Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (6)

[Ready2Change]

Link

It's not about "Giving her help". That is NOT why you are doing it.

It's because you are contributing where you have responsibility. Its about who YOU are as a person....not what it means to her or for her.

[Ready2Change]

LInk

In my opinion the one thing different in all of our sitches is the spouse on the other end. Some are posers and as soon as the LBS puts their foot down, kicks them out of the house, etc. that loss is enough to snap them out of it. Others have their minds completely made up and are gone 100%. From what I have seen on this board most fall into the second category of being gone 100%.

With that said, again in my opinion, one day.....many years down the road the WW will wake up, look up, and say WTF did I do???? By that time you will have moved on, more than likely have experienced other women, etc. If she wakes up and you are not in a relationship and the stars are aligned then you could have a shot. If she wakes up and you have moved on to another happy, healthy relationship then you will have no desire (like AS).

At this juncture you are still so focused on R with your XW that you forget that YOU also have a choice. You don't see it now but you eventually will. You will see that there are other amazing women out there that will appreciate you and love you for who you are and what you bring to the table (they will all want to have sex with you as well!!). The longer you dwell on your W, the longer you delay focusing on yourself, the longer your recovery time will be. I understand it is very hard to let go, use your time wisely, make the best of it.

My XW moved out 3 weeks after BD and I immediately got to work. Hard as hell it was but I am now reaping the benefits. I am a 100% whole person (financially, emotionally, and physically) and I do not need anything from anyone else to enjoy a happy, fulfilling, wonderful life.

[Ready2Change]

Link

I know the OM stings but I would try really hard to not get too wrapped up with him. To me I saw it as a sign of weakness on my XW's part. She ended a 17 yr relationship with me and went "as is" from one R to another and never took time for herself to heal or grow as a person. Hard to see now but eventually it will catch up with her. Just know that anyone outside of you at the moment will be attractive to your W. Also know that generally the OM relationships don't last, many times it just makes it easier for them to leave.

That is why you turn yourself into a fuching A$$ kicking machine so when she does look up one day your a GOD DAM WARRIOR not some fing d-bag rocking back and forth in the corner sucking his thumb. Get in the gym and lift a ton of fuching weights so she will look at you with respect and think to herself.."man he has got it going on, I think I want to get a piece of that".

Do this in all areas: Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Financial, Emotional and any other areas of personal growth.

[Ready2Change]

Link

Wasn't she just as determined when she took wedding vows with you? She changes her mind once, she can do so again. The key is to let her go. Stop trying to fix things and her. Save yourself, not the marriage.

[Ready2Change]

Link

Reflection:

What I think is working in my sitch...

Please be warned that by no means am I an expert at DB. I am almost 3 months into my sitch this time around.

* The positive changes that I’m making in myself. Also being consistent with those changes. In the past I made changes but wasn’t consistent. Some of the changes are things that my H complained about. And you know what? My change has inspired a few changes in him. Example: one thing he complained about is the kitchen not getting cleaned up before we go to bed. I’ve made sure for the last 2 months (since he brought it up) that the kitchen is spotless before we go to bed. At first it started out with me just cleaning the kitchen. Now, he comes in and helps me each night.

* GAL - H and I normally spend weekends together (doing nothing but together) he’s been shocked to see me getting all dressed up and GAL without him. I shall continue with this. I’ve made a list of things I want to do and I’m checking them off.

* That brings me to looking good. I’ve been making sure I get up everyday and I make myself look beautiful. In all honesty, I had totally let myself go. I felt frumpy and it showed. Now I get up put on nice clothes, makeup, fix my hair and walk around with confidence. When my husband met me I was confident and took very good care of myself. I’m getting back to that person and it feels good.

*I’ve started to loose weight H never complained about that but the extra weight affected my confidence. I also didn’t feel sexy and that affected our sex life. So I’ve started to loose weight so I can feel better about myself and to get healthier. After all, I’m not getting any younger. I’ve lost 15 pounds so far and it feels great. My plan is to start working out, I’m just trying to fit ghat into my crazy schedule.

* At night I always put on something cute and feminine. No more old oversized raggedy t-shirts. No more of my H shorts. This has made him notice me but it’s also boosted my confidence. I feel sexy and I love it. Now I’m not taking over the top lingerie. No just feminine pajamas.

* When I’ve noticed that my H is watching me like a hawk, I will do little things to make him watch me even more. These things are subtle but they definitely get his attention.

* I have detached from him. This seems to be one of the things that has scared him. It’s showing him what a life without me will look like. Unfortunately for my H he still lives at home, so me detaching from him is even harder. He has to watch me walk around (looking good) and know that I’m not fooling with him.

* I put him and all of his things out of our MBR. He’s totally moved into our daughters bedroom (she’s away at college). He never in a million years thought he would come home to find all of his things laying on her bed. That’s where he’s been sleeping and will continue to sleep until he gets it together or moves out. Again, this is showing him what life will be like without me. Each night he begs to come sleep with me and I decline.

* When he comes to talk with me about our sitch, I just listen and let him talk. It helps because I really want to hear what he’s saying. I also want him to feel comfortable talking with me.

* I haven’t said the words “I love you” in probably 2 months.

* I’m showing him a self-confident woman who will survive with or without him.

That’s it, that’s what I think is working. Again I’m no expert and if you look at my thread you’ll see that. I have good days and bad days. This has been one of the toughest challenges of my life. I love my H with all my heart. I truly hope things work out for us but if they don’t, I must go on with life.

One of the best things that has happened is me finding this forum. Everyone that has commented on my threads has truly helped me. I’m not sure where I would be if I hadn’t found this forum. I probably would have begged my H and continued to make myself look like a fool. I probably also would have totally chased him away. This forum has been a Godsend. It’s given me the tools to navigate this uncharted terrain that is know as my marriage.

[Phoenix9]

link

Choose to be positive and happy.

[Ready2Change]

Link

How would your actions today change if I told you W was 100% coming back? 0% coming back? somewhere in the middle?

If she were 100% coming back I could spend my time doing the things I used to do, which I enjoyed tremendously. If she were 0% coming back I could spend time finding someone to replace her, someone to build a life with, someone who appreciates the essentially decent and likable person I used to be.

I’m having trouble understanding this.
Why aren’t these the same answer?
Why does your immediate plan depend on her?

And...what if I told you that your actions now IMPACT those percentages...in other words, you can’t know whether it’s at 0 or 100 or somewhere in the middle. So how can you prepare a plan for YOU not based on her?

[Ready2Change]

Link

Your happiness does not depend on another person - be it your wife or her 'replacement'. Your happiness depends on you. Do the things you enjoy because you enjoy them. Read a book in the park (if weather permits) or (if weather doesn't permit) find a nice cozy pub and read your book there over a pint. Go out and meet new people - not with the idea that they could replace your wife, but just for the sheer joy of getting to know new people. One day at a time. Live in the present. The happiness will come. Just do it. No matter how hard it is, get your sorry @rse out of the chair, step away from the computer and go out and get some ice-cream (or a fish fingers and a sprite).

[Phoenix9]

Link

I know the OM stings but I would try really hard to not get too wrapped up with him. To me I saw it as a sign of weakness on my XW's part. She ended a 17 yr relationship with me and went "as is" from one R to another and never took time for herself to heal or grow as a person. Hard to see now but eventually it will catch up with her. Just know that anyone outside of you at the moment will be attractive to your W. Also know that generally the OM relationships don't last, many times it just makes it easier for them to leave.

That is why you turn yourself into a fuching A$$ kicking machine so when she does look up one day your a GOD DAM WARRIOR not some fing d-bag rocking back and forth in the corner sucking his thumb. Get in the gym and lift a ton of fuching weights so she will look at you with respect and think to herself.."man he has got it going on, I think I want to get a piece of that".

Do this in all areas: Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Financial, Emotional and any other areas of personal growth.

I live this mindset now. It is helping me tremendously. I see and feel the changes. I see and feel more attractive. More confident. More MAN.

[Ready2Change]

Link

Is this a forum for saving the marriage or a subtle way to let us down easy?

It is about saving yourself, becoming the best person you can be, and saving your S. are there any guarantees or 100% M are saved? Nobody, no program, book or forum can give you that kind of guarantee.

Every person's situation is a little different from someone else. When reading another poster's thread, be careful in taking the advice he may get for his situation and think it is over all advice for every one, unless it's clarified.

While you wait on your book, read those links Cadet gave you. They are important to grasping a lot of what we talk about here.

One of those links is called, "Sandi's Rules". It is a guide to help newcomers get their bearings when they first arrive.

Be sure to read the detachment thread. Don't assume you know what it means.

Right this minute, stop all pursuing action! It only pushes her away. Stop being available to her. Stop initiating contact throughout the day. Pull back, but not with a cold or mad attitude. Know the difference in DBing detachment from cold/angry.

At this point, instead of trying to prove what a good MR you could have, maybe she needs a glimpse of how it would feel if she didn't have you in her life. No hanging out together, no contacting to chat, no being her BFF, no family togetherness, holiday events, etc. Here's where I'm going. Instead of trying to convince her to stay, you need to become the guy she doesn't want to lose. You can't be that guy if you are chasing her, right? As long as you pursue her, she knows she has you in her pocket.

I'm not saying to make her jealous, or anything like that. I am saying to find the man you would be if you didn't have her. Focus on inner strength. Be the best daddy you can be. Be the best man you can be. But don't try to win her back by showing her what a great H you can be......(at least, not at this particular tim). She really does need space, and a lot of it. So, give it to her. You do your own thing and leave her alone. Right now, she isn't worried about losing you. You are worried about losing her. How can that dynamic change? Not by you dating, or trying to purposely make her jealous, but by detaching and getting a life. You can learn more about GAL, what it is and what it isn't.

Give yourself a deep evaluation as a man, H, and daddy. See where you need to improve. Set some small goals to get there. Oh, and remember something, some things you'll read in some relationship books may not be something you can apply immediately, but you can take in the information to use latter when the time is right. Timing is everything!