Not sure how to proceed or just move on?

[DejaVu6]

Wow Lost! That is really positive news. And good for you for not jumping at it and taking some time to think. As you know, too much enthusiasm would likely send her running again as it would feel like more pressure. Taking it slow is the only way to do this, I think. You’re right... it IS a critical time. It is a time to act and not to react. Read DR if you haven’t already. Continue to work on your 180s and GAL. Let her come to you for the most part. I am envious...I wish my H and I could get to this place but unlikely. Sending you lots of positive energy and hoping this is the beginning of a new and more satisfying R. (((HUGS)))

[Twofeet]

imlost8,

Sounds like good news. Sounds like she wants to start in right direction. Just be careful and remember actions speak louder than words. Also remember she ended the MR and so while she is coming to you and telling you what you need to change, ultimately if she wants to be apart of your life you set the terms. The spouse is a compliment to your life they should not define your life, and I think that this is a mistake a lot of us have made, both M and F LBS. Determine your non-negotiables and stick them, if the W truly wants you back then you have the position of strength in that you can just walk away. If this goes to piecing, everyone who has done it says this is where the work begins. I wish you well and keep us updated on your sitch.

[AnotherStander]

AS, it is a counselor from AA. The counselor diagnosed her, imposed the rules, and the goal is that her and I reunite as a family.

Ah, OK thanks! That makes sense then. I missed the part where she was in AA now. Well that's good, hopefully she will take it seriously.

Another weird update: Recieved a text from her 6:30pm “hey, sorry to bother you but could you tell me what this light means” (and sent me a pic of the dash of her car with a warning light on). I didn’t respond, and at 8:30pm recieved this: “From what I can tell you only cared about getting back together with me and you don’t care if I’m ok like you said. I won’t bother you again, go and file for divorce and send it to my address”. Didn’t respond to that either, my plan is to ignore it but what should I do?

That's extremely passive/aggressive on her part. If she sticks with AA she's got a long, painful, difficult recovery ahead of her. I think during that time you should offer support but keep her at arm's length. No R discussions at all. Stuff like the above, I would tell her "your recovery is going to take quite a while, we should table any discussions about our relationship until you complete that".

So she came by, told me about her retreat, apologized for many things in the marriage, and said that she also remembered things that I did wrong which still makes her mad to remember them. She went over what she wants me to change (things that I already know and have changed or am working on). And told me what she knows that she needs to change for this to work.

I wouldn't give too much weight to this, I'm sure she is just repeating exactly what she was told to do in AA. I've never had direct experience with the AA steps but have had friends that did and it all sounds exactly like what I've heard before.

I didn’t say much during her talk and at the end i told her that I needed to think about it and I’d let her know.

I wouldn't open the door to friendship. My suggestion is to tell her you will support her during the process but you're not interested in being her friend, and after her recovery you two can decide where to go from there.

I believe that her heart is in changing and I am changing as well. I truly believe it can work and we can be happy. As far as not knowing what do to at times, I know what my goal is, I just don’t want to keep making mistakes. I feel like this is a critical time to make or break this marriage.

She's an addict and she is very likely to relapse. That is a roller coaster ride you do not want to go on. Like I said above, keep her at arm's length. I disagree with your comment that now is a critical time to make or break the M, no that will come much later after her recovery.

[imlost8]

Hey everyone, wanted to give another update on my sitch. Things took a turn for the worse. Since my last update, we had been seeing more of each other and talking more (her initiating, sometimes I’d accept and sometimes not). Things were going good up until this weekend.

We took a trip out of state together, just the two of us. Her birthday is today, and the trip was to celebrate her birthday and for us to bond (her words). At first I was reluctant, but then she convinced me and I was excited about it. I know now that this was a huge mistake. So we drive out there (4 hours) and when we get there, we eat, go to a history museum, then walk along the canal. Everything 100% positive so far.

We then went to the hotel. Checked in, and we both felt tired so decided to take a nap. I woke up first, showered, and then she woke up. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she didn’t feel like doing anything, and I noticed she was in a mood. I asked her what was wrong and she said that it was boring here (which it really was lol we picked the wrong city to go to) and if we could go home. I said are you sure? We are already here, and she said yes let’s go. So we left, and it was a quiet ride home for the most part. About halfway into the ride, she starts talking about “us”. Saying that she doesn’t know if she wants to keep trying and that she cares about me but doesn’t love me, etc. I really didn’t say much (I was mad about coming back so soon so I kept quiet but she knew I wasn’t too happy).

She dropped me off at my house that night and the next day she texted me 1pm saying “ I’m sorry it didn’t work out, I really wanted to give it a shot”. I called her and asked if I could stop at her job to see her (I felt so low and depressed I just wanted to see her). She said yes, I brought her flowers and asked her if she wanted to do something and surprisingly she agreed. We went to the mall and had a good time. She asked me if I was ok and I said not really but I will be. When we left she said ok we’ll talk later and that was it. I called her that night and she didn’t answer and sent me a text saying that she didn’t feel like talking and that if I could respect that, I said yes and that was it.

In the morning she called me and asked me a question about her daughters phone. She was very serious and distant. Then yesterday I called her because they called me from the bank about her car loan and were trying to get in touch with her (she switched car insurance companies so they thought she had no insurance).

I told her about the bank thing and then she said listen I don’t want to keep trying, I don’t see the point. I don’t think you will change or be the man I want you to be. I said I feel as though we moved too fast and need to just be friends and take it slower. She repeated that she didn’t want to try and that I needed to understand. I said think about how many times you’ve told me that, and she said this time is different and she’s done, and hung up. I texted her saying that we both needed to take time and think about things, and not to say things she doesn’t mean. She said to leave her alone and that she doesn’t want to hear from me. That was it.

Today is her birthday and I feel really sad. I can’t even contact her to wish her a happy birthday. We were going to go out tonight. Do you think there’s a way to turn this around? I already know each and every mistake I made and I know not to repeat them. I just feel so depressed and low and lost again. I really got my hopes up this time. Now she doesn’t want anything to do with me.

[burned]

I texted her saying that we both needed to take time and think about things, and not to say things she doesn’t mean. She said to leave her alone and that she doesn’t want to hear from me.

Sorry to hear about the setback. You were getting your hopes up and things seemed to be going well, so it must sting even more that you ended up in the same place. I guess just remind yourself that it's not your fault -- this is stuff going on with HER that SHE needs to deal with. She doesn't want to hear from you RIGHT NOW. So respect that, show her the love by giving her the space. No talk, just action. Go dark and wait.

[imlost8]

I wanted to add that she asked me a little while back if I could go to a AA retreat like she did, she said that it would mean a lot to her because she would see that I want to improve myself, and it would help me to change my ways. I have been going to meetings but I hadn’t told her yet. Yesterday during our texting when I told her that we needed time I told her that my retreat was next weekend and that I needed this week and next week to focus on that and that I’d contact her after the retreat when I felt ready and she said ok.

[SteveLW]

imlost8, wow. Lots of mistakes here. And now you are paying the price.

Ask yourself: is this what GAL, 180s, and detachment look like? Honestly, unbiased, putting aside your feelings, wants and desires.

Take this:

I called her and asked if I could stop at her job to see her (I felt so low and depressed I just wanted to see her). She said yes, I brought her flowers and asked her if she wanted to do something and surprisingly she agreed. We went to the mall and had a good time. She asked me if I was ok and I said not really but I will be. When we left she said ok we’ll talk later and that was it.

I bet when you left you were on cloud 9. "She accepted the flowers! She went to the mall with me! She had a good time!" However look at the result:

I called her that night and she didn’t answer and sent me a text saying that she didn’t feel like talking and that if I could respect that, I said yes and that was it.

Ouch. See what pursuit and pressure does?

Your WAW is telling you loud and clear: "I WANT TIME AND SPACE."

Give it to her. Do you think she wanted you to come to work? Bring her flowers? Go the to mall together? NO. She is trying to let you down easy.

Pull back. Go dark. Let her figure her stuff out. You will never be successful until you remove all pressure and let her come to you. Be the lighthouse. The lighthouse doesn't chase ships......ships come to the lighthouse.

imlost8, learn from these mistakes. Double down on DBing. Save yourself and quit trying to save your M.

[imlost8]

Steve you are right. I am reflecting on my mistakes and I am aware of them. Do you think I should text her happy birthday or is that pursuit? Thank you for your advice I needed to hear it

[Maika]

Hey! I haven't read your whole sitch, but you need to leave her alone. Go and do your own thing. Go NC/Dark as much as possible. Stop pursuit and pressure. I know you're hurting, but all of this behavior is sending beta male signals to her, which makes her lose more respect for you. Don't suddenly turn into a macho man, but start handling your own business and let her go on her path. You need to find yours.

[SteveLW]

Steve you are right. I am reflecting on my mistakes and I am aware of them. Do you think I should text her happy birthday or is that pursuit? Thank you for your advice I needed to hear it

This is always a tough one. My advice it to send a short, concise, closed-ended text message.

"Happy birthday. I hope you have a good one!"