My fear is that your hopes are too high W1. Retrouvaille is like any other marriage bootcamp type thing. The LBS goes in thinking "so you're saying there is a chance!". The WAS goes in thinking "cool, another checkbox we can check of the things we tried to saved things". So please make sure, if you guys end up going, to not attach too much hope to it. If Retrouvaille were the magic bullet for saving sitches we'd be suggesting to all newbies to get their WAS there at all costs!
It isn't. So we don't.
Yes, I get that. My hopes really aren't that high. I would consider it a miracle if one weekend turned things around. From what I've read the 6 follow up sessions are just as important. I think if she is conscientious and deliberate in doing those with me, that bides us some time and space as well. We would have to do those online since we would be traveling 6 hours one way to go this weekend. Can't really afford to do that 6 more weekends and from what's researched, they offer those follow ups online now to do on your own.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not hopeful that I'm going to see a turnaround on Sunday night after it concludes, but with the follow ups over the course of the next 6 weeks, and if I'm diligent in continue to detach in a loving way, maybe over time she will warm up to the idea of R.
I don't think my hopes are too high. I think I need to have a little bit of faith and try to trust the process, however. I've always figured that if this doesn't help matters than maybe 'the writing is on the wall.'
Originally Posted by Steve85
If your sitch goes like most sitches, you will either R....or you will be the one that ends up filing.
WASs are notoriously lazy at doing the actual work on the D.
Right now, I'm pretty confident I'm not going to file. However, I'll reserve the right to change my mind down the road. At this time, I'm pretty adamant about not doing so. I've told her that if this is what she wants, she is going to have to be the one to do it. I don't have a crystal ball so I can't say that something doesn't change my mind moving forward however.
Maybe it will boil down to how long I can continue doing what we are doing right now. She has it pretty good right now based on what she wants. Really no M responsibilities but all of the advantages of continuing to live in the MH with our kids and the ability to see them everyday. Pretty much cake eating. I've never been a real patient person as I'm sure you can gather from following my sitch! At some point I will get fed up with it and maybe the only way to move forward is me filing.....I know I'm not going to continue in this limbo pattern for an extended period of time.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
She just text me now that she has come to the resolve that the chance for R for her is not there anymore. She feels she knows where her heart is at. She said she would go to better our communication as parents.
She also informed me that her plan this weekend while I was gone was to start moving things to an apartment.
I'm at a loss of what I should do now. I don't really feel like going anymore.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Don’t go Wanted. Let her go and work on yourself. This is just another step she has to take. She is running from you because she knows you are still attached and that = pressure. Detach for you so that you will be okay even if she never comes back. It hurts and it’s not fair and all of those things... but you can only change you, not her. Stop trying. Let go of the rope so that you will be okay regardless of whether or not you D. (((HUGS)))
She just text me now that she has come to the resolve that the chance for R for her is not there anymore. She feels she knows where her heart is at. She said she would go to better our communication as parents.
Unfortunately very predictable.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
She also informed me that her plan this weekend while I was gone was to start moving things to an apartment.
This IMO is good. Remember time and space are the only things that turn these sitches around long-term.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
I'm at a loss of what I should do now. I don't really feel like going anymore.
As I originally thought, you did have expectations.
She just text me now that she has come to the resolve that the chance for R for her is not there anymore. She feels she knows where her heart is at. She said she would go to better our communication as parents.
Unfortunately very predictable.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
She also informed me that her plan this weekend while I was gone was to start moving things to an apartment.
This IMO is good. Remember time and space are the only things that turn these sitches around long-term.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
I'm at a loss of what I should do now. I don't really feel like going anymore.
As I originally thought, you did have expectations.
Well, I did have some slight expectations even though they were very low. I feel like by explaining to her that I don't want to go anymore will show her that I'm starting the process of dropping the rope, no pressure and letting her go.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
She just text me now that she has come to the resolve that the chance for R for her is not there anymore.
She said WHAT???? Oh my gosh! I've only heard that about ten bazillion times on these forums! Like, every single person who's posted here has heard that, most have heard it multiple times, even those that later reconciled. WAS's always always always speak in absolutes. But that's only how she feels at this moment, it could change in a year or a month or a day or even in 5 minutes.
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She said she would go to better our communication as parents.
I really don't think it'll have much value to you as a couple because it's not about parental communications, it's geared towards saving troubled marriages.
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She also informed me that her plan this weekend while I was gone was to start moving things to an apartment.
I agree with LH, separation hurts at first but will really help with your detachment once you get used to your "new normal". It will also eventually help her to learn to miss you.
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I'm at a loss of what I should do now. I don't really feel like going anymore.
You might tell her you've been doing some research and that since it's geared towards couples you think it would be inappropriate to go right now and ask her what she thinks (I still think it should in the end be her decision whether you go or not). In my case it was my ex that wanted to go, and she indicated that she was open to saving the M. As it turns out she really wasn't, but I was taking her words at face value. Still, as I said before I'm glad I went and I learned a lot even though it didn't change my sitch.
To AS's first point. My W stated dozens of times during the first few weeks of our sitch that there was no chance at R, Though she did often caveat with "but my feelings could change later".
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No expectations: "She just texted me that she has come to the resolve that the chance for R for her is not there anymore. LOL! Man these WAS's and their crazy talk. I responded by going to work out and then took my son shopping for a new jacket, his old one was looking pretty worn. Oh and I set a new PR in bench press!"
Expectations: "She just texted me that she has come to the resolve that the chance for R for her is not there anymore. And here I really thought things were turning around. Well I guess that's it, I'm going to sit at home waiting for the D papers to arrive and I might as well write my will while I'm at it because my life is officially over."
Be the former, not the latter.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
I feel like by explaining to her that I don't want to go anymore will show her that I'm starting the process of dropping the rope, no pressure and letting her go.
See those are expectations too. You have GOT to drop all these expectations you have! "I'm going to do X expecting it to have Y impact on her." EXPECTATIONS. You have written for 2 pages now that you have no expectations, but then you post them over and over again. DROP THEM! When you drop the rope you will not give a flying crapola what she thinks about it. That's the whole point of dropping the rope.
That´s why "believe nothing that they say" is an useful wild card. Apply it here. You keep working on yourself W1. Go dark, detach, be there for the children. Be strong man. Get your respect back.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
