Adam, after BD I became a voracious reader. Books, articles, blogs, forum posts, everything. More information is better than not enough. So I encourage you to continue to read. Continue to learn. Continue to grow.
There will come a point where you are no longer reading about MR, or D. But reading about how to improve as a person.
The other thing I did was find forums like this. The give and take balances out the constant reading and information intake. Like everything else in life, balance is the key. Trying to be as balanced as possible. Keep posting! Keep learning! Keep growing!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am on that journey and already just from today I think I've identified family of origIn issue where I was supporting my mother since kindergarten. She came over from overseas and as she was learning to live here, learning to read Dick And Jane books I had surpassed her learning by the time I was in first grade. By the time I was in second grade I was walking miles to help pay my mothers bills and take care of legal things, speaking to lawyers for her and taking care of all her finances. This benefited me by becoming strong in my youth, both physically from walking everywhere for miles, and mentally I was street smart and book smart, valedictorian in middle school. However due to strained relationships, being the oldest of 6 and also being the head of the household this took an emotional toll on me which I later carried into my current relationship. I used to joke with W that I hit my prime when I was alrdy in my teens. Sadly I may have been right. I slowly turned to W to fill all my emotional needs and to take care of me because I didn't get that from my mother. I was living an illusion. I know I should heed self diagnosing but in discovery, this feels obvious and true. It's so early and I hope through IC when the time is right for that and other avenues I am able to declare self and can love a wholesome life. Thank you again for your thread on self differentiation. I have lots to learn and @ burned, I definitely will need that 3ring notebook now to keep all this info sorted.
Btw, also felt kinda good knowing my in laws were a bit over enmeshed with all their gossiping and sharing of everyone's personal issues. Read that this was disfunctional and glad I did not add to that or run to anyone in her family to talk about our issues. Glad I kept them out for my sake. I know she has lied to them but not concerned about that right now.
Just a quick post for this morning.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Couple things during the week I paid little attention to. One, W picked up some wine for her female boss and another lady friend from work at a liquor store. I thought she might have picked up some liquor for the OM but it was a fleeting thought, quickly passed as it came. Never checked to see. The other thing during the week was my S10 teacher told him he could be off on Friday although my W said she called the school and they said it was a regular school day. When my son asked me if he could stay home Friday all day by himself he said my W told him to ask me. I was like wth, why didn't she tell him no from the get go. I told my son NO and told him not to get upset because he's too young to be staying at home by himself. Also told W my stance on that. Other than that, work out, read a little at work, and come home late, eat, shower, little time with kids and bed.
Its the weekends that put me face to face with W. Friday night came home, she was with MIL ready to go eat. She asked if I wanted to go with them. I said no thanks so she jokingly mimics me and I thought she was ridiculing me. I said don't be weird and let it go.
Later that night, when she got home by S6 was playing with a Christmas tree eraser and asked me to go to the living room where W was sitting watching tv. I went out there and he holds up the tree and tells me to go. He said daddy go ahead and mom, go ahead. He holds the tree up like a mistletoe. He's laughing and giggling and we play it off for a minute and say we would kiss him. He keeps insisting so I had to get up. I'm in the kitchen so he tells W to do it and she tells him, I don't think daddy wants to. I didn't say anything at the time until I see he's playing in the cushions and I told her that's not fair to put it on me. Making it seem like its my fault. Left it at that and played hide and go seek with my son for a little while.
Then this morning, S6 tells W he wants to go on a cruise which he expressed to me last night as well. He's been so afraid of planes so it was a big thing for him to say he wanted to go anywhere and that he'll try by boat. She comes into the living room where I was and said now we gotta go somewhere by cruise and said we could during summer. I said yeah, by summer? Yall can go. She said yall? Why not we? She asked what would he think if I wasn't there. I asked her how would that look if we went on a cruise and where would I be, in a different room? I said we are separating in 5 more months and I am more concerned about how he will feel once we separate and I'm not living with them. That's when I told her that I would want 50% custody and maybe we need to start thinking about legal advice on how to split things for the separation. She was shocked. She said she thought we talked about it and that the kids would stay with her. She said she didn't want the kids to be going back and forth every week. I told her the only thing we talked about was if I needed help that I might stay with her but we both planned for me to move out and I brought up the times she was asking me those questions about the apartment hunting in front of her siblings. I also said because you see your sister going on trips with her ex doesn't mean we are going to be that way.
I don't know if it's DB or not, but I told her I do not want her to use the kids or say things in front of the kids making it seem like its my fault for not wanting this to work. I skirted around the R talk saying its been 4 months and we've not talked about what we needed to do with the kids and in 5 months we should be able to discuss our plan for the kids. She had to leave for an appointment and said she thought I wanted to work it out and now I have a different stance. She said she had needed this time to figure out her feelings and that she was still angry. She asked me if I had a girlfriend and if this was why I had this change. I told her no, I don't need to be in another relationship or see someone else to feel this way. I also said something, taking a cheapshot, about I'm not weak to look outside our marriage. I was a little angry at that time. She asked me something else about why all the changes. I have this feeling inside like I want to let her know I see my faults and I am sorry for them and that I am working to change them, but I didn't. I don't think she deserves to know that unless we are Recon or D. I think those two times will be when I say something, the in between she will have to just see. I did say I had changed to something I didn't like and that I was working towards getting back to the old me.
So she went to get her hair done, then went out with her family to eat dinner and came home earlier. The kids wanted me to watch a movie with them and she was sitting there. She got up and extended her arms out to me, first temp check I've seen in a while. I put my hands in her hands and she hugged me.
I am hoping that it won't get ugly. In the new year, I really think I will have to lawyer up big time. I can't trust her. I can see why people don't want to be with their WAS anymore just from the distrust alone.
There was a list somewhere I saw about things to discuss with spouse when separating with kids involved. Like custody time, and when to tell them. Agreeing on what we need to tell them, etc. It may have been a video. I've watched so many youtube videos I cant keep track. This has been so much info overload.
After I spoke to W and she left, I watched some Jerry Wise videos on detachment, emotional cut offs and watched one where he said just because we tell them we aren't going somewhere, it doesn't mean we are emotionally separating ourselves from them. So it got me thinking wouldn't that at least be a start? Create the space first? I don't see how you can be close to someone and then automatically "distance" yourself from them while being right there. IMO, I need to control the space. Like these weekends, if I wasn't near here I would not have these types of engagements/close encounters of the third kind, etc...
I visited my friend last week with my kids. This Christmas I was going to go to my brother's house for a bonfire, but he wigged-out today. Already told W I was planning to go to his house for dinner but now that's changed. We were not planning to have lunch or dinner at my house. I might decide tomorrow to make some groceries. Yes making groceries is a thing here where I am from
Please feel free to comment or share your thoughts/ideas.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I can see why people don't want to be with their WAS anymore just from the distrust alone.
Hey Adam,
I know my sitch is different from yours, and I know mine is not as dire as others’ here (at least not yet), but I find myself struggling with wanting to be with W, and not totally trusting her (always wondering if / when she will leave, is there someone else, how much trust can I put into having a future with her, etc.)
The thought has crossed my mind (and reading it here on the forums has helped my internalize it better), that I want / deserve someone who truly wants to be with me.
Hey Bo, I read your sitch. I understand it's hard with the trust. I don't think you are dealing with a WW so if you want to treat it as WAS, that may help to look at it under a different light. Even with WW, just my opinion, if you focus on them, anything can be wasted energy. WW,WAS,MLC, w/e, our actions should be the same. Do for you and the kids, love your W and give her some space. My W when she had our second one was slow in coming back around. Give your W some time. Its early. Keep the workout going, be there for the kids, and GAL.
I do deserve someone who truly wants me. Have to be patient and see how this all plays out.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Hi Adam, I have a quick question about this quote:
Quote
I said yeah, by summer? Yall can go. She said yall? Why not we? She asked what would he think if I wasn't there. I asked her how would that look if we went on a cruise and where would I be, in a different room? I said we are separating in 5 more months and I am more concerned about how he will feel once we separate and I'm not living with them. That's when I told her that I would want 50% custody and maybe we need to start thinking about legal advice on how to split things for the separation.
Why did you bring this up? Are you dead set on separating? You are coming off as bitter. Why even bring up the part about staying in different rooms? Why not say "yea that would be fun" and move on if you don't want to talk about it?
If I read correctly, you are DB'ing in hopes of recon. So my advice would be to not bring up divorce or separation unless you are wanting to talk about that with her.
I think she is probably very confused right now in what you are thinking and also with herself too.
Quote
She said she had needed this time to figure out her feelings and that she was still angry.
I want to believe her here. If she was deadset on divorce, she'd have done it by now.
Quote
She asked me if I had a girlfriend and if this was why I had this change. I told her no, I don't need to be in another relationship or see someone else to feel this way. I also said something, taking a cheapshot, about I'm not weak to look outside our marriage.
Why not just answer her question and say "No"? Everything else was just passive aggressive garbage. You wouldn't like someone talking to you like that. Do a 180 there. Catch yourself when you get agitated and nip it in the bud.
That whole convo about the cruise was unnecessary. The good thing is you have plenty of time to turn this around. But you need to purge some of those bad feelings before interacting with her.
Merry Christmas.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hi Adam, I have a quick question about this quote:
Quote
I said yeah, by summer? Yall can go. She said yall? Why not we? She asked what would he think if I wasn't there. I asked her how would that look if we went on a cruise and where would I be, in a different room? I said we are separating in 5 more months and I am more concerned about how he will feel once we separate and I'm not living with them. That's when I told her that I would want 50% custody and maybe we need to start thinking about legal advice on how to split things for the separation.
Why did you bring this up? Are you dead set on separating? You are coming off as bitter. Why even bring up the part about staying in different rooms? Why not say "yea that would be fun" and move on if you don't want to talk about it?
If I read correctly, you are DB'ing in hopes of recon. So my advice would be to not bring up divorce or separation unless you are wanting to talk about that with her.
I think she is probably very confused right now in what you are thinking and also with herself too.
Quote
She said she had needed this time to figure out her feelings and that she was still angry.
I want to believe her here. If she was deadset on divorce, she'd have done it by now.
Quote
She asked me if I had a girlfriend and if this was why I had this change. I told her no, I don't need to be in another relationship or see someone else to feel this way. I also said something, taking a cheapshot, about I'm not weak to look outside our marriage.
Why not just answer her question and say "No"? Everything else was just passive aggressive garbage. You wouldn't like someone talking to you like that. Do a 180 there. Catch yourself when you get agitated and nip it in the bud.
That whole convo about the cruise was unnecessary. The good thing is you have plenty of time to turn this around. But you need to purge some of those bad feelings before interacting with her.
Merry Christmas.
ovrrnbw,
So do you believe that if the WW hasnt filed yet, they are still confused? Or still deciding? My WW has done nothing. She has gotten an L, talked about moving out, asked me to move out, etc, but has done nothing, just continued on living IHS. Of course when I see her she is fine, she never acts sad etc. WWs put on a happy face to make the world think that they made the superb righteous decision. My WW has said stuff like "I am not cheating because I separated from you" and "Its not wrong what I did/am doing". It disgusts me that she can say these things.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
