I’m finding myself less and less charmed by her—and honestly, less and less in love with her, too. I still want to work on self with hope of better MR long-term, but I’m finding her emotional distance and lack of affection bothersome.
This has been strong feeling for me also recently. Sometimes I wonder if I feel ANYTHING for H. Not sadness, pity, or love. But I want our M to work. I really do. I think this is the cause of GAL. It forces us to find ourselves, and our happiness is not attached to our spouse any more. It comes from within. I scares me a bit, though, as I worry it means we will never be able to R now.
Hi Bo and yes detach more. Don’t get triggered, and I’m no expert but I would think that when feelings are no longer reciprocated, resentment starts to kick in. It Is normal to feel this way. You can gal or detach but if you have questions like that post them here. I think it’s good to have conversations about these emotions to understand them, that they’re normal and it’s okay to feel them. Some would also say you’ve reached a turning point when you no longer see things through rose colored glasses, you see them for what they are, and it can be a time for change. You’re starting to make those changes.
At first it was hard for me to hear my W calling me by my first name so I called her by hers. She quickly changed it to something else like daddy so I call her momma but I would still use her name too, whichever rolls off the tongue at the time.
Post any time you feel like it. Wouldn’t be surprised to see people being up late here, posting to decompress, so share in.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
It forces us to find ourselves, and our happiness is not attached to our spouse any more. It comes from within. I scares me a bit, though, as I worry it means we will never be able to R now.
I’m seeing a few similar comments today, maybe because I’m on the lookout for them, maybe because I’m starting to feel it myself. But I do think, if the received wisdom around here is worth it’s salt, that this moment represents a turning point. It’s the point at which we feel furthest away from our spouse and have the least amount of hope for R. And yet it sounds like this is a point we have to reach, after which the potential for R becomes greater, not smaller.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I think "worry is a poor choice of words as I re-read what I wrote. I don't feel I'm "worrying", but just maybe recognizing this as a real possibility. I agree it's a turning point. To what remains to be seen.
*There’s just something about me that doesn’t trust the W. I know I should detach, but man....
When you get BD'd then quite often the WAS begins to treat things like you are already D'd. So if she is messing around, to the LBS that is cheating but to the WAS it's not. So if you're referring to that then no, you absolutely cannot trust her to remain faithful. But it doesn't matter because she no longer cares about your trust and doesn't feel obligated to honor it.
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*I know she hit me with the ILYBINILWY bomb back in Feb., but since our talk back in Oct. I’m finding myself less and less charmed by her—and honestly, less and less in love with her, too. I still want to work on self with hope of better MR long-term, but I’m finding her emotional distance and lack of affection bothersome. She calls me more and more by first name instead of by a term of affection—that probably shouldn’t bother me as much, but it does.
So what I'm hearing is "I am detached but I'm not detached." IE, you're not charmed by her (detached) but she doesn't call you sweetie and that upsets you (not detached). Here's the long and short of it- you're not detached. And that's OK, detachment takes time. But don't try to convince yourself you're detached when you're not, that will just cause you some emotional problems.
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I guess this just means I need to detach more and GAL more?
Yes. Detachment isn't a switch you flip, it's more like a rheostat that you slowly turn up. Keep turning
Grace—I do feel sadness and love toward the W, and want the MR to work. Just not pity—I didn’t exactly break her, and I definitely can’t put her back together again.
We do call each other Mommy and Daddy, but she usually does that towards me around our kids. I’ve often thought about calling her by her first name more (W: ‘Hey X, can you _____.’ Me: ‘Sure, Y.’)
I shouldn’t get triggered or hooked (like I tell my students, don’t feed the trolls in your life).
Appreciate the affirmations about posting anytime. I often elsewhere see comments about ‘hey if you need to vent, then vent,’ so I’m doing that. Better to work it out here than in front of her. I’m a teacher and am often up late grading. Besides, it’s not like W wants a lot from me late at night, anyway.
burned—Thanks for the mental imagery about detachment being a thermostat, not a switch.
I also realize I shouldn’t get so bothered by her detaching—because what exactly is she showing towards me right now? Not much. Very little physical or emotional affection. Doesn’t want physical intimacy for whatever reason.
Sorry, AS—gave someone else credit for the thermostat metaphor, not you. My bad.
Mentioned before that she’s said that there is no OM, but I can’t help but wonder.
I struggle with: Is there OM? Is she making plans to get out and I just don’t know? Is she being truthful when she tells me not to take lack of sex personally because she’s tired / needs physical and emotional space from the kiddos?
Thanks for the affirmation that detachment takes time. Will continue to get there.
The thing I wonder about is: what do you get as an anniversary gift for a woman who has twice told you she isn’t sure she even wants to be married to you? Lol.
