Meddling family members --- last Sunday when I asked W about Retrouvaille I also asked my parents if they would be able to watch the kids if we went. Figured I wanted that base covered if W miraculously agreed to go.
Just got a text from W asking what all I said to my mom about the program? She said my mom text her saying that she thinks it would be a good opportunity and then went on to say that she (W) was caught off guard.
I responded and told her I just asked her if she could watch the kids if we ended up going which she agreed to do.
Should I know send her another message stating that I don't think I'm interested anymore and that I'll just make plans to GAL like I was planning originally?
Need some advice quick!
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Do not bring it up again. If she asks "are we going?" then you tell her "no I changed my mind" and leave it at that.
I can tell you are dying to call her out on texting your buddy.
I will not call her out. Trust me. She replied back to my text in the meantime and said that my mom mentioned she could watch the kids and my W just replied thank you. She then said "I have a few thoughts on it but we can talk tonight if you want."
I feel like I need to respond with something --- I thinking, "No, that's OK. I've thought more about it and I don't think I want to go."
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Wanted, DBing is simple. GAL. 180. Detach. Do not initiate discussions, but listen and validate when she does.
Those that struggle the most are those that do not stick to the script. You want to tell her so badly that Retrovaille is now out. Don't tell her. Show her. How? BY NEVER MENTIONING IT AGAIN. If she brings it up, "I made other plans for that weekend." When she starts protesting, listen and validate.
The other thing that is common among those that struggle the most....they TALK too much. Whether verbally or via text/message. Say as few words as possible. Be succinct. When she says or sends something that is not a question DO NOT RESPOND!! If she asks a direct question you answer in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
I hope LH is wrong. But I detect he is not. You want to tell her retrovaille is out so that when she asks why you can lay down the hammer on the texting. Before you do that, what will it gain you? Will it get you closer to R or further away?
Wanted, I think you actually have a good chance of turning all this around....but you need to stick to the script and stop talking so much.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Do not bring it up again. If she asks "are we going?" then you tell her "no I changed my mind" and leave it at that.
I can tell you are dying to call her out on texting your buddy.
I will not call her out. Trust me. She replied back to my text in the meantime and said that my mom mentioned she could watch the kids and my W just replied thank you. She then said "I have a few thoughts on it but we can talk tonight if you want."
I feel like I need to respond with something --- I thinking, "No, that's OK. I've thought more about it and I don't think I want to go."
Nope. no need to respond. You can short-circuit the conversation tonight with "I changed my mind."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Do not bring it up again. If she asks "are we going?" then you tell her "no I changed my mind" and leave it at that.
I can tell you are dying to call her out on texting your buddy.
I will not call her out. Trust me. She replied back to my text in the meantime and said that my mom mentioned she could watch the kids and my W just replied thank you. She then said "I have a few thoughts on it but we can talk tonight if you want."
I feel like I need to respond with something --- I thinking, "No, that's OK. I've thought more about it and I don't think I want to go."
Nope. no need to respond. You can short-circuit the conversation tonight with "I changed my mind."
Yes, I definitely talk to much. I'm a lawyer, so talking is instinctual and I need to 180 on that. I know I need to and its hard to implement but I'm trying my best.
I've thought about what you said in your previous post about whether or not bringing it up will bring me closer to R or not. There is nothing to gain by bringing it up other than to prove "Gotcha" so I'm not going to. That would just add fuel to the blaze that I'm engulfed in.
So, just leave the text message hanging then? And if she comes to talk to me about it tonight, listen, validate and then state that I changed my mind? That's another 180 that I suppose I could implement -- I've ALWAYS made it a point to respond to phone calls, text messages, emails, etc. in a VERY timely manner. Always. No matter who it is. If I don't respond at all it will definitely pique her interest I would think because it would be completely out of the norm for me. I've always deemed it considerate to respond immediately to any of the above because I like when the same is afforded to me. Like I said, no response would be a complete 180 from my behavior in the past. Not just with W but with anyone at work, friends, etc.
Last edited by Wanted1; 11/27/1807:53 PM.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Do not bring it up again. If she asks "are we going?" then you tell her "no I changed my mind" and leave it at that.
I can tell you are dying to call her out on texting your buddy.
I will not call her out. Trust me. She replied back to my text in the meantime and said that my mom mentioned she could watch the kids and my W just replied thank you. She then said "I have a few thoughts on it but we can talk tonight if you want."
I feel like I need to respond with something --- I thinking, "No, that's OK. I've thought more about it and I don't think I want to go."
Nope. no need to respond. You can short-circuit the conversation tonight with "I changed my mind."
Yes, I definitely talk to much. I'm a lawyer, so talking is instinctual and I need to 180 on that. I know I need to and its hard to implement but I'm trying my best.
I've thought about what you said in your previous post about whether or not bringing it up will bring me closer to R or not. There is nothing to gain by bringing it up other than to prove "Gotcha" so I'm not going to. That would just add fuel to the blaze that I'm engulfed in.
So, just leave the text message hanging then? And if she comes to talk to me about it tonight, listen, validate and then state that I changed my mind? That's another 180 that I suppose I could implement -- I've ALWAYS made it a point to respond to phone calls, text messages, emails, etc. in a VERY timely manner. Always. No matter who it is. If I don't respond at all it will definitely pique her interest I would think because it would be completely out of the norm for me. I've always deemed it considerate to respond immediately to any of the above because I like when the same is afforded to me. Like I said, no response would be a complete 180 from my behavior in the past. Not just with W but with anyone at work, friends, etc.
Separate how you should behave in business dealings with how you should behave with your WW.
When she texts something informational....no need to ever respond. When she texts a question.....take your time, no need to answer right away. Then answer in as few word as possible. You are a lawyer so think about how you would want a witness to answer your questions. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
By all means leave her text hanging.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That's another 180 that I suppose I could implement -- I've ALWAYS made it a point to respond to phone calls, text messages, emails, etc. in a VERY timely manner. Always. No matter who it is. If I don't respond at all it will definitely pique her interest I would think because it would be completely out of the norm for me.
W,
I get the feeling that everything you do in regards to your sitch is to get a reaction from her. Why do you feel the need to pique her interest?
Is it: W: Whats wrong you didn't respond to my text? Y: You know what's wrong. W: No I don't what's wrong? Y: You know you're texted my buddy (gotcha)
You 180 bad behaviors you have to improve yourself for you. Responding to people in a timely manner is not a bad behavior.
