burned puts one foot in front of the other

[DejaVu6]

Geez Burned... you are spiraling a bit there. I know how you feel but you have to move past it. Your W is someone else right now. You need to stop worrying about your every “move” and how she is going to react. Do what you need to do for YOU. You can’t no back. Most of us would like to but none of us can. So you need to go forward and do what is best for you. Your W will do what she thinks she needs to do. Let her do it.

[Grace21]

I watched some Jordan Peterson videos about how rejection by women in their early 30s is a bad sign that means that the men they reject are not good reproductive material. So, feeling kind of down on myself about not being an alpha male and a lighthouse and all of that. I don’t know what happened in life to get me to this point.

Why would you want to watch such videos? Isn’t it useless? Doesn’t it keep you stuck in the doom and gloom? Seems to me you should be seeked out uplifting things to focus on. Might help get you out of your funk.

Net result: still stuck feeling like I’ve “failed” in my career and my relationships. Worried that my innate weaknesses will perpetuate that. Afraid/unwilling to make the gigantic changes that might improve my sitch. Like...I could move back to my home city, get a new job, etc. But then I’d lose contact with my friends here (although I could make new friends) and I feel like living hours away would make R with W even less likely.

This made me immediately think of my H. He is so stuck in feeling inadequate that he can’t figure out what to do. Said as much last week. Although he is successful in his career, and makes a great salary, he always compares himself to others that have more $ and therefore must be more successful than him. I’ve heard these comments for 27 years. He doesn’t think he could give me what I need or deserve. Maybe it’s better to just sell everything, retire, and move away near the kids. All these thoughts keep him stuck. None of them are actions that improve his situation. Seems to me that is where you might be now. If your job isn’t going well, what actions can you take to improve it? What weaknesses within yourself do you recognize that you could work on? What ACTIONS can you take to improve your life on a day to day basis, one step at a time?

So today I’ll try to stay busy. I’ll go in to work to do some more catching up. Maybe I’ll still be employed in 2019. Maybe I won’t, and then that’s one less reason to stay in this town. I do worry that losing my job would also mean losing even more respect from W. That would be difficult to bounce back from. Sigh.

Again, what actions can you take to improve the job situation. You are tying is to how your W will react, and that certainly isn’t detachment.

I feel for you. It’s easy to get into a funk, and very difficult to get out. Hugs.

[Yail]

Is your LinkedIn up to date? Resume in top form? Maybe in building yourself up and open to a new opportunity you can feel prepared for whatever life throws at you. Then you refocus yourself at work so you can be on your game, and whatever your next move is career wise it will be YOUR choice.

[FlySolo]

Well, relatively predictable turn of events. Told W I’d think about the house deal. (Should I wait until she asks again to tell her my answer?)

Tell her what you think when you know what you want. Go speak to the mortgage company. Google and find out what the laws are in your state. Information is power. Get your [censored] ducks in a row. Know what you want and more importantly, what you're willing to give up. It is a business transaction, nothing more, nothing less.

Was feeling good until later in the day, still struggling at work (ups and downs there, too), so I got panicky but I did the best I could do and then went home. Later, GAL with the new friend group. Played a goofy board game from the 70s called Careers. I almost won but then I hit a square that cost me all of my “love” points. Ended up with a huge salary and a ton of fame. Oh well.

Good for you for going out. BTW - A board game has nothing to do with your life. You are looking meaning everywhere. Sometimes a board game is just a board game.

This morning, watched some Jordan Peterson videos about how rejection by women in their early 30s is a bad sign that means that the men they reject are not good reproductive material.

When I was where you are I watched lots and lots of stand up comedies. You need laughter in your life.

So, feeling kind of down on myself about not being an alpha male and a lighthouse and all of that. I don’t know what happened in life to get me to this point. I used to be a pretty strong guy. But back then i had nothing to lose. [/burned]

He is there. But you can't see him for all the spinning. You are looking for signs. It is inside of you.

[quote=burned] Now i have a lot to lose and my fear of not losing it is what’s causing me to actually lose it, if that makes any sense. I thought I was doing a lot better, in general. Objectively speaking, I had it all, except a family. Maybe that’s why she left. But then I come here and realize that lots of people have families and the W still left. So, there it is, not much I can do about it.

Net result: still stuck feeling like I’ve “failed” in my career and my relationships. Worried that my innate weaknesses will perpetuate that. Afraid/unwilling to make the gigantic changes that might improve my sitch. Like...I could move back to my home city, get a new job, etc. But then I’d lose contact with my friends here (although I could make new friends) and I feel like living hours away would make R with W even less likely.

She is gone. You have already lost her. But you have not yet lost you. You have not lost your home. You have not lost your job. GAL, 180 and detach. BTW - a home is just bricks and mortar. What makes it a home is the people in it. Make new home. Fill it with new memories.

And then the most predictable thing, W didn’t like what she discovered yesterday (fantasy crumbling? losing control?), so I got the standard passive-aggressive retaliation text this morning. “I packed some more of your things, they’re on the porch, you can get them whenever.” It’s like any time something doesn’t go her way, she gets meaner.

From where I sit this is exactly it. So, she gets a little mean. Water of a ducks back. Once you get over the hurt of her mask of indifference then you will walk a little taller. Do not underestimate the power of a man who walks with his head up high.

So today I’ll try to stay busy. I’ll go in to work to do some more catching up. Maybe I’ll still be employed in 2019. Maybe I won’t, and then that’s one less reason to stay in this town. I do worry that losing my job would also mean losing even more respect from W. That would be difficult to bounce back from. Sigh.

Work gave me something to focus on when my world was crumbling around me. It permits an automatic detachment. I recognize that this is not the way for everyone. But you do need to find something that allows you to forget about your sitch, even for a few hours.

[Yail]

When I was where you are I watched lots and lots of stand up comedies. You need laughter in your life.

cheers to FS's suggestion. I've been listening to standup on Spotify when I get ready in the morning. It really does help. Just stay away from those that focus on making fun of Rs and M if they prove to sensitive. I skip those.

Tig Notaro and her story about "Searching for Santa". Gets me laughing every time.

[joejoe1]

B,

Hmmmmmmm........Where to start. I type like I think (Who doesn't).

Let me start by saying. START FIGHTING!!! You are finding reasons why your life is SO BAD right now. Start fighting by picking yourself up, having some pride and doing a good job at work. You talking about being fired sounds so defeatess. Trust me I have been where you are. But you still have a life to live and you have to take care of yourself.

Now, why would your W or any other woman want to be with you at the moment. You are making very weak statements, which leads or have led to weak actions. If your W did want to come back and Recon, do you think she would want to do that with a man who has given up on himself. Right now you are not working on a person AMOAFWL. Your M is sh##ty right now, but your life isn't.

You are not loving yourself, a person that can't love themselves can't love another person they also don't have the ability to allow other's to love them.

Your WW is being mean, your PERCEPTION. How about changing your PERCEPTION. Let's assume she is being nice in her own way (an maybe she is not). Go get your items, don't knock on the door. Pick them up, send her a text saying you have retrieve them. Don't say anything else. Saying thank you, will be taking as condescending.

You need to detach, and I'm not talking about physically, your emotions are fully wrapped in your W. You have to untangle your feelings from her actions (easier said than done, I know the feeling). I also know the feeling of when I finally start to allow my W actions be her actions and not a signal to drive my actions. It feels like gaining freedom out of prison. Open the caged that only you have to key to and gate you have locked yourself and give yourself freedom. Free yourself from reactions from another person's action.

Stop watching videos that make you feel bad. Just because a person makes a video on YouTube, don't mean that they have your correct answer. And does what this guy saying about being rejected even make since? People of all ages of all different attractiveness gets rejected. What if you watch a video that speaks of the opposite (people that get rejected, because the other person feels weaker). Watch a few TD Jake videos on Men. I'm sure you will get a better and different message.

Just by you being on this forum proves you are resourceful and a problem solver. It also means you realize you can't do this on your own. You have humbled yourself, like awesome and great men do. Pick yourself up, let Burn free (I will not call you Burned no more) because you arent living in the past. No more Burned from me!!!!

Onward and forward..........

Joejoe01

[DejaVu6]

Well said JoeJoe. No more Burned for me either. Just Burn. You can do this Burn!!! Change your focus. Take some action... for YOU!!! Be AMOAFWL!!

[burned]

OK, thanks all. So, back to basics. I’m re-reading “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fkuc” and got to the part that talks about how happiness comes from solving problems, and the answer to negative emotions is to do something.

So I’ll pick off a couple of tasks that might be inspiring, or at least give me a sense of control. Filling out an application for professional licensure in a neighboring state (my home state, as opposed to W’s home state where I live now and don’t necessarily care for except for her). That would make it easier to find another job, if it comes to that. I can always choose to be the WAE (walk away employee). Then maybe some chores. Maybe reach out to some friends to meet up for dinner.

I just miss her a lot sometimes. But this is my life now. She’s not coming back.

[FlySolo]

(((hugs))) It will get easier B.

It is OK to miss her ... and right now, she is not coming back.

Be strong. Learn to walk with your head up high. It will, strangely, make you feel like you can take on the world (even if inside you are falling apart).

[burned]

Yesterday after I was done moping I invited a friend to get some dinner at our favorite pub. Her H and D5 were busy so she declined, but then commented on the fact that it was one of the first times I was the one to invite THEM out. And I said, yeah, I'm trying to be better about things like that. Small win for the Burninator. So instead I went to another little pub closer to home, had a bacon cheeseburger and a beer, watched the SEC game. OM's school lost. Ha! [Censored] a [censored] you [censored][censored].

Today one of my new friends invited me to help him pick up a load of maple flooring. I almost went but then realized that the best course of action would be to go to work and get some paperwork done.

Confusing WW baloney. Yesterday she texts that she left some stuff on the porch. Not a question, so I didn't respond. Today when I got to the office I found that W had put all of my mail in a big envelope and left it in the mailbox here. My initial reaction was to start spinning, "Oh, I miss her handwriting," blah blah blah. Caught myself doing that so I just stopped it in it tracks. WEAK! No room for that kind of weakness in the life of a Burninator.

I thought, OK, what would a strong person do? What can I do to make it feel like she's not always the one leading the way? So I texted her, "Thanks for the mail, I updated my address last week so it should start forwarding soon." Her response, "Of course." Still at it with the guilt thing, it seems. "Of course, I'm so nice, this is how you SHOULD be acting but you aren't, blah blah." Well, my dear, the primary reason I'm not being nice to you is that YOU CHEATED ON ME and then blew up our life.

I'm kind of fed up with her and fed up with myself. I spent hours this weekend re-reading the WW threads, and my own threads. My approach is STILL too passive but I can't seem to stop this sudden, like...tightness, frozenness that happens when something unpleasant comes up. I just get stuck and cease to function. I think maybe I need to get MORE angry. Burninate the whole thing to the ground.

I hate the person my W became and I miss the person she used to be.