By all means, pick on me. It's why I came here. You'll recall that my first thread here back in August had "detach?" in the title. Going on 4 months ago now. If anything, detachment has been, and will be, my primary challenge.
This morning, in the span of half an hour, I went through three phases:
1. Lying cheating selfish manipulative b'tch! I'm going to the courthouse TODAY. It's so over, might as well kick her to the curb. Nobody treats me that way. 2. Well, hey, why not just THINK that and not do anything? Let her do whatever she wants, I don't care what a lying, cheating, selfish, manipulative b'tch does or doesn't do, feels or doesn't feel. Whatever, goodbye, Im living for me now. Send the paperwork to my L. 3. OH NO SHE WAS ASKING ABOUT FINANCES that means she's working on the affidavit and it's just a matter of time before she explodes my heart again.
That's...annoying? I'm looking forward to GAL tonight but I'm getting tired of the yoyo. When I get to phase 3 I try to push myself back into phase 2 by thinking, "Well, you know, it has already been 4 months since the real BD, and have we made any real progress towards D except general discussions about who will get what?" And then I think, "Yup, she could change her mind." And then I think, "Nope, hardly likely, at least not in time to have to go through that mess of D."
So. Just...ugh. My heart aches to be reunited with a lying, cheating, selfish, manipulative b'tch. What is wrong with me? Need more GAL. Need to get to a point where I can STAY at phase 2 and like it there. And then when she emails with a passive aggressive comment about not being able to access some account (because I changed it) I can just ignore it and move on with my day.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
This morning, in the span of half an hour, I went through three phases:
Man that brings back memories. It's just exhausting, all the mental bouncing around like that. I mentioned The Happiness Trap in my last post, have you read it? It might help. One of the techniques they offer is visualizing a stop sign when you start spinning like that. Eventually you can train yourself so that it happens automatically. You start spinning, the stop sign pops up in your mind's eye and that automatically calms you down. The book has some really great tips and tricks in it for working through your emotions.
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When I get to phase 3 I try to push myself back into phase 2 by thinking, "Well, you know, it has already been 4 months since the real BD, and have we made any real progress towards D except general discussions about who will get what?" And then I think, "Yup, she could change her mind." And then I think, "Nope, hardly likely, at least not in time to have to go through that mess of D."
Eventually you'll replace all that stuff with "what should I have for lunch today?" and "is this leg day, or chest/bicep day?" and "wow look at that checkout clerk, she's HOT"
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My heart aches to be reunited with a lying, cheating, selfish, manipulative b'tch. What is wrong with me?
You're loyal and faithful. How dare you be someone of character!
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Need more GAL. Need to get to a point where I can STAY at phase 2 and like it there. And then when she emails with a passive aggressive comment about not being able to access some account (because I changed it) I can just ignore it and move on with my day.
Text from W, says the bank won't let her take over the mortgage, asks if I am "open to discussing" being willing to co-own it for a couple more years. Umm...no. Did I not already make that clear? My response (avoiding NGS): "let me think about it." Her response: "The alternative is I have to sell it." So? Not my problem. I didn't respond to that second text.
This is an opportunity to hone my skills. What's my DB approach here? I know what I want and I'm getting a little better at just flat-out saying it. But some people have advised me to leave the negotiating to the L(s).
It obviously pokes a hole in her plans (and remember that I TOLD her more than a month ago that that was likely to be the case). I shouldn't be having any expectations about whether it will interfere with her fantasy or whether it will influence her feelings in any way.
Anything else I should remember to take into consideration? I really don't want to manipulate. I also don't want to be conciliatory, in the sense that I don't feel obligated to make this easy for her. Yet I also don't want to intentionally make it difficult. Honestly I feel kind of good that I didn't have to do anything and it's already starting to go the way I anticipated.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Text from W, says the bank won't let her take over the mortgage, asks if I am "open to discussing" being willing to co-own it for a couple more years. Umm...no. Did I not already make that clear? My response (avoiding NGS): "let me think about it." Her response: "The alternative is I have to sell it." So? Not my problem. I didn't respond to that second text.
This is an opportunity to hone my skills. What's my DB approach here?
My opinion? No, nope, I don't think so, HELL NO. There's really nothing there to think about. She wants a divorce, well by definition that means splitting up belongings and making a clean break. You are right, if she has to sell it that is not your problem.
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Anything else I should remember to take into consideration?
The irony of it. Tell her no and she will pout and mope, but inside a seed of respect will be planted. Tell her yes and she will lose what little respect for you might be left because she sees someone so desperate and clingy that he's willing to share a note with a woman that dumped him!
Business is business. If she can't assume the loan post-d you need to get off it otherwise you are liable if she doesn't pay. I would say either sell it and split the proceeds or assume the loan and rent it to her. Whatever works for you.
Personally if you can handle without the lawyers I'd say that's better, but I don't think that's the case for most people.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I would say either sell it and split the proceeds or assume the loan and rent it to her. Whatever works for you.
Personally if you can handle without the lawyers I'd say that's better, but I don't think that's the case for most people.
I've got experience with this as well. Given we built a brand new frickin house and just moved in, when my H said he wanted D I'm like, welp, what are we going to do about this business arrangement we just entered into?? I'm not sure if it will help, but I'll explain how this has gone down in my sitch:
In our case, it will COST us to sell because again, brand new. No equity. Still an option if we wanted to split the cost to sell.
Or, one of us could agree to keep it and refinance to remove the other person. That was the original plan, with me keeping it because unless he got a co-signer, he wouldn't be approved (and couldn't afford the payment) with just his salary. Unfortunately, I was able to get approved on my own just fine, but problems came as a result of the lenders all requiring a re-appraisal, and apparently the home appraises for significantly less right now than it did when we bought it, meaning the loan to value ratio would require I/we still put a huge chunk of cash toward the refinance for the bank to approve it.
Also, refinancing would suck in general because interest rates have continued to go up so I would be stuck with an even higher mortgage payment just to get his name off. But I was willing to do it if that's what I had to do.
So where we've ended up on this is as follows: one of the loan agents I talked to actually told me she had been in a very similar situation, and her and her XH basically agreed to keep both their names on the mortgage, because she mentioned you can just have it written into the divorce decree who is going to be financially responsible.
YES this does still mean the other person's credit could be affected if the person taking responsibility doesn't pay. But it simply offers documentation if the other person who is not wanting to be financially responsible then wants to go out and get a loan for a different house or a car or whatever - while the mortgage will still show up on the credit report, you can present the decree signed by a judge that says you're not responsible and then usually they will not "count" the mortgage for your new loan at that point.
Then whoever is keeping the house can have the decree state that the other person needs to transfer their title rights. So in my case, we'll write that I'm keeping financial responsibility but that title will be completely in my name so that if I do ever sell, H will not be entitled to the sale at that point since we'll be divorced and he's given that up.
I am agreeable to this arrangement, again from where I stand in my sitch, because I'm the one paying, so I'm not at risk. If anything it just kind of [censored] that his credit will continue to be built up because of my good payment history H readily agreed to this, I think because he knows I'm reliable and won't ruin his credit without ruining mine. In your case, if the script is flipped, you don't want to keep the house, she can't take it over... I mean it will either come down to getting creative with potential roommates/cosigners for her, or yes, selling it and splitting the profit.
In any case I empathize with not wanting to make it "easy"/without consequences, but also not wanting to fight. I hate that H is the one who wants D, but I'm "stuck" with all the house stuff now and he's basically been able to just walk away. But for me, it was the only path forward that was reasonable financially given the house is so new. I suppose I could have told him no, I don't want to pay for this house we entered into TOGETHER on my own, so you need to figure something out, but I was at a point emotionally where I just wanted resolution to whether he was going to move out or not.
I guess even THEN I could have told him I still expected him to help pay for the house until HE figures out a solution that we can both agree to. Ultimately in my case I just don't think there was any other feasible solution that wasn't going to cost us both a lot of money, and I came to the conclusion that holding the house over his head wasn't going to do any good in trying to keep him in the relationship. Looking back on it now maybe that was too much NGS? Maybe I should have been more forceful about not wanting to take full financial responsibility even if I CAN.
My H does, however, get to sit with the fact that he sunk a big chunk of cash into it that he will never get back I guess, once he signs off the title.
As Twofeet mentioned - this is VERY much a good idea to figure out without lawyers. I'm not sure what your state laws are, but I live in a community property state. As long as we agree, we can agree on whatever, but if not, a lawyer is going to do things to make the split equitable, which will likely cause disagreements, and cost you both a lot MORE money in lawyer fees. That doesn't mean it's not a good idea consult with one about your rights, if you're worried about options or what you're entitled to. But I think if it comes down to it, you'd want to present those facts to W in a pragmatic way to agree to it together vs. it being done through lawyers.
As another example from my sitch - because I'm agreeing to keep the house, legally I could be required to buy him out of it with something like half of my 401k. So far he hasn't mentioned wanting any kind of buyout and I don't think he would start that kind of nonsense because we both also agreed we don't want to spend even more money on lawyers, and if he were to try to ask me for my money after everything he's done to me I would probably be like eff it, if you're going to to do this I'm going to put a dent in your finances by making us go through lawyers to where you will be paying to get what you want.
I also don't live in an alimony state (I suspect his ego might be too big to ask for spousal support, and we'd have had to have been married 10 years for that anyway). But again, I don't know your state laws or your personal financial situations. Just things to consider if you decide to get lawyers involved. It could be of benefit depending on which side of the fence you sit, but you definitely have to weigh how much you would lose to the lawyer fees.
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
Business is business. If she can't assume the loan post-d you need to get off it otherwise you are liable if she doesn't pay. I would say either sell it and split the proceeds or assume the loan and rent it to her. Whatever works for you.Personally if you can handle without the lawyers I'd say that's better, but I don't think that's the case for most people.
The question is what do you want. Ignore her - what do you want? What is financially better for you? What is emotionally better for you?
I live in our marital home. I pay the mortgage (I always have). I cannot afford to buy him out and am hoping (if he doesn't come home) then his better angels win over and he doesn't force me to sell. This is our children's home and the best thing for them is to stay put (the less their lives change the better). [censored] for me - I am effectively making him money and letting him continue to cake eat, but it is better for my kids. In the long run, once I get over the fact that he left me, it is better for me too - our house is a sound investment.
H readily agreed to this, I think because he knows I'm reliable and won't ruin his credit without ruining mine. In your case, if the script is flipped, you don't want to keep the house, she can't take it over... I mean it will either come down to getting creative with potential roommates/cosigners for her, or yes, selling it and splitting the profit.