Here's a quick(ish, okay - not quick at all) update:
This is my first week with S3 being out of the house. I was not prepared for the emotions. S14 is staying with me because it's closer to his school (his choice), so I haven't completely lost it. It's full blown depression this week - I'm typically up early and getting things done, but I haven't gotten up until the last minute to get to work on time. My evening are unproductive and I feel like I have no time, even though I have more than I'm used to. My whole routine has gone down the drain and I'm struggling to pull myself together.
The only positive, if you can call it that, is that my W has decided to forfeit her portion of the equity in the home and remove her name from the title. It's a huge financial positive, but this is a big sign of just how out-the-door she is. The stress of work, school, kids, pets, separating the finances, finalizing the separation/divorce agreement, and taking care of the house solo is all building up. My normal coping mechanisms are failing me and I haven't done a single GAL thing for myself.
I took S14 out to dinner earlier in the week which was nice, but I topped off the night by hand feeding my wife the proverbial cake by dropping off stuff for S3 where she was staying, which happened to be OM's house. I felt pressured to do it because S14 needed something he left there a while ago, but I was a wreck for a couple hours afterword (not crying, just lethargic/spaced out). I decided in that moment to not willingly let her eat cake anymore.
All in all, a few steps back this week. GAL tonight with a work function and gonna take the kids out with a buddy and his kid. W is running into issues getting the mortgage finalized on her new place because we don't have a legal agreement yet - so we need to get that straightened out along with a few bills. I really need to build a routine, but I need to solidify some goals and create action plans before I get there.
Are they step backs? I’m not so sure. You are allowed to have days when you feel a bit low. A step back would have been contacting her and telling her how she is making you feel as it would have been pursuit.
Is dropping your sons things off cake eating? I don’t think so. She probably should have got them herself but who benefited in the end. Your son. I’m sure he wants his stuff. Just makes you the better person in my view. Put your kids in front of yourself.
You’ve recognised that you’re feeling a bit low and what you need to do to remedy it. Problem. Solution. Sorted.
Wife is moving her portion of the furniture out later today to her new house. Feels weird, but I'm significantly more detached than I was previously. I'm torn on whether I want to be here to make sure her and her crew of folks dont jack stuff up or getting myself out of the house. I'm planning on not being here, mostly because I think OM is going to be one of the people helping move. I haven't seen him since this whole thing kicked off and dont know how either of us would react. I don't need that interaction in my life. I know that goes against what I said about detachment, but detachment from W/MR and feelings toward her and OM are different. I accept and am doing okay with life without W, but thinking about the betrayal by the two of them can still make me livid - I haven't been able to identify why it makes me livid sometimes and not others. Something to work on.
Been getting out a lot with friends, or even just with the kids. Not enough solo stuff imo. I have the little one tonight, so not planning on doing anything for NYE - getting a good night's rest to get a good start on 2019. Ordered a ton of books on self-improvement, been planning out how I want the house/furniture setup, and been planning a bunch of trips.
Keep up the good work. I hear you with the sudden livid moments - they show up unannounced, usually when I’m trying to get to sleep. Emotional rollercoaster and all that. Remember that emotions come and go but the truth remains the same. Live life according to truth, not feelings.
I’m throwing around some Marcus Aurelius quotes today. Here’s yours:
“When anyone offends against you, let your first thought be, Under what conception of good and ill was this committed? Once you know that, astonishment and anger will give place to pity.”
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Is that quote from Meditations? I just listened to that book back in November. Tragically it's on my W's audible account, all my audio books are. One of my 180s I'm working on is digesting knowledge and actually applying it. I didn't take good notes during that listen, narrator put me to sleep almost instantly.
Stoic and Buddhist philosophy have both been surprisingly useful during all of this. I've always been decent at being present, but the strong focus from both of those really took it to another level. Mindfulness meditation has been incredibly helpful in understanding and processing the emotions. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck is a good one for buddhism with the religious aspect of it. Pretty funny at times, too.
Well it's been a minute since I've posted. A lot has changed. My WW has been in her new house for a month now; my new furniture that I ordered still hasn't arrived yet, so my living/dining room are still empty since the beginning of January (though I put a tent up for the weeks I have my kids, lots of fun). I've been reading still, though not as much as before - I really need to buckle down in this area as I have a dozen or so books that I got myself for XMas. I've been listening to a ton of podcasts and trying to implement change in my life.
My efforts to GAL are going decently - went to a poker night with a buddy and his crew. They're a loud, rowdy bunch which is a nice change of pace from my typically quiet nerdy friends. I've been hanging out with the nerdy crew a lot (lives right across the street, so easy to get together) - nice to just go have some lighthearted fun. We went snowboarding which I haven't done in over 15 years; lots of crashes, but lots of fun. I've been working out a bit, though I strained something in my upper back so I'm having to work around that. Down to 189lbs from 218lbs when my wife hit me with the BD; I'm starting to see my abs again! I've been focusing on cooking really good food recently, though my kitchen is pretty barren compared to what it was before (appliance-wise). Also hung out with friends for the lunar eclipse, we had a fire pit, high-powered binoculars, and a telescope so it was pretty neat (but cold AF).
My WW has been asking me for favors since this whole thing started, and I've been obliging until earlier this week. She asked me to check on a prescription for her, which I've done many times, even once after BD. This time however, I told her that I felt like that wasn't appropriate given the current circumstances. I asked that we do not ask personal favors from one another outside of childcare/things left at the house. She blew up, asked if we were still friends, threatened to cut me out of her life (this confused me) - I told her that at the moment I was undecided on remaining her friend. She wanted an explanation, to which I responded that being friends in the future may be possible, but at the moment it was too much of an emotional burden for me. She was not satisfied with that answer so she called me. I foolishly answered, but kept my cool and reiterated my stance. The big mistake happened the next day. I keep a couple journals, one for gratitude, another for writing and processing my emotions. In the latter, I had wrote about my feelings towards maintaining a friendship - in a moment of weakness, I decided to email this with my W so that she could understand my feelings on the situation. Huge mistake - I had written about how she betrayed my trust, our MR, and I talked about her affair with OM. When she read it the next day, she blew up again. She doesn't see her and OM as an affair as it started after BD (so she claims), we are separated (not legally, but physically), and in her mind we would already be divorced if not for some other legal stuff holding us up from filing (not true, but we would be a lot closer to finalizing the D). She got extremely defensive and called off plans to see S3 that night because she didn't want to see me and claims we are not friends. She cuts people out of her life quickly when they challenge her morals, values, and actions so I guess I can add myself to that growing list. We'll see how it shakes out.
Anyway, I really messed that one up. I'm emotional over it, I tend to get really bad anxiety when situations get too emotionally charged especially with my W - one of my action items is to practice greater emotional courage. Like I said before, she is the one person I've ever really been truly vulnerable with (and her with me). It's certainly not the end of the world, but the whole situation hurts still (the D, the A, the split parenting, and this most recent battle). I keep my ring on for whatever reason. It used to be as a show that reconciliation was still my goal, but at this point keeping it on is a burden that I endure purely because of my convictions.
