will this thread last more than 5 days? (burned)

[burned]

We're in this together.

Quite a relief to hear from you. Been feeling guilty all morning. Yes, we're in this together, meaning you're stuck with me, sorry. I'm a hothead, and my next 180 will be being much more careful about what I say and how I say it.

[Phoenix9]

I'm a hothead.

You and me both.

Iron sharpens iron. That's how we learn and make us better.

[AnotherStander]

Burned, sounds like a great day and like you're starting to remember who you are! The up days will come and go at first but soon you'll find that the good days outweigh the bad

[burned]

soon you'll find that the good days outweigh the bad

Yeah. I'm looking forward to more days like that. The problem is that then I go to sleep and the day is over.

I had W dreams all night. Then today she texted about some financial issue related to her D preparation. And then on FB she posted about a huge milestone she achieved on a project she has been working on for the past year, all proud and bubbly and happy and excited. Still using my last name on there. No one has a clue what's going on behind the scenes.

For whatever reason, or maybe because she's only projecting the positive and hiding the negative, it just seems like she has been much happier since S. Maybe things are going well with OM or without any OM or whatever.

So I remind myself of what we've covered here: she is a lying cheater; she doesn't know what she wants but she's doing this stuff to convince herself that she's doing the right thing; she is that way now, but it might change; she will stick to her guns and give no indication of wavering; she might file for D and keep on pushing until she gets what she wants. And then she might still someday change her mind.

I just hope by the time "someday" rolls around I'll be having more of those good days, so that it doesn't bother me quite as much. Still working on that detachment, apparently. Time...more time...more space...

[neffer]

Man, it seems you are boycotting your own detaching. There’s no need to be snooping on social media. Then you start mind reading. Give your mind a rest. Get into some meditation, start knowing yourself so as to choose things to fulfil your actual life. You need to help yourself B.

Better times are coming man, PMA. Keep DB!

[Twofeet]

Burninator,

My W kept my last name. It's just easier and takes no effort. Plus in my case we have 3 kids so it makes sense. My point? Don't worry about it.

Why are you looking at her FB?

Why do you care about some meaningless school project?

Why do you care if she is fronting her problems with supposed happiness?

WHY DO YOU CARE?

If it doesn't deal with D, finances or something specifically to you and your sitch, you are wasting valuable time, energy, and brainwaves on her. Cause trust me B she isn't reciprocating. Move forward B!

[TJT]

No one has a clue what's going on behind the scenes.

This is same with my H, although he has stopped his activity on SM, I'm sure to hide what's really going on in his life. But aside from the friend he and his son are now living with and his parents (who I forced him to tell, and I have admitted before that may have been a bad choice, but I was struggling bad and needed people to know what he was doing to me) I guarantee nobody else knows what he's doing.

I've been curious as to whether the people at his work know what's been going on with him and OW now, because it would still be super weird as an outsider, in my opinion, to see what he's doing. But I've stopped worrying about it, mostly (I won't pretend to be perfect on that front but I do realize more and more every day that it will come out eventually).

So I remind myself of what we've covered here: she is a lying cheater; she doesn't know what she wants but she's doing this stuff to convince herself that she's doing the right thing; she is that way now, but it might change; she will stick to her guns and give no indication of wavering; she might file for D and keep on pushing until she gets what she wants. And then she might still someday change her mind.

Exactly my thinking and approach.

I just hope by the time "someday" rolls around I'll be having more of those good days, so that it doesn't bother me quite as much. Still working on that detachment, apparently. Time...more time...more space...

I was thinking about this today too... like if it happens, even right now, would I really feel like I THINK I would feel? Or am I perhaps at a point where maybe I actually would be a little more like...hmmm, let me think. I have no doubt I would try to go forward with R at this point but I'm just saying, I do feel some small, small shifts in my mentality, definitely helped by time.

The more time that goes by, I do believe the stronger we'll get...but I think we also actively resist that thought because in a way, it's also scary to think someday WE will grow out of something that we know we would have done anything for at some point.

[AnotherStander]

And then on FB she posted about a huge milestone she achieved on a project she has been working on for the past year, all proud and bubbly and happy and excited.

So let me get this right, you are actually bummed out that she is happy? Be happy for her. Even if you don't recon why would you not want to wish happiness on her. YOU should be happy no matter how she feels. THAT is detachment.

Still using my last name on there.

And that brings you down too? I can see it now, "today was a really bad day, I noticed my W changed her last name on FB". In other words you are down and depressed about her NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES. You really need to work on that detachment! I agree with Neffer and Twofeet, you need to get the hell off of FB. Literally nothing you see her post is going to do anything but put you in a bad mood.

For whatever reason, or maybe because she's only projecting the positive and hiding the negative, it just seems like she has been much happier since S.

People (and women in particular) have a way of painting a super rosy picture on social media even when they are falling apart IRL. So you really can't use that as a basis for determining how happy she is. But even if she is happy, so what. Her moping around and being sad and depressed is not going to bring her back to you. My ex seems pretty happy recently, and she has reached out to me a lot more now that she seems to be doing better.

[burned]

you are down and depressed about her NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES. You really need to work on that detachment!

Yeppers. But man, things sneak up on me! Example: there are some people working out downstairs listening to 80s hits. They were playing Journey, and of course "Don't Stop Believin'" was the song W and I always sang at karaoke. Woe is me, blah blah. Oh but just now it switched to Van Halen, which reminds me of my first GF who was a major hottie. Gotta find another one of those.

People (and women in particular) have a way of painting a super rosy picture on social media even when they are falling apart IRL. So you really can't use that as a basis for determining how happy she is.

Has always been true for her. I shouldn't have fallen for it.

I think we're all in agreement, FB is off limits until further notice. Meeting adjourned.

[TJT]

So... I read a thing on the elephant journal about how detachment can actually be bad for us in some ways if it results in ultra suppression of our feelings. I'm not sure what the rules are about linking to other things so I won't do it here unless someone asks, but it made a lot of sense.

I just say that because while I get the value of not basing our happiness on the actions of others, I also don't think it's reasonable to "strive", per se, to not be emotionally impacted by someone we were once deeply emotionally entwined with. And never "attaching" to someone so that the hurt doesn't happen again doesn't seem to be right either.

I do think it's a process and if people are pushed to "detach" too quickly, it could result in more harm by those feelings not getting acknowledged..no to sound all cliche about it. And I know someone will re-define what detaching is supposed to be but I'm just observing that many times we get chastised for the emotions we're feeling under the premise of "you need to detach", and while yes, ultimately that's what we want, perhaps feeling the feelings is part of getting there?

I'm getting too deep now at end of day... that is all.