Focus on this sentence. Remind yourself over and over again that she has never been heard - or never FELT that she has been heard. She may spew hatred or inaccuracies to avoid getting to the meat of what she needs to address. She may avoid avoid avoid or try to throw you under the bus somehow. But in knowing her history, is there any doubt as to why that is?
You are coming from a place of strength, she is coming from a place of weakness. Be stronger. You can listen and validate her because you see her pain. You can DB. You can get all of your angst and frustration out here on the forum or with a trusted IC or friend. She cannot. She is unable to do that. Give her every chance you can to get to that point. For her this will not be 1 or 2 sessions in MC or IC. This is a lifetime goal, which hopefully she can make progress in.
Sometimes when you create more silence people get nervous. They start to fill that silence, and say more than they thought they would. Give her that silence, even to the point of awkward silence. See what she fills it with.
So what do I say in MC I want to say all the stuff I believe she needs to see an IC for that she holds in.
I guess this is fixer white knight syndrome. So I just say nothing and dB try to get over her.
Yes. Did, I can say with confidence you are trying to fix her and even you realize that that's not feasible. You are even holding yourself higher than your MC... "what do I say in MC..." Isn't that for the MC to determine?! You are not the therapist. I get while we can see and understand a lot of what our S can't, they are not going to change or do the work unless they want to, and IF they want to, I feel pretty strongly that in such a damaged relationship, you will HAVE to let a third party and your W work out what progress looks like. You being the person to call the shots and evaluate things is not going to do anything positive for they dynamics of your relationship even if you are right.
Keep a list of all of the bad things she's done, things she makes you feel bad about, things you've tried, etc. Re-read it often, any time you are getting the urge to talk with her or whatever.
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
You cannot fix her childhood issues. Nor can you push her to fix them. Trust me, you telling her she needs IC to fix them will not go over well. She knows where she can go when she wants to deal with them. You are trying to control the situation to get her to do what you need her to do.
what has happened to her is very sad. But she has to choose to deal with it. If she came to you asking for help, then help her. But don't tell her she NEEDS to see an IC an deal with her issues. She knows what she needs to do. She needs to choose to do it.
Had this pain in my neck / upper back a year ago from stress. It’s back. I guess I haven’t made nearly as much progress as I had hoped. My advice do not sleep with a waw unless she really commits to change and getting to a healthy place. I gotta stop caring about her decisions desires and interest so much and detach.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
She won’t choose to do it. She never has. She says she does her work alone. I think I’m just done guys. I’m not going to say she needs ic as much as outline all the unhealthy stuff in her life. Tell her it has affected me. I hope she gets healthy but she has to stop blaming me and look inward. I’m more sad but I wish I was more mad. I have a call with a therapist focusing on people going through separations and divorce tomorrow. Feeling done. Done. Done. She would have to change so much. Of course she told me she was going out with a girlfriend last night. And my anxiety shows through she’s probably out all night having risky sex whatever. I gotta move on to get healthy.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
I am in full concurrence that you need to stop attending MC with her. MC only works when both people are willing to work on the MR. But I am not in favor on how you plan to do it.
I think a short, sweet text message saying: "I’ve decided against continuing marriage counseling. I feel that it would just be going through the motions at this point. A lot has happened and I need help processing it so I can heal and move forward."
Do not follow it up. Do not react to her reaction to it. YOu said all you need to say on the subject with the above.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You can´t fix her Did. She can, but she must want to do it. Pressuring pushes her to the evasion road. MC does that, pushes her away.
Be there for D4 but go dark. No more "she" in your posts man. Time to restart DB. I think we have had this conversation some posts ago. Time to save yourself now. Time to heal the wounds. D4 needs you healthy Did. It´s about you and D4 now.
(((Did & D4)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I am in full concurrence that you need to stop attending MC with her. MC only works when both people are willing to work on the MR. But I am not in favor on how you plan to do it.
I think a short, sweet text message saying: "I’ve decided against continuing marriage counseling. I feel that it would just be going through the motions at this point. A lot has happened and I need help processing it so I can heal and move forward."
Do not follow it up. Do not react to her reaction to it. YOu said all you need to say on the subject with the above.
That should read: A lot has happened and I need time processing it so I can heal and move forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just want to use the MC as a forum for communication.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
