W won't have a clue about it. I wouldn't want her to see this. I won't make this public until next summer at the earliest. I thought it might make me feel better. It's actually been a bit discouraging, so I think I'll just leave well enough alone for now.
Agreed
The only one who will make you feel better is you.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
There´s no need of that kind of test. Take your time to heal and get into your new life. Do some GAL, get into a physical exercising routine and be there for your girls.
I agree. Worthiness is not measured on how many women like your profile. Your S is still fairly fresh, and D no completed yet. I would focus on finding YOU, and being the best and most present dad you can be. Long-term inner happines comes from within. Find that, and you will be a better partner to someone, some day.
There´s no need of that kind of test. Take your time to heal and get into your new life. Do some GAL, get into a physical exercising routine and be there for your girls.
I agree. Worthiness is not measured on how many women like your profile. Your S is still fairly fresh, and D no completed yet. I would focus on finding YOU, and being the best and most present dad you can be. Long-term inner happines comes from within. Find that, and you will be a better partner to someone, some day.
Absolutely. I guess I was just curious about what was out there. I've never been on a dating site.
Harvey, read other men's profiles on the dating sites. Your initial draft sounds like all the others, you're trying to sell yourself. You've got to do something to stand out and be different. Have you ever seen the Wolf of Wall Street? I love how at the end of the movie he hands the pen to people and says "sell me this pen". They're all like "well this is a lovely pen, it writes really well, looks great, has lots of ink..." That's bad sales tactics. What's good sales tactics? Create demand. Like earlier in the movie when he hands it to one of his salesmen and says "sell me this pen." The guy says "hey, write my name down." He says "but I don't have a pen." He says "here you go". See the difference?
I started out with a profile much like yours. I got very little in the way of results. I had a female friend critique it and I also researched it on the 'net and rewrote it to be almost like an audition. I didn't sell myself, I said what it was I was looking for and invited women to write me if they thought they measured up. That one got much better results. Alpha males don't try to sell themselves because they know their value. Instead they make women sell themselves to them. Beta men try to sell themselves to the women. But there are already so many profiles out there like that that it doesn't get any attention.
Also some more key points I learned from women I talked to- be 100% clear on your status to them. If you are newly divorced then let them know early on. It's a deal-killer for a lot of women. Some women will even state things in their profile like "do not contact me unless you have been divorced at least 2 years." Why? Because they know those men are still holding a candle for their ex. Do not post pics of material things in your profile (car, motorcycle, boat, etc.) That is a huge turn-off. Men give a lot of "worth" to the things a person owns, the more stuff they have then the higher men think their "status" is. Women do not think that way, it turns most of them off in fact. Don't post a bunch of selfies. Selfies say "unsociable, lonely, loser". Go out with friends doing fun stuff- hiking, beach, mountains, zip-lining, whatever and have someone take pictures of you by yourself and with others. Pictures like that tell women "here's a guy that is active and fun-loving and has lots of friends, he must be high value."
If you say in your profile that you would like to go to Kenya on safari or Colorado skiing, they're probably thinking "yeah BS, he probably sits at home watching Oprah." But if you don't say ONE WORD about that but post PICTURES of yourself snow skiing, toasting with friends in a lodge and out on an African safari, then their reaction will be "wow I want to know more about this guy, I wonder if I am good enough for someone like this."
AS, this is brilliant! My BFF is newly online dating and I can see how true this is! Bravo! We have screened through men together and it's a lot of the same! The neediness is obvious from the profile. ... another thing she is finding is that the online dating Rs move fast and furious. It's a bit frightening how fast these men want to get serious. I would suggest to anyone, don't start dating until you have detachment from your Ex and some resolve about the M being over. When in doubt, take more time, and it's always better to learn to love your alone time first.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Today was a solid day. I'm super busy at work, so that kept my mind from wandering. I didn't have any real GAL activities, so I went to the grocery store to get ingredients for the vegetable soup I'm making this weekend. Shoveling, shaving, and making dinner took up most of the night.
Tomorrow, I'm staying overnight at my cousin's house. Saturday, her husband and I are going to an ice fishing show. What an old man thing to do, but I'm looking forward to it. Afterwards, we'll hit a couple of new brew pubs. I really enjoy spending time with them, and they have given me great support during this season of my life.
I've pretty much nixed the idea of finishing my online dating profile. It can wait. I wasn't going to make it public anyways. Still would like ideas for down the road, but I can circle back to it when I'm ready.
In a moment of weakness about six months ago I did one of those reverse email look ups to see if my H was on any dating sites. I got one hit so I set up a fake profile on the site just to see if he was on there. So, I went about setting up a fake email account and a profile on the site - I had to upload a picture (so I put a pic of a tree) and my entire profile was blank apart from a coupe of tick box questions that you had fill in (age, ethnicity, religion, height). I lied pretty much lied about all of it because I had no intention of ever using the profile for anything other than to snoop. Then I cast my net wide (all of the UK, male between 25 and 45 logged in in the last year) - the only thing I was selective about was the things he couldn't lie about (his ethnicity, his height, hair color etc). He wasn't on there.
That tree had over a 100 likes in 2 days and about 50 messages in the first month. Goes to show you those sites are nothing but a meat market and you can have a blank profile with a picture of a tree and someone will still get in contact with you. I am not sure if this is because men aren't very discerning though For a while, it was a running joke in the office "how's your tree doing FS?".
I did the reverse look up using my name and my real email address and it found me on the same dating site so suspect the reverse email was a bit of a con.
You are right, now is not the time to be on a dating site. You need to find you first, the strong, confident and authentic Harvey who knows who he is, is happy with who he is, and who has forgiven himself for his past mistakes.
When you're ready to take that plunge - a couple of extensions on AS words ..
Whilst I was on there I did have a look around a little and the profiles that caught my eye were the ones that were funny and a little self deprecating - the profiles that told a story and where the stories were written well with humor and depth. Men who sounded like they were aware of who they were, were happy with who they were and who were able to find the humor in things. Like AS said, I looked at the photos and was drawn to those where the men looked like they were having fun. So photos, lots of photos of you DOING THINGS. Lastly, there were a lot of separated/divorced men and I liked the ones who were honest about the fact that there children were their first priority.
I really don't want to see my STBXW's profile on a dating site. I guess that means that I haven't 100% detached--which is to be expected at this point. Her profile would really stand out from what I'm seeing. Then again, seeing the guys on this site makes me feel better about myself.
Been on a work call for about 3 hours. I'm ready to start the weekend. Can't wait for the ice fishing show and the brew pubs.
I had a good day GAL'ing. I went to the ice fishing show. I bought my girls rod/reels for ice fishing. I hit a couple of brew pubs. I hung out with my cousin's husband all day. He is somebody that has given me great support throughout this ordeal.
I'm two days away from being divorced. Quite honestly, I still can't believe that I'm in this position, but I know that I did the best that I could to save my marriage. I'm no longer blaming myself entirely for the divorce--nor am I bitter with my W for wanting out of a boring marriage. The bottom line is that I stopped trying to be attractive to my W. The girls became more important to me than our relationship. I have regrets, but I did what I thought was best for my family. Onto the next chapter in my life. It is well with my soul.
Sorry Harvey. I have regrets too but I know that I did my best with what I knew at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20. All you can do it learn from it and resolve to do better next time. A D is the dissolution of the marriage that was. You never know what the future holds. Take time to heal.Get to know you again. Love your girls. Be a great dad and treat yourself well. (((Harvey)))
For a while, it was a running joke in the office "how's your tree doing FS?".