B - firstly, I loved the interaction about fillet-of-fish between you and Adam. That was normal happy conversation. And it made me smile. Do more of that. Small in the grand scheme of things but it still made me smile.
Originally Posted by burned
Without thrashing a dead horse, it does stand out to me that her final justification for why we “fell apart,” before she stopped taking about it altogether (probably because she was tired of me arguing with her about why she was wrong, in my pre-DB days), was that I was always good at making her feel bad about herself, and that being with me was toxic and causing emotional damage (she may even have used the term emotional abuse at some point).
It wasn't always like that, though the tendency was always there. His sister and I use to talk about it before BD and we both felt it was because I was the person he was closest too ... you always hurt the one you love. I guess, that was true and perhaps why I put up with it. I wouldn't say it was toxic, but I could have dealt with it better. Each time he did it I would shut down. In any case his behavior became noticeable about 6 months before BD and downright unbearable between BD and MO.
Originally Posted by burned
I didn’t see myself as an abuser but then again I was bad at “seeing myself” in general
I don't think you're an abuser. You are a flawed individual like the rest of us. We all deal with conflict in different ways. I try to please, I try to charm, and if nothing else works, I shut down emotionally. Shutting down emotionally is effectively 'punishing' someone without telling them why. He said to me before he left that sometimes I looked at him like I hated him. That he wasn't sure if I loved him. He couldn't see the link between the way he action (berating me) and the consequence (me ignoring him). This is on me.
To understand why you react the way you do you would need to talk it through with your IC. My IC said it starts somewhere around 6 and 11. I have ideas about why my H felt the need to put me down but I doubt that his reasons are the same as yours. That you recognize it is the first step, the next is to understand, then you need to forgive, and lastly, you need to change. This is called growth.
Originally Posted by burned
Oh, but then again, she did cheat on me and lie about it, for months...so, that.
There is that. The she wasn't willing to communicate her unhappiness before it became a huge "exit" sign is on her.
Text from W: "I think I'll just sell the house. Would be a problem for you?" That's a paraphrase. She used the kind of language/tone that suggests to me that she is frustrated. Or not, who knows. It doesn't matter.
After a run of 3 good days, I was already starting to slide downward this morning. Then that. So, I am going for a little walk around the block, some deep breaths, trying to remind myself that I am a 35 year old adult who can handle minor annoyances like this. I'm not going to start spinning. That's what I'm telling myself. I'm going to dig into another project at work that isn't urgent but might distract me.
For the record, nobody has filed for D yet. Her actions are confusing me and I don't know what to make of them.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
So I sent my DB answer, short and to the point, "No, that's fine." No response from her yet, so...let her stew in those juices, not my monkeys.
I am being as strong as I can despite the urge to vomit and the feeling that the world is closing in on me. That's life, I guess. I have a lot more of these kinds of interactions to deal with over the next few months, so I need to conserve energy.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Burned, That's good, I just wasn't sure if that had been agreed to yet. Reaching out to a lawyer and coming up with a worst case scenario plan is a good idea. Just get things documented and a plan outlined with the lawyer, you don't actually need to proceed with anything.
I guess all I need to do is tell her what I'm OK with and what I'm not OK with. For now I think she's just flailing around trying to figure out a way that this will be easy for her. Part of that fog that Steve was talking about with you (Ryan). I don't have to make it easy for her. She talks a lot but I haven't seen any drafts of anything.
"I'll review the paperwork" if it ever materializes. Right now she's probably studying for finals. I'm sure things will heat up over break.
So I guess it's the gift of time. Postponing the inevitable, most likely. In the meantime I get to build up strength for the hard part.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
