Sorry to read about the D, Harvey. I can tell you it's just a piece of paper (it is,) that people do sometimes reconnect post-D (they do), or that it is your W's loss (it is), but I'm sure that is cold comfort right now.
Don't even bother yourself worrying about how she is reacting. There is an expression in Spanish "Caras vemos, corazones no sabemos" (faces we see, hearts we don't know.) Who knows what is going on underneath the facade. But, that isn't your problem any more. If you are keeping busy and comfortable in your own skin you are in a great place to move forward into the next chapter of your life. Keep GALing and working on yourself.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Sorry to read about the D, Harvey. I can tell you it's just a piece of paper (it is,) that people do sometimes reconnect post-D (they do), or that it is your W's loss (it is), but I'm sure that is cold comfort right now.
Don't even bother yourself worrying about how she is reacting. There is an expression in Spanish "Caras vemos, corazones no sabemos" (faces we see, hearts we don't know.) Who knows what is going on underneath the facade. But, that isn't your problem any more. If you are keeping busy and comfortable in your own skin you are in a great place to move forward into the next chapter of your life. Keep GALing and working on yourself.
Good stuff, David. I think I'm ready to move to the Surviving the Big D forum.
I'm at peace with myself and the sitch. I'm a good guy. I did what I could. It's all about moving forward. I got great advice here, but ultimately I think I answered my own "Why Keep Hope" question. My answer is that you don't. When WAW wanted D, my marriage was over. Once I lost expectations AND hope, I was much better off. Does that mean I could never see myself getting back together with my XW? I'd say it's very unlikely (she'd have to work on herself), but you can never say never.
I will probably be joining the same forum too, unfortunately! Take care.
You know what, my Dakota brother? It may not be an unfortunately in the end. Who knows what this crazy journey will bring us. I have extreme faith that God has great plans for me. Maybe we'll both find a better (and more loyal) fit for us.
Post D. Still GAL'ing and detaching. Right now, I find I'm better with those than 180'ing. That's a bit of a change. Detaching has been the tough one for me throughout this ordeal. I find that my self improvement has suffered this week. Instead of Bible Study, exercising, dieting, etc., I've been out creating dating profiles, drinking beers with buddies, etc. I really want to get back on track. Not that I want to lose touch with family and friends, but I need to find the right balance.
I will probably be joining the same forum too, unfortunately! Take care.
You know what, my Dakota brother? It may not be an unfortunately in the end. Who knows what this crazy journey will bring us. I have extreme faith that God has great plans for me. Maybe we'll both find a better (and more loyal) fit for us.
That is very true. Seems unfortunate now, but I, too, am trying to trust God's plan. He never gives us anything we can't handle. He must think all of us can handle quite a bit! If my sitch ends up in D, than I just need to trust that he has something better in store for me down the road. I choose faith! I sometimes lose track of it, but I've been trying to remain more focused on that faith as I move forward.
Keep on heading in the right direction and I'll see you around!
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Surviving the Big D doesn't get much action, so I'm going to continue posting here for now. I had posted this earlier in the evening.
Quote
I had a good weekend, but I really hit the wall tonight. Maybe it's because I will be staying with XW and the kids for a couple of days this week. Maybe it' s because I have't seen the girls in awhile. GAL this weekend involved going out with friends for all you can eat crab legs on Saturday. Today I helped my cousin's husband with some handy man stuff he was doing. I came home tonight and my heart is extremely heavy. It really does get lonely when the kids aren't here. I'm not really looking forward to spending a lot of time with XW. It really tore me up when we acted like we were a family after telling the girls a couple of weeks ago.
The evening got a little brighter after that. I had a good conversation on a dating site with a 39yo gal who is definitely my type. I know people are going to say it's too early. It probably is and it may not lead to anything, but at least it's a nice distraction. It makes me feel like my prospects aren't so bad.
Good to see you sticking around here a little longer.
You may very well be moving quickly (your sitch certainly did), but I don't think there is any one timeline for these things. Listen to yourself and your values and make sure that you are making decisions for the right reasons. If you take the time to listen and think, you know what to do much better than anyone on here.
Have fun. Enjoy yourself out there. The dating scene is a lot different post marriage than it was before, and there are a lot of adventures to be had and interesting people to meet.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Harvey - Don't overthink the dating thing. It is probably too soon to start a full on relationship, but as long as you are honest with yourself and the person/people you are meeting, act deliberately and with no expectations then I am fully behind you. Use it to meet some nice people and build up your confidence. When the time is right the right person will come a long. As a girlfriend from long ago once said, "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince".
I've responded on my thread on interacting with my H. It [censored]. I am healthier and happier when I do not see him. The smirks, the "urghs", the looks of disapproval, still make me shrink both physically and emotionally and all the hard work I put in to build myself up seems to be for naught. It will set you back in your healing. But, like you, in those two days, I do not really have a choice. My advice would be to keep your head up. Be polite but let words and actions wash over you. If you need to dissect, do it here. Do not use the two days as an opportunity to rub in her face how well you're doing. She should sense the changes through your actions and your 'amoafwl' attitude. Treat her like someone who helps look after your kids. Detached friendly. Logistics, practicalities and conversations about the children - that is your world for those two days. Also, validate if she wants to talk. But only if she wants to talk.
That's it. It won't be easy. There are some interactions that still send me into an emotional spin - but not very long. Ten minutes of quiet mindful breathing are normally enough to calm my mind now. But I've had more practice.
