NGS to DOM club

[Ready2Change]

It appears to me that we have a whole group of guys here that have a serious case of NGS. (Nice Guy Syndrome)

They do not understand how to be a DOM. (Dominate male)


The path is scattered and mixed up in posts on this board. They are doing things in the wrong order. Or at the wrong time. Or for the wrong reasons. Or waiting too long.


We tell them to set their cheating spouse free. Why? Because their wife is not attracted to him. Why? Because their W has lost respect for him. Why? Because he is not behaving like a man? Why? Because he is letting her walk all over him. Why? Because he has no respect for himself. He is letting some other guy do things to his wife that he should be doing.

Boys, this is NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL.

You want to know when I know you have set her free? You won't be posting about her anymore. I challenge all of you to stop posting about your cheating spouse. Why are you giving one woman all this power over you?

Three abstract words to focus on:

1) Confidence
2) Respect
3) Protector

Post about your plan on protecting yourself and your family. Post about the ACTIONS you have taken. Post about how you handled a very difficult situation.





I an hoping this thread could be a place for NGS guys to share attractive dominate traits and behaviors and become dominate more quickly.

Any takers?

[Phoenix9]

I need this. Will post more soon.

[Phoenix9]

Plan to protect myself:
- Detach
- Continue my exercise and weight training
- Meditate
- Get a life...especially with new friends
- Continue to improve at my job that I love

Plan to protect my D4:
- Give her more of the attention she needs and be the role model of the man she need to hold other men she meets in her life.
- Make sure she has a place to sleep, food to eat, toys and books to play with, and an environment in which she continues to grow.

Actions I have taken:
- Started weight training three days per week
- Made my presence in my home more known. Being home more often.
- Talk decisively and confidently in making decisions. Standing up to people (this includes my W) who are intruding or threatening my boundaries (My need for space, my life choices, the way I talk, the way I dress, and the way I ultimately carry myself).

Dealing with a difficult situation:
- No examples of note within the last week, with the exception of my boundary of staying at my house. That will be a long battle.

[RR17]

As I see it many men start out as Confident Masculin Males and in fact, that is what their Ws were attracted to in the first place. After a while and once attached these men morphed into something they think is what their Ws want. A more agreeable tender and a complacent creature that gets along to get along. Problem is that this no longer resembles what the W found attractive in the first place. W losses respect and he becomes more serving and complacent only making things worse. This IMO is when many Ws go wayward. You see, the female wants to embrace her natural feminine energy. It is her nature. Where she feels most comfortable. She doesn't feel safe when she doesn't have the perceived safety and protection of a Confident Masculin mate. Now I know this sounds misogynist and over simplistic and uncomfortable. I believe it is true. This is why DB works. This is why crying and begging and all the blubbery crap we all try never works.

My advice is to think back to when you first realized that this female found you attractive. How were you different? Then work to become more like that guy you used to be before you handed over the family jewels. Good luck

[RR17]

“An alpha male does what he wants, when he wants and with whom he wants. He is not interested in and does not seek the approval of others. He lives his life according to his own vision, mission and purpose. He does not waste time with tire kickers, time wasters or trying to fit square pegs into round holes. He is outcome focused and knows that circulation is the key to the universe. With enough time and patience, he knows the right people and circumstances will eventually manifest effortlessly into his life. He does not chase after or tolerate people who do not value what he has to offer. He presents himself to the world with a loving, open, non-attached, take it or leave it kind of attitude. He defines himself and is not concerned with the opinions or labels of others.” [i][/i]

[BluWave]

As the W of an extreme Mister Nice Guy, I can tell you first hand how the behaviors have hurt our M and killed my attraction to him at times. I don't agree with the above statement that most men start off as confident masculine males. There can be some deeply rooted issues form childhood, that perhaps were buried or overlooked because there can also be many postive traits that come with being a MNG. (My H is just a super nice guy and I do love his kindness and generosity.) There has also been a culture of emasculating boys that somewhere in the last century became socially acceptable. I find that tragic.

When I met my H, I thought he was perfect, and perhaps too nice, accommodating and generous. That should have been a red flag. In the case of my H, he has 3 factors IMO that led to his NGS. 1. Genetics, as he has always been introverted and patient by nature. Growing up, he did not rebel against what he may not have agreed with. 2. He was raised to believe that (normal) "masculine" characteristics and interests were harmful to women or disrespectful, and 3. He had an extremely strict, and borderline emotionally abusive, fundamental Catholic mother. I tend to think the more risk factors a man has, the harder it is to reform. I think my H will only ever be a work in progress, as it is so much who he is.

Fortunately, he ended his A, and was willing to look at his wrongdoings. He read the NMMNG book and was forced to see that his niceness and constantly accommodating others, translated into a lack of boundaries and also a growing silent resentment in his close relationships. When he came back to the M, we both new we needed to change. That can be much easier said than done.

The reason this post stood out today is because we just got into an argument. I just dont see him enforcing rules with the kids or disciplining them. So they lose respect for him, I come down harder on them, and then all of our Rs are negatively affected. Its frustrating. While he is more self aware and he is willimg to make changes, the NG cr-p still has a way of creeping in. I suppose it always will. It is harder enough raising kids, and teenagers, but when I have to parent for both of us, my anger can really boil over! My husband can listen and validate all day. But when it comes to standing his ground and putting the hammer down on these kids, boy doesn't that seem impossible at times. I just flat out tell him, you are killing my attraction for you. Harsh? Yes. The truth? Sadly, yes.

So what's the take home message? I'm mostly venting. But also, I want all you guys to know that there is nothing that kills attraction more than being a doormat. Don't do it. Not to your W, your kids, and mostly don't do it for yourself. Tackle what you are deeply afraid of. That is often a fear of rejection that started way back when. Dig deep. If you don't, your fear of rejection becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Blu

[Bo562]

“There has also been a culture of emasculating boys that somewhere in the last century became socially acceptable. I find that tragic.”

Agreed. Can definitely see that in broader culture, but also can see it myself.

I do see some NGS traits within me, and will try to eliminate them as best as I can—especially for my two S. I’m grateful for this thread because this has been something I’ve tried to work (with varying results) in the past.

I guess what sticks out for me as probably the most difficult part of the struggle with this is: pushback from others, especially a lot of the women I have seen in my life. I get the impression that confidence and assertiveness by men is generally not rewarded, and that is something I willfully internalized.

Blu—you are absolutely correct with the fear of rejection becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thank you!

[Terapin]

“There has also been a culture of emasculating boys that somewhere in the last century became socially acceptable. I find that tragic.”

I don't want to hijack the thread, but I just have to add my 2 cents to this.

This is 100% true and has been happening for a few decades. It's now coming to fruition. IMO, it's been an orchestrated attack on men and families. I know that's blunt, but there's no easy way to put it. We see it everywhere, especially on TV. This really kicked in in the 90s.

Gone were the TV shows from the early days that had strong male figures. Remember those guys? Instead, you started to see shows with these dopey husbands married to much stronger females. Guys like Ray Barone, Doug Heffernen, etc. Those guys couldn't tie their shoes without their wifes approval. Even shows that do have an unapologetic manly guy (Joey from Friends, Kramer from Seinfeld, etc), they made those guys half retarded.

So young adults grew up watching those shows and characters, then got married. Now, all of those shows were funny as hell. But in real life, Ray Barone wouldn't last long.

Those are just a few examples of one specific area of culture (television series). I could go on and on, but the point is, this emasculation is true. Even as little boys, their traditional 'boy' activities are largely banned nowadays.

[Cadet]

“There has also been a culture of emasculating boys that somewhere in the last century became socially acceptable. I find that tragic.”

I don't want to hijack the thread, but I just have to add my 2 cents to this.

This is 100% true and has been happening for a few decades. It's now coming to fruition. IMO, it's been an orchestrated attack on men and families. I know that's blunt, but there's no easy way to put it. We see it everywhere, especially on TV. This really kicked in in the 90s.

Gone were the TV shows from the early days that had strong male figures. Remember those guys? Instead, you started to see shows with these dopey husbands married to much stronger females. Guys like Ray Barone, Doug Heffernen, etc. Those guys couldn't tie their shoes without their wifes approval. Even shows that do have an unapologetic manly guy (Joey from Friends, Kramer from Seinfeld, etc), they made those guys half retarded.

So young adults grew up watching those shows and characters, then got married. Now, all of those shows were funny as hell. But in real life, Ray Barone wouldn't last long.

Those are just a few examples of one specific area of culture (television series). I could go on and on, but the point is, this emasculation is true. Even as little boys, their traditional 'boy' activities are largely banned nowadays.

Boys are raised by Mom's so they want to please their moms and this further adds to the issue.

Also men are not the only gender to be nice guys, women have this issue too.

[RR17]

For the record, I said "many men", not most men. I have seen this many times and could never know what most do.

I guess what sticks out for me as probably the most difficult part of the struggle with this is: pushback from others, especially a lot of the women I have seen in my life. I get the impression that confidence and assertiveness by men is generally not rewarded, and that is something I willfully internalized.

A confident, masculine male doesn't need the social confirmation of others. That is the point. He has a mission and is driven by his own passions.

There are always overly macho stereotypes that give the masculine a bad rap. Much like there is the opposite.

A good book that explores boy's natural motivators is by John Eldredge, Wild at Heart. It explains this de-evolution of the masculine in an entertaining and biblical way.