Maybe if they can 'smell' we are still attached, they can also 'smell' when we are moving on? If he does suspect, I do not know how he feels about it.
I was walking tall with my head high and a swing in my step and he thought to himself "she's going to be fine". If he can see it from afar, maybe my H can too.
Thats precisely what I have been led to believe. Consider that in light of what you said yesterday or the day before about how your subtle body language cues send a signal that you don’t feel married. I wonder if THAT is when it finally hits them, on a much deeper, emotional level.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
A colleague I use to work with but now works in a different department commented that he saw me walk past the other day and he said I was walking tall with my head high and a swing in my step and he thought to himself "she's going to be fine". If he can see it from afar, maybe my H can too.
Yes, and you don´t sit waiting for him. You watch him from above indeed. It´s his loss.
I know what you mean about your feelings, the sadness of detaching. But you need to live in the present, keep hope somewhere inside but expectations controlled.
You are the role model for Ds, be proud of who you are, the lighthouse!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Thank you both. It is strange how one can feel so connected to strangers on the internet. I would have gotten to here on my own, I would have rebuilt, but it would have taken me a lot longer.
I am not there (wherever that is) yet. But I am getting closer.
Continue detaching, FS. I think that is the final step for you. You are doing really well otherwise. It really is time to let him go and be okay if there is no R.
I think it goes back to my original question, why have hope? It can get us through the early moments, but it seems to keep people stuck. I'm not saying not to have hope, but you really need to be okay with no R.
Ah FS... it is such a road, isn’t it? I pray for detachment...and I also fear it. I’m not sure detachment and hope can co-exist and that is what I fear most. How do I let go of my H and still hang on to some hope? Does letting go of hope mean letting go of love? I know people say that you can detach with love. I think that is the goal. To have love but not to have hope. Seems simple when you write it. So difficult to do. (((FS)))
Thanks guys for your support. I always knew I think that detachment would eventually be organic - it would just happen after months of being forced, but I had not expected it to hurt. I am in now way saying I am there yet, or that I have given up hope (I don’t think I ever will) but I do not care anymore about the things he says or does. Not strictly true - I do think about things but only in terms of logistics and practicalities. have not been kept up at night going around the tunnels wondering who he is with or what he is doing.
I have been reading DjVs thread and I see so much of me in her words. Me immediately after he MO. I read her pain, her grief and her fear and DjV I just want to say “you will be fine because I am fine and you are me”. You are kind and smart and strong and wonderful. You just need to remember. I so much wish I could give you a hug and say thank you for being you.
Journaling
I am at netball with H and my kids. It is his day today but I said I wanted to come watch. However, when he can over to pick us up it was raining and I said instead of going together I would take D9 in when her game starts and that way he could take D12 home. The girls were playing at different times. He got a bit upset and said something about parking and better with one car. In interest of not getting into an argument, I said ok. So, sat with D9 in cafe whilst D12 played and now sitting with D12 whilst D9 plays. He seems to want to spend time with me but doesn’t know how to say it so uses kids as an excuse. This afternoon he is getting the Christmas decorations out and we are putting the tree etc up together. I asked him to get them out then said I could either put them out this afternoon whilst he has the girls or they could stay and do it together. And Ovrr if you are reading this - yes I recognise this is weird - Cake eating for both of us masquerading as wanting to “keep things normal” for the kids. I know, if things don’t work out this will be the last Christmas together in this house. I am not saying that with sadness - just a fact.
D9 is also suffering from tummy upsets now. I am not sure if this is mimicking D12 or is something that is real. I suspect a bit of both. H now wants us to limit sweets and chocolates as he thinks it is their diet. FFS !!! Take responsibility.
After putting the tree out he is taking them over to his mums and then having them overnight. I will be invited to his mums but might bail today. It is getting increasingly uncomfortable with his family - like I said before. They are mostly embarrassed by what’s happened and don’t really know what to say. His mum thinks our relationship is weird - you don’t act like your separated, he still talks about you like you’re together - and now doesn’t know how to act around us. But I also know that if I stay away too long then that just makes it weirder when we do see each other. This is what happened with his sister and it’s been so long since we saw each other that we can’t just call each other now and see how the other one is doing. I don’t want that to happen between me and his mum - though it is happening anyway. She never calls me to arrange days with the children anymore.
Still no response on email asking him to have the children more often !!!
Awww FS... I wish I could give you a hug and thank you for being you too. I hope very much to be where you are one of these days. I am still struggling to be around my H. I still get a bit of a nervous feeling around him that affects me and I’m sure he sees it. So he tries not to be around me if he can help it. Unlike your H who seems to want to be around you as much as he can be without having to move back in. I don’t think the grass is greener where he is now and he is starting to realize it. I still stand by what I said before... I still think he is one of the ones who is going to want to come back home. I also think that the more you detach and do your own thing, the more he is going to feel that. Right now he is reasonably sure you are still Plan B but doubts are starting to creep in. Keep doing what you are doing and DB for you. You will get there, I have no doubt. (((FS)))
Thanks Neff - I have now googled pull-push dynamics and whilst I do not think either my H or I are being overly affectionate with one another (push) I get your observation. I will try not to swing between one and the other (offering to spend time with them and then pulling back). It is hard. I have always read the temperature in the room and adjust my behavior accordingly. In the months pre BD and until about 3 months ago, this meant adjusting my behavior to what was least likely to set him off. Now, it sometimes means doing what will get a rise out of him - I am coming to netball. I am not coming to netball etc. It is all game playing and I need to watch out for it.
DV (that seems to be the accepted shortening here) - I am so glad I found you (well, obvs. not under these circumstances). I want to see you get stronger and realise the wonderful person you are. You have helped countless people here.
I decided against going to his mums. Didn't get invited tbh but am still feeling pretty rotten from Thursday nights antics and would not have been good company for anyone. In fact, when we got back from netball I said that I was going to lay down for an hour as I had a headache. It is his day to have them, so I figured I could do that. I told him to get the Christmas decorations out and that I would help. When I got up the decs were out, but I couldn't muster the energy to put them out so said I would do it with the girls tomorrow afternoon (when I have them). He seemed OK with this but did not invite me to his mums. They stayed for about four hours and eventually I said "hun, don't you have to go". I know I shouldn't have called him "hun" but it just came out (weakness) and I wasn't kicking him out - it was just that they were going to be late. There was no thought in it whatsoever. Well, they got up to go, I helped the kids get ready, waved them goodbye, told my H to have a nice time, and then shut the door.
So, am home watching Netflix and reading threads on the forums. I am OK. Not pining for my family and not trying to fill the void of them not being here.
There were a couple of weird moments today. Some passive-aggressive controlling comments, some strangely "couply" moments and then just sitting on the sofa watching cartoons with the girls and scrolling on his phone (FB and news from what I could tell and the odd text). Nope - I wasn't snooping. He showed some posts to D12 and he was on WhatsApp when I walked past. Where he has always been super secretive about his phone (it never left his side) he know leaves it face up on the side.
Sleepless night last night. Lots of weird dreams. Being blindfolded in a small boat, not knowing where I'm going, climbing a mountain and knowing I have to get somewhere but not knowing where, and then being held by a co-worker and being told that things will be OK. Doesn't take a lot to work out that my dreams are reflecting my confusion about where I am headed, but that I am heading there anyway.
Girls with my H last night and wasn't due to see them until lunch (I was being picked up for football) so decided to go into town for brunch and then get my nails done. Was running late back (old anxiety rising re the "I told you I would be here at 12. Why aren't you ready?") but luckily beat them back. H is always late for everything (and never apologies) but god forbid I ever be late. When they got here, I said I might give footie a miss and keep D9 with me. I actually like going to footie but thought that D9 might appreciate not sitting in the cold for 2 hours watching her sister play. Got that "look" and stupidly relented. There were road diversions on the way and we ended up getting lost. He asked me to look up the address so he could put it into the satnav and I wasn't fast enough so he whispered (loudly) "Do I have to do everything" and he found it on his phone and put it into the satnav. I looked out the window.
Got there and took D9 to the pub to sit in the warm whilst D12's team warmed up. When I came out I gave him the coffee I had gotten him (politeness), he said thank you, and I went and stood by one of the other dads. We were chatting and H came and stood by me. He commented on and off during the game (this is new - up until recently, he avoided talking to me at the games). When we got back the house, he stopped for about 15 mins (I was doing the washing so didn't really talk to him) and then called out "I'm going FS" so I came out and said goodbye. He felt the need to tell me that he is going to watch the Liverpool game and will be back in the morning to pick us.
The only thing that threw me today was that he had put his flat into his satnav as "home". I guess a part of me still thinks of this as his home. He turned it off as soon as he saw I had noticed. It is funny the little things that can still throw me. I don't care anymore what he does when he is not with me. But the fact that he had put his flat into a satnav and called it home hurt.
and whilst I do not think either my H or I are being overly affectionate with one another (push) I get your observation. I will try not to swing between one and the other (offering to spend time with them and then pulling back). It is hard. I have always read the temperature in the room and adjust my behavior accordingly. In the months pre BD and until about 3 months ago, this meant adjusting my behavior to what was least likely to set him off. Now, it sometimes means doing what will get a rise out of him - I am coming to netball. I am not coming to netball etc. It is all game playing and I need to watch out for it.