Maybe this is just being controlling again but thoughts on - we will not talk about anything but D4 unless youre in IC and decide to be committed to doing your work individually and our MR.
Don't attach caveats and don't make demands. That's the controlling part. Use "I" language such as "W, continuing to discuss our situation is really upsetting me so I feel we should only have discussions about D4 from now on, I hope you understand." You can't make her go to IC, you're not even in a position to suggest she go to IC. So don't even bring it up. I hope you understand that even if she goes to IC it's highly unlikely to change anything in your sitch. Most ICs just listen and validate, they don't try to fix marriages or anything like that.
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I will only pay rent of 1325$ which is $1000 less than I’ve been paying unless we D.
This is a really tough one to answer. I think your W doesn't work, correct? So if you were to legally separate or divorce then you would have some legal obligation to support her. So it's reasonable to expect to also have that obligation now before S or D. But how much is that obligation? We don't know. I think I had suggested before that you discuss it with your L, I still think that would be prudent. Tell him/ her how much you've been paying and that you want to reduce it and see what he/ she says.
It is absolutely controlling and manipulative. If you don't want to talk about anything other than D4, don't. But don't attach a verbal condition to it to be threatening. Do it because it is your boundary.
If you truly feel like it is the time to split finances as you are divorced, then do so. In a fair and equitable manner. But do not add "I'll pay more if you decide to work on your problems"
You keep saying you are done, then try to find a way to manipulate her into doing what you need to make it work. That is going yield some pretty undesired results.
We already split finances 6 months ago. I’m just going to say something like I want to be with you but I can’t in the current situation.
I find myself doing absolutes. I’m either too nice or too mean. She was just at the ymca where D4 is in school. She was going to workout. I find myself being angry and cold. Giving short answers. I didn’t say bye and just walked away. I then texted her and said I should have said bye. Have a good workout. D4 has a winter program tonight at 515 school ends at 315. I live 30 min away. W invited us over for pizza before the program.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
I am against your paying support without a court order, you know that. So It doesn't matter if you pay $5000, $2300. $1300. You should be paying $0. You didn't ask for any of this.
Do not say anything to her. Just go dark. Remember, name, rank, serial number.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I find myself doing absolutes. I’m either too nice or too mean. She was just at the ymca where D4 is in school. She was going to workout. I find myself being angry and cold. Giving short answers. I didn’t say bye and just walked away. I then texted her and said I should have said bye. Have a good workout. D4 has a winter program tonight at 515 school ends at 315. I live 30 min away. W invited us over for pizza before the program.
And.........back to the NGS.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Did, did you read my post about my friend "Matt"? That is a true story and a cautionary tale. You are way too impulsive. And unless you get control of that you will end up D, 99.9% assuredly.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We already split finances 6 months ago. I’m just going to say something like I want to be with you but I can’t in the current situation.
I find myself doing absolutes. I’m either too nice or too mean. She was just at the ymca where D4 is in school. She was going to workout. I find myself being angry and cold. Giving short answers. I didn’t say bye and just walked away. I then texted her and said I should have said bye. Have a good workout. D4 has a winter program tonight at 515 school ends at 315. I live 30 min away. W invited us over for pizza before the program.
What are you doing?! No, do not say that! I want to be with you, but not like this? Why do you even need to say that? and the goodbye thing....
Steve is 100% right, being so impulsive and from one end of the spectrum of the other will surely get you D'd, and if not, stuck in the same unhealthy dynamic.
Sometimes the best action is no action. Just stop and be silent.
You guys are right I gotta stop listening to my instincts as you said in other words Steve. We had a winter program for D4 tonight. So we’re together for like 2 hours. While at her place I had the craziest anxiety. I had to step away and put my foot in my mouth for sure. Maybe it’s too late but I gotta chill the f out. I gotta stop analyzing everything. It’s like I’m wired to work harder to get what I want and anything I do just makes it worse. Do less. Do less.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
