Why do you need to shut down your heart? Lovingly detach, be the lighthouse. Be strong, you are awesome.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I think I probably worded that wrong TF. I don’t want to shutdown my heart... but I do want to give it a rest. Detachment is the key, I know. I continue to be a work in progress but I know I will get there some day.
You are on the right path. Be patient with yourself. You can't rush this grieving process. You'll have ups and downs as the days go by. But soon you will see that there are more ups than downs. You will get there, trust in that.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks Davide. This weekend is my first weekend without my kids when I haven't been "away". Looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time. I do have some goals and plans for myself. Saturday I want to get my guitar and I also have a party to go to which is nice. Sunday is my hike and I'm hoping to be able to get some lights up on my giant Xmas tree. Not a fan of ladders though so it will be challenging. This was my H's department before so it will feel good to do it on my own, I think. I will save the ornaments for when my kids are home. Looking forward to not having to get up early too as you can never really sleep in with kids. Anyway...always good to have something to look forward to.
Ugh... I was just in the lunchroom listening to people talk about upcoming travel plans. Reminded me that this time last year, I was looking forward to our first big family vacation. I so wish I had known it was our last. Our last Christmas as a family. Hard to keep back the tears. I'm sure my H doesn't think about any of those things. He's just looking forward to his "freedom". I so can't wait to get the holidays over with.
Try to remember the good times you had with your H fondly, not with "I'll never have that again" but more with an "I'm glad we got to have that". At one point I regretted our M because I thought that everything about it was a lie (I blame him and his rewriting of our past for this) but now, I am thankful we had that time together because I know, no matter how much he tried to convince me otherwise, that we truly loved (still do) one another. We had some truly excellent experiences together both on our own and as a family and I will forever be grateful.
I will have other holidays, and I know, once I am able to live in the present, I will enjoy those holidays as much as the ones I had with my H. Look forward, not back.
Christmas will be great as long as you are able to enjoy it for what it is. Time spent with your kids, your sister and your MIL. On my birthday you said to me don't focus on who isn't there (H) but who is there (my kids). That was good advice.
Ugh... I was just in the lunchroom listening to people talk about upcoming travel plans. Reminded me that this time last year, I was looking forward to our first big family vacation. I so wish I had known it was our last. Our last Christmas as a family. Hard to keep back the tears. I'm sure my H doesn't think about any of those things. He's just looking forward to his "freedom". I so can't wait to get the holidays over with.
Two things:
1) I think ultimately it was great you didn't know it was the last. You hopefully were able to enjoy it authentically - both the ups and downs that may have been happening on the trip. (Also: you don't "know" anything. But I get what you mean)
2) You don't know your H isn't thinking about these things. He very well might be - probably is. Just in a different way because he's lost.
You too can look forward to your "freedom". But maybe choose a different word. Just find something to look towards. It's so hard this time of year, when many of our holidays focus around the past and traditions. Do you celebrate Easter? Maybe look forward to that in a few months. A date that focuses on rebirth and spring. I don't identify as a Christian but I still "celebrate" Easter for those two reasons (and bunnies. and chocolate.)
Wow... I do not know what is going on with me. Last night I felt really good and today have just been getting progressively down. Got home and my MIL started in on how much homework the kids have and then all of a sudden, I’m in tears and I tell her I just need a little bit of time to myself in my room. So now I’m hiding out waiting until I don’t look like I’ve been crying so my kids won’t be upset.
I so want to be done with this. Intellectually... I know... I need to move on, drop the rope, forget about my marriage and all of my regrets and my what ifs. I KNOW my H is too far gone. I KNOW he is not coming back and that even if he wanted to, he does not have the strength of character to actually do the work required. So why am I grieving someone like that??? He hasn’t been there for me since our kids were about three years old, truth be told. He was a terrible husband for about the last six years - self focused and resentful of any demands on him that were not self-generated. He ignored me and did everything he could to spend as little time with me as possible. I look back on it and wonder why I didn’t address it? Why didn’t I ask for more? Why did I just accept it? Did I really think he was in nightly medical treatment for all that time? The intellectual side of me most certainly did not but my emotional side wanted so badly to believe that what I was experiencing was not about my H and his commitment to our marriage and to me but due to some medical issue outside of our control. Seriously...what is wrong with me? I think I really need some 2x4’s right now.
You are lifting the veil of denial. This takes time and will bring many new feelings.
Once the shock of BD wears off, denial settles in. It is insidious and runs deep. It is necessary and good in that it protects your very psyche from too much damage. When your mind is faced with something it just can’t handle, it will ignore it - deny it exists.
This is not conscious ignoring - what you may think denial is. No, it is the unknown refusal of facts or reality. It is unknown to you. This is all perfectly normal and very expected - do not freak out.
A lot of revelations will be revealed. You will feel all kinds of things. As your mind slowly uncovers “new” things your feelings will react. There will be pain, sorrow, guilt, remorse, happy, giddy, elated. It is quite a ride. As I said - breathe and be gentle on yourself. You need time.
This is where accurately looking at your situation is very helpful. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Being accurate in word, thought, feeling will allow a smoother transition, especially from denial.
Have you read my bit on feelings, thoughts, and beliefs? Well a quick recap.
Feelings spring forth from our subconscious. They are quick to initiate and quick to extinguish. An example, someone could probably say something that would make you mad, instantly. That feeling sprung to life just like that. Now usually within half an hour most feelings subside and disappear, when the cause of the feeling is removed. Recognize this within yourself.
Feelings are fleeting. They do not last. When jacked up on feelings, one is emotional highjacked. Emotions and reason do not mix. Recoginize the cause, remove yourself from it, give yourself that 30 minutes to calm down. Don’t “do” anything during this time, you’re emotional and will probably not make the best decisions. Emotions are reactionary, if you follow them you will just react.
Thoughts follow feelings almost immediately. The above example where someone makes you mad, your thoughts will follow to justify your feelings. Imagine I said something mean (I know, that’s a tall order). You get mad. Then something like “That DnJ, what an a$$, he just called me out for no reason, that sob, etc....” lol. You get the idea.
Again recognize the errant thoughts. I can see a lot in your previous post. I KNOW he is not coming back - and so on are some examples.
The big step is getting in touch with your beliefs. These are your core values, your defining beliefs. They are slow to change and not easily swayed. Follow these.
When you are calm your thoughts will reflect your beliefs. This is when you want to make decisions.
Some advice you may have seen. Respond, instead of react. Give yourself 24 hours to respond to things (48 is even better). If you reply to something quickly or worse immediately you are probably emotional. Allowing time to calm down will help make a response based on reason and beliefs rather than emotions.
A final bit on this (for now).
Beliefs will be reflected in your thoughts. Your feeling will be reflected from your thoughts and beliefs.
Conversely, thoughts will follow your feelings. Your beliefs, in time, will follow your thoughts and feelings. Your beliefs can and do change, it is slow, but it does happen. If you continually allow less desirable thoughts and feelings to be reenforced your beliefs will slowly be altered.
You are going to feel a lot of stuff.
Your feelings are real and true. Acknowledge them.
Feelings are fleeting. Do not dwell on them, it only reenforces them. Let them go.
Your thoughts will follow. There will be all kinds of thoughts and justifications. Remain calm, find your beliefs. Those errant thoughts will follow the feelings and extinguish as well. Do not reenforce these either.
Trust your beliefs.
Trust your compassion.
Create thoughts on these beliefs. Good feelings will follow and proper thoughts and beliefs will be reenforced.
Be gentle on yourself.
Breathe.
(((DejaVu6)))
I feel, think, and believe I have given you enough for now. Better let it settle a bit.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you DnJ. I will read this a number of times over, no doubt. You will never know how much your wise and thoughtful responses mean to me. Always the calm that follows my storm. (((DnJ)))
