So I get home and notice that he didn’t move his things in the other room. OK so I never answered your question. You could have still taken the initiative to move your things into the other room.
Does this refer to the MBR? The other way to look at this inaction is that that space is YOURS now. He is viewing it as yours, and to enter without express permission would be crossing a line. Perhaps he's being passive aggressive, perhaps he was being lazy or trying to push your buttons. But from this moment forward, that space is your space and the room he is staying in is his space. I would vote that you don't enter either one without a polite request. Other areas are common areas, but I think you both need an area you can retreat to without fear of the other person entering.
Yail, yes I’m staying in the master bedroom he’s staying in the spare bedroom. He’s been sleeping in the spare bedroom but still getting dressed and bathing in my room and bathroom. So he asked me if it would help me if he moved his things out and started sharing the hall bath with our son. However, I didn’t respond to his text message. I was at work.
When I got home he hasn’t moved his things. This morning he came in my room got dressed, brushed his teeth, shaved, etc. I went in to use the restroom and I caught him looking at me in the mirror.
I totally agree with you about our respective spaces. So the boundary I’m setting is he needs to stay in the spare room and use the hall bathroom. That is why I took the initiative to move his things out of the MBR myself. I no longer want him feeling comfortable coming in and out of my space. And I won’t go in his space either. No need to. He wants to be separated, he’s going to get what he asked for.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
But now I am fed up. I’m done trying to save my marriage. I’m not the one that broke it so I’m tired of being the one trying to fix it. My H no longer wants to be married. He no longer wants to be confined by a marriage. He wants the freedom to come and go as he pleases and to go find happiness. I’m not the one that wants out he is. So the ball is in his court.
As I stated he wants to be separated, he wants out of this marriage (his words), so I’m showing him the door. Time to start living authentic and be separated.
Just to reiterate, what I've learned here is that this attitude is what leads to progress. But now you'll need to be selective about which actions move you closer to, or further away from, your goal of saving the marriage. But, you say, you don't want to save the marriage. Great! Leave it at that and you might find that the marriage saves itself.
"Let him go to get him back." It WILL be up to you to decide if you want him back, if he asks to return. But you're nowhere close to that point yet.
You say you don't have a manual. This forum is your manual. Post, post, post and pretty soon you'll get a better sense of "what to do." Just always be sure to think about what you're doing, and why. Act, don't react. Make rational choices, not emotional choices.
That being said, your "fed up" feeling might have been a good push to overcome that initial inertia. You take your power back, you regain some self-respect, and THEN you have more room to maneuver in terms of making choices. You bring yourself from a place where you have only one choice, to a place where you can choose from many.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
But now I am fed up. I’m done trying to save my marriage. I’m not the one that broke it so I’m tired of being the one trying to fix it. My H no longer wants to be married. He no longer wants to be confined by a marriage. He wants the freedom to come and go as he pleases and to go find happiness. I’m not the one that wants out he is. So the ball is in his court.
As I stated he wants to be separated, he wants out of this marriage (his words), so I’m showing him the door. Time to start living authentic and be separated.
Just to reiterate, what I've learned here is that this attitude is what leads to progress. But now you'll need to be selective about which actions move you closer to, or further away from, your goal of saving the marriage. But, you say, you don't want to save the marriage. Great! Leave it at that and you might find that the marriage saves itself.
Your are so right! This will be best!
"Let him go to get him back." It WILL be up to you to decide if you want him back, if he asks to return. But you're nowhere close to that point yet.
Again, you’re right!
You say you don't have a manual. This forum is your manual. Post, post, post and pretty soon you'll get a better sense of "what to do." Just always be sure to think about what you're doing, and why. Act, don't react. Make rational choices, not emotional choices.
Thank you, I will take your advice!
That being said, your "fed up" feeling might have been a good push to overcome that initial inertia. You take your power back, you regain some self-respect, and THEN you have more room to maneuver in terms of making choices. You bring yourself from a place where you have only one choice, to a place where you can choose from many.
Burned, THANK YOU so much. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I love what you wrote and I truly believe this will be best for everyone involved. I’m at the point that I’m just tired of the craziness. I’m putting my marriage and my H is Gods hands. I’m letting him go and letting God. I’m done, the chips wlll fall where they may!
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Glad to be of use. But I do hope that other people will jump in and proffer their wisdom. I am by no means an expert, and I'd hate to nudge you in the wrong direction. As the work day begins and people show up at their computers, I think you'll get some more useful input.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/28/1801:47 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
For the past year I’ve worked my ass off to try and save this marriage. I’ve bent over backwards for a man that betrayed me in the worst ways. I’ve given a man a second chance that couldn’t even have the courage to come tell me he was unhappy in our marriage. No but he was able to go put his heart out to the chick he cheated on me with last year. He told a total freaking stranger his feelings before he even told me...his freaking wife.
I’ve given my all to this marriage and I don’t deserve the way he has treated me. So yes LH 19 it’s not fair for him to call all the shots. I’m taking my power back. Guys I may not be doing things exactly the way I should but I’m taking my freaking power back.
GOOD!!!! I agree with Burned, this is a solid turning point for you and will HELP your situation. You're starting to see this situation for what it really is- you've got a lying, cheating husband that's not worth your efforts. He's not the man you fell in love with, the MLC fairies stole that man and dumped this loser into his body. So get mad and get busy taking control of your life. Get off his roller coaster!
Quote
So I get home and notice that he didn’t move his things in the other room. OK so I never answered your question. You could have still taken the initiative to move your things into the other room.
Box it up and move it out yourself. Just stick it right outside the door. Send a message to him that you are done with his crap!
Quote
So as wrong as I may be and some of you may chastise me for this...this morning after he left for work, I moved all his clothes, shoes, and toiletries into the other room myself.
LOL! I replied before reading the whole thing, but you see what I just said so that should tell you what I think of your actions (clapping hands)
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You want a divorce? You want to be separated? Let’s start acting like it.
EXACTLY. No more cake-eating.
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I’m done trying to save my marriage. I’ve been the only one trying to save it and all it has gotten me is hurt, lied to, lead on, confused, mistreated, and betrayed. I’m over it.
Preach! This lays the groundwork for what you should have been doing all along- working on you and leaving him to his mess. I'm not saying run out and file for D but I am saying leave him alone and do your own thing. Send him a message that you are Plan A or not on the radar. Plan B is no longer acceptable to you.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/28/1801:53 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
^^^^^exactly the person and the post I was hoping for.
Living, I think you just reached a very important "stage" or "phase" or whatever, very early in your DBing process, that will save you months of suffering if you stick to your guns. Let the healing begin.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
For the past year I’ve worked my ass off to try and save this marriage. I’ve bent over backwards for a man that betrayed me in the worst ways. I’ve given a man a second chance that couldn’t even have the courage to come tell me he was unhappy in our marriage. No but he was able to go put his heart out to the chick he cheated on me with last year. He told a total freaking stranger his feelings before he even told me...his freaking wife.
I’ve given my all to this marriage and I don’t deserve the way he has treated me. So yes LH 19 it’s not fair for him to call all the shots. I’m taking my power back. Guys I may not be doing things exactly the way I should but I’m taking my freaking power back.
GOOD!!!! I agree with Burned, this is a solid turning point for you and will HELP your situation. You're starting to see this situation for what it really is- you've got a lying, cheating husband that's not worth your efforts. He's not the man you fell in love with, the MLC fairies stole that man and dumped this loser into his body. So get mad and get busy taking control of your life. Get off his roller coaster!
Quote
So I get home and notice that he didn’t move his things in the other room. OK so I never answered your question. You could have still taken the initiative to move your things into the other room.
Box it up and move it out yourself. Just stick it right outside the door. Send a message to him that you are done with his crap!
Quote
So as wrong as I may be and some of you may chastise me for this...this morning after he left for work, I moved all his clothes, shoes, and toiletries into the other room myself.
LOL! I replied before reading the whole thing, but you see what I just said so that should tell you what I think of your actions (clapping hands)
Quote
You want a divorce? You want to be separated? Let’s start acting like it.
EXACTLY. No more cake-eating.
Quote
I’m done trying to save my marriage. I’ve been the only one trying to save it and all it has gotten me is hurt, lied to, lead on, confused, mistreated, and betrayed. I’m over it.
Preach! This lays the groundwork for what you should have been doing all along- working on you and leaving him to his mess. I'm not saying run out and file for D but I am saying leave him alone and do your own thing. Send him a message that you are Plan A or not on the radar. Plan B is no longer acceptable to you.
Thank your comment Another Stander, I needed to hear that I was doing the right thing. It feels good too. I’m not saying there won’t be bad days where I feel sad but today I feel good. So today I’m going to focus on how good I feel taking back my power!
I’m taking screenshots of these comments so that I can have them to refer back to when I need them. Thank you all so much. I truly appreciate each of you!
Last edited by Cadet; 11/28/1803:07 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Please start a new thread and link the two threads together. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Original BD: 10/26/2017 PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017 Second BD: 09/15/2018 Currently: IHS M: 42 H: 45 S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
