Ah ok. Well I can relate. Neither of us left the marital bed through my sitch. I don't know if others who didn't have that dynamic can relate. It is HARD not to initiate affection in that case. But I can tell you from experience that the less you do, the more she will. My W was the one that started kissing good night again. We had a SSM prior to our sitch, much of that was due to her not getting her emotional needs met, and my NGS tendencies. Pull back on all forms of initiating physical affection and you may see her start to initiate.
Also, once your sitch is ready for it, look up talk and touch charges. I wouldn't institute them now, but once you start to see her soften some I think they can work wonders in reconnecting. Again, don't start them now. But be prepared to institute them at the appropriate time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Cadet—Ok, will do my best. I started this morning by not giving a kiss goodbye (while she’s sleeping). And I’ll look to do the same tonight. And from there on out.
I’m pretty sure that before things hit the fan, we had something of an SSM, although I bet it had more to do with me being exhausted at end of the day (teacher), and periodic abstinence required by NFP (during fertile periods).
I’ll start to pull back on physical affection, and we’ll hope for the best. Thanks.
Thanks, Cadet. I know that things seem quite hopeful (at least for now), as compared to many of the other threads I see on here. I know that and am grateful.
I just can’t help but wait for the other shoe to drop (‘I’m leaving,’ or ‘Get out,’ or ‘This isn’t working’ or whatever). I’m afraid, but I’m not, if that makes sense. Worst-case scenario doesn’t scare me as much as it did back in February, and while I’m hopeful, it just feels pretty dark all the same.
Still not sure about what to do / say for our upcoming anniversary in a couple of weeks.
What I do know, though, is that there is a Christmas craft table at work today, so both S are getting ornaments for our tree. /purchased
Following up on your point about letting her do her own laundry, I came home today and, as I was going to place something of youngest S in the dryer, I found her laundry. Looks like she was doing her own. But then I placed it on her side of the bed for her to fold and put away.
I’m sure I’ll probably come across as a bit needy here (but better than being that in front of the W), but:
What do I do with the following emotions:
*There’s just something about me that doesn’t trust the W. I know I should detach, but man....
*I know she hit me with the ILYBINILWY bomb back in Feb., but since our talk back in Oct. I’m finding myself less and less charmed by her—and honestly, less and less in love with her, too. I still want to work on self with hope of better MR long-term, but I’m finding her emotional distance and lack of affection bothersome. She calls me more and more by first name instead of by a term of affection—that probably shouldn’t bother me as much, but it does.
I guess this just means I need to detach more and GAL more?
Today was detaching more intentionally—not much conversation with the W.
After I put YS down in pack-and-play after walking him to sleep, I say goodnight to W, and come in kinda close (but not too close) to do so and that she could hear me. She leans towards me and positioned her head again like she was expecting me to give her a goodnight kiss, and I heard her say something, so I did it again thinking she said ‘what’ because she couldn’t hear me. She again leaned towards me, and positioned her head again like she was expecting me to give her a goodnight kiss.
As last night, only one in that room getting a goodnight kiss is YS.
(Promise I won’t do nightly updates, but just an interesting development.)
