will this thread last more than 5 days? (burned)

[TJT]

People (and women in particular) have a way of painting a super rosy picture on social media even when they are falling apart IRL.

Well, my life is falling apart and I'm definitely not painting a rosy picture on SM, haha. I have not really been on it at all, for the very reason that I don't want to be "fake" and it's obviously not necessarily the best time or place to let people know what IS going on, the way I'd like to at least.

On the other hand, my H is painting a rosy picture not even on SM, but in real life, to everyone he encounters. He is happy and this doesn't seem to affect him. He said he's happier around everyone but me, and I know I'm not THAT terrible even if I have my moments. It's absolutely him compartmentalizing what's really going on within himself.

So, I think the statement is more appropriate for anyone who has done something they're not proud of in general. People who are guilty and in denial of the things they really need to face and own up to or just generally address. It's a coping mechanism, so still validates what you've said about not using it as an effective gauge of true feelings.

[RyanHun]

TJT,
There are many different styles of attachment. A quick Google search should bring up explanations. A lot of what I have witnessed on here and something I myself struggle with is one form or another of unhealthy attachment. I somewhat agree that perhaps we don't necessarily have to 100% detach immediately right this second but we certainly need to do a great deal of detaching and any attachment we do hang onto needs to shift to a healthy variety.

[Twofeet]

So... I read a thing on the elephant journal about how detachment can actually be bad for us in some ways if it results in ultra suppression of our feelings. I'm not sure what the rules are about linking to other things so I won't do it here unless someone asks, but it made a lot of sense.

I just say that because while I get the value of not basing our happiness on the actions of others, I also don't think it's reasonable to "strive", per se, to not be emotionally impacted by someone we were once deeply emotionally entwined with. And never "attaching" to someone so that the hurt doesn't happen again doesn't seem to be right either.

I do think it's a process and if people are pushed to "detach" too quickly, it could result in more harm by those feelings not getting acknowledged..no to sound all cliche about it. And I know someone will re-define what detaching is supposed to be but I'm just observing that many times we get chastised for the emotions we're feeling under the premise of "you need to detach", and while yes, ultimately that's what we want, perhaps feeling the feelings is part of getting there?

I'm getting too deep now at end of day... that is all.

TJT,

I am just amateur hour over here so some one like AS, R2C, LH19, Bluewave, or any longtime vet could give you a better answer.... so here goes

I think people are supposed to lovingly detach. I do not think it is something that comes easy and you really have to work at it. I also don't think it is something where you suppress emotions. I think emotional suppression just leads to serious problems down the road. It might have been AS or someone else that started having anxiety attacks later in their sitch from not letting the emotions out. I think when you lovingly detach you still care for your S and you have emotions for them, but you are on a boat and you don't let there waves knock you off that boat. I think it means you stay centered in their presence or by their actions. It doesn't mean you don't feel, grieve, etc. Those emotions need to be let out, but in privacy of your own solitude. In the S presence a I feel that lovingly detached person stands from a position of strength and being centered.

I think people get chastised on here for not detaching because of the way they come across. Burned for instance is having a bad day because of his W actions. Now, there is nothing wrong with feeling bad, but he has let his W actions ruin his day, especially actions that have nothing to do with his sitch directly. He comes across to me almost as panicky. B sharing his bad dream related to his W has nothing to do with the rest of his post. He also isn't getting on here and saying "W did X and it is so annoying... well it bothered me so much I went and did Y to get my mind of it, win for me!" Unfortunately, he lets his W actions put him in a tailspin.

If you go read B's posts on other peoples sitch its like he is a whole different person. Very insightful, lots of clarity. He gets nutty on his on sitch because he is struggling with detachment and his other issues.

[TJT]

TJT,
There are many different styles of attachment. A quick Google search should bring up explanations. A lot of what I have witnessed on here and something I myself struggle with is one form or another of unhealthy attachment. I somewhat agree that perhaps we don't necessarily have to 100% detach immediately right this second but we certainly need to do a great deal of detaching and any attachment we do hang onto needs to shift to a healthy variety.

Yeah, I get it. I think sometimes, because we are all just trying to be so committed to each others' success, we can get a little pushy (and in fairness, folks are often posting about moments in time without full line of sight to the larger context of the person's day, thoughts, etc. We only know what we know.)

I think we all understand for the most part. Just something to be mindful of I guess, that when someone is posting about a bad day it may not be that they are totally not detaching, full stop, but it may have just been a moment!

[TJT]

He also isn't getting on here and saying "W did X and it is so annoying... well it bothered me so much I went and did Y to get my mind of it, win for me!" Unfortunately, he lets his W actions put him in a tailspin.

I see what you mean, especially if someone is displaying a trend of the same unhelpful reaction/behavior. But sometimes, yeah, we have bad days and we don't do the GALing and that's that. Sometimes just reassuring the other person that they can keep going, vs. being all "hey, you're not detaching!!" can be better for our motivation. Otherwise we can feel like we're just continuing to fail. I'm speaking very broadly here because I don't want to be mistaken - I know we all need a good kick in the butt sometimes!

If you go read B's posts on other peoples sitch its like he is a whole different person. Very insightful, lots of clarity. He gets nutty on his on sitch because he is struggling with detachment and his other issues.

Yeah I've seen this in action personally, as he's commented on my sitch (and sorry B, I know we're talking about you like you're not in the room, hahaha). I think we're all kind of like that though because it's obviously WAY easier to give advice on a situation when you're not the one in it with all the feels. Again, "getting nutty" on one's own sitch is to be expected in my opinion, to an extent of course. I don't think we'd be human if not.

Maybe I'm just defending B because I recognize the same feelings he's describing in myself, but yet I still feel like I'm making decent progress...just with some bad days or moments along the way that I'm certainly not proud of!

[burned]

No worries. TF and I go way back. I’d gladly be friends with him IRL. I get panicky and I get nutty, those are perfect descriptions. I get all worked up and I end up...burninating the countryside!

[TJT]

I end up...burninating the countryside!

I don't know, that kind of sounds like GAL to me! lol.

For the record I just want to say I didn't mean I think you needed to be defended or that anyone really crossed a line here. Was just thinking about different perspectives on things.

[burned]

I didn’t get that impression, so all is well.

Believe me, I’ve learned quite a bit about crossing lines in the last 24 hours.

[Adam04]

So... I read a thing on the elephant journal about how detachment can actually be bad for us in some ways if it results in ultra suppression of our feelings. I'm not sure what the rules are about linking to other things so I won't do it here unless someone asks, but it made a lot of sense.

I just say that because while I get the value of not basing our happiness on the actions of others, I also don't think it's reasonable to "strive", per se, to not be emotionally impacted by someone we were once deeply emotionally entwined with. And never "attaching" to someone so that the hurt doesn't happen again doesn't seem to be right either.

I do think it's a process and if people are pushed to "detach" too quickly, it could result in more harm by those feelings not getting acknowledged..no to sound all cliche about it. And I know someone will re-define what detaching is supposed to be

Hi TJT and sup burned, stay off FB

I questioned my detachment today wondering if I was only suppressing my emotions rather than accepting things for what they are.

TJT, there’s healthy and unhealthy and for myself, I tend to struggle with these balances so it’s easier to deal with black and white. Let’s say you were still emotionally attached, not detached, to someone who hurt you and that person is still living with you. Do you see any dangers in that? I still live with my WW and I’m all hunky-dory, where I have to think about it like what’s wrong with me. I can’t be detaching that quickly so what else is there? Denial? Fear?

Maybe in my sitch we both were driving each other crazy and both were falling out of love. I don’t know, will need to explore that more.... I hated the arguing and seething hatred is what it felt like sometimes.

[AnotherStander]

Well, my life is falling apart and I'm definitely not painting a rosy picture on SM, haha.

You should though!! We used to talk about this more years ago, but if you're getting out and GAL'ing then by all means take pics and post them on social media! Even if the WAS "unfriends" the LBS, they WILL see what's being posted. Usually it's a nosy friend. "Hey did you see these pics your W posted, look at this. Sure does look like she's having fun." But man, I've known some people IRL whose lives were complete train wrecks and by looking at their FB or IG accounts you would think they were rich and famous. Some people have mastered the art of not acting as-if but LOOKING as-if

I think people are supposed to lovingly detach. I do not think it is something that comes easy and you really have to work at it. I also don't think it is something where you suppress emotions. I think emotional suppression just leads to serious problems down the road.

Yes, completely agree. The goal is detachment but hopefully it's clear that it is not something that happens quickly! It's a long, slow process that happens gradually. When we say "detach" we don't mean to imply "right now" or "overnight", we're just saying that some people are -overly- attached and need to work on reversing that. Also we do advise not to show your emotions to your WAS, but you are right, that doesn't mean bury or ignore your feelings because that is harmful. The book "The Happiness Trap" delves into this quite a bit and I reference pieces of it a lot here, in particular how there are no "good" or "bad" feelings, they are all valid and should be accepted by each of us. When we try to suppress "bad" feelings then they just come back later bigger and worse. We've all had someone lash out at us for seemingly no reason only to find out later they were mad about something completely unrelated to us, that's a classic example of someone trying to bury their emotions.

It might have been AS or someone else that started having anxiety attacks later in their sitch from not letting the emotions out.

I was about 3 months post-BD and thought I was recovering, detaching and ready to let my W go. Suddenly I plunged into depression and anxiety attacks. Had never experienced either before and wow, I look at that as the lowest part of my life. When you go through depression you find out it's not something you just control yourself out of, it's a very real illness and you're just along for the ride. To this day I don't really know what triggered it, it could very well be because I was suppressing some things but I will say I was pretty good about not trying to hold it in (except around my W). I've never been much of a crier (because I was trained not to cry as a kid) but man did I ever open the flood gates after BD. I cried on the way to work, on the way home from work, would lock myself in the bathroom at home and cry. So yeah, I wasn't trying to hold anything in. Anyway given that experience, whenever someone that's only a month or two post-BD starts saying they are done and moving on and want to pursue D, that to me is a person setting themselves up for one hell of a crash like I had. That's one of the reasons you'll see me say so often to do NOTHING. Time is a healing friend, embrace it. A lot of people want to end the pain ASAP- push S or D or whatever. But rushing into decisions doesn't bring an end to the pain. It doesn't bring any relief at all.

I think when you lovingly detach you still care for your S and you have emotions for them, but you are on a boat and you don't let there waves knock you off that boat. I think it means you stay centered in their presence or by their actions. It doesn't mean you don't feel, grieve, etc. Those emotions need to be let out, but in privacy of your own solitude. In the S presence a I feel that lovingly detached person stands from a position of strength and being centered.

Yes exactly, very well said!

Burned for instance is having a bad day because of his W actions.

Not to pick on Burned in his own thread but like so many others here, he has a bad day because of his W's actions NO MATTER WHAT THEY ARE. When I read the comment that he was bummed because she posted something on FB and still has his last name, that was a classic example I think. Because what's the alternative, she changes her name? And how would he react to that? Certainly in an even worse way. So she can change her name or leave it the same, either way he has a negative reaction that ruins his entire day. So what is detachment, is it not caring about anything she does? No it's not that extreme. But if you're detached and your W doesn't change her name then certainly that doesn't send you spinning. Now if she does change her name it is going to upset you even if you're detached. But you bounce back from that kind of stuff quicker if you're detached.