Wanted, Go grab your stocking and hang it on the fireplace. I would say hang W's as well. I'm not saying do this for a reaction from W, do this for yourself. I'm assuming you still plan on celebrating Christmas, it would appear the stockings are part of your typical Christmas as they are mine and many others on here, so go hang them. You are right, things will never be the same with e relationship but that doesn't need to apply to the rest of your life.
Good job on not taking the bait "Yum, I was thinking of eating there." So clearly she was wanting you to invite her there. Good job on not talking to her when you FT the kids. Also not responding when you sent pics (though the sending of the pics was in the bad category). Well done on the having fun, reaching out to others and being yourself.
Now the bad:
Sending the pics. Say what you want but that was you trying to get her to respond or at a minimum see you were having a good time. Unnecessary. You could have easily shown the kids your pics yourself when you got home. Bad, noticing the stockings. This shows you still have expectations and you are still microfocusing on what she does. Bad that you left a book for her. Even if she took it. Buy books for you. Leave her to buy books for herself. (Note, this is one I broke myself so I know it is bad. Pressure and pursuit, even if you didn't TELL her it was for her.)
Remember, W, it is hard to take steps forward. All of the good things above were baby steps. While the bad are giant leaps backwards. This is why sandi says to be diligent on your changes and not revert.
Finally, I like the plan moving forward. Doing nothing is the best something that you can do!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W, I going to make some assumptions here so bare with me and let me know if I am right. From what you have told us your W is very attractive. That is also backed by the fact that 2 of your sold called loser friends have ruined friendships over her so I am guessing she is not chopped liver. Since like typically attracts like I am guessing you that you are also an attractive man. I also now know you are a lawyer. Having said that, if you put in the hard work this next year being a great dad, in self improvement, and the gym there will plenty of opportunities for you out there in the dating world.
This takes time. I am 4 years from bomb and am finally starting to reap the rewards of the hard work I put in. Take your time, there is no rush here. If you do not put the work I can guarantee you will be back here in 5 years.
I'm very hesitant to consider myself an attractive man. My W has told me I'm handsome, even after BD, but I question whether that's just lip service or what. "Believe nothing that they say!" I never had a problem getting girls in college, either. I think my confidence is shot (being cheated on 3 times tends to do that, after all I am human!) and I've sort of always been self-conscious about some of my features. One being my weight which I've been working on these past 2 months. I've lost roughly 30 lbs since BD on September 19th. Sort of plateaued now over the past 2 weeks and still have some more to go before I would be satisfied.
I've been following the alpha male thread. I need to start working towards regaining some of those traits. I think I had them in college and before I was M. If I'm not truly "handsome," maybe it was my self confidence that scored me attraction from girls in college and ultimately my drop-dead gorgeous W. I think there is some truth to the fact that women don't put as much emphasis on looks as men do and maybe my past self is an example of that. Confidence and self-assuredness are things that I can control and change and I aim to do just that.
Did you say you are in IC? You need to discuss self confidence, and self-assuredness and self-esteem with an IC. Even if you are butt ugly, that doesn't mean that you are without value. Don't ever sell yourself short for shortcomings. We all have them. Succeed despite them.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
if you are an attractive, successful man, there will be a line of women for you to choose from. It only takes one moment, one night for you to get out there, talk to some women to realize "Holy cow, I forgot that women find me attractive. Beautiful women are out there and looking". It happened to me back in August and I was almost beaming after that night.
There are also beautiful women of good character to choose from as well. Your life will improve, one way or the other, as soon as you decide you want it to.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
there will be a line of women for you to choose from. It only takes one moment, one night for you to get out there, talk to some women to realize "Holy cow, I forgot that women find me attractive. Beautiful women are out there and looking". It happened to me back in August and I was almost beaming after that night.
There are also beautiful women of good character to choose from as well. Your life will improve, one way or the other, as soon as you decide you want it to.
Please provide GPS coordinates where these ladies can be found. And do they come individually wrapped or only in bulk?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Sending the pics. Say what you want but that was you trying to get her to respond or at a minimum see you were having a good time. Unnecessary. You could have easily shown the kids your pics yourself when you got home. Bad, noticing the stockings. This shows you still have expectations and you are still microfocusing on what she does. Bad that you left a book for her. Even if she took it. Buy books for you. Leave her to buy books for herself. (Note, this is one I broke myself so I know it is bad. Pressure and pursuit, even if you didn't TELL her it was for her.)
I get what you are saying. However, just for clarification purposes, my two girls have taken an interest when "my team" is on and I'm watching them. There was a 'Dress as your favorite sports figure' day at school a few weeks back so I ordered them T-Shirts with the numbers and name on the back of two players on my team. They were so excited and it made me so happy watching them get excited. So, now when I watch games, they are always looking for the players who's t-shirts each of them have. I told them before I left that I would get pictures of "their players." So, while I totally understand what you are saying, there wasn't any intent on my part to get a reaction from her. However, in hindsight I probably should have just waited until I got home to share the pics with them.
Regarding the books -- again, I absolutely understand what you are saying. Those books have been on my dresser in the MBR that she hardly ever sets foot in anymore. Yes, they were out in the open, but that's mainly because I do all of my reading at night in bed. I think back when I ordered them and I was in the pressure/pursuit mode big time, I told her that I got these books and she's welcome to read them if she wanted. She has said things in the past about being "unable to forgive herself." So when I ordered the Radical Forgiveness book for myself I saw the Radical Self-Forgiveness one when I was checking out and added it to my order. I'm not going to lie, I have no intention of reading that book. I don't think there is anything I can't forgive myself for. I own my mistakes in my marriage and I can forgive myself for them because in all reality, my shortcomings are pretty common and now that I know them, easily correctable. The typical shortcomings that are most prevalent among men and communication. When I ordered the books I was more concerned about forgiving her in a healthy and honest way for the A's if we ended up R. If/When we D, I'm not sure I'm interested in reading the other book at this time either. Maybe down the road. Right now I'm still struggling, heavily, with her idea of just walking away, destroying my kids' only sense of family and having no desire at all to try to fix our M. Again, I don't think my shortcomings are at a level where D should be Option A without trying to fix our issues first. But, I've not come to terms with the fact that that isn't for me to decide or can control. Still mind boggling to say the least.
Speaking of the MBR. I find this odd, but when I've been gone, I've told my W that she's more than welcome to stay in our room since it's the only other bedroom upstairs beside my kids'. They are little and still sometimes get up in the middle of the night looking for Mom or Dad. She has still chosen to sleep on the couch. Kind of confusing, to me, but whatever. She can do what she wants. So, last night D7 told me that her and D5 slept in our bed the night before. She said that she told Mommy to sleep with them but Mommy said no and slept on the couch. Maybe one of the other prior WW that are on here can speak to this mindset, but I don't really understand it? I'm not in the house at all, why wouldn't you want to sleep in the bed instead of on the couch?
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Did you say you are in IC? You need to discuss self confidence, and self-assuredness and self-esteem with an IC. Even if you are butt ugly, that doesn't mean that you are without value. Don't ever sell yourself short for shortcomings. We all have them. Succeed despite them.
I am. Good idea, Steve. I'll bring that up at my next session. I think I can research and read online too to help with it as well since I'm of the belief that you can never have too much information. That belief has burned me these past couple months with snooping though, haha!
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Maybe one of the other prior WW that are on here can speak to this mindset, but I don't really understand it? I'm not in the house at all, why wouldn't you want to sleep in the bed instead of on the couch?
Major cheesless tunnel not worth the 15 seconds it took you to write it.
Sending the pics. Say what you want but that was you trying to get her to respond or at a minimum see you were having a good time. Unnecessary. You could have easily shown the kids your pics yourself when you got home. Bad, noticing the stockings. This shows you still have expectations and you are still microfocusing on what she does. Bad that you left a book for her. Even if she took it. Buy books for you. Leave her to buy books for herself. (Note, this is one I broke myself so I know it is bad. Pressure and pursuit, even if you didn't TELL her it was for her.)
I get what you are saying. However, just for clarification purposes, my two girls have taken an interest when "my team" is on and I'm watching them. There was a 'Dress as your favorite sports figure' day at school a few weeks back so I ordered them T-Shirts with the numbers and name on the back of two players on my team. They were so excited and it made me so happy watching them get excited. So, now when I watch games, they are always looking for the players who's t-shirts each of them have. I told them before I left that I would get pictures of "their players." So, while I totally understand what you are saying, there wasn't any intent on my part to get a reaction from her. However, in hindsight I probably should have just waited until I got home to share the pics with them.
Regarding the books -- again, I absolutely understand what you are saying. Those books have been on my dresser in the MBR that she hardly ever sets foot in anymore. Yes, they were out in the open, but that's mainly because I do all of my reading at night in bed. I think back when I ordered them and I was in the pressure/pursuit mode big time, I told her that I got these books and she's welcome to read them if she wanted. She has said things in the past about being "unable to forgive herself." So when I ordered the Radical Forgiveness book for myself I saw the Radical Self-Forgiveness one when I was checking out and added it to my order. I'm not going to lie, I have no intention of reading that book. I don't think there is anything I can't forgive myself for. I own my mistakes in my marriage and I can forgive myself for them because in all reality, my shortcomings are pretty common and now that I know them, easily correctable. The typical shortcomings that are most prevalent among men and communication. When I ordered the books I was more concerned about forgiving her in a healthy and honest way for the A's if we ended up R. If/When we D, I'm not sure I'm interested in reading the other book at this time either. Maybe down the road. Right now I'm still struggling, heavily, with her idea of just walking away, destroying my kids' only sense of family and having no desire at all to try to fix our M. Again, I don't think my shortcomings are at a level where D should be Option A without trying to fix our issues first. But, I've not come to terms with the fact that that isn't for me to decide or can control. Still mind boggling to say the least.
Speaking of the MBR. I find this odd, but when I've been gone, I've told my W that she's more than welcome to stay in our room since it's the only other bedroom upstairs beside my kids'. They are little and still sometimes get up in the middle of the night looking for Mom or Dad. She has still chosen to sleep on the couch. Kind of confusing, to me, but whatever. She can do what she wants. So, last night D7 told me that her and D5 slept in our bed the night before. She said that she told Mommy to sleep with them but Mommy said no and slept on the couch. Maybe one of the other prior WW that are on here can speak to this mindset, but I don't really understand it? I'm not in the house at all, why wouldn't you want to sleep in the bed instead of on the couch?
You know your intentions better than I do. However, if I perceived things this way....then likely she did too. Just a thought.
On the not sleeping in the bed, my guess is that would be a step back towards the MR even without you in the bed. And she is not ready to take that step yet.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
if you are an attractive, successful man, there will be a line of women for you to choose from. It only takes one moment, one night for you to get out there, talk to some women to realize "Holy cow, I forgot that women find me attractive. Beautiful women are out there and looking". It happened to me back in August and I was almost beaming after that night.
There are also beautiful women of good character to choose from as well. Your life will improve, one way or the other, as soon as you decide you want it to.
Even though I know my sitch is different in some respects from others here, I need to keep all this in mind.
For me, it’s also working on confidence. I realize that when things were really amazing in life, I had tons of confidence (or the other way around), and that was when I was the most attractive to women. I also remember that for most of my life pre-W, there was usually a young lady who was into me, or I had the opportunity (but often I didn’t have the confidence or self-awareness to cash it in). What I would tell younger Bo is that there are plenty of awesome, amazing, attractive women out there, and if this one doesn’t work out, another will come in time.
The good news for me is that at present I work in a female-dominated field (but W works in a primarily male-dominated field so yeah :-/ ). What I should do is work on having confidence in talking with the women in my field—say “Hi X..., how are you” to the lovelies I work with but not be a creeper about it. But I also know that there are plenty of really great young women out there in case W decides she really wants S / D.
