It's been two weeks since I last had an emotional crash. I am not sure if it is because I am blissfully ignorant of what W is doing or something else, like W's medical issues last week. I know that I am not seeing her have a "aha" moment, even though I was secretly hoping for one.
I am still making mistakes with W, like making small talk (force of habit) and doing "nice things", like giving her an extra soda I bought from the store (2 for 1 sale but whatever). So...more stuff to work on.
I saw myself naked this morning in the mirror before I hopped into the shower. I saw the improvements I am making, but I still see my imperfections and tell myself "yeah...you have a lot of work to do because you're not impressing anyone with what you have going on." Maybe I am extremely harsh on myself. Maybe I should post a censored pic on Reddit and ask for feedback. I don't know. I know looks are not everything, but for first impressions, it has to mean a lot. Right?
We all struggle with this, but get more alpha. Alpha might pay attention to WW for giggles but he doesn't hope or care care if the WW is having an aha moment. Alpha doesn't reward W bad behaviors. You can never nice your way out of it. Alpha is going to keep improving himself because he controls his own world.
Don't worry about posting what you look like to reddit, validate yourself. There are some good subs on there to learn from such as MFA, Fitness, etc. Take the advice and build from there. If you feel that you look good you will exude confidence. You will always have imperfections, it is what makes you human and unique. For lifting are you using a LP? SL, SS, Greyskull, Ice Cream, etc.
Keep on moving forward and up!
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
We all struggle with this, but get more alpha. Alpha might pay attention to WW for giggles but he doesn't hope or care care if the WW is having an aha moment. Alpha doesn't reward W bad behaviors. You can never nice your way out of it. Alpha is going to keep improving himself because he controls his own world.
Yeah...even though I have stopped consciously trying to nice my way in, I still do things that are considered nice, even if it is just by coincidence that she would benefit from what I did (she eats my food that I cook, extra soda, etc.). I don't go out of my way to help her. I stopped doing that. If that I am doing is still considered cake-eating and nice, how would I go about not doing that without sounding callous and vindictive?
Originally Posted by Twofeet
Don't worry about posting what you look like to reddit, validate yourself. There are some good subs on there to learn from such as MFA, Fitness, etc. Take the advice and build from there. If you feel that you look good you will exude confidence. You will always have imperfections, it is what makes you human and unique. For lifting are you using a LP? SL, SS, Greyskull, Ice Cream, etc.
I feel great as I have said before. I feel stronger. I just have image issues, especially with what is going on right now and building my confidence again.
Also do not dig up texts or whatever to prove her wrong. That is not going to help your case any, it’ll just make her angry and resentful. Just let go of that kind of stuff. Even in a happy R you have to let go of stuff like that, you know the old saying “would you rather be right or happily married?” You don’t get it both ways.
Pulled this from Did's sitch thread and this is prompting me to think about my approach to this as this sitch goes on. I am still angry and not ready to forgive. I want to forgive, but I cannot do it right now.
As I continue to get to a place of forgiveness, I want to be able to address this but to do so without being vindictive. And I know I am not ready now because all I want to do is rub it in her face at how much of a hypocrite she is.
What I do need to kick my butt on is recognizing her cake-eating and putting a stop to it. I would like to say I know what it is, but I keep doing those things and realize the error of my ways after the event is over.
Pain, I could be totally wrong here but reading the last couple posts I think you may be overthinking cake eating a bit with things like the food. There is a difference between NGS and being a nice person and some of the things you do are because you are a nice person and there is nothing wrong with that at all. The best way it was described to me is to treat them like they are a distant friend that is staying at your place. You need to eat so you cook dinner, maybe a little extra for your house guest, no big deal you don't need to tell her she can't eat the extra food. From what I think a more alpha male would do, come home with a plan, tonight I want "X" for dinner and make it. Maybe or maybe not casually mention to W there is extra dinner if she would like and leave it at that. Sit down and enjoy your meal as if W isn't even there. If she wants to join you at the table she can, or she can eat somewhere else, or she can choose to not eat at all. Either way you don't care. Worst case she doesn't eat and you have leftovers for lunch at work tomorrow.
But I do feel what you are saying and it makes sense. I don't have to cater to her every whim, but also not go to the opposite extreme and be a total, neglecting jerk.
True doldrums as far as my sitch is concerned. Not much sniffing on W's part. No pursuit on my part. Life is going on.
Had a good session with MC yesterday. He brought me to the realization that both W and I are on the path to D, which I have accepted as a possibility. He said that it is possible that R is in the cards, but that I cannot (just as you folks have told me repeatedly here) accept R as my only option. Surrendering is what he continues to call it.
We talked further and he told me that W is going to go through the same process I have gone through. I have been humbled, remorseful, and this is the process I am working through, clarity . W will need to go through that same process and when/if she shows the stuff in bold is when I will know that she is growing.
Talked more in detail about the signs of W wanting to R and that how W is waiting for me to be strong enough to pour out her heart to me. He agrees with Sandi's consensus that the D bomb could be dropped. He further elaborated that she may just start pouring her heart out about out sitch. He warned me that when she does that it will just "come out", like her throwing up. It's going to be a mess and it's going to be unpleasant. My job is to, as you folks have told me, validate. As she continues to go through this journey and express her feelings, the stuff she tells me will become clearer. What it means, we really do not know. That is not in our hands.
GAL plans tonight and this weekend. Possible all day photoshoot with two of my co-workers from my old job next weekend. Cautiously optimistic .
There is a difference between NGS and being a nice person and some of the things you do are because you are a nice person and there is nothing wrong with that at all. ... From what I think a more alpha male would do, come home with a plan, tonight I want "X" for dinner and make it ... If she wants to join you at the table she can, or she can eat somewhere else, or she can choose to not eat at all. Either way you don't care.
I agree wholeheartedly with Ryan here. There is a difference (I believe) between not letting them cake eat and just plain being awkward. If it is a pasta dish, or a stir fry and it is no trouble then offer them some. No expectations. If it is a steak or fish, or something that you would have had to buy extra etc, then they can sort themselves out. Whilst it is a fine line, politeness is not pursuit. I will always offer my H a cup of tea when he comes over but I don't sit with him whilst he drinks it and it doesn't bother me if he says "No thanks - I'm only dropping the girls off".
Ryan's analogy of a house guest is a good one. I would take it one step further and say someone who you are house sharing with because a house guest you have to 'entertain'. If it is someone you house share with, you would say "good morning" to them when you walk past them in the hall but you wouldn't go into extended conversation, you might offer them some of your dinner if there is extra, but you wouldn't go out of your way to make them dinner. A house guest you are not emotionally vested in. They live their life and you live yours.
On it goes. W took D4 last night I'm assuming to OM's place. Heh. Some respect. Whatever.
I went to another sex education class. This one was about spanking. It was a good class because I understood how to properly perform with consent, careful control, and communication. It was then I also realized...I made so many mistakes during my R. Yet another reason why W went WW. Awful sex. A part of our sex life was exploring this realm and due to my PTSD from FOO issues. There was a lot of physical abuse and spanking was always a trigger. So when we explored this part, I did not communicate clearly that I had issues and it was something else that did not help matters.
I spoke to the teacher afterwards and asked her for a reference to a licensed sex therapist to work on this. We exchanged emails and contact info and went about my evening. Came home late, checked here to ready updates on other folk's sitches, and went to bed.
I am really excited about the photo shoot with a couple of friends next weekend. They confirmed their availability and the green light to rent equipment. Both are attractive women I used to work with. So to have them reach out to me and request this was confidence boosting to say the least. No expectations obviously, but...yeah...I do feel like I'm continuing to improve.
No major plans this weekend. Cleaning, selling some stuff for extra money, maybe photographing some winterscapes. Business as usual.
W tried to get me to go further into the city to pick up D4. I refuse to go to that part of the city. Period. She tried to playfully coerce me into getting "delicious food" but I said "nah".
She is going to have to drive to meet me at the rendezvous point for the drop off.
I hope that I don't see OM at the drop off. I better not.
