Is love worth the pain? Back to Basics

[Did]

Recommendations on detaching besides reading? The physical desire / sexual connection is really strong. Got a IC referred by MC who is also a sex therapist. So I will call her tomorrow and continue therapy.

Came across this from AnotherStander-
One of my ex's enablers left her H, moved out and acted like a college girl on spring break. Her H was like "you want to leave, well there's the door." He didn't do all the begging/ pleading/ placating that most of us did. He just went silent on her. She got a tattoo of a butterfly on her lower back with a phrase in Latin that translated to something like "she's finally free", LOL! 6 months later she was back home with her H like nothing ever happened. That was around 5 years ago and they are still together. Sandi is always talking about how she wishes more LBS's would take that kind of a "tough love" approach with a wayward because that is pretty much the only thing that works with them. The problem with most of us here is we are afflicted with NGS (nice guy syndrome) and are unable/ unwilling to take that approach.

Thats what I am going to do. She wants the divorce go for it. Im done with all the chasing trying etc. Focus is on me and D4. My future and my social life. I have wasted so much mental energy on W and helping / trying / fixing. Done with it. And now to just be consistent.

[Twofeet]

Did,

This is going to sound naive on my part, but why do you need to see a sex therapist? I see you and others on these forums mentioning seeing sex therapists or taking sex classes. I don't get it, do you have some sort of sexual impedance?

[Did]

Haha no I have a high sex drive no impedance, if anything I am too into the physical aspect of love. The sex therapist I see does couples therapy and works on intimacy and sexual things. In my case she was referred by a man I know well and trust. She did great things for his marriage. She is also well known an author and Ted talks etc she has been the best therapist of the 3 Ive seen for IC and MC. I think they overlap a lot. And intimacy, trust, how to touch each other etc.

Also my W had talked about fantasies with 2 partners, threesomes and sharing... when we slept together 2 months ago. We had both been seeing other people and the 2 guys she dated were into that stuff.... She is all over the place. I dont think she even got to the point to be able to talk about that stuff since she did just 1 IC appt.

Im going to focus on self confidence and have the mentality you wanted to leave go ahead. Ill be the best man and dad you ever had a chance to have.

[Yail]

I think they overlap a lot. And intimacy, trust, how to touch each other etc.

I find it really interesting and great that you're working on your own sex life individually. I have been as well since my S and I hadn't heard of anyone else doing so. I think so often we think of our sex lives as only existing when partnered or actively engaging. I'm learning that's not the case - it really has to do with who we are as whole people. I'm realizing that I'm learning more about myself when I don't have the pressure of "what would the other person think??" in the back of my mind.

Really truly great!

[Did]

Regarding above the sex therapist I’ve seen hasn’t worked with sex stuff. She is a well known marriage counselor and we’ve been focusing on that.

Can someone remind me not to see or talk to my wife any more than I have to. She still affects me a lot. Just got d4s stuff from her and she must have said she was going to lay down 5 times in 5 minutes. Acting like she wanted me to pursue or follow her. I’m so tired of this. It’s difficult for me so I think the better thing is just not to see her.

At mc mon I’ll tell her what I believe the issues are and she can decide if she wants to work on herself to change them. If not I continue to go dark and work to accept divorce. I can’t make her do the work or change. She holds all her traumas in she was hit as a kid by her mom. She cries about her car and hasn’t talked about her accident. She needs Ic as much as me. She can do the work and I’ll be open to seeing her. Or she can continue to not do the work and I get the F outta this leeway place.

[SteveLW]

Did, just DB man. Do not initiate conversations unless they are necessary related to D4. Do not respond to your W unless it is a question. And then answer in your own time (not right away) with as few words a possible.

Pretend you are a POW. Name. Rank. Serial number. That is all the information you want to give up.

[Did]

Just a sad state man.

[SteveLW]

Don't focus on that. Focus on that fact that you are becoming an international man of mystery. Believe it or not, the darker you go, the more mysterious you'll become. Believe it or not her curiosity will be piqued. But you have to be diligent and consistent. If you give up too much the minutes she sniffs around she'll run the other way.

[ovrrnbw]

Regarding above the sex therapist I’ve seen hasn’t worked with sex stuff. She is a well known marriage counselor and we’ve been focusing on that.

Can someone remind me not to see or talk to my wife any more than I have to. She still affects me a lot. Just got d4s stuff from her and she must have said she was going to lay down 5 times in 5 minutes. Acting like she wanted me to pursue or follow her. I’m so tired of this. It’s difficult for me so I think the better thing is just not to see her.

At mc mon I’ll tell her what I believe the issues are and she can decide if she wants to work on herself to change them. If not I continue to go dark and work to accept divorce. I can’t make her do the work or change. She holds all her traumas in she was hit as a kid by her mom. She cries about her car and hasn’t talked about her accident. She needs Ic as much as me. She can do the work and I’ll be open to seeing her. Or she can continue to not do the work and I get the F outta this leeway place.

I'm going to remind you not to see her or talk to her. You need to do this for YOUR OWN SAKE. Get away from the craziness my man! And stick to it!

You are the king of saying "I'm not talking to her" like you did in this post, and then telling us how you're going to talk to her in the next paragraph when you say "at MC Monday I'll tell her....".... You ain't telling her crap! Sorry, but that's the way it is. So go back to the "I'm not talking to her" and let her be.

[Did]

So what do I say in MC I want to say all the stuff I believe she needs to see an IC for that she holds in. I wrote about 5 min of notes in my phone. I kind of want to say them and walk out of the therapy session like you need to be on this couch. I’ve been doing individuals. With love and respect Im out.

Her mom hit her as a kid she was taught be seen but not heard. Her mom left her dad in the middle of the night. She has post partum. She got an abortion. She got in a drunk driving accident. She has been in unhealthy relationships. She struggles with talking about this stuff at all. No one knows her true life... except me. She hides her struggles and puts on her happy face but at times she’s dying inside and has told me. Everyone thinks she’s fine and she chooses not to talk about it and has anxiety. I don’t think anything will improve between us unless she gets IC. She has to work on things like communication that go as far back as childhood. I honestly don’t see her doing it. I talked to my brother for an hour. He was like if you close your eyes and picture it can you see W at thanksgiving sinner with our fam and cousins. Neither of us could see it. She holds things in and they fester and become worse. She did this before she left she used to cry in the bathroom and hide it from me. I told her I didn’t feel anything a couple weeks ago between us and she responded by getting on dating apps to look for me - her words. Communication is a huge issue and always has been. I’m tired of being blamed for everything. She’s done a lot of [censored] up [censored]. If we divorce I don’t see things getting better for her and I’ll have her as a coparent. I guess this is fixer white knight syndrome. So I just say nothing and dB try to get over her.