So I texted her, "Thanks for the mail, I updated my address last week so it should start forwarding soon."
Rookie mistake, Burninator! You fell for it again. She still has you on the hook and knows it. She will continue to run in the wrong direction until she feels that she doesn't. No matter what you do, she will try every tactic to make sure you're still hooked. She craves the control she has over you so that she can get what she wants when she wants it the way she wants it. Are you at all surprised that it was right after she hit a major obstacle that she started pulling this junk? She is losing control, knows it, doesn't like it, and is messing with your head. The fantasy is starting to crumble but that won't work in your favor, not for a long time, if ever.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I can't seem to stop this sudden, like...tightness, frozenness that happens when something unpleasant comes up. I just get stuck and cease to function. I think maybe I need to get MORE angry. Burninate the whole thing to the ground.
OMG, this is me. Or, it has been me at certain times in my life. You freeze due to fear? Is that what it feels like? Maybe even sometimes a mini panic attack (tunnel vision?) where words just won't come to you. Your mind is humming and filled with white noise.
The only way through is...through. You have to commit to action in those moments. Which is the opposite of what you're experiencing - you're feeling a complete inability for action. If I am understanding your feeling correctly, you feel so overwhelmed that hiding in a hole sounds like the only viable option.
I don't know how much I can help you, except that I've noticed when my confidence is up, my ability to make decisions and push through these moments is better. So be sure you're making decisions in your every day life. Don't eat dinner based on a default - actively choose your dinner (yeah, bacon cheeseburger & beer is a good one!). Don't just listen to whatever music is in the car, be sure you're deciding each and every trip what you feel like hearing. Making decisions in your life and being conscious of not sliding through is the best way I've found to boost my ability to stay present. And if you're present in the moment, you can work through those moments of fear.
Oddly (or not so oddly), I've been more confident since W left. I'm not sure that I'm glad this is happening, but I do know that I was not able to make decisions for the past portion of our relationship. I just always defaulted to not being in charge. And when you're on your own you HAVE to make decisions every single second. For me, that's what the backbone of DB is. Being sure that you're present in life, not just along for the ride.
I think you have a strong fear of the unknown. Me too. We have to learn to be comfortable in discomfort, and navigate on the fly. I blame Google. We are a generation that insists on instant information and being told the "right" way to handle something. We as a culture need to learn the art of failing with grace and pride.
You freeze due to fear? Is that what it feels like? Maybe even sometimes a mini panic attack (tunnel vision?) where words just won't come to you. Your mind is humming and filled with white noise.
Good description. Deer in headlights. These are always my WORST moments and the most IMPORTANT moments when I SHOULD speak my mind and never do, thus perpetuating my own fear of my own fear.
Originally Posted by Yail
You have to commit to action in those moments.
My IC has been trying for months to use concepts from ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which BTW is the basis of The Happiness Trap, which I ordered today, thanks to AS's recommendation). You have to commit! And I am terrified of committing to the fact that I am "dumping" W because...knowing myself, once I commit to that, there's no going back even if she wanted to. IC has been getting frustrated with my lack of progress in that domain.
Originally Posted by Yail
I think you have a strong fear of the unknown.
Yup, my primary obstacle. Months and months of IC and still haven't been able to overcome it. If it weren't for that, I would have kicked W out in April and who knows where we'd be now. Fear of the unknown prevented me from acting, so I got what I "knew" I'd get. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I tend to 'freeze' or as W puts it 'shut down' emotionally, which bothers her so much ... I'm not good on the fly emotionally--need to have things 'scripted' or multiple go-to responses I can choose from
This is self preservation ... if you go numb, then you can't be hurt. It's a default mechanism for many of us. I still do it and I am over a year in. Happened in the car today - won't hijack your thread Burn, but needless to say, something happened, he put me down ("why do I always have to do everything myself", and instead of saying "Please don't speak to me like that", I looked out the window. I saw it happening in slow motion. However, in my head I was thinking "why on earth do I even want to be with someone like you". So, that's something. In the past I would have been cursing myself for being so stupid.
B - stop beating yourself up. There was nothing wrong with your response to your W re the mail. You are doing great. Burninator putting one foot in front of the other indeed.
My approach is STILL too passive but I can't seem to stop this sudden, like...tightness, frozenness that happens when something unpleasant comes up. I just get stuck and cease to function. I think maybe I need to get MORE angry. Burninate the whole thing to the ground.
I dont think ANGER is necessarily whats needed. I mean, maybe, if thats your choice for fuel.
But you are correct. You need action.
So i ask you again, where are your goals? How are you doing in working towards them?
Be careful on how you use your anger. My scorched earth mentality (as a result of my anger) was a catalyst for getting into the sitch I am in and a reason why it has been going on for so long. Don't use your anger to get back or even for the things your W may have done or may be doing.
Use your anger to make YOU a better YOU. Use that as fuel to better yourself. Prove her wrong. Prove to her that she was a fool for leaving you. Show her.
OK, here's what it looks like in my notebook right now. I'm a bit confused as to how to keep track of all this stuff without having to re-read the list constantly. Like, how do I keep it at the front of my mind all the time? Anyway:
Overall goal: be a better person (more attractive, etc.)
A. develop good habits 1. make the bed daily for 2 weeks in a row 2. do the dishes before bed 3 days in a row (assuming I cook at home) 3. do pushups and setups every morning for 1 week (ankle still broken, no gym yet) -- this cross-links to C.1 below 4. cook at least 2 healthy meals per week, INCLUDING VEGETABLES and possibly meat, for 1 month
B. develop emotional control/regulation 1. write in gratitude journal every night for 1 week 2. attend IC sessions weekly (achieved, consistently) 3. take medication daily (achieved, consistently) 4. read one new self-help book per week (achieved 11/19/18, not achieved last week) 5. review one previously-read self-help book per week (achieved 12/2/18) 6. write a forgiveness letter to W (don't send) before the end of November (partially achieved, it got intense so I set it aside but it's already a page long)
C. improve physical health 1. daily exercise (see A.3 above) 2. use crutches and/or knee scooter daily (not doing great there) 3. lift weights with trainer once per week (he comes to our office twice a week) 4. drink no more than 3 beers per night for 1 week (consistently failed, in spectacular fashion)
D. improve social skills 1. leave the apartment at least once per day for any reason (achieved) 2. go to 1 Meetup event per week (achieved, but always the same one) 2.1. (just added) go to one NEW Meetup event per month 3. find and read a book about making small talk before the end of December (cross-links to B.4 above) 3.1. (just added) find and read a book about "dating skills" (ugh) before the end of January (cross-links to B.4 above) 4. find and attend a communication skills class/seminar/group before the end of February 4.1. (just added) find and attend a conflict tolerance/assertiveness class/seminar/group before the end of January 5. review "I Hear You" book (cross-links to B.5 above) and use those skills in at least one interaction per day 6. reconnect with at least two friends with whom I lost contact (achieved, in fact the two people I wanted to reach out to both contacted me, spontaneously, within the span of 2 weeks, so I gave them the sad news and they were very supportive) 7. correspond once a month with godmother/aunt (via email) -- she emailed me a week ago asking about how I'm doing, so there's an opportunity right there 8. send thank-you note to brother for a favor he did
E. enjoy time participating in hobbies and learning new things 1. brew a batch of beer that W wouldn't like (future goal may be to enter it into a competition, but let's pace ourselves) 1.1. find my brewing equipment (possibly in W's garage), or buy new equipment and ingredients online 2. visit one new city before the end of 2019 (this is the sort of thing I SHOULD have been doing with W, it's less fun alone) 3. read one non-self-help book per month (achieved Nov. 2018, just got a good one for Dec.) 4. plan backpacking trip on the AT for a week next summer (again, it was fun with W, but now I will have to do it "alone," but you always meet cool people anyway) 5. sell a photo 5.1. choose 10 best photos to print (I hate going into Lightroom because I always accidentally run into photos of W and of our life when she existed)...so: 5.1.1. create a new Lightroom catalog that only includes neutral photos, or 5.1.2. get rip-roarin' drunk, and just plow through it, and cry for a while and then be done with it 6. learn to play the piano 6.1 get a stand to put the keyboard on 6.2 ask friend who plays if he could teach me (bonus: social interaction) 7. learn one new song on the guitar before the end of 2018 8. learn to juggle?
F. do things for others 1. volunteer for 1-2 hours at least once per week 1.1. find a place to volunteer (achieved 11/28/18) 2. donate $100 to a charity once per month
I have a few other goals that are somewhat more important but difficult to operationalize like this. They involve catching up with unfinished work, and confronting several people to own up to some serious character flaws that I would like them to either forgive me for or tell me where I stand, stuff like that. I'll have to work on those. Rough draft:
G. stop procrastinating, learn to follow through 1. go to work for 4 hours for 3 consecutive weeks? 2. complete at least 1 unfinished project per week until the end of the year?
H. stop hiding mistakes, rebuild trust with various people/groups 1. have that talk with boss -- don't do to your job what your W did to you -- stand strong, admit your mistakes, accept responsibility for the consequences, deal with the fallout as it comes
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Use your anger to make YOU a better YOU. Use that as fuel to better yourself. Prove her wrong. Prove to her that she was a fool for leaving you. Show her.
Thanks P. I've been trying to be really careful about that. Whenever I catch myself thinking "I wish that b--- would suffer," I take a step back and ask myself, "Why? If I love her, who would benefit from her suffering?" And then usually I eventually get past it. Last night, not so much. Today, better. I'm fed up with myself because my life is kind of a wreck, and I had a realization the other day. For the last couple of years, coinciding roughly with when W said she started to feel like she was checking out, I had been spending WAY too much energy trying to fix and hide mistakes I had made in the past, which would inevitably come back to haunt me when I was no longer able to hide them (NGS). Late paperwork, forgotten tasks, things like that. So I'd get home and be scared that she would judge me for it, so I kept it to myself, she wondered what got into me, we all know how that sort of thing goes. So I got fed up and decided that that's really an unsustainable way to live and I just don't feel like doing it anymore. Could have saved my M? Maybe. Will prevent me from going through this again, as well as increase my overall quality of life? For sure.
Trogdor! Strong Bad was W's very favorite web "comic" when we first met and started dating. It's one of the reasons we first hit it off. Meh. That was then. This is now.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Thanks P. I've been trying to be really careful about that. Whenever I catch myself thinking "I wish that b--- would suffer," I take a step back and ask myself, "Why? If I love her, who would benefit from her suffering?"
I have that mindset as well. I feel guilty for having it, but then I think of the awful way she has treated me up to this point. The way W promised she would never do. Whether or not W is not who she was (and she's not), I still find it difficult to forgive for being such a massive hypocrite. And for that, I feel that whatever she get coming to her is deserved. I feel that she needs to feel the pain of her actions. I want her to know how badly she f*cked up and what she has given up. Hell, I even told her as much when I broke down crying and screaming into the phone a few weeks ago. I told her that she lost someone wonderful. She f*cked up.
I still have those feelings. No pity for what she is going through right now. Maybe someday. Maybe not.
You can or cannot use them. You know that my mindset is still muddy and that what I do is not considered DBing. I am just giving you my viewpoint and somewhat relating to the feelings you are having, albeit in your sitch, D is a lot further along then my sitch.
