That really resonated with me. Tha is really the only progress that we can truly measure and count on. I will be keeping that in mind as I continue to try to detach...with love. Hang in their Burned. I really believe that things always seem the darkest before the dawn. You will get past this and begin to see things in a different light...eventually. (((HUGS)))

[AnotherStander]

In my opinion, the best chance that you have to save your marriage is to completely forget about it. But how? Will it take actually BEING divorced for it to set in for you? Im not sure exactly....just food for thought I guess.

This is sort of what I was trying to get at a few weeks ago when I was pondering it. Like, not only to get a sense of control by BEING the one to do it, but also to get it rolling because I think in my head it's this looming thing that has to happen before I can move on.

Inner peace doesn't come until you let go. It's not so much forgetting about the M so much as it is accepting your sitch, accepting you can't change your W's mind and being OK with the outcome whether it's recon or not. When you get to that point, THEN you can consider getting the D rolling. But if you try to push the D through before you've gained that inner peace then you will likely regret your decision.

And yet here I am terrified of moving on, for fear that then I will have lost her.

Moving on is not a technique for bringing her back, because if that's what's in your mind, then you haven't moved on at all, you've only pretended you've moved on (which she will see right through). Once you get to the point of well and truly moving on (which you will), then you will be content whether she returns or not. Not to say you won't care, of course you will, you probably always will. But again, it's finding that inner peace and acceptance that sets you (and her) free.

(Speaking of those, I still don't know what to make of them, my best explanation is that she's saying nice things just to satisfy herself.)

They are temp checks.

So from the perspective of DB, aside from what I'm doing for me, I mean in terms of what's forward-facing to her, I'm doing the "right" things and doing them consistently. It just hasn't made a lick of a difference, to the best of my knowledge. Of course it's too soon, so...what it has ended up doing is to deprive me of the short-term satisfaction I used to get from interacting with her.

Ok so how do they know you HAVEN'T moved on? They know when you pursue and beg and plead and throw yourself in front of them. They also know when you go dark and don't reply to messages and are cold and indifferent towards them. Why? Because that says "I'm punishing you for what you've done hoping it will wake you up and get your attention." BOTH approaches let her know you are still firmly in the Plan B court, that all she needs to do is snap her fingers and you will abandon your position and come running back.

How do they know when you HAVE moved on? When you are your old self around them. Smooth, comfortable, chatty yet aloof, amusing, confident, unconcerned. Basically.... NORMAL. Your normal self. So many people try do "nice" their WAS back, and then when that doesn't work they try to "mean" them back. It's two sides of the same coin though, and the WAS knows that.

[Vapo]

^^^^AS^^^^^ This!

Truer words have never been spoken!

And yet here I am terrified of moving on, for fear that then I will have lost her. Today is particularly painful, for whatever reason.

And then that causes me to lose her. So I don't know, in terms of what SHE sees, I essentially have moved on. I post nothing on social media. I have no interactions with anyone who interacts with her. We are physically S. Interactions happen only electronically and deal only with the upcoming D or other managerial nuisances. With the exception of her occasional "I hope you're OK" or whatever garbage, which I don't respond to, there is no talk of anything emotional whatsoever. (Speaking of those, I still don't know what to make of them, my best explanation is that she's saying nice things just to satisfy herself.)

Burned, lost her you already have. There is no if when you ask the question about your marriage. Your marriage is dead, it died at BD. You have lost her at that time at the latest, but most probably a couple of years prior to BD. When she quit nagging you most likely thought that you were doing great. You were, but she was checked out by then.

It does not matter one bit that she is saying niceties every now and then. It is just to appease her and has nothing to to with her feelings towards you.

Stay strong buddy...

[burned]

For you, maybe that signature has meaning...

You mean the quote about action?

OK, I get what you meant now. The signature on the divorce papers. So, yeah, it does have a lot of meaning, because I ascribe a lot of meaning to it. Primarily negative meaning right now, but I get your gist that it could be turned into a positive meaning.

[Twofeet]

Hey burninator I posted this quote on DV6 page, but I think its relevant for you and letting go. Its a hard one to hear and I struggle with the harshness of its truth.

"She is not yours, its just your turn."

[burned]

Hey burninator I posted this quote on DV6 page, but I think its relevant for you and letting go. Its a hard one to hear and I struggle with the harshness of its truth.

"She is not yours, its just your turn."

Love the nickname!
Saw that on DV6's thread and I was just about to ask you where you got that from. I don;'t really get what it means out of context. Like, it was my turn to have her?

[FlySolo]

ow do they know when you HAVE moved on? When you are your old self around them. Smooth, comfortable, chatty yet aloof, amusing, confident, unconcerned. Basically.... NORMAL. Your normal self. So many people try do "nice" their WAS back, and then when that doesn't work they try to "mean" them back. It's two sides of the same coin though, and the WAS knows that.

I love this ... this is where I want to get to ... not quiet there yet.

if I could pin it on my fridge I would. Except he'd see it. I might take a screen shot and have it ready to read when ever I am faltering in my resolve.

[Yorkie]

It does explain things well I agree. But what if the 'normal' old self isn't what they want (otherwise they wouldn't have gone looking elsewhere?)

[Twofeet]

Hey burninator I posted this quote on DV6 page, but I think its relevant for you and letting go. Its a hard one to hear and I struggle with the harshness of its truth.

"She is not yours, its just your turn."

Love the nickname!
Saw that on DV6's thread and I was just about to ask you where you got that from. I don;'t really get what it means out of context. Like, it was my turn to have her?

I heard a divorced Canadian talk about it on youtube. Basically, you don't own your W, you never owned your W, she was never yours. You only own you. Everything changes or comes to an end. Maybe your turn lasts till one of you die, maybe its lasts until one of you get off the ride (i.e. D). Its more important to cherish what you had, and cherish what you have while you have it.