burned puts one foot in front of the other

[burned]

link to previous thread

[MoveFrwd]

Id say that if you arent planning to buy her out of the house, how is she going to buy you out of half of the equity? Does she have enough cash to cover that? If so, then you should be able to sign something to transfer the deed to her. She iwll need to refinance the house though. If she cant afford to do that on her own, well, then....shrug. That seems like her issue.

[burned]

If she cant afford to do that on her own, well, then....shrug. That seems like her issue.

Precisely. That's what came up today. I think she applied to refinance or take over the loan (I don't know which, and it's not my job to help her figure it out) and was turned down. So now she is fishing for other options.

As for what's best for me, "taking back the house" sounded like a good idea but I think whatever emotional boost I'd get out of it would be short lived. I'd end up having to maintain a house all by myself, interior and exterior. The apartment is easier as I rebuild my life.

[MoveFrwd]

Unfortunately, it isnt such a simple task to simply "take someones name off of a mortgage". My understanding is that it is essentially a complete refinance. So, I would think it would be OK for you to sign the agreement to take your name off - I think it's called a "Quit claim deed" - at least it is here. But I would stipulate in the divorce proceedings that the house i refinanced in XXX days with your name removed if she is planning to keep the house.

[Twofeet]

Different states require different things. Quit claim deed is to transfer the interest ie who owns the home. The lender doesn't care about that. You are still on the hook for the loan unless the other party refinances or applies for an assumption if the lender allows.

B in your case with you being the working stiff, I dont think she will be able to do either with the loan. As I said before the next step would be to take over the loan ie refinance or assumption, and rent it or occupy it, OR sell it. You don't have to be D to sell it, but you probably want to sell it before your D is filed to prevent the RO on your assets. Ofcourse if you and W are super amicable and don't want to involve lawyers and the courts as humanly possible you just take care of it yourselves. As mentioned before I don't think this is the case in most sitch.

You have options, probably some I am not aware of. Choose what's the best option for you, not her.

[Wanted1]

As TJT explained in the other thread, technically you don’t have to refinance if the OS is fine with continuing to have their name on the note and mortgage. That’s covered in the divorce decree where it states which party is responsible for which debts and which party is awarded which assets. Each option is more advantageous to one party over the other, especially now that interest rates have risen.

I’m in the same boat as TJT where I’m in a house that’s a year old and therefore have our current mortgage locked in at a much lower rate than what I would get to refinance in just my name now. So, if/when the property and stipulation agreement is prepared and signed, it will state that I get the house and I assume all of the debt. However, I’m not refinancing my loan. W will then sign a quit claim deed over to me to remove her name off the property.

However, in your case, burned, since you aren’t getting the house, I wouldn’t agree to something like this. It’s your way of playing hardball and not making it easy and for very justifiable reasons. If she doesn’t make payments, your credit could go in the tank. Chances are, you could provide the divorce decree showing you are no longer legally obligated for that debt, but we all know what a nightmare that process could be to “clear your name.”

[burned]

A, TF, W: thanks for the info. Confirms what I have figured out based on a little googling. Quit claim frees me from just about all legal responsibilities related to the house. She would have to refinance or take over the mortgage. I'm guessing she applied to refinance and got turned down. But I have no idea. Or maybe they told her she can't take over the loan. I don't know what she submitted in terms of numbers. Not my problem to solve.

As for hardball, there's where I have to be careful. I'm not detached enough to think clearly about these decisions. She will still try to play me, and NGS will still influence my decisions in terms of my desire to R. I need to be pretty tough with myself, which is not always as easy as I'd like it to be. I know there are justifiable reasons in terms of legal/financial stuff. But I'm also trying to do the "planting a seed of respect" thing. Trying not to get all jumbled up.

[burned]

Well, relatively predictable turn of events. Told W I’d think about the house deal. (Should I wait until she asks again to tell her my answer?)

Was feeling good until later in the day, still struggling at work (ups and downs there, too), so I got panicky but I did the best I could do and then went home. Later, GAL with the new friend group. Played a goofy board game from the 70s called Careers. I almost won but then I hit a square that cost me all of my “love” points. Ended up with a huge salary and a ton of fame. Oh well.

This morning, watched some Jordan Peterson videos about how rejection by women in their early 30s is a bad sign that means that the men they reject are not good reproductive material. So, feeling kind of down on myself about not being an alpha male and a lighthouse and all of that. I don’t know what happened in life to get me to this point. I used to be a pretty strong guy. But back then i had nothing to lose. Now i have a lot to lose and my fear of not losing it is what’s causing me to actually lose it, if that makes any sense. I thought I was doing a lot better, in general. Objectively speaking, I had it all, except a family. Maybe that’s why she left. But then I come here and realize that lots of people have families and the W still left. So, there it is, not much I can do about it.

Net result: still stuck feeling like I’ve “failed” in my career and my relationships. Worried that my innate weaknesses will perpetuate that. Afraid/unwilling to make the gigantic changes that might improve my sitch. Like...I could move back to my home city, get a new job, etc. But then I’d lose contact with my friends here (although I could make new friends) and I feel like living hours away would make R with W even less likely.

And then the most predictable thing, W didn’t like what she discovered yesterday (fantasy crumbling? losing control?), so I got the standard passive-aggressive retaliation text this morning. “I packed some more of your things, they’re on the porch, you can get them whenever.” It’s like any time something doesn’t go her way, she gets meaner. Either that or she’s being perfectly fine and I’m interpreting it as meanness because it’s not what I’m used to and it feels scary and feels like she’s even more “done.” So there are different ways of interpreting it. But I think, based on what I’ve learned here, it’s her reaction to losing control. Maybe that seed of respect is being planted but I don’t think I’m “doing it right” so who knows. I’m not sure if I’d respect someone who was being such a giant thorn in my side, so it’s still counterintuitive to not cave in to her demands.

So today I’ll try to stay busy. I’ll go in to work to do some more catching up. Maybe I’ll still be employed in 2019. Maybe I won’t, and then that’s one less reason to stay in this town. I do worry that losing my job would also mean losing even more respect from W. That would be difficult to bounce back from. Sigh.

[neffer]

B, where did the PMA go? Avoid negative thoughts. World does not orbit around us. We get into relations that evolve following multiple patterns. Each one of us carry the baggage of our ancestors so finding an unique culprit in our stitches is something that must be proven only using quadratic equations and Taylor series...c’mon man ease your mind. Try to get to a positive mental state, know yourself to help you achieve it. If not, you’ll end exhausted at the end of each day.

You control yourself man, let W go away with her monkeys. Don’t go again into her imposed couple dynamics. You are stronger than that. Stand for yourself and let the respect seeds germinate. Expect nothing, you are walking your own road. And your reality will get better with every step taken.

You have the strength B. You know that. So get the PMA, keep DB and f@ck the rest.

[Twofeet]

B,

You are darn near untethered. Kids are really the only thing that could anchor you and you don't have any. You lose your job you can pack up and move anywhere. Do you even like your job? When you do mention it you don't sound very enthused. Maybe it's time to start over. Do you have a side hustle? If not why not?

JP is a smart dude, but he too doesn't have all the answers. He himself isn't really good reproductive material. He battles serious health and mental issues. He passed it on to his daughter. Being in a bit of a rut doesn't make you a bad mate. I think what JP would say to you B, is you need to get your life together and make your bed.

Lastly, if you lost your job why would W need to know? You worry about losing her respect. Why hasn't she lost your respect?