Wanted, Just wanted to offer some reassurance to you regarding the move out. I had a fortunate opportunity with th ein laws going on a 40 day cruise. I didn't force but firmly suggested W go stay there while they were away. There were some bumps getting a child minding schedule set up but it settled down and while not ideal for the kids right now it is working. I can tell you that I am now dreading the day the in laws return and W has to come back home. It is all what you make it but life by yourself is not bad, actually I would say it is better. It gives you the freedom to do as you please, it gives you freedom from all the chaos of the situation. It allows you time to really process everything and really focus on yourself and not the sitch. It has really helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to letting go and detachment. I'm just speculating but I think it benefits the WAS as well. It allows them some time to get a taste of what life without you is actually like, it likely also gives them some time to grasp the reality of what they are doing, just guesses though.
Catching up on your sitch I really think that her moving out would probably be the best thing for you. I know it's tough to see it but for your sanity and mental well being I really believe it would be a better option at this point.
Wanted, Just wanted to offer some reassurance to you regarding the move out. I had a fortunate opportunity with th ein laws going on a 40 day cruise. I didn't force but firmly suggested W go stay there while they were away. There were some bumps getting a child minding schedule set up but it settled down and while not ideal for the kids right now it is working. I can tell you that I am now dreading the day the in laws return and W has to come back home. It is all what you make it but life by yourself is not bad, actually I would say it is better. It gives you the freedom to do as you please, it gives you freedom from all the chaos of the situation. It allows you time to really process everything and really focus on yourself and not the sitch. It has really helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to letting go and detachment. I'm just speculating but I think it benefits the WAS as well. It allows them some time to get a taste of what life without you is actually like, it likely also gives them some time to grasp the reality of what they are doing, just guesses though.
Catching up on your sitch I really think that her moving out would probably be the best thing for you. I know it's tough to see it but for your sanity and mental well being I really believe it would be a better option at this point.
Thanks for the reassurances, RH. I really do appreciate them. I think everything you said is completely accurate. We weren't getting anywhere with the IHS. Seeing me everyday I'm sure was a constant reminder of whatever she resented me for. And then I didn't do myself any favors my continuing to talk to her about the M. I really screwed up big time in that department.
If you've read my sitch from the beginning, you will have probably picked up on the fact that my W has a lot of her own personal stuff to work through, heal from and some self-discovery that needs to take place. While she claims she's making leaps and bounds in that department, I don't think that can be the case in such a short time. And her actions of communicating with OM for about 5 weeks after the BD and then communicating with the other OM from earlier this year yesterday tells me she isn't as far along in the process she needs to go through as she probably realizes.
I have no doubts that the physical S will definitely help me detach. She's is a gorgeous woman, so seeing her every day hurts knowing I can't be with her. It might be the actual time and space she has said she needs that she hasn't really been afforded due to living together and continuing to care for our 3 kids. And like I said before, my continuing to go to her with my thoughts and feelings up until about 2-3 weeks ago didn't help one bit either.
Maybe this will make her miss me and the life she had with all of us together and maybe not. That's something I can't control and will not let myself worry about. I'm going to focus on moving forward by detaching. Like I told Steve, if the opportunity for R presents itself, I would rather be pleasantly surprised by it than be counting on it or expecting it. If it's meant to be, that will happen. If not, I'm going to start the process of becoming a better version of myself for my next R.
Last edited by Wanted1; 11/28/1807:22 PM.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Wanted, Just wanted to offer some reassurance to you regarding the move out. I had a fortunate opportunity with th ein laws going on a 40 day cruise. I didn't force but firmly suggested W go stay there while they were away. There were some bumps getting a child minding schedule set up but it settled down and while not ideal for the kids right now it is working. I can tell you that I am now dreading the day the in laws return and W has to come back home. It is all what you make it but life by yourself is not bad, actually I would say it is better. It gives you the freedom to do as you please, it gives you freedom from all the chaos of the situation. It allows you time to really process everything and really focus on yourself and not the sitch. It has really helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to letting go and detachment. I'm just speculating but I think it benefits the WAS as well. It allows them some time to get a taste of what life without you is actually like, it likely also gives them some time to grasp the reality of what they are doing, just guesses though.
Catching up on your sitch I really think that her moving out would probably be the best thing for you. I know it's tough to see it but for your sanity and mental well being I really believe it would be a better option at this point.
Yeah, well said. I was super panicky about my ex leaving. I told her I was supporting her decision no matter what but man, it was the last thing in the world I wanted. I was scared it was the end, scared I couldn't do it on my own, scared I would be crushed financially, scared of... well everything. Panic attacks ruled the day. The first week she was gone I had the kids and it didn't seem that bad. The next week she had the kids AND the dogs and I never felt so utterly alone in my life. It was horrible I just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. Everywhere in the house I went there were just constant reminders of the family that wasn't there anymore. To combat those feelings I went out and GAL'd my heart out. I occupied every moment with something, anything. At first I could still not think about anything but my family. But as time went on, and I had my kids again for a week, then not, then again and on and on my GAL went and it didn't seem so bad anymore. And soon I was like "wow, I can stretch out in the whole bed, it's all mine now!" and I was like "tonight I don't feel like doing anything except sitting and watching movies, and W isn't here to make me feel guilty for having the surround sound up too high so I'm cranking it" and "it's 10 pm and I want to work out, and hey it's only me here so off I go!" and "I wish I could just drop everything and go for a motorcycle ride. Oh wait, I can!" And man there's an R/C fly-in this weekend, I wish I could go, oh yeah I can, I am there!" The point being at first you'll miss your family life, but it's also really, really nice to have time to yourself to do WHATEVER YOU WANT. I had not had that for 20 years and suddenly I did, and at first it was scary, but eventually it was exhilarating. I love my alone time so much now that I can't imagine ever getting married again.
I think if LBS's could see the big picture they wouldn't be so sad and forlorn and clingy. If they could see what their life without the WAS looks like, and that not only is it not-so-bad but might even be pretty darned great, they would let go a lot sooner. Paradoxically that's exactly what they need to do to possibly win the WAS back. But fear prevents them from doing it.
Wanted, Just wanted to offer some reassurance to you regarding the move out. I had a fortunate opportunity with th ein laws going on a 40 day cruise. I didn't force but firmly suggested W go stay there while they were away. There were some bumps getting a child minding schedule set up but it settled down and while not ideal for the kids right now it is working. I can tell you that I am now dreading the day the in laws return and W has to come back home. It is all what you make it but life by yourself is not bad, actually I would say it is better. It gives you the freedom to do as you please, it gives you freedom from all the chaos of the situation. It allows you time to really process everything and really focus on yourself and not the sitch. It has really helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to letting go and detachment. I'm just speculating but I think it benefits the WAS as well. It allows them some time to get a taste of what life without you is actually like, it likely also gives them some time to grasp the reality of what they are doing, just guesses though.
Catching up on your sitch I really think that her moving out would probably be the best thing for you. I know it's tough to see it but for your sanity and mental well being I really believe it would be a better option at this point.
Yeah, well said. I was super panicky about my ex leaving. I told her I was supporting her decision no matter what but man, it was the last thing in the world I wanted. I was scared it was the end, scared I couldn't do it on my own, scared I would be crushed financially, scared of... well everything. Panic attacks ruled the day. The first week she was gone I had the kids and it didn't seem that bad. The next week she had the kids AND the dogs and I never felt so utterly alone in my life. It was horrible I just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. Everywhere in the house I went there were just constant reminders of the family that wasn't there anymore. To combat those feelings I went out and GAL'd my heart out. I occupied every moment with something, anything. At first I could still not think about anything but my family. But as time went on, and I had my kids again for a week, then not, then again and on and on my GAL went and it didn't seem so bad anymore. And soon I was like "wow, I can stretch out in the whole bed, it's all mine now!" and I was like "tonight I don't feel like doing anything except sitting and watching movies, and W isn't here to make me feel guilty for having the surround sound up too high so I'm cranking it" and "it's 10 pm and I want to work out, and hey it's only me here so off I go!" and "I wish I could just drop everything and go for a motorcycle ride. Oh wait, I can!" And man there's an R/C fly-in this weekend, I wish I could go, oh yeah I can, I am there!" The point being at first you'll miss your family life, but it's also really, really nice to have time to yourself to do WHATEVER YOU WANT. I had not had that for 20 years and suddenly I did, and at first it was scary, but eventually it was exhilarating. I love my alone time so much now that I can't imagine ever getting married again.
I think if LBS's could see the big picture they wouldn't be so sad and forlorn and clingy. If they could see what their life without the WAS looks like, and that not only is it not-so-bad but might even be pretty darned great, they would let go a lot sooner. Paradoxically that's exactly what they need to do to possibly win the WAS back. But fear prevents them from doing it.
AS, as always, you make a ton of good points. I've already sort of talked with W how kids' arrangements will go via text. She's on board with my suggestion, basically because it is really the only option with her 1hr commute each way to her new job. I'll have the kids Sun-Thur and then she will have them Fri-Sun for 3 weeks a month and she's allowing me to have 1 weekend a month. I told her I should really get one weekend to be able to go out and GAL with them. So that part might help me with not having an empty house right off the bat. That first weekend will probably be a little freaky. However, and I hate to even really say it because I love my kids to death and if W and I had opposite schedules I would give anything to be the one to do these things for them, but after a week of caring for them by myself, a little down time will probably be looked forward to! And then I get them back after only 2-3 days so I won't be going a week straight without them.
I did acknowledge to W that with this arrangement, the weekend I get them means they are basically with me 2 solid weeks. I told her that it isn't fair for the kids to not see her for that long and so I would work with her somehow whether it be maybe spending a weekend day with her if we don't have anything planned or maybe having her over for a meal one night each of the weeks.
She did say that "she's open/willing to share meals with all of us and that might be good for the kids." I didn't respond. This is exactly what I will be against at least initially. My time is my time and her time is her time and I won't be comfortable with that right now. If she suggests it again I'll tell her that. I'm only willing to that once a week during that time when I have them for the extended period. I am not in favor of it becoming a routine think, week in and week out. She wants to leave and this is just part of being a divided home.
She did double down on the "reconciling is not an option for me" statement she sent to me this morning. It wasn't because I asked either. She said "there has been endless reflection, thought and prayer behind the statement." Ok.....Thanks for making that clear again, I guess!
She did send me a text a little bit ago complaining about her first paycheck at the new job. There were more deductions taken out than she was anticipating. She said she will have to reanalyze the benefits she took. Might be the first of many little obstacles to overcome with her "new" life! I didn't respond to that message.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
I, too, filled out an online dating profile. Not sure why.
If I had to guess a last ditch effort to get a reaction out of your W. "Illusion of Action"
Wanted you are the last person on the board who is ready to date. You have a lot of issues you need to work on before hand. If you don't you will be back on here shortly down the road.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
It also helps me to realize that there are a lot of very good looking women on there that have their status as "divorced."
Yes that is why we tell people that there life isn't over and there are plenty of women out there who would want to be with them. Provided of course they do the hard work.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
Between this forum and that, it's sort of a good reminder that a lot of people have gone through what I am, currently. I don't think I'm at a point where I would enter into a semi-serious relationship, but it would be nice to interact with some women who show general interest in me just as a confidence builder.
Why do you need women to validate you? Because you don't love and value yourself. That's why you have to get there first. A woman is just the icing on the cake.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
The part that gives me anxiety is actually reaching out...what do you say as an ice breaker?! I've always been sort of the "shy guy." Was never the outlandish, outgoing dude that would just walk up to girls and start talking. I guess I'm going to have to get over that fear, if you want to call it that, for it to ever work.
That's why you do the work first. Practice talking to strangers, cashiers, waitresses Etc.
To put it bluntly, you have no business being on a dating website and the fact that you are right now speaks volumes my friend.
To put it bluntly, you have no business being on a dating website and the fact that you are right now speaks volumes my friend.
And it is a violation of sandi's rules. The worst thing you can do is to complicate your situation. There is no bigger way to complicate your sitch than to introduce an OW into it!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I, too, filled out an online dating profile. Not sure why.
If I had to guess a last ditch effort to get a reaction out of your W. "Illusion of Action"
Wanted you are the last person on the board who is ready to date. You have a lot of issues you need to work on before hand. If you don't you will be back on here shortly down the road. .
My W has no clue I’m on there, so there is no Illusion of Action. I’m not on it to date right now. I, more or less, signed up to see what’s out there. Like I said, I’m “invisible” on it right now. No one can find me in a search if they tried.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
I know I am being hard on you but I am trying to help.
Your W is moving out this weekend you have yet to tell the kids about the pending D and instead of researching things like "how to tell the kids" your signing up on OLD websites to see what's out there. Do you understand where i am coming from?
I going to make some assumptions here so bare with me and let me know if I am right. From what you have told us your W is very attractive. That is also backed by the fact that 2 of your sold called loser friends have ruined friendships over her so I am guessing she is not chopped liver. Since like typically attracts like I am guessing you that you are also an attractive man. I also now know you are a lawyer. Having said that, if you put in the hard work this next year being a great dad, in self improvement, and the gym there will plenty of opportunities for you out there in the dating world.
This takes time. I am 4 years from bomb and am finally starting to reap the rewards of the hard work I put in. Take your time, there is no rush here. If you do not put the work I can guarantee you will be back here in 5 years.
So, I went on my GAL trip this past weekend. It was great. Was by myself the entire time and enjoyed it. Tried to initiate conversations with people around me, both men and women, which helped me in the confidence department.
Didn't have hardly any communication with W the whole time. Both W and I were in the same town (not our hometown) before I left on Friday. I was there for work and she was there to see her IC. W called me after her IC session as I was eating and asked how my work stuff went. There were some snafu's with it, so I explained all of those to her. She asked where I was and told her I was eating. Her response was, "Oh, yum. I was thinking about going there too." She never did and I was almost finished up when she called and left shortly thereafter to start the drive. I made it a point to end the call first, and as we were hanging up she told me she really hoped I would have a ton of fun this weekend and hoped that I could be relaxed since the work snafu's from earlier in the day were kind of hectic and troublesome.
I called her phone to FaceTime with the kids when I arrived at the hotel I was staying at. Didn't talk to her but talked to the kids. The kids called me Saturday morning to FaceTime and to show me what their Elf on the Shelf brought them (Xmas pajamas). On Saturday, I was at the mall and wanted to do some shopping for the kids, so I had to reach out to her to confirm clothing sizes. I was correct in what I had thought, but wanted to double check just to make sure. That night, while I was at the game, I sent her a few pictures of the game and halftime entertainment and told her they were for the kids. She said she would show them to them Sunday morning since they were already in bed. She then said, "I hope it's a great game." I didn't respond. Called her phone again on Sunday morning as I was driving home to FaceTime with the kids again. Didn't converse with her at all. Once I got home Sunday afternoon, we didn't talk at all either.
Giving her time and space. My sole focus is on not initiating any conversation with her. If she wants to talk to me, I'll be pleasant and listen, etc. but I will not be going to her unless it is an emergency of some sort. I did have to text her this morning to find out some information regarding a couple of the kids' after school activity logistics.
One interesting tidbit I did notice when I got home was that one of my books that I had picked up and had on my dresser in the MBR was gone. I ordered Collin Tipping's 'Radical Forgiveness' and Radical Self-Forgiveness.' I have had them for about a month-3 weeks and hadn't started reading them. TBH, I ordered the Radical Self-Forgiveness more for her than me and guess which one was gone?! No expectations though. A book isn't going to change her mind. If they would, the ones she's been reading, and there have been a lot, that deal with self help, etc. would have done that if she would truly take what she's reading to heart. I've mentioned this before, but I'm pretty sure these books aren't telling her to focus entirely on the negative aspects of situations or life and that is all she's been doing for 2 months straight. And probably for a lot longer than that looking back on everything.
No word of when she's moving out or anything like that so far. Last week, she told me the previous tenant of this apartment she's moving into was moving out on Friday but she guessed they would have to go in and clean it, etc. before it was ready. During the phone call on Friday, she told me she was going to do some holiday decorating to "get the kids in the Xmas spirit." When I got back, the house was all decorated for Xmas. The only stockings that were hung were the 3 kids'. Mine and W's were not on the fireplace. Deep down that sort of hurts, but I didn't show it. Just another reminder that things will never be the same.
I'm going to do 'something' that I haven't had the will power to do thus far and that is "do nothing." I won't be approaching her to ask when she's moving out, when we are going to tell the kids, or anything of that nature. She can come to me with all of that. It'll be interesting when/how she communicates any of that stuff to me. Her communication skills with me are terrible. Might have something to do with the "fear" she spoke of in our conversation with the Bishop right after Thanksgiving, I don't know. She informed me of when she was starting her job via a 'footnote' on a sticky note on my desk that had a work message she took for me on it. She also informed me of her plans to move out via text when we were talking about the possibility of Retrouvaille last week.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
W, I going to make some assumptions here so bare with me and let me know if I am right. From what you have told us your W is very attractive. That is also backed by the fact that 2 of your sold called loser friends have ruined friendships over her so I am guessing she is not chopped liver. Since like typically attracts like I am guessing you that you are also an attractive man. I also now know you are a lawyer. Having said that, if you put in the hard work this next year being a great dad, in self improvement, and the gym there will plenty of opportunities for you out there in the dating world.
This takes time. I am 4 years from bomb and am finally starting to reap the rewards of the hard work I put in. Take your time, there is no rush here. If you do not put the work I can guarantee you will be back here in 5 years.
I'm very hesitant to consider myself an attractive man. My W has told me I'm handsome, even after BD, but I question whether that's just lip service or what. "Believe nothing that they say!" I never had a problem getting girls in college, either. I think my confidence is shot (being cheated on 3 times tends to do that, after all I am human!) and I've sort of always been self-conscious about some of my features. One being my weight which I've been working on these past 2 months. I've lost roughly 30 lbs since BD on September 19th. Sort of plateaued now over the past 2 weeks and still have some more to go before I would be satisfied.
I've been following the alpha male thread. I need to start working towards regaining some of those traits. I think I had them in college and before I was M. If I'm not truly "handsome," maybe it was my self confidence that scored me attraction from girls in college and ultimately my drop-dead gorgeous W. I think there is some truth to the fact that women don't put as much emphasis on looks as men do and maybe my past self is an example of that. Confidence and self-assuredness are things that I can control and change and I aim to do just that.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
