Quick question I've been looking for a better part of an hour on sandi's response to an "Everything ok?" request from WW. I know that it's a trap question, but I want to know why. I saw her post a response, but do not know what thread it is in. I've looked through the search engines with no luck.
Can someone assist? Please?
Edit: Found it! But I would like more insight please. I get hit with that question once every three weeks or so and I always response with "Nothing. Everything is great!". Also, I know that it never ends well with I answer...truthfully. I practically hand my balls to her on a silver platter.
pain18,
you tell your W that yes, you -ARE- FINE, in fact you're having the BEST time of your life. Truthfully, if you Detach and GAL for you, why wouldn't you be having the best time? Wouldn't that be better than being miserable under the looming axe of D?
Trap question IMO means she temp checking you, if you still under her control, then yes you will be honestly saying you are miserable and she will go Thank you, I'll see you later tonight. If you are honest and show her you're having the best time of your life, you're moving on, you might be whistling dixie coming in the door, cheery attitude, swaying back and forth, tossing the keys down, maybe not even noticing her until she asks "hey hows things", then you raise your head smiling as if you were thinking about something that really took your mind off her, then you tell her, had a great day, or couldn't be better. (keep it short, keep them guessing, then keep going)
Last edited by Adam04; 12/02/1805:35 PM.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Quick question I've been looking for a better part of an hour on sandi's response to an "Everything ok?" request from WW. I know that it's a trap question, but I want to know why. I saw her post a response, but do not know what thread it is in. I've looked through the search engines with no luck.
Can someone assist? Please? smile
Edit: Found it! But I would like more insight please. I get hit with that question once every three weeks or so and I always response with "Nothing. Everything is great!". Also, I know that it never ends well with I answer...truthfully. I practically hand my balls to her on a silver platter.
It is a "hook" question she uses to pull you into texting with her. Yes, she is temp checking, but it goes further, b/c she wants to know what you are doing. What are you up to? She wants that control over your life. She's going to be nosy! If you are out, she is especially curious and wants to know where, when, what and with whom. So, she starts playing like she's concerned about you? No way! She wants to keep you emotionally engaged/attached.
She doesn't want to be your W, but she wants you to stay available and engaging with her. She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want you finding interest in someone else. She doesn't want you happy with some OW. She wants to replace you with OM, but she doesn't want you replacing her. So, this is her way of trying to stay on top of what you are doing when you are out and about, or if you don't come home within the time frame she expects.
How should you respond? Just say, "fine", and then do not respond to further questioning.
Learn to use one word text responses (or just as few as absolutely necessary). She will try to keep you responding back and forth, but just don't engage...….especially if you are out GAL. Remember, she is not your friend! She has an ulterior motive for texting and asking if everything is okay...….and it's not b/c she is concerned about you!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want you finding interest in someone else. She doesn't want you happy with some OW. She wants to replace you with OM, but she doesn't want you replacing her.
I know you’ve probably talked about this before but it still baffles me. Especially because of Twofeet’s recent convo with his W, which sounds very similar to a convo I had with my W (and yes, both of us were breaking DB protocol, unfortunately). We both got a response like, “Yes, it’s fine for you to date other people, I want you to be happy.” So are they lying/manipulating when they say that? Very curious to learn more about this if you have time.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Originally Posted by sandi2 She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want you finding interest in someone else. She doesn't want you happy with some OW. She wants to replace you with OM, but she doesn't want you replacing her.
I know you’ve probably talked about this before but it still baffles me. Especially because of Twofeet’s recent convo with his W, which sounds very similar to a convo I had with my W (and yes, both of us were breaking DB protocol, unfortunately). We both got a response like, “Yes, it’s fine for you to date other people, I want you to be happy.” So are they lying/manipulating when they say that? Very curious to learn more about this if you have time.
This resonates with me as well. My W has clearly replaced me with OM, but is worried that she will "lose me" which seems to be in reference to another woman. I don't think it is necessarily lying or manipulative (though it could be.) At least in my sitch I see it as my W wanting her freedom but also wanting the connection which we forged over the years. It seems like cake-eating but almost unconscious cake-eating. There is no recognition of what it is on her part. Of course, I have never talked to my W about dating other people because it is none of her damn business at this point what I do. However, I think the idea is the same.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want you finding interest in someone else. She doesn't want you happy with some OW. She wants to replace you with OM, but she doesn't want you replacing her.
I know you’ve probably talked about this before but it still baffles me. Especially because of Twofeet’s recent convo with his W, which sounds very similar to a convo I had with my W (and yes, both of us were breaking DB protocol, unfortunately). We both got a response like, “Yes, it’s fine for you to date other people, I want you to be happy.” So are they lying/manipulating when they say that? Very curious to learn more about this if you have time.
They are b.s.ing the H when they say this stuff. TwoFeet basically told his W what she wanted to hear, and he should not believe a word that she told him. Look, it's one thing for the WW to tell her H she wants him to date and be happy. But it's quite another thing when she actually experiences losing him. When does she actually lose him? Usually, for her, it's when another woman takes her place in his life. Until then, the WW selfishly wants to be his one true love that he never got over. She doesn't want another woman replacing her in his life. (But it's okay for her to replace him.) She still feels that she has some control over him. Sometimes she even causes trouble when he's married again, b/c she still tries to keep him attached to her. It is her selfishness, jealousy and control/manipulation at play.....not love.
So, believe none of what she says.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
They are b.s.ing the H when they say this stuff. TwoFeet basically told his W what she wanted to hear, and he should not believe a word that she told him. Look, it's one thing for the WW to tell her H she wants him to date and be happy. But it's quite another thing when she actually experiences losing him. When does she actually lose him? Usually, for her, it's when another woman takes her place in his life. Until then, the WW selfishly wants to be his one true love that he never got over. She doesn't want another woman replacing her in his life. (But it's okay for her to replace him.) She still feels that she has some control over him. Sometimes she even causes trouble when he's married again, b/c she still tries to keep him attached to her. It is her selfishness, jealousy and control/manipulation at play.....not love.
So, believe none of what she says.
I clearly remember the conversation WW brought up to me two months before BD, and how she kept trying me to "have my own life" three months after. It was very difficult for me to see my sitch as anything else but a WW having an affair while cake-eating. This sounds like the very epitome of a WW.
And what Sandi says gives me all the more reason to be vindictive to her and have her feel even more pain and anguish in the coming weeks and months. I am not saying it's the right thing to feel, far from it, but it does make me furious at the blatant lack of disrespect coming from her. Like I really am starting to hate her.
I also know that saying what I said means I need to detach and GAL more. And continue to seek counseling for these feelings. But holy crap...I have never felt this kind of anger ever.
She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want you finding interest in someone else. She doesn't want you happy with some OW. She wants to replace you with OM, but she doesn't want you replacing her.
I know you’ve probably talked about this before but it still baffles me. Especially because of Twofeet’s recent convo with his W, which sounds very similar to a convo I had with my W (and yes, both of us were breaking DB protocol, unfortunately). We both got a response like, “Yes, it’s fine for you to date other people, I want you to be happy.” So are they lying/manipulating when they say that? Very curious to learn more about this if you have time.
They are b.s.ing the H when they say this stuff. TwoFeet basically told his W what she wanted to hear, and he should not believe a word that she told him. Look, it's one thing for the WW to tell her H she wants him to date and be happy. But it's quite another thing when she actually experiences losing him. When does she actually lose him? Usually, for her, it's when another woman takes her place in his life. Until then, the WW selfishly wants to be his one true love that he never got over. She doesn't want another woman replacing her in his life. (But it's okay for her to replace him.) She still feels that she has some control over him. Sometimes she even causes trouble when he's married again, b/c she still tries to keep him attached to her. It is her selfishness, jealousy and control/manipulation at play.....not love.
So, believe none of what she says.
Hey Sandi,
Please read my sitch if you haven't and give me your thoughts to where I am at currently with my sitch.
Basically, W asked me to show my cards and I did. I am not dating, not dating anytime soon, when I do I will date younger because I can, and I have zero intention of getting married again. In this convo W tried to give me rules for dating, and future R. She also said she was not dating and staying single to heal. Do I believe her? Well on face value it could be true, but not likely. If she isn't dating she is probably at the least putting out feelers and exploring options. Why else would she BD me so out of the blue and rush to move out and D me at lightning speed? If there isn't a specific OM she might get a reality check on how hard the dating scene is in my area for someone with her prospects. The very least she will probably find out how low she will need to drop her standards. Who knows I could be dead wrong, it is not for me to decide. My problem is that I had a convo I shouldn't have had and now its knocked me back down and I am grieving hard all over again.
Last edited by Twofeet; 12/09/1806:21 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I'm going to follow your sitch because I'm thinking I'm going to be in a similar sitch soon. My W and I had a similar convo at the very beginning, but I told her that I'm gonna focus on me until I'm ready. She is actively with the OM, so she temp checks me constantly when I do things to see whats up.
Basically, W asked me to show my cards and I did. I am not dating, not dating anytime soon, when I do I will date younger because I can, and I have zero intention of getting married again. In this convo W tried to give me rules for dating, and future R. She also said she was not dating and staying single to heal. Do I believe her?
No, you cannot believe anything she says. You can't trust her. The WW wants to control her H's life, even after they split. She wants to be able to whatever she pleases, and she wants to eat cake.....a lot of cake. She wants her H to stay emotionally attached and available to her, but she doesn't want to be his W. The only reason she would be interested is if she thought she was losing him. It is her selfishness, jealousy, and manipulation that drives her to be this way.
You should never show the WW your cards. This is not the girl you M. She is not your friend. You basically assured her that you would always carry a torch for her and not date anyone. At least, I'm pretty sure that's how she heard it. She doesn't get to set rules for your life. Period.
Stop sharing personal information with her about your intentions, your feelings, etc. You can't interact with her as though the two of you were in a loving relationship. Not now, anyway.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
