The only thing that threw me today was that he had put his flat into his satnav as "home". I guess a part of me still thinks of this as his home.
This made me a little sad. We spend our entire married lives trying to build a home for our family, and they seem to so easily abandon it. Makes me wonder what my H thinks about his furnished apartment. I hope he's unhappy there. Just the little part of me that hopes he suffers alone. Terrible thoughts, and I usually pray about it when I have them. I don't want hurtful things to creep into me. I don't want to be that person. 90% of the time I'm not. I want H to be happy as I don't think he has for many, many years. Maybe he hasn't been for most of his entire life. But the black thoughts creep in from time to time.
I feel the same way Grace. Most of the time I hope he is better, but some of the time I hope he is suffering alone too. Did some Christmas shopping today. It was tough. My heart really isn’t in it this year. Just want to hit the fast forward button and get it over with. I’m also having a New Year’s party. Heart is also not that in it but...it is better than sitting around wondering what my H is doing and who he is kissing at midnight. Funny... we spent last New Year’s Eve together in Mexico but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t home for two or three New Year’s before that. I thought he was getting medical treatment. I will never know what he was really doing. Probably at a party of friends he never introduced to me. Wow. He really was not a good husband. He also missed a couple of Christmases and Christmas Eves. I spent the latter with his family members. So I guess I shouldn’t be too upset about this year. It is what I am used to.
FS... It struck me reading your post that your H is really enjoying the best of both worlds. I totally get it because I would probably be okay if my H wanted to hang out with me and the kids more too. But still... he is leading the single life AND he is leading the married life. I think my H has likely changed his address for some things as he isn’t getting much mail here these days. I guess it is practical. Still... one more step... (((HUGS)))
DV - yes, he very much is getting to enjoy the best of both worlds. I am not as motivated to spend time with him as I was, it is more the children now, and I think he knows. He has them 4 nights this month and I know there is no way he is away for work 27 nights. He is seeing them a lot during the days (pretty much every sat and Sunday) and at least three weekdays but he is definitely leaving his nights free. Some of that I suspect is to stop me from going out but some of it is so he can go out. Control and selfishness. It will stop in the new year. Though I know he will retailiate by “taking some of the privileges” away like lifts and family time. He is a [censored] that way. It may even backfire and I usu us closer to D. I am (for tonight) at peace with this.
Grace - that is exactly why it hurt. This beautiful home he wanted and I paid for he has just thrown away for a bachelor pad in the middle of town. A bachelor pad with fairy stickers on the wall in the living room and every surface covered in photos of his children. He really does not know what he wants.
I’ve been kept awake by some of the things he said today. The satnav thing and the constant nagging about our dog. He also insinuated that he he kids aren’t bathing enough. They miss the odd day due to clubs and homework but that has always been the case. Yesterday he said when he left “can you make sure you walk [the dog]” (I didn’t) and I told him so today when he asked. I then got you never walk her, she’s your dog too. I leave before it gets light normally and do t get back until it’s dark and yesterday I was unwell. But I am beyond defending myself now so just let him have his little hissy then walked away. He is always asking if one nanny walks her (sometimes) and I just want to say to him “she’s my nanny and you don’t get a say in what she does). The using my childhood against me is also getting me riled up and I have been going through the 5 things I should have said instead of what I did say which was nothing. I guess if I was looking for patterns this was how he behaved during our marriage. It got extreme before he MO then he started 180’g. Now it is starting to creep back in. At first he same time as I am starting to detach properly. Honestly I am detaching (despite this lengthy post) but this guess it is having the opposite effect. Or perhaps this is my real H and I am finally seeing him more clearly. I don’t know. Right now I don’t like him very much.
I have put the watch he bought me for our 10 year anniversary back on. I know what message it sends, but honestly, I love this watch. When I took it off it was because I couldn’t bare to wear it. F**k that. It doesn’t hurt anymore.
I’ve been kept awake by some of the things he said today. The satnav thing and the constant nagging about our dog. He also insinuated that he he kids aren’t bathing enough. They miss the odd day due to clubs and homework but that has always been the case.
Last night my older S10 was with me while W and S6 were at BIL for a sleepover. S10 was supposed to take a shower last night. Told him a couple times, didn't re-enforce. S didn't want to shower, that's on his stinky butt. W comes home and sees his matted hair and asks him if he's showered and he looks at me. I go whoa there buddy, that's on you. She said something like he's going to start getting pimples. I said and this is all the more reason why he needs to be doing this for himself. We do not need to keep telling him what he alrdy knows he needs to do. I told her he needs to start being accountable for his actions.
(So later as she left the room I told him boy go get your stanky butt in the shower.)
Originally Posted by FlySolo
F**k that. It doesn’t hurt anymore.
LOL @ this.
I don't feel sad anymore, but … August was BD, my 14th Anni was in Oct. This was before I found DB. I bought my W a nice diamond necklace because it was our Anni and I made a scrapbook(from the UP movie, there's adventure out there) of our lives, with pix from when we met as kids, to our wedding, the births of our 2 boys, our home we're in now being built, to trips and pictures of our families and the fun life we had. There was a note I left with the rest of the pages in the scrapbook empty in hopes we could continue filling it one day...
I remember placing the items on the bed for her to find later. She eventually told me thank you in a dull tone. I don't even remember if we said happy anniversary or texted, but all I could remember is she said, you can not make me feel guilty for this. Never wore the necklace, I didn't push. The book is laid out in a pile of clothes as she is living out of a suitcase in the other room.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
FS... sounds like you are definitely starting to see things in a different light. Personally...I am really hoping to get to that point soon. I think it is fine to wear your watch. If you love it, who cares that he gave it to you. All that nitpicking about your dog and the girls...it’s just sour grapes. He feels like he is losing you and he’s trying to provoke you. I think you are doing a great job not taking the bait. Keep it up.
S didn't want to shower, that's on his stinky butt. W comes home and sees his matted hair and asks him if he's showered and he looks at me ... I said and this is all the more reason why he needs to be doing this for himself. We do not need to keep telling him what he alrdy knows he needs to do. I told her he needs to start being accountable for his actions. (So later as she left the room I told him boy go get your stanky butt in the shower.)
I like this. I think I will try it next time he has a go about something D12's lost or homework that's not been prepared. I have in the past gotten defensive .... "we didn't have time" ... "I asked her to do it". But your way sounds much controlled. And you're right. They are old enough to do things for themselves.
Originally Posted by Adam04
I remember placing the items on the bed for her to find later. She eventually told me thank you in a dull tone. I don't even remember if we said happy anniversary or texted, but all I could remember is she said, you can not make me feel guilty for this. Never wore the necklace, I didn't push. The book is laid out in a pile of clothes as she is living out of a suitcase in the other room.
We all do this to some degree. I think it is a response to the 'rewriting history' thing they do. We want to show them that it wasn't what they remembered, there were some good times, there was real love. But they don't want to listen. They turn it against us ... "don't make me feel guilty". I never went so far as to make a scrap book, but during MC I tried to remind him of things we'd done together. I'd say "remember when we went to X" and he'd go "yeah, you had your head in a book the whole time". They don't want to listen to any narrative which doesn't validate what they've already decided in their heads. FYI - about a month after he'd MO I refused to let him drive me home after a day out. When we got back, I apologized for being childish. He sat there and took it. I told him I was just really hurt and didn't know how to act around him. He sat there and took it. I asked him why he had said all those horrible things during MC and he said "because I needed to validate what I was feeling". So on some level they know what they're doing. They just can't help it. We don't need to remind them. Also, I think that was one of the few times he was honest with me. I think, after a month of living on his own what he had done was finally starting to hit him. It didn't change anything. Too much momentum.
He has just left with the girls. I opened the door and the first thing he said was "Are they ready?". He did mention that the decorations looked nice (I put them up yesterday). He said "You've done a good job" and I said "thanks". There are Christmas pictures I put up of us every year. I left them in one of the boxes. He saw them and didn't say anything.
Your post really struck a chord with me FS. The rewriting history...it is a big part of it. And also there being too much momentum. That is ultimately what pushed my H out the door. He felt like he had done the hard part (leaving) and that he needed to push forward regardless of any contradictory feelings he might have been having. He has been contemplating this for so long and shutting down his heart, he could not imagine ever feeling any different. So...here we are. Yes...lots unsaid. But also pointless to say it in some ways. I still think this is not over for you and him. But I also know that you need to continue on your forced journey just like I do. It s#cks. Things could so easily be different. But they aren’t and this is our reality. Stay strong. You are doing great!! (((FS)))
I don't even know where to start tonight. D12 left her footie kit at home and had a game after school so MIL had to go pick it up and drop it off at the school. As she was already in town she offered to pick up the girls from school (so I didn't have to rush back from work).
When I got in we were all sitting in the kitchen and MIL was joking around with D12 and said "Oh, that Daddy is useless". D12 then giggled and said "That's what Daddy says about Mummy". Red flag to a bull. I sat there for a while staring into my coffee, seething, then sent him the following text:
M: "H - The girls have just told me that you refer to me as useless in front of them. I appreciate that you have zero respect for me but that doesn't mean you should teach the children the same. I make an effort to make sure that they children are always excited to see you and expect you to behave the same. Please don't do it again".
H: "I'm sorry. I've said it once & that was said in the context of packing stuff for them. Hardly a lack of respect but I will be more careful in the future".
M: "It seems the girls disagree with you. You show me the same level of disrespect in front of them even when I a am there. I have come to accept that you have zero respect for me, but please try to keep it in check when the girls are present"
H: "And what exactly do they say because I don't know what/when they're referring to".
M: "Doesn't matter. They don't know I've said anything to you so would appreciate you not upsetting them. Just keep your temper in check in the future when they are present".
So, is that me getting my b@lls back or is that me scoring a home goal.
DV - I sit here and think why are we waiting for these people. We deserve so much better.
H: "I'm sorry, I realize I shouldn't say stuff like that in front of them so will make sure it doesn't happen again. Please don't think I curse about you constantly because that's not the case, I know you're a good mum".
Ugh. We really do deserve better FS. I’m not sure if I am waiting or not. I know that I am grieving and I’ve come to realize that no matter how hard I work at it, there is not short cut to getting past it. It took my H over four years. Why should I expect to be past it in two and a half months? Thirteen years is a long time to be with someone and for you it was longer. That just doesn’t go away overnight. Give yourself a break. Leave him to his monkeys. (((HUGS)))
