What I learned from Wife's MLC

[paco123]

kiro,
I am very happy for you and your hopeful outlook.

I am 10 months into this. Still struggling, still hoping. I may give up eventually; just not today.

Ouch, ouch, ouch. Probably the greatest amount of emotional pain I've ever been through.

[kiro]

Paco, if the amount of pain we experience increased the chances of W coming back, my W would definitely have come back a long time ago. But unfortunately, there is no correlation. I went through my fair share of suffering and depression while my W seemed to be enjoying her new life.

It’s my time to accept and look forward to my new life. If one day in the future, my W asks me to come back, I’d decide then what I want.

[Adam04]

Kiro, thank you for sharing that timeline. It helps me put things into perspective. BD was 4 months ago. I've only been on DB for a few weeks. Still got lots to learn regarding everything. I know I am in early stages. I know when I think I have a handle on my feelings, nothing will guarantee that I'd feel better 10 months or 15 months from now.

I hope in time I'll be receptive enough to have learnt what I could be doing gradually so that whatever happens, I'd be okay.

I wish you happiness and peace on your journey.

[Chris73]

Hi kiro. Thanks for sharing.

It's taken me a year longer than you, but your post BD stages look similar to mine.

And I know it's been mentioned on this board many times, but it bears repeating that these stages mimic the stages of grief very closely.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

Obviously this is not a linear progression. On any given day I can experience any one of these stages... or all of them at once! But I think in most cases acceptance is inevitable with the passing of time.

Sometimes I think it's easier to deal with death than the loss of a spouse. Death is final and you can always remember the person as they were when they died (good or bad). But for us, when the spouse leaves for good it *feels* like death ...except that your spouse will continue to live on and evolve. And if you have children, co-parenting will be a constant reminder of what once was and what could have been.

When I first came to these boards I was looking for advice on how to save my marriage (after all, that's the click bait that brings us here right?). And of course all the advice was the same: Drop the rope, detach, 180, GAL, etc. At first I believed that these tactics would win my wife back but 2.5 years later I finally understand that they're really just coping mechanisms for me.

Detaching (etc) might have been the catalyst for my wife to re-evaluate. But the decision to come back needed to be hers. There wasn't anything I could do or say to force it to happen.

But that doesn't mean that the advice isn't sound, because ultimately whatever happens the LBS *HAS* to do these things in order to move on, with or without the spouse coming back.

Newcomers to these boards might be scared and discouraged once they realize that there are many more of us here who are facing divorce than are piecing. That really bummed me out during my first few months here. But every situation is different and the advice to detach is appropriate for all of them.

Maybe if I had understood that, it wouldn't have taken me 2.5 years to get here. But I don't think you can fully comprehend why detaching is so important until you go through at lease some of the stages.

[kiro]

Adam, thanks for your post.

Every situation is different and I'm sure everyone will have a different timeline. Some people are able to reconcile and others decide to move on.

But I wanted to share my story because when I first joined this group I used to read stories like mine and not understand why people were giving up so quickly. I didn't think that a year later I would say what everyone else was saying.

The truth is that you don't have a choice. At some point, you realize that either you decide to be happy or you can continue living in denial and pain all your life.

One of the things I did a couple of weeks ago is write a long list of all the bad things that could happen to someone in life and that we wouldn't have any control over (e.g. disease, losing a close person, natural disaster, accident, theft, etc.). How would I handle such a disaster? Would I stay depressed all my life and give up or would I remain strong and fight?

Then, I thought to myself that my W's decision to leave is similar to any of these other disasters. So why am I trying to change something that I don't control? It is time to stand up and fight.

If I had an accident and became disabled, would I continue to feel bitter all my life because I couldn't live the life that I had always imagined? Or would I, after some adjustment, accept my new situation and try to make the best out of it?

We seem to think that we have more control when our W leaves, but in reality we don't.

[kiro]

Chris, thank you. I don't think I could have said anything better than the way you expressed it. I agree with everything you said.

Your timeline in your signature seems a little different than mine. My wife left only a few months after BD, and she seemed to know almost right away that she wanted a D. There wasn't much I could do about it since she was explicitly asking to go to mediation and file for D. There was nothing really to argue. Was I going to tell her No and risk going to court, paying ridiculous amounts to lawyers and ending up paying higher spousal and child support? It was my best interest and my kids best interest to settle this in peaceful way through mediation. That's really what drove my 1.5 years timeline.

I agree with the stages of grief. I went through all of these stages as well. Actually, I am just very recently coming out of the depression stage that lasted 3 or 4 months. And I am still on anti-depressants.

And I am just starting to be at peace and accept, but I don't think I'm totally out of the bush yet. But as I said yesterday, it's the first time since this started that I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel and realizing that I don't need to go back to my previous life with my soon-to-be ExW to be happy.

[paco123]

kiro, re: your comment: when "I first joined this group I used to read stories like mine and not understand why people were giving up so quickly."

I have been re-reading "Man's Search for Meaning," by Viktor Frankl, which I recommend highly to everyone on this forum. It is full of hard-earned wisdom. Based on his experience in a concentration camp, Frankl writes one of the factors causing depression among prisoners was their not knowing how long imprisonment would last. He also suggests abnormal responses to abnormal situations are normal.

My abnormality consists of trying to maintain contradictory responses. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I am simultaneously:
(1) envisioning and creating a future independent of W;
(2) while hoping and praying that W finds courage in accepting responsibility for her unhappiness and in affirming the vows we made to each other; and
(3) giving her space while exercising patience and trust in her discernment; and
(4) avoiding the intimacy of other female friendships (I can only manage one heartbreak at a time).

Maintaining these contradictory impulses is exhausting and it is when I am most exhausted that I feel like giving up, considering I do not know if and when this "imprisonment" will end. During these times I try to draw inspiration from Frankl's theses: to sometimes suffer is the human condition; we can survive suffering by choosing actions that are true to our spiritual core.

I still get together with W's mom. We both agree that at this point, nothing short of divine grace will save the marriage. So, she and I continue to pray.

[kiro]

Paco, I hope your W will realize what she has done and come back to her marriage.

And I do understand exactly what you are saying. I went through the same phase, and to be honest 6 months ago, I would never have accepted to give up and look beyond the marriage. But everything comes to an end.

As I said before, if my W decides she wants to come back to our marriage (either before D is finalized or after), I will reconsider. But for the time being, she is not showing any signs that she wants back.

D is unavoidable anyway unless she suddenly changes her mind in the next few days or weeks. Once we will be officially divorced and having not lived together for over a year, what do I really have to hold on to? Nothing...

Believe me I am not afraid of suffering. I have gained a lot spiritually and have matured emotionally through this painful experience over 1.5 years. Going through the pain was necessary for my growth. But pain in itself is not a goal. It was just a mean for me to reach a certain state of understanding and learning.

I've also lived through similar contradictions. I remember for a long time, I would include in the same prayer, praying to God that He gets me out of my misery, helps me detach from my W, and find love with another woman, and at the same time praying for my W to come back to her senses. It didn't make any sense to pray that I forget her and at the same time for her to come back. But that's what I did for a long time.

I have to say that I am very happy of the way I handled my sitch for the past 1.5 years. I don't regret anything that I did. I am happy that I spent the first 6 to 8 months pursuing her, showing her love, apologizing for my mistakes and kindness and focusing on my flaws. And I am happy I then I distanced myself and started detaching. At least, I feel that I have done everything I can to show her I loved her and to protect my family.

But it's time for me to move on and accept what God has chosen for me. And be open to anything that will come up in the future.

[paco123]

Kiro, it does sound like you have much to be proud of regarding how you handled your challenge. You come across as thoughtful, prayerful, and loving. No bitterness towards your wife. May you always walk with your God beside you.

I hope I journey onward with the same amount of equanimity and generosity. Peace, my friend.

[Davide]

Kiro,

Thanks for coming on and sharing your story! Your thoughtful responses to everyone offer up a wealth of wisdom and hard-earned perspective. May you continue to find happiness and gratitude along this journey!