Try and look at your W with (detached) kindness. There is a good woman under there too - just maybe, for now, not the woman for you.
I know there is, FS. I see pieces of her, but I do not see the same person that I fell in love with. I am very guarded against her. Whether or not she comes back...that's not my thing to control.
OK, I like it so far. Keep in mind that one other option, rather than doing the assignment (which I sort of made up as I was writing it) is: you could have told me that I was being hurtful, disrespectful, and that I should go pee on a power line. Once you're confident in yourself, you'll be able to say that to buttheads like me, without really caring what they think, and it will make #1-3 and 5 from List 2 become far less powerful over your feelings and actions.
To List 1, I would add: you are a person willing to go to great lengths to improve yourself. That is a very, very important skill.
Item 4 from List 2 is your weakest link. Target all of your efforts there. Next thing you know, Assignment 4 will become superfluous, because they will still love you and you will love yourself and your actions will just be a byproduct of that connection, not an attempt to make or reinforce the connection.
Major damage control here. I am NOT an NGS coach or anything. I'm trying to get something good out of this, for you.
One thing I should add about anger: I have always been a very angry person. I've spent a lifetime learning how to control it. The harder I try, the more it gets the best of me. I totally know where you're coming from. And I also think that part of what factors into NGS is our own personal fear (perhaps based on past experience) that if we let out ALL of the anger at someone, it will cause an irreparable rift. So it's a double penalty. We fear what will happen if we express the anger. So we hold it in. And then at some point something happens and it all comes out. Then the cycle begins anew. So I think that healthy expression of anger is pretty important for us.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
OK, I like it so far. Keep in mind that one other option, rather than doing the assignment (which I sort of made up as I was writing it) is: you could have told me that I was being hurtful, disrespectful, and that I should go pee on a power line.
You weren't being disrespectful.
NGS, amigo. If you're going to swing, especially when we're expected to receive blunt feedback, don't hold yourself back. It's up to the recipient on how they handle it. If they don't like it, if I did not like it, you will be told.
I have the list I created earlier and I am working it. I'm proud of the progress I made the last four months and hoping the growth continues. I am feeling stronger. I know I am getting stronger. It is painful, and I will continue to express the pain through various outlets, this place included.
Kept it quiet between W and I all morning. Thought I would check up on her but we're not together and I figured I would get a call if she was not feeling great.
I got a call while I was on my lunch break from W's mom asking if I was picking her up in the city today. I said "no. I already told you and W that I had other plans." Her mom then went into a crying rant about how she will ask W to pick her up and how W has changed and she wants to see D4 and so on. I just listened and validated ("I understand that you feel she has changed and it has upset you." ). Five minutes after I hung up, I get a call from W. She tells me that W's mom just laid into W about me not picking her up and upset that no one can pick her up to take her to see D4 at our house. I listened. W then asked me why I was upset with her. I said I was not upset and told her that I had tentative evening plans with D4 and will not change them. I was calm and firm. W then broke down and asked me why I was yelling and talking down to her. I stopped her and said I am not doing no such thing. W then told me that she things I have feelings because of the way I have been acting. She told me that I just "threw a blanket and food at her like I was mad at her." I disagreed and said I did not think I was acting angrily, but I validated by telling her I see how me tossing stuff like that would make it seem that way. I said that I will be more conscientious of my actions like that going forward. She said she was sorry she could not "listen to my feelings but she has been sick all week", and so on. I told again, that everything was fine. I ended the call by asking if we were good. She said "no, but I'll be ok." I told her to get some rest and hung up.
Three hours later I get a call from W informing me that the doctor found the root cause of her pain...IUD malfunction. It required removal, possibly surgery. She sounded very scared. At that point, I listened and said that it was very worrying. I did not say it was going to be ok or go to ER or anything else, because she knew her options already. I left early to go home and just make sure things were ok at home with D4. I get a call a half hour later from W telling me she is going to doctor to get the IUD removed. 30 minutes later, the IUD is removed, she says she is feeling better, she comes home.
She talked about the situation she was in, I listened and gave her my full attention.
We went to bed in our separate rooms not long after.
One thing I have noticed and have been doing is that I have been taking control of her health sitch and telling her to do things like go to the ER, take meds, eat and so on, when before I would be sweet-talking into doing that stuff and checking and so on. No such case this time. My mentality is, if she needs something she will ask. Otherwise, everything is fine.
I saw this thought posted on a different internet forum and wanted to share. Its something I was implementing while W and I had our very brief in home separation. You should treat your W like she is the biological step mom. This mean you as the father, you are the primary caregiver, not W. You are the leader, she is the helper, it is your house not hers. Your mentality is to take over. You are not being super husband you are taking complete ownership.
Keep on keeping on Pain.
Last edited by Twofeet; 12/01/1803:49 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I need to control this anger. I am so mad right now. Nothing new. Same old BS. I don't know why I should expect any different from her. I mean I told myself "No expectations". You told me "no expectations". I believe "no expectations".
I really need to get a grip.
Busy day today. I just got back from the city with a new casual sport jacket, vest, and stuff to cook my favorite childhood meal. I'm looking forward to that.
I just realized...I haven't eaten much today. No wonder I'm pissy.
Hit a personal best today in weight training. I have not been able to bench 135 lbs. 10 times in...years. I don't care if 135 is not a lot. It is a lot to me. And I am loving the transformation my body and my soul is going through. It has been a very slow process and I still have a lot to work on. I do see that W is still cake-eating (joint account primarily), but having me as my emotional support is pretty much non-existent. She is trying though. Hard. Asked me multiple times to let her know if I need anything from the city. Asked me why I never pick up when she calls and why it takes time for me to answer her texts. Anytime she brings talk about the future, I answer with "Let's not get that far ahead. I'm thinking only of tomorrow."
On the "being-a-leader" front, I have noticed that when I told W to do something, especially when it comes to her health, she does not fight, moan, or complain. She does it. To a lesser extent, when I ask her to do something in regards to the house or D4...she does that too without much pushback.
I don't know what all of that means when it comes to us. I do know that I am getting a grip of what I can control back. I am getting my balls back.
I am always going to be worried about the one thing that is going to bring me crashing back down. I don't know what it will be this time. Whatever it is, I hope that I can deal with it better than the previous times I have crashed.
2019 is going to be great. I am looking forward to the new year.
Try and look at your W with (detached) kindness. There is a good woman under there too - just maybe, for now, not the woman for you.
I know there is, FS. I see pieces of her, but I do not see the same person that I fell in love with. I am very guarded against her. Whether or not she comes back...that's not my thing to control.
All of this. I need to keep all of this in mind. Hopefully we don’t get to S / D, but already got ILYBINILWY bomb
If you're going to swing, especially when we're expected to receive blunt feedback, don't hold yourself back. It's up to the recipient on how they handle it. If they don't like it, if I did not like it, you will be told.