Uncertain of What I Have

[burned]

Mentioned before that she’s said that there is no OM, but I can’t help but wonder.

Believe nothing they say.

I struggle with: Is there OM?

Believe nothing they say.

Is she making plans to get out and I just don’t know?

Believe only half of what they do.

Is she being truthful when she tells me not to take lack of sex personally because she’s tired / needs physical and emotional space from the kiddos?

BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY.

The thing I wonder about is: what do you get as an anniversary gift for a woman who has twice told you she isn’t sure she even wants to be married to you? Lol.

Nothing. You give her the gift of letting go.

Edit: I should add my own theory here that helped me make sense out of my W's inconsistencies. Believe nothing they say, and consider the possibility that they're doing the exact opposite of what they say. For me, "I'm not seeing him anymore" probably meant, "I'm back with him but I don't want you to know that's the reason I'm Ding you."

[Bo562]

Thanks burned.

Forgot about the whole ‘believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.’

Need to keep that in mind W/R/T her talking about the Christmas gifts she is getting me. Believe none of the verbiage, and only half of the action.

What hurts the most about her telling me not to take the lack of sex / intimacy personally is: within the last week or so, I saw that she stationed a, well, let’s call it a ‘personal item’ that she could use while she showers at night. To me it seems like her showers at night have been really long. I saw it there once, but I’d be lying to myself if there aren’t other times. She doesn’t want to be touched or intimacy, huh? Ok sure.

With detachment, I shouldn’t take it so personally...but still hurts.

The ‘believe nothing they say’ part should especially hit home for me, because in the weeks and months before our youngest S was born in September, she talked about how much she would need me and want me to be home. Our current state of residence offers a fairly generous paid family leave program, so I took off about 3.5 weeks paid to be with her and BabyBoy. Even while I was home on leave, she talked about how nice it was for me to be there.

At the end of my first week back at work in mid-October? She again tells me how unhappy she is and floats possibility of separation. She needs me, huh?

Jfc believe nothing they say.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Bo,

I just skimmed your thread. It is your job to attract your wife. You do this by setting her free. You face your fear of her leaving you. It is a mind set.

H:"W, you know what. This is not working for me."

H:"W, I decided I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me"

[Bo562]

R2C,

Setting her free is what I’m attempting via detachment.

Internally, I go back and forth when facing the fear of her leaving me. Some days I’m more okay with it than others. Continuing the mind-set will be key.

I see what you typed below, and that is good to keep in mind—but I’m going to wait until she does the R talk (per Sandi’s Rules). I get that bomb from her (if / when it happens), then I go with that.

[Ready2Change]

Yes, do not initiate.


Here is how I word things with my lady :"Would you like to join me tonight to listen to some live music?"

(I communicate that I have already decided to go. She is free to make the choice to join me or not. I am fine either way, but I would prefer her to join me.)


So as far as your anniversary, this is one option. Get as many options as you can. Evaluate each one. Then choose one.

Figure out something fun you would like to do. Lets say it is live music.

H:"W, Band xyz is playing at 7p on Dec 16. Do you want to stay home and watch the children that night or should I find a sitter?"

Then watch VERY CAREFULLY how she reacts.


She will be confused (Which is what you want)

One because it is your anniversary but you did not bring attention to the fact.
Two she is not sure if you are asking her to join you.



Worse case she says she will watch the children, you go enjoy the night.
She may start asking questions. What questions might she ask?

[Bo562]

Nice. I need to do this and not back off it.

Our anniversary is 12/10 (weekday night), and we have people coming in for YS baptism the next weekend, so I already made dinner reservations for 12/22 (Sat.) Not bringing it up unless she does. I’ll round up some alternative activities for that night, and do like you suggested. Hope I don’t chicken out. I got this!

[Bo562]

Adam,

Still don’t especially like her calling me by first name, but I guess I shouldn’t get bent out of shape when this is the same woman who has claimed she isn’t sure she even wants to be M to me. So why should I get worked up about pet names?

I did address her by her first name earlier this evening, in asking her a question about our YS. She didn’t sound like she was ready to hear that from me (her reaction seemed surprised). I’ll have to keep this up.

[Bo562]

R2C,

Questions she might ask:

Where is he going?

Is anyone else going? If so, who?

Why no mention of our anniversary?

[Adam04]

Adam,

Still don’t especially like her calling me by first name, but I guess I shouldn’t get bent out of shape when this is the same woman who has claimed she isn’t sure she even wants to be M to me. So why should I get worked up about pet names?

I did address her by her first name earlier this evening, in asking her a question about our YS. She didn’t sound like she was ready to hear that from me (her reaction seemed surprised). I’ll have to keep this up.

Is your first name that bad or something? j/k

Be strong Bo, slow and steady. Take time to process your emotions and try not to get caught up in the moment. Be careful you're not doing it to evoke a reaction from her, but I get it, you don't like the first name so you giving her some of the same medicine. What would happen if she said something different, would you be okay with it? You should be if you were detaching and not having every little thing she says or does affect you.

Don't pressure her about the anni. I had mine last month(14 years married, 24T) and I don't think we told each other happy anni or anything like that. It was before I found DB so I made rookie mistakes of trying to do something nice. She said it felt like pressure. In the last 4 months I can see how many mistakes I made and they got me nowhere. I can tell you that you will need to be patient and allow time to work its magic.

[Ready2Change]

I was thinking more of questions she would ask you.