Chapter 9. Advantage to reading quickly and retaining a lot of it. Rereading... we will see how well that goes.
Anyway what I have read so far between the DR book and the forums with Gordie and all the others is I have a lot to learn and do. Part of me, a large part, is her claim too little too late is what I am fighting against. I so do not want this to be a self fulfilling prophecy. Instances of that would be great for playing the Lotto but not here. Downright bad stuff. So how do I go about flipping that?
I have not been all that consistent with my prayers. I am regretting that. I so want to talk to her. There are bills that I can't cover on my own and she hasn't been contributing enough. Eggshells and worried about pushing her more toward D. Which has a cat herding session in just over 2 weeks. Need to get some paperwork to my L. Who hasn't been riding my case or sharing much from W's lawyer. Could be nothing to report. What to do, what to do.
MiL is in the Philippines. Saw a picture of her with one of her many daughters. Only haven't met one of them I think. She seems happy. Return date is unknown. She would very much like to live with us. She knows about what is going on. Not sure what she understands about this though.
When my W and her siblings were late teens, they family moved to Manila without her Dad. There was property to watch over and the local terrorist group was getting more active. What did this play in my W's relationship with her Dad? I have not a clue. Like a lot of thins about her growing up.
Another thing that Gordie mentioned was wanting his wife vs needing. I so do want her. Not sure if this is blended with needing her. I hope not. If it is then I have a lot more to do than I suspected. Ughh.
Jury duty next week at the serious criminal courthouse. The one everyone on jury duty dreads. If you know what I mean. My supervisor is allowing for a week even though I have only the one day to be there. Hey... rope is cheap and reusable. Yes... I am serious about that. Cheerful thought to start my afternoon isn't it?
Hmmm... my writing is showing signs of leaving behind the stream of conscious and into more thought out ideas. I hope that helps all of you as much as it helps me. Personal improvement.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
"My client really does not want a divorce from his wife. He would very much like to continue the case to the reconciliation call, or even dismiss it altogether.
All of that said, rather than proceed with expensive litigation, would you and your client consider a four way conference? Please advise."
From my L to her L. Not sure how this will play out but I'd like to see my W at least move in this direction. Of course what the L describe as reconciliation might not be what non L among us think of.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
W can be incredibly stubborn and when she says something she generally means it. So when she said never getting back together... Does that fit into the believe nothing they say and half of what they do? I mean she hasn't moved out of the house. We don't talk to each other worth mentioning. Maybe I am playing that amount down. Got to think about that one.
Am I wasting my time on trying to save the whole thing and this is now just for me?
As neffer said, this is all you. I wouldn't believe what they say. last month my W said the same thing she wanted D, no chance for R, then she switched up and said she don't want D but don't want R either. What do you think I'm going to be doing if she ever mentions R? Think I'm going to accept it easily or don't believe anything they say?
Turbine, keep posting and keep reading. I also have a lot of reading to catch up on. and whats that deal with the drive way? I missed it somewhere. I know some of the threads, its been a bugger.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Turbine...it should only be just for you. You cannot save your marriage. It is done. Maybe in the future you can have a new R but you cannot control that. All you can control is you. For your sake, keep working on detachment. My H is dead set on D. His feelings could change...anything his possible. But I would be a complete idiot to count on that so I am continuing to detach and work on me so I am ready for whatever the future holds for me. Stop thinking of this as a strategy to get her back and start thinking of it as a strategy to get YOU back.
I really have to stop checking stuff in the middle of the night. Wake up for a head call (bathroom for you non Navy folk) and quick hop online.
Adam04, The driveway was brought up because Sunday night to Monday morning we got a snow storm come though. I live near a major city that has a gun control fetish. That can be discussed another time... or not at all... I digress. So in the morning I had gotten up and started clearing the driveway. Had a late start at work because of the storm. When I got home I hoped that my BiL had cleared some more of the end of the driveway. The city had kindly plowed but if you deal with snow you understand the plows pile stuff up as much as move it. He hadn't nor had W. (Hey she wants to be independent so shoveling should be fair game) In her defense she had cleaned off my car while I was shoveling. Not equal division of labor but that would be counting and keeping score. That she did that was nice of her. Minor plus that means she can be nice. To me. Long term? Not an indicator at all of anything.
DejaVu6, The quote is part of the email my L sent her L and copied me on. There went some $$$ I would rather have put toward other expenses or toward my W. I know, right now anything like that would be wasted. doesn't mean I can't have thoughts like that about how the $$$ is spent. Early in meeting with my L, I had expressed the desire to not get a D, work it out, etc... I have not told her ( my L) about this or my efforts to GAL. Although she has said in her experience she has seen things get dropped at any point including up to the last minute. She also recommended to stop the chase, give her room, etc. Has she read or heard of MWD and DBing? I don't know. Could be experience. At this point I hope W and I can reconcile. I, in no way shape or form want to return to MR 1.0, Turbine 1.0 or W ver ??? What I would like, as would almost everyone here is that new R 2.0 or MR 2.0. Preferably with Mrs. Turbine (the current physical one) and we realize and really put the effort into it. Both of us, without keeping score. Without getting off into the weeds and getting complacent. Is this better?
So I had a okay text exchange with my sister. There are far more times those exchanges are frustrating. This wasn't one of them. She asked me if I had ever watched the reality show "Below Decks". In case you don't know it is on a charter yacht and covers the weekly excursions the crew has to deal with and the interactions between the guests and mostly the crew. Not sure what that says about the charter yacht business when you have to supplement income by going reality TV. Anyway the one crew and yacht went to Tahiti. Sister commented about how beautiful it was there and wondered if anyone realized it. Of course when the door is open or you get a softball pitch... so I replied Tahitians. Okay, probably funnier to read.
Okay... now almost 0400. Alarm set for 0500. Can I get back to sleep for a hour? Is it worth it? IDK. Got church tonight and I really don't want to risk falling asleep there. I get there early enough that I sit in the front row. Usually first one into the pew. Seating is separated by sex, fill in front to rear from the center out. Orderly service and all that. worked when we got married because otherwise half of the church would have been rather empty. My wife came here and didn't have any family here. so her side would have been anyone from church or friends (same thing at first).
So yes I will keep working on me. If the email sent by the L gets positive results great. If the email from the L gets negative results not great. Won't change how I feel, my goals or what I am doing. Which is making me better. Better shape, better mindset. I want my wife. Not I need my wife.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
I so hate those sleepless nights Turbine. I find my mindset gets negatively impacted when it hasn’t had enough time to shut off. I had a headache all night so today is also going to be a long day for me. I really hope you can reconcile as well... I hope that for all of the people on here who are actively working towards bettering themselves. Sadly...I know that the majority of us will likely move on to a D and to other relationships. The relationship I am trying to focus most on these days is the relationship I have with myself and I think it is a relationship that is most important and will see me through the tough times. Keep pushing forward Turbine. You will get there. (((Turbine)))
Thanks for the support and hugs. I spent 12 years in the Navy but that was long ago. Still some habits are so ingrained that they never leave. Short sleep hours or an irregular schedule. Paying attention to ow things sound where I am. How I tell time, answer correct instead of right.
Everyone,
Caught up to Gordie's thread #12. so much to absorb and look at for what to do and not to do. Really interested in how his story is now. But jumping ahead would be like reading a mystery novel last chapter and then reading the whole book. In this case the journey is more important. All of our journeys actually.
Still not very detached. W is always on my mind. Nostalgia? Grieving? Wishful thinking? Who knows...
I miss her. Talking to her. Just being with her and doing stuff. Not the arguing or disagreements that got out of hand. This morning I had cleaned of her car and warned her about the driveway being slippery. No response. Trying to be friendly neighbor. Do I have expectations? Would you believe me is I said I didn't and don't? If so I have a bridge we can talk about. Famous bridge... really flexible too.
So are my posts getting better? To write or to read? I can only answer about the write side of it. That part is yea, a little bit easier.
So I pray now, far more than I did for a long time. Part of what I pray for is a stronger relationship with God and Jesus. I pray for a stronger love for my W. I pray her heart is softened and we turn from this path. I pray that what I ask is in accordance with His plan and that I accept his Plan even if it isn't what I would like to see.
Feeling a lot calmer most days. That's a good thing. having to do the D paperwork... you all know how that feels.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Where to start. How about with that free fall just above this.
Work is being work. Some of it I can autopilot. Scary but true. I have tested dozens if not more than a hundred of this particular meter. Its popular, what can I say. I'll skip the sales pitch because that ain't my job. I test 'em not sell 'em. So there has been a series of people leaving. Two by choice and two not by their own choice. I am not one of them. Thank God.
Although my younger D has suggested I apply at a national research lab near us under their veteran internship program. I could apply for either the electrical or mechanical technician positions. Yup, I am that versatile. Navy trained me as a mechanic for the engine rooms and part of that got me stationed aboard The Big E, USS Enterprise, CVN-65. Now decommissioned and the name is going on the second Gerald R. Ford class aircraft carrier. That ship is why and how I met my wife. Got memories both good and bad about that ship. The people too.
One of my best friends I met there. In truth I should be saying my best friend I met while assigned to that ship. The wonderful lady I met and who is now causing so much turmoil in our lives. Not true. I had my part in making this turmoil. Not all of it but definitely I need to own up to that.
As I have said, I am reading Gordie's threads as well as a few others. Right now though most of my reading is that one. So coupled with what he writes and applying it to my own sitch, I found myself going into a tailspin. Not anyone's fault but mine. W is too much in my head. So I guess that means I am really bad at detaching or something.
So that is why the above post is the hot panicky sounding mess it is. I let myself get rattled by outside forces and that nice stagecoach team turned into a 50 chihuahua dog sled team.
Sorry, I have the urge to watch a bunch of John Wayne westerns. Movies my Dad liked as well. No. I am not sorry. I have to change that. I am always apologizing for practically everything. I have been doing that for so long it must be part of my DNA. Comes across as timid and uncertain.
I am a smart guy. I can learn new things if I put my mind to it. Things I want to learn now. Tagalog. At least to read if not speak it. My W's language (actually one of five) and I should have long ago. So, what have i done to address that? I am getting a word a day email. I am getting cheat sheets with phrases on it. I am asking my coworker, nieces, nephews, and family, members at church as a way to practice.
I am working on making myself more physically fit. I am working out and not only can my kids see a difference but I can feel the difference. Something my W complained about was not going with her for this. Will it get her back? Not the reason to do this. My dad had a bad heart and kidneys. Some of that runs in the family. My kids want me to avoid that poor health later like my dad had. Dialysis three times a week just sapped him of his strength. Living with my sister didn't help. Missing Mom didn't either. Married 52 years. I want that. with my W.
Will it happen? Don't we all want that at first? Even get that result? Well I want that.
Much of my technical training in the Navy was brutal. Very high academic drop rate. First test period I had a failing grade, just below the cut off. I brought my grade up every test period after that until I left the classroom phase. I completed my training with the oral examination less than 24 hours before we were getting our orders to a duty station. The point of this? I KNOW what I can do. Was that tough? Oh yes it was. I need that now so time to dig.
Do I feel better now? Yes, even before I started this post. So this weekend I am going to take care of some things, move some $$$ and contact the phone coaches. This is getting to wild and I need another and new perspective.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
