And what Sandi says gives me all the more reason to be vindictive to her and have her feel even more pain and anguish in the coming weeks and months.
I believe I addressed the subject of vindictiveness on your thread. Enforcing your boundaries may cause her certain consequences for dishonoring them.....or it may not. As a man of honor, you make the decisions that you believe are right and line up with your values/principles. But your goal should not be to show vindictiveness toward her. I'm sure it must be difficult when your spouse is rubbing your nose in her cr@p every day.
Another thing some LBH's struggle with is not rescuing the WW when she starts experiencing trouble/problems (from whatever source or for whatever reason). Although she's treated him horribly, and nothing has changed in their R, she'll often run to him to bail her out. That's when he has to allow her to put on her big girl panties and deal with it herself. Again, this is not vindication, IMHO, but it's simply allowing her to deal with the reality of her choices...….and/or how live without him will be for her. This is not punishment. It is you not bailing her out of the consequences of life that hit her. Make sense? She doesn't want to be M to you, so with the end of the M comes the end of you protecting her and fixing her problems.
It's not your job to administer punishment to her. It's your job to protect your own feelings (set boundaries around yourself) and know what action you will do if those boundaries are crossed. It's not about you controlling her, but protecting yourself. You have to know how to separate making calm decisions rather than reacting to emotional pain. Are you focused on seeing her suffer...…….. or are you focused on protecting yourself from the pain she inflicts on you?
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I also know that saying what I said means I need to detach and GAL more. And continue to seek counseling for these feelings. But holy crap...I have never felt this kind of anger ever.
Well, it takes time to figure all of this out and deal with your emotions. GAL is the best medicine you take. Even if you just go somewhere to read......it gets you away from the house.
You may need to do some specific type of vigorous activity that works off some the anger. Like punching a boxing bag.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I believe I addressed the subject of vindictiveness on your thread. Enforcing your boundaries may cause her certain consequences for dishonoring them.....or it may not. As a man of honor, you make the decisions that you believe are right and line up with your values/principles. But your goal should not be to show vindictiveness toward her. I'm sure it must be difficult when your spouse is rubbing your nose in her cr@p every day.
I'm sure you did. I need to go back into my thread history and brush up and reinforce the healthy habits you folks have lined out.
It is difficult to have her act that way, but I know I have control over my reaction to her disrespect. It is something I need to embrace.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Another thing some LBH's struggle with is not rescuing the WW when she starts experiencing trouble/problems (from whatever source or for whatever reason). Although she's treated him horribly, and nothing has changed in their R, she'll often run to him to bail her out. That's when he has to allow her to put on her big girl panties and deal with it herself. Again, this is not vindication, IMHO, but it's simply allowing her to deal with the reality of her choices...….and/or how live without him will be for her. This is not punishment. It is you not bailing her out of the consequences of life that hit her. Make sense? She doesn't want to be M to you, so with the end of the M comes the end of you protecting her and fixing her problems.
I just now recognized my rescuing her a few weeks ago when I had to drive home with a heating pad and ankle tape for her. I said it was out of concern for D4, but everyone else here saw through my BS when I claimed it was me just trying to "help her out".
Originally Posted by sandi2
It's not your job to administer punishment to her. It's your job to protect your own feelings (set boundaries around yourself) and know what action you will do if those boundaries are crossed. It's not about you controlling her, but protecting yourself. You have to know how to separate making calm decisions rather than reacting to emotional pain. Are you focused on seeing her suffer...…….. or are you focused on protecting yourself from the pain she inflicts on you?
I am now focused on seeing her suffer. It is a unhealthy habit I am working on moving forward from. I have expressed previously that I would like to genuinely forgive her down the road. I just cannot do it right now, even if by some miracle she wants to discuss R now.
My feelings being protected from her is a work in progress. The last time I truly exposed my feelings to her was about two months ago after the emotional MC session. And we all know what you thought of that . I'm hoping and working on that session being the last time I expose anything about myself to her. I am not thinking about how I will act if I D or R. In my mind, it's too far away and I am not going to focus on that anymore.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Well, it takes time to figure all of this out and deal with your emotions. GAL is the best medicine you take. Even if you just go somewhere to read......it gets you away from the house.
You may need to do some specific type of vigorous activity that works off some the anger. Like punching a boxing bag.
I'm appreciating that time is beginning to heal these wounds. I still ask for an ending to this, but I am also looking forward to the kind of person I will be next month, four months, and a year from now. I'm already starting to see and feel the changes.
Sandi2 - I see most of your posts related to responding to WW behaviors. How would you differentiate w.r.t WAW? is the approach to a WAW same as that of a WW based on what you have posted above?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Sandi2 - I see most of your posts related to responding to WW behaviors. How would you differentiate w.r.t WAW? is the approach to a WAW same as that of a WW based on what you have posted above?
From my experience and my observations the differences start in the mindset/heart of the WW/WAW. The WAW has no ulterior motive or secret agenda (unless she is saving herself and her children from a dangerous situation). Perhaps I should say she has not selfish secret agenda that involves another man. The WAW's character has not changed. She doesn't compromise her integrity and moral character. She doesn't forsake her children in order to live a "Girls Gone Wild" lifestyle. She doesn't engage in any inappropriate relationship with OM. If she leaves her husband, it is b/c the H made her life and/or the children's life so intolerable and unhappy that it's a choice to get out of bad situation. There's many levels to this scenario, ranging from the H being a jerk, not providing for his family,......to him being abusive, an alcoholic/drug addict, being imprisoned, etc. His actions kills her love. However, there is no change in who she is as a person. She may choose to leave him and make positive changes in her life.......but her personality, character, overt behavior, treatment of others, moral code of conduct, etc. that identifies who she is...…..basically does not change. She may have negative feelings toward her H, but it does not turn her into a wayward woman who loses her moral compass.
For the wayward W, it begins with resentment that has never been resolved or forgiven. This is usually connected/projected to the H, and she may carry the resentment for years. In fact, it grows......and grows. The resentment turns to feelings of disrespect for him as her H and as a man. It can turn to feelings of contempt. Her feelings of emptiness, unhappiness, loneliness, and unfulfillment in her MR begins to consume her. Her attitude/mindset slowly takes on a bitter and rebellious tone. She starts showing signs of disrespect for her H and their MR. She may develop a sense of entitlement, and believe it's time for her to find whatever makes her happy. Her feelings are her priority. She does not have to engage in an affair in order to be classified as wayward, however, in most reports that we read on the board.....this is the case. The WW's behavior and character changes are usually radical, and is shocking to her family. Her H does not recognize who she has become. In the majority of stories I've read involving WW's, she will try to keep her A secret, especially from her parents. She may change friends, if old friends don't support her new choices/changes. If the WW is successful in making her H believe she's just not in love with him and wants a S/D and that there is no OM, yada, yada, yada...…….you can bet this woman has an hidden agenda. It is revealed as soon as the H is out of the picture, and she brings her new man on the scene. If she is not financially able to live on her own, she will announce they are IHS.....and she will cake eat until a better deal comes along for her. She has not intention of reconciling the MR. She'll usually tell her H she wants them to be friends, which means she wants him to be available for her to "use". She wants power over what he does.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I appreciate your long written thoughts on this differences. So how should the basic approach be in dealing with WAW vs WW?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Thank you Sandi for that description. When I first came here I thought I was dealing with a WAW but your description of WW describes what I am facing perfectly. It's actually quite shocking how accurate it fits.
NC, have you had a chance to go Sandi's first post on this thread? She has 6 threads that go into detail about the mindset of the WW and how to approach her.
Pain18 - I have and those are related to WW. I am actually looking for the approach for WAW..there are some subtle differences that I need to know and what they are.
Maybe it's in the best interest of forum moderators/samdi2 to setup a detailed separate thread on the approach for WAW as well.
I also know that MWD does not differentiate WAW vs WW. Where as sandi2 has disagreement on this and expects to tread slightly different if it's a WAW.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
But Sandi2.. these are all related to WW. Not WAW correct?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
. I'm hoping and working on that session being the last time I expose anything about myself to her. I am not thinking about how I will act if I D or R. In my mind, it's too far away and I am not going to focus on that anymore.