Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 3

[Yail]

Turbine,

What I love about this recent post of yours is you are reminding yourself of your goals and what you've already done to work towards them. And then you identify some other goals and you remind yourself you can do it. You're asking for help when needed, and reminding yourself where your strengths lie. You seem to be a very well rounded person with a focus on intellectual, emotional, financial, physical well being.

What are your thoughts on the job your D suggested? Is it something you may pursue? That's awfully nice she's rooting for you in this way.

[DejaVu6]

Turbine... I really wish there was something I could say to you right now that would help. I had an awful day Wednesday. Close to tears a number of times and then a bit of a meltdown when I got home. Fighting a migraine (still am). Yesterday was a very different day. I went out for a couple of walks with co-workers and at points during the walks, I remember thinking..."Hey...I'm feeling okay right now."... and then I gave myself permission to feel okay. Sometimes I think things are always the darkest before the dawn. I feel like I am on the edge of letting go and these waves of sadness that have been hitting me lately are just my stubborn heart that still wants to have that life I thought I had and would have with my H. And after so many years of constantly thinking about the needs of others, I'm starting to ask myself... "What does DV want?" and, more importantly, what does DV DESERVE. I KNOW that I deserved much better than what my H has given me over the years and what he would be capable of giving me now given where his head is at. You DESERVE more too.

None of us are in these sitches by choice. This has been forced upon us in the cruelest of ways. But not all of our choices have been taken away. We get to choose how we handle this. We get to choose whether we hold our heads up high and make the best of things or hang our heads down low and be victims. Like it or not, many of us will still end up D regardless of what we do. So...I am choosing the former... for me, for my kids, and for my H. I will never agree with him and the things he has done. Certainly, different choices on his part would have led to a different outcome but I have to recognize and honour that they were his choices to make. So I continue to work on me... he will do what he will do. I will survive and you will too. (((Turbine)))

[Turbine]

Yail, DejaVu6,

Thanks for the encouragement.

My kids are very supportive. To the point of wanting me to move in with them. A really great gesture of which I am proud of them for that. Am I ready for that? I don't know. Post D it would put a damper on a new R with whoever. Yes no change, hoping to work this out with Mrs. Turbine.

Speaking of which here are the following tidbits for consideration.

L says in conversation with other L that W seems hesitant. I want to talk to her again and make sure what is being conveyed. I want to act from as solid a position as I can. No expectations, no pressure, any change to be incremental and easy to pull back from. Although victory favors the bold. Not sure who said it but it sounds familiar.

Text from oldest D. Apparently W asked her if I am mad about something. Not mad, at least not anymore, but devastated would be closer. On the road to rebuilding even. Told D that if it comes up again and her mom asks to be honest when answering. Better yet to have her mom ask me directly.

I really don't know what prompted this. Idle curiosity at best. Maybe cleaning her car off. Wishing her a good morning or have a good day. Friendly neighbor stuff.

I don't want to be a nice guy. I want to be a good guy. I want my wife with all her baggage. Of course she gets me with all my baggage so that is an even deal. I want the Turbine 2.0 to be accepted and permanent. I'd like her to give me a fair chance. I seek to be better in many ways. Inspired by her... I'll admit that. I have continued with church, exercise and more because I want to, beyond her returning. Because if that is the goal then why do or continue after getting to that goal. Nope, going to be a goal that is just a step or two ahead. One more set of curls. One more new word in Tagalog. Getting an unexpected smile or laugh or hug or kiss or anything that shows she loves me.

If God's plan is something else I can't see right now... well then the changes will be for the next R. I hope and pray the lady in that R is the lady in my heart still. Time will tell. I still love her so much.

[DejaVu6]

I hope so too Turbine.

[Turbine]

Home alone. Really is the pits. I could do something really stupid and permanent and no one would be able to change it. Some days hurt far more than others. I keep reading that it will get better. Emotional hurricane, cat ??? and it feels like I am out here ins a stinking little one man life raft like the pilots had in WWII. Wish it were a carrier to ride it out in better, or a sub and just dive below all this.

Off topic quickly. RIP Pres. Bush (41). I served under 40, 41 and 42 during my time in the Navy.

Lawyers have a court date and need paperwork form me. I guess that is jamming the throttle on today's ride. Is the only way to fix that is to do the required garbage paperwork?

Asking You to speed this up isn't how this works. All on Your time according to Your plan. So can I ask for and get the strength to handle today God. Looking at the sand there is one set of footprints. I want to walk with you , not be carried by you.

[DejaVu6]

Turbine... The only way to get past the pain is to go through it. It will not always be there. Things WILL get better. They HAVE to... time will take care of that part... you need to take care of you. Give yourself permission to focus on you and not on your W and your marriage. You can do this!!! (((Turbine)))

[Yail]

We all hear you Turbine. We are all supporting you from afar.

I keep reading that it will get better.

Something about this line stuck out at me. Are you reading too much? Focusing too much on the process and pain of it? I know some days I am. Do you have other books you are reading for a healthy distraction? If I had to take a wild guess, I'd put you as a Le Carre fan. Have you read all of his works?

[Turbine]

We all hear you Turbine. We are all supporting you from afar.

I keep reading that it will get better.

Something about this line stuck out at me. Are you reading too much? Focusing too much on the process and pain of it? I know some days I am. Do you have other books you are reading for a healthy distraction? If I had to take a wild guess, I'd put you as a Le Carre fan. Have you read all of his works?

Am I reading too much... Focusing on the process and pain... Yail, that is a fair question. So you deserve a fair and hopefully honest answer. I suppose I am. One thing I am good at is learning. I didn't have lots of good friends in school until junior high, 7th grade. I still have one of those friends and we get together now and again to catch up. Usually over a burger or something.

8th grade project for science class. We, as a class, were testifying before a committee about various energy sources. All of the students in the class had a role. Senators/Representatives, energy experts, environmental, eco groups. Well I ended up as the medical expert. I actually ended up knowing more than most of my peers. Ha.

High school. 4 years of English, Math and Science. Sure I had a few classes outside of that but that was my schedule. For "fun" I would go to the school library and take a random volume of the encyclopedia and read whatever caught my attention.

Navy, taught me nuclear propulsion and when I didn't requal I ended up studying gas turbines. There are steam turbines too so now you know why I picked my name. Made a few friends there but really only keep up with one and his wife.

First job out of the Navy, company sent me to school to be an electrician. didn't get to finish that though but I did learn more that added to my prior experience.

Worked a bunch of other jobs, picking up blueprint reading, machining, and a bunch of other skills. After getting laid off from one place I went to school and got a 2 year degree in electronics. W attended school with me. I tested out of a class because of her. She kept asking me about her lessons and homework. I hadn't even taken the class yet. I had to help her a lot. In hindsight I remember feeling frustrated that she didn't pick it up or retain it then. Lots of it she still doesn't. She is smart in many ways that compliment me. I compliment her too. Or we did. Now...

I know I would like (translates as want) to be the team again. We are each strong. I believe though deep inside that we are stronger together. Like an alloy.

As for what I like to read... read lots of La'mour, some Zane Grey, Doyle, Howard, Burroughs, Robert Jordan, Tolkien, several biographies, bunch of Scifi novels. The two books by Dr. Hawking. The list of what I want to read has grown.

New stuff. That might be mislabeled, IDK, please let me know.

So at the suggestion of a friend, I went to a different church. Outside of that friend and all of you reading this... its a secret. Not like the church my wife attend(ed/s) and that I am rejoining. *prayers on that front* Didn't feel right. I suppose my expectations about what constitutes a "proper" worship service has been set by my W. Not sure if I can or even how to share that with her.

"W, I was so wrong about falling away from the church. You were right. I am sorry you feel we need to be where we are for me to learn that. Please forgive me."

How does that sound? Boy does that feel nice to write that. It would be better to say it to her. With humility and honesty. Book learning is easier for me than some hands on. Current job though... get both in buckets.

Speaking of jobs. One of you was kind enough to ask about the offer pointed out by my D. There would be a slight pay cut. would have to quit the steady one now. If I didn't get picked up from the internship I would be searching for a new job at 56 years old. I know, Harlan Sanders had a spotty work record and didn't hit it big until he was 65 or so. Not sure I can rock the white suit or mustache...

So the roller coaster is not at the bottom right now. So I hope this peak lasts a little longer. It seems the drop and recovery are steeper. I think I would rather ride the "Vomit Comet" than this.

[Turbine]

Good evening everyone,
[(barrel of 2x4s) explained later]

At the top of this page Yail expressed his thoughts about my previous post. With that in mind I will try, very diligently, to maintain a better level of writing in my posts. As always please comment or ask if you think I missed something in my dual thinking.

On to the topic of the moment.

Last night I went to a different church. This morning I went to the church I regularly attend. It was a special service because it was delivered by the head of our church. Recorded but still this isn't done often. Now as I might have mentioned before the majority of the congregation is Filipino. The sermon and hymns were in Tagalog with subtitles in both English and Tagalog. Now, kindly remember I don't speak anything beyond a few words and phrases in Tagalog. I found that singing in English felt wrong. Maybe because I was one of a few singing in English. So I ended up singing in Tagalog. Not perfectly but it felt right. Struck me as weird then. Does now while I write this. I was even getting a majority of the pronunciation close to right. I hope at least to those listening.

Opening and closing prayers were also in Tagalog. There were headsets with translation available. I probably should have had them for the prayers. I read the sermon from the subtitles. I'd like to believe it was an unintentional language lesson. Vocabulary needs to grow. Grammar is more like Spanish than English, so I will have to work on that too.

Don't know if W was there. Don't even know if she attended today at another location. Would it be nice? I'd think it would be great. However I will try to continue the detach plan. Yeah, this paragraph doesn't sound like I am doing all that great there does it.

So what does all of this have to do with anything? Well I feel far more certain about my decision about returning to the church. I was a new face at the one last night and nobody approached me who looked anything like a deacon or usher or anything with responsibility in the place. Now to be fair to them I didn't approach any of them either. Walking around looking a bit lost ought to have been a clue. So... do I regret going? ...the answer is that I don't. I learned something about me last night and today. What I learned is (for better or worse) attending the church we got married in feels better to me than going somewhere else.

My trip to New York in October and attending church while I was there. I went to Canada to do that. The expression on the border guards face when I answered why I was going to Canada. His face was "like you can't find one in the states?" Not closer than 60 miles. What struck me was I got a warmer reception at that church and I was a complete stranger to them too. I stand head and shoulders over most of them. I think maybe two of my nephews and one niece are better than 5' 8". Not many Filipinos are that tall. A few so I tend to stand out. Boy did I throw some useless info out there. Ahh... flavor text.

Afternoon was spent with my son and a few friends. Was expecting my W to be home. ONLY because the past few weeks she had been when I had gotten home from my activities. Call it an expectation of a pattern. Is that a fail on my part with the idea... no expectations? Personally I thought that was more tied to my actions and expecting a response. Please correct me if this is a misconception on my part. [explained] I'll leave a barrel of 2x4s at the start of the post.

The other thing that I am wondering about is the idea of a "good guy". Can this idea be applied to women? so in effect they are a "good girl" in the sense they do something expecting compensation in return. Or am I misunderstanding that as well?

Well time to make something for dinner. Not really hungry so maybe some soup. Going to be canned tonight. Should get out the crock pot and make some soup in there. Can control the ingredients and salt levels better. Better me and all that.

[Adam04]

Afternoon was spent with my son and a few friends. Was expecting my W to be home. ONLY because the past few weeks she had been when I had gotten home from my activities. Call it an expectation of a pattern. Is that a fail on my part with the idea... no expectations? Personally I thought that was more tied to my actions and expecting a response. Please correct me if this is a misconception on my part. [explained] I'll leave a barrel of 2x4s at the start of the post.

Hello Mr Turbine,

Just IMHO, these expectations - Not only tied your actions and a response, I think you are feeling like its tied to your previous life and you are expecting the same previous response, she returning... Why? it's the reason you left the 2x4s out.

You ever watched wrestling? Do we need to call Hacksaw Jim Duggan up in here? He's 2x4 King.