Free yourself B, free yourself. You´ll recall this time in the future only as a bad memory. Move forward, better times ahead.
You need to leave that state of mind behind man. It´s no easy but you need to consciously apply energy to do so. Let me tell you something. I´m going to speak from the dark side...My R with OW was an on/off R. I knew I was wrong in what I was doing so I tried to escape from that R many times. I often told OW that I couldn´t choose her, I had my family and I was sinking with that ship. Awful...Storm all over the horizon. Well that ship is now sailing with strong winds and full sails. Let the time pass to heal the wounds. Better times are coming man, I promise you.
(((B)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
The question is, if they soften up, are there issues that are just dealbreakers? Or does it just FEEL that way right now?
What do you mean? Do you mean if you were a slob and she softens up but discovers you are still a slob could that be a dealbreaker that would make her decide not to recon? That really depends on her. I can tell you I know two different men whose wives left them and they did no 180's at all and their wives still came back. But then I've done a bunch of 180's and my W didn't come back. So does that mean we shouldn't do 180's? LOL! Like Vapo said you do them for you. The impact you hope a 180 has on your W is an expectation, and expectations just lead to disappointment.
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It's back to the same LBH question about, "If I spend 2 years making dramatic changes, but they never interact with me, how will they know?"
They have a 6th sense about this stuff. And though they would never, ever admit it, they are checking in on us- snooping, asking questions to mutual friends/ family/ kids.
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I mean, my apartment could be spotless, she would see that FINALLY after 10 years of nagging I finally got my act together. But that would still reinforce her view that the fact that I didn't get my act together while WE were together means that I didn't respect her enough.
As long as she's still a WAS anything like that will be "too little too late" in her eyes. But once she gets over WAS status, she will look and say "wow he really has changed, this new burned is very interesting indeed!"
Free yourself B, free yourself. You´ll recall this time in the future only as a bad memory. Move forward, better times ahead.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
But once she gets over WAS status, she will look and say "wow he really has changed, this new burned is very interesting indeed!"
Thank you. Those two comments set the tone for the rest of the day.
Today was super weird.
Yesterday I saw IC in the morning. He pushed my buttons, probably intentionally, and then I was essentially dysfunctional for the rest of the day. It was snowing so we had a lot of cancellations and the work day ended up being a "team-building day" which is code for "let's goof off and enjoy ourselves." Puts people in a good mood. I didn't get any work done, but on days like that it doesn't matter much.
This morning I woke up feeling pretty terrible about myself, as previously mentioned. But it lit a little fire in me. I got fed up with myself.
Next thing you know, I'm at work getting s#it done. Still snowing, so more cancellations. But wouldn't you know it, when I get all sassy and start acting like my old self, I get a BETTER response from my colleagues, not a worse one. Burned 1, NGS 0. I can't tell you how gigantic of a relief this is. My colleagues are my second family, and after BD they felt like they were losing me just as much as I felt I was losing them. So as of today, I feel like I'm getting back on track there. Not out of the woods, but I'm starting to get a grip on things. A month ago the feedback from the boss was, "You suck at this and I'm not sure you're worth the hassle." Today the vibe is, "You have some specific problems that you need to address, but we like you and we're willing to tolerate your shortcomings as you bounce back." At lunch one of them said, "Burned, you seem like you're doing a lot better these days."
Next, I went to a meeting that I'd rather not be specific about. It lasted a few hours. At the end the facilitator mentioned something about volunteers. So I stayed and asked her if she needs more volunteers. She said, Yeah, totally, and we're doing training pretty soon. So I will email her to get that ball rolling. Getting into a volunteering gig has been one of my goals since S (of course, I have been procrastinating, what else is new). So that fell right into my lap.
On the way out the door I got a text from the girl who organizes the little Meetup group that I go to every Friday night. The back story to that is that she's trying to develop a sort of non-profit that creates opportunities for lonely hearts like me to get together with others. I wish I had a better way of explaining it, but I'm not sure exactly what the plan is. It's neat, though. So she sends me a text asking if I want to be on the leadership team. Yup! I see this going somewhere, and it will be fun to be involved. So that fell right into my lap. Except that would not have happened if I hadn't been GALing.
And guess what? I thought about W only occasionally, and only for a short amount of time, and my usual reaction was, "Well, there it is, nothing I can do about it, oh well. Let her do her thing. I'm OK for now." I even went to the bookstore to find a new book, and I did what I promised myself I wouldn't do. I went to the "relationships" section and looked at the books about D. And I flipped through one of them and got annoyed at the usual advice. Eff that noise. But instead of letting it ruin the rest of my week and send me spinning, I sort of grimaced, walked away, and by the time I was back at my car I was thinking, Meh, whatever.
It was snowing. Beautiful. Made me think of all the times I would go home to W and the weather outside was crummy and I loved being at home with her, warm and comfortable. So I looked at the snow and thought to myself, Meh, that was then. Here I am now.
Then, back at the apartment, the maintenance guy randomly shows up. I had emailed him a couple of weeks ago and I was just about to actually CALL him (duh). He gives me the key to my mailbox. I didn't know what number I'd get. But now I can finally start having my mail forwarded so I don't have to go to the house to get it. And I can start updating my address for credit cards and things like that. Then he says he's got someone coming to fix the dishwasher tomorrow. And then he says that he and the landlord and various other people play pool downstairs sometimes, and that he would text me next time they're down there to invite me.
Not sure what to make of all this but I'm feeling OK in a way that I haven't felt in a while, and it's a huge weight off my shoulders. I hope I can keep it going tomorrow.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
involved. So that fell right into my lap. Except that would not have happened if I hadn't been GALing.
And guess what? I thought about W only occasionally, and only for a short amount of time, and my usual reaction was, "Well, there it is, nothing I can do about it, oh well. Let her do her thing. I'm OK for now."
My understanding and experience so far is that the "bad" feeling will still come in waves, but this part about "feeling OK" and getting better at being "meh" does mean something, because if you are feeling okay, you ARE ok... (I read that yesterday somewhere...why can I never remember where?!)
I think it's great that you've "verbalized" that thought process in this way. I actually just started truly practicing the same thing today, where when I thought about missing H I forced myself to think, "NO, how about how nice is this warm water in the shower right now at this moment? Ahh so relaxing..." It felt awkward and, as I said, forced, but I think it's a good step and for you to have had multiple moments of that today is great!
Just don't beat yourself up if a wave comes later on. That's what I was struggling with over the holiday, was having gone so many weeks feeling "OK" and then Thanksgiving came and I fell apart, cried to my mom, went to IC and yoga in the same day and felt anxious for two more days before finally now feeling a bit better again.
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
Burned, that's a pretty good day, that's what I'm talking about in taking it back, your life - from work to home and all in-between. In my thread you posted something about your coworkers and here it is now, not long after that, you had a great win at work. Glad you were able to draw positive energy from the two quotes and you ran with it. You turned that negative energy when you were fed up with yourself and turned it around and it just snowballed from there.
You said it, had it not been for you GAL'ing, things would not have been lined up the way they did. It was just a domino effect after that. Whatever you want to call it, the power of will, attitude / altitude, you create your own fate, or the power of positivity, this will overflow into other aspects of your life. Wake up, let something good inspire you and roll with it. Then go to sleep and think about something good and sleep well.
I like how you were able to appreciate the snow, able to reflect back on beautiful memories and then pop back into reality, still in tact.
inspiring man, good day.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I dread the idea of going to bars to “pick up ladies.” Eff that noise
I just came here to yell at you. Because when you start dating I guarantee it will be some lady walking over to pick YOU up. Sit back and relax, bro.
Wait, is that your new 180!? Let the lovelies come to YOU? I think I totally guessed it.
Hahaha.You might as well have said this to me too lol.
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
I just came here to yell at you. Because when you start dating I guarantee it will be some lady walking over to pick YOU up. Sit back and relax, bro.
Wait, is that your new 180!? Let the lovelies come to YOU? I think I totally guessed it.
Lol. Thank you. No, wouldn’t be a 180, that’s how it always was. For all 2 of the girls (b/c I met my last girl, my W, when she was 18 and I was 20) that were ever my “girlfriend.” Friend of a friend sort of thing. I used to tell W that I was so glad we met before online dating was a thing. But I’m not 20 anymore, and I don’t spend my weekends d’cking around with my friends and running into all kinds of people. So, gonna have to exorcise that introversion and exercise some extraversion.
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Woke up suddenly just now wondering if I overdid it a bit with pain18. I meant well, trying to get him inspired, but I might have been a bit too outlandish and now my NGS is kicking in. Karma’s a b’tch. I’m sorry, pain, I really hope you’ll accept that post with the spirit of camaraderie that I intended but maybe didn’t convey well.
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I should add that the dream I woke up suddenly from was W screaming at me, “It’s not your life!” (meaning, her life isn’t mine to control). So you could say that I’m learning a thing or two from the folks here.
Last edited by burned; 11/29/1806:08 AM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Woke up suddenly just now wondering if I overdid it a bit with pain18. I meant well, trying to get him inspired, but I might have been a bit too outlandish and now my NGS is kicking in. Karma’s a b’tch. I’m sorry, pain, I really hope you’ll accept that post with the spirit of camaraderie that I intended but maybe didn’t convey well.
Stop apologizing. You meant well. Water off my back.
