Weathering the storm (pain18 DB VIII)

[burned]

I am not going to promise that I will stop being so defensive and hurt when I get hit with a 2x4. But I am going to work on taking said 2x4 better. You're not trying to hurt me. You're trying to help me. And I need to continue to see that.

OK, then I'm going to dig in. Starting right here. On the surface, that comment is perfectly reasonable. Underneath, it sounds like this: "I'm a good Pain18, please don't hurt me."

I ask for approval, because I really do not know how well I am doing. I tell myself I am doing well, then someone points out to me that I am not doing things correctly at all. So I take the criticism (and as evidenced before and even now, begrudgingly and angrily) and use it to better myself. And if I am wrong for reacting that way, I admit it as much. The best example of changing my behavior was my 90 day review. I thought I was doing pretty good until it was pointed out to me that I definitely was not.

My IC was really blunt with me a couple of weeks ago. He said something like, "Life isn't about getting an A." Here you're letting other people tell you what's "right" and what's "wrong" rather than deciding FOR YOURSELF. And this has nothing to do with saving your M. I just see a guy with a lot of potential. I see a guy who is SAYING he wants to get better and he's trying to get better but he isn't getting better. Which means that the "saying" in and of itself is a defense. YOU ARE AFRAID. What are your fears? What's the worst that can happen? She can't kill you. She won't hit you. And SHE IS NOT ABANDONING YOU BECAUSE OF ANYTHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH YOU. You are a good person. You bring good into the world. OWN IT.

I thought that my keeping my responses short and businesslike I am doing the right thing. I thought that by telling her things like "It's none of my business" and the conversation afterward, I feel like I was doing the right thing. I really feel that I am not showing any sympathy. And it shows to folks here that I still have work to do.

We all have work to do. But you're working TOO HARD and it's draining the life out of you. You're counting days and reliving past failures. Why? To me it looks like you're punishing yourself. Let me tell you what I learned from my childhood: if I punish myself first, if I bow down and apologize and say "I know what I did wrong, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me," then I don't get hit. I don't get screamed at. I don't get told I'm a useless piece of s#it. And then I don't suffer. Fear.

And I do want to work it out. But I want to do it right.

There you go again.

I am starting to turn it around. Slowly, but it's happening. And I'm slowly trying to let go and detach. Again...slowly, but it's happening. I don't think I would have made such strides if it were not for folks chiming in and providing criticisms, praise, and reinforcement. I really don't.

I don't buy it. This, along with a bunch of other stuff you said, translates into, "Thank you all, you're so nice to me, please like me." NGS. How about this? Do what the book says and purposefully do the OPPOSITE of what your NGS tendencies tell you to do. Tell us to all go f#ck ourselves and see how it feels. Do it! Maybe don't post it, but FEEL it. These @$$holes don't run my life. PAIN18 runs my life. Pain18 doesn't let these @$$holes tell him what to do. Pain18 takes everything he's learned so far and he PUTS IT INTO ACTION. You're a smart guy but you're hiding.

You folks are not strangers on the Internet to me...you're my support group.

Why? Where's your real-life support group? There must be tons of people who think you're neat. Show them your photos. Tell them the story you're trying to tell with your photos. Take a risk. Share your feelings with them. But don't share your mask. BE AUTHENTIC. Give the world the real you. You sound awesome! Unleash the real you.

I am not going to promise that I will stop being so defensive and hurt when I get hit with a 2x4. But I am going to work on taking said 2x4 better. You're not trying to hurt me. You're trying to help me. And I need to continue to see that.

And there you go again. The word that comes to mind is obsequious. There's a difference between "Thank you, I appreciate the help," and, "You're all so wonderful, I'm sorry I can't live up to the expectations I assume you have." We don't have those expectations. You're not only mind-reading, you're telling us how to think and feel. And then you're reacting to what you THINK we think and feel. And then YOU feel in control. You're basically just creating your own reality and reacting to it. You're hiding behind a wall you've created for yourself. Why? FEAR.

Dude, I'm sorry I'm being harsh but this is what you need to hear. Let's see the REAL pain18, not the one trying to be what he thinks other people want him to be.

Here's your homework:
1. List the 5 things that you are most passionate about, the things that make you YOU.
2. List the 5 things that you hate most about yourself.
3. List the 5 people who love you most.
4. For each of those 5 people, ask yourself: what's more important to them, List 1 or List 2? And if you did NOTHING from List 2, would they love you more? And if you did NOTHING from List 1, would they love you less?

If you're comfortable, post your answers here.

I'm gonna drag that NGS out of you and beat the s#it out of it. It's a demon inside of you that is eating your soul. No, I'm going to make YOU drag that NGS out of yourself.

Behind the fear and the pain, there is an amazing person waiting to be born. You can do this. Believe in yourself. YOU ARE GOING TO KICK A$$ AT LIFE and you'll be walking down the street in that beautiful PNW winter rain and you'll need a cattle prod to keep all the ladies away.

[Dear God, I'm about to hit "Post Reply" and I'm terrified.]

[Phoenix9]

You’re a dead man, burned.



I need to let what you said sit.

[burned]

Don’t let it sit too long. Act. BE.

[FlySolo]

D@mn B - when you get going, you really get going.

Honestly Pain, I have to agree with a lot of what he has said. When I read your posts on other people's threads most of the time I think here is a man who understands the tools here, who is trying to help others to understand and implement them. But then I read yours, and I realize that whilst you understand it on an intellectual level, like all of us to some degree, you have difficulty putting them into practice. Your actions are reactionary. They are fuelled by emotion and expectation. Think, breath, then decide how you will act. Act with dignity dignity does not mean being the nice guy. Dignity means acting in a way that is true to yourself and allows you to hold your head up high.

I know how hard it is to detach when you have kids. Going dark really isn't an option for us. Think of her as the nanny. Someone who helps you look after your daughter. No more no less. The nanny gets an STD. Would you care, should you care. Would you be offering to give her a lift to the emergency room. No, you would not.

Your W has an STD. The answer for me isn't "It isn't any of my business" it would have been "that must suck" then change the topic "do we have any milk?".

I read on someone else's thread (can't remember which) something and I am paraphrasing ... "[their] problems are not [your] emergency". Leave her to deal with her sh!t.

[burned]

When I read your posts on other people's threads most of the time I think here is a man who understands the tools here, who is trying to help others to understand and implement them. But then I read yours, and I realize that whilst you understand it on an intellectual level, like all of us to some degree, you have difficulty putting them into practice. Your actions are reactionary. They are fuelled by emotion and expectation. Think, breath, then decide how you will act. Act with dignity dignity does not mean being the nice guy. Dignity means acting in a way that is true to yourself and allows you to hold your head up high.

This right here is a better, nicer way of saying it. We’re all good at being armchair quarterbacks. I, for one, couldn’t catch a football if someone handed it to me.

I lost a lot of sleep over that post. It was too direct. I was not being nearly considerate enough of the pain you’re going through. I meant well, but I acted poorly. My goal was to help you get out of that pain more quickly. But I realize now that that was not the best way to do it. Unfortunately things said cannot be unsaid. (You’d think I would have learned that after going through the experience of BD.) I hope that if I caused you any harm in writing the things I wrote, that it will at least lead to something better in the future. But I regret having caused you harm. I am truly sorry, pain.

[burned]

Transplanted from my thread:

I'm a hothead.

You and me both.

Iron sharpens iron. That's how we learn and make us better.

"Me." "We." "Us." Those are the words I'm after. Those are the words that represent a connection between two authentic human beings. And underneath those words there's an "I." There's no "I" in "team," but there IS one in "we."

YOU are the "I" and I can see so much potential there. I'd be sad if the world didn't get a taste of the real you.

Next thing you know, your W will want a taste of the real you, too...if you catch my not-very-subtle drift.

[Phoenix9]

I am not running away from here or this thread. I am truly looking within myself for answers of what I love and what I hate about myself. It is taking me a little longer than usual.

I'll turn in my homework soon.

[FlySolo]

I am not running away from here or this thread. I am truly looking within myself for answers of what I love and what I hate about myself. It is taking me a little longer than usual.

Please don't hate anything about yourself. Hate turned inwards is shame. And shame is a difficult thing to exorcise. Yail mentioned the show "Nanette" - not really the same situation as yours (an Australian talking about the impact of being gay on her psyche) but she discusses shame in a very intelligent and relatable way.

Know the things about you that you want to change for the better but don't ever hate yourself. When you are looking within yourself for answers, look with kindness. There is a good man in there and every now and then he peaks out.

Also, there is no timeline. You will get there. Be kind to yourself. Try and look at your W with (detached) kindness. There is a good woman under there too - just maybe, for now, not the woman for you.

[burned]

"Hate" was a poor choice of words. I should have said "things that you think others dislike about you."

[Phoenix9]

Here's your homework:1. List the 5 things that you are most passionate about, the things that make you YOU.

1. My warmth and caring personality. Empathy and listening.
2. My sense of wit and humor and using that to make people laugh.
3. My photography.
4. My ability to carry a good conversation.
5. My kick-ass parenting.

2. List the 5 things that you hate most about yourself.

1. My lack of patience.
2. My "whiplash" of handling difficult situations. To a point where it is almost hypocritical.
3. My inability to forgive for a very long period for words or actions that deeply hurt me. This includes forgiving myself.
4. My apprehensiveness of making difficult decisions considering the fact that I make it based on making as many people happy with me as possible.
5. My anger.

3. List the 5 people who love you most.

1. My D4
2. My parents
3. My cousin who is like a brother to me.
4. My co-workers from my old job.
5. My friends

(I would say W. I think she still loves me, but I am not going to make assumptions.)

4. For each of those 5 people, ask yourself: what's more important to them, List 1 or List 2? And if you did NOTHING from List 2, would they love you more? And if you did NOTHING from List 1, would they love you less?

1. List 1. She is too young to really understand everything from List 2 except 5. When I get angry, it hurts her and she shows it by crying. D4 loves me period. As she grows and gets exposed to the other items on the list, it may change.
2. List 1. My parents love me the same. They just want me to be happier. List 2 is poisonous to my well-being and hurts me. They do not want to see their S hurt.
3. List 1. Same as 2.
4. List 1. If I did nothing from List 1, they would not really associate themselves with me. Who would love that person?
5. Same as 4.