Is love worth the pain? Back to Basics

[SteveLW]

I still feel like if her self worth was higher we could work.

I'd say she isn't the only one with self worth issues. Stay in IC. Work on you. Use this as a learning experience.

[Did]

I still have the issue of seeking validation from women for my self worth. Or one woman in this case. The first step is awareness right? Time to take action. I have a call in with an Ic recommended by Mc. There are two groups im looking to get into.

[ovrrnbw]

Therapist says we aren’t compatible very rarely does she say you’re done but she says there is too much damage. W says she can’t be herself around and me and that she can’t be herself around her family. Or anyone she really cares about. Basically agreed it’s over and to divorce.

I still feel like if her self worth was higher we could work. On the ride home w says she saw a therapist two weeks ago. And that she is one of the most emotionally centered people therapist has seen but so much trauma and damage. Says victim of abuse in marriage. She’s not in a place to be in a relationship or give.

Also said a narcissist will never admit it or work on it. And that I’m beating the odds.

I’ve made so many mistakes. Us being together two months ago made us both move backwards in our progress. She told me she wasn’t ready. I should of listened.

Is it even worth going dark and DB and LRT. I see no hope. I wish there was more I could do. Or just agree to see mediator and D.

Feeling empty and hollow. Thanks for the support. I should have been a better listener to you guys and stronger.

You just need to settle down. You have plenty of good things in your life. Focus on those.

Your therapist saying you aren't compatible is dumb. How the hell would she know? And who would be "compatible" with what your wife is doing. Your wife is all over the place. She needs a Did who is not all over the place if she is ever going to settle down herself. Read my earlier post. Act like that. You don't hate her, but you are giving her tough love.

It is definitely worth going dark, you have never given yourself an opportunity to calm down throughout any of this. Quit talking to her, you'll settle down and be happy. I know it, I can read and see what kind of guy you are.

[Did]

Thanks Ovr and everyone. I'll go dark and settle down. Do IC, read, GAL.

[Did]

W texts: Do you wanna light candles for d4 (families jewish - its hannukah). We watched arthurs christmas and there was a hannukah part

Just dont respond / be too busy? Or do it since its for d4..... I think I just have to be less available and thats the answer

[Did]

Just said no thanks

[Did]

Feeling a bit better today than yesterday. Come to realize how terrible I backslid while we were dating the last couple months. I blamed her for not doing her work or communicating when she was honest telling me she couldnt do it and wasnt ready. Meanwhile I was impatient, insecure, pursuing and doing just about everything wrong when we could of actually had a decent chance.

[SteveLW]

Did, I warned you at the time that likely it was her way of reattaching you. If you think about it is kind of disgusting. She's afraid you are moving on, that her monthly support is at stake, so she sleeps with you. Do you know what we call someone that has sex for money?? Well, she is little more than that in this case.

Double-down on DBing.

[AnotherStander]

Just said no thanks

Did, like the others said you need to do a reset. Your behavior towards your W has been very passive/aggressive, especially these last couple of pages. She has got to be really confused. You're pulling her in telling her you'll always be there for her, and that you are her family and such, then push her away with stuff like the "no thanks" about the candle ceremony. You are swinging from one extreme to the other when you should be in the middle. What is the middle? No affection, no dating, no offering to save her, but it is being kind, friendly, neighborly. I don't know what is involved in lighting the candles but it doesn't sound like a romantic thing but rather something for your D, so why not. But inviting your W over for movie time, no don't do that. Remember, you don't need to react to her right away. If you're confused about how to respond to something she texts then come here and ask first. You might need to ask a lot of questions over the next few weeks to get help on how you should be behaving. After a while you won't need to ask anymore. You can do this, you just need some direction I think.

[Did]

AS you're right, thank you. She's been confused the whole time, I have a lot to do with that.

I want to be there - healthy and "in the middle". I have definitely swung from - trying to be with her and pushing to the other- ignore her. We affect each other so much and there's so much emotion there... yes these are excuses. Its really just sad. I have a lot more work to do. Doing it.

I know the friendly neighbor / grocery clerk act. I'm not like this with anyone else - other women I mean.

Yes, the candles were for D4 and nothing romantic. It's honestly nice of her to try to let D4 have a tradition with me. But Im supposed to be going dark, right? Thats what I thought when I said no thanks. Im unsure if I should do what I feel is right because that goes against the idea of DBing.

I guess if its for D4 do it if I'm able... even if it makes me more available? Like facetiming in the morning etc... And treat W like a friendly neighbor... dont pursue or reach out to her at all. I usually dont facetime her when I have d4 until she asks. But then do as soon as we can if she asks too talk. Is this right?

Our relationship is so f'd up. A reset is an understatement. I'm wondering what I say if she asks about mediation / divorce - when do you want to do it etc. Just say you can do it when you're ready?

I'd give almost anything to make things right. We are both messed up for sure and she has made destructive decisions. I feel like maybe I just make it worse... but instead of accepting we're toxic for each other and staying the same. I choose to make 180s, grow and change.

Underneath all the turmoil she's kind, she hates that she hurts me she wishes she felt differently. But she knows how we affect each other. She's so worried about me when we're around each other she can't be herself I see the tension in her and it affects me. IF I saw it in anyone I'd say are you ok... with her she just isn't.

She's so hurt and does distort the truth, in MC she got angry denied inviting me over to rub her neck, literally said it never happened when the MC said she sends mixed signals... I found the text from 11/17 which said will you bring advil and come rub my neck....

Then she said I use women, mentioned mistakes I made from 15 years ago before we even knew each other after I talked about things that have happened in the last 18 months. Sigh... what a mess that was. I should of just cancelled it and Db'd since our conversation broke down a week ago... and listened to you guys.

After MC she said that she knows how unhealthy her decisions have been and thats the result of abuse. Again thats her truth. Feels like blaming me for everything. I didnt fight her on it. Nothing I can do except be a better more consistent positive person. Give time and space.

When I focus on her less things get better. So I will do that, pretty lonely, definitely hurting, but not going to fill the void. Not going to use anyone. I saw a quote today good people dont need laws to follow, bad people will always find a way around them. Hit home. I want to make the right decisions.

Trying to get on a positive page... running a new group through a speed / strength program, then group circle meeting with a yoga instructor I connected with a year ago, then supposed to hang with a guy I coach with for beers who is a bit older and recently divorced, now with a new woman... lunch with a friend tomorrow.

I will listen to you vets as best I can.