Man, I do well detaching when I don't interact with XW, but the flood of emotions come roaring back when I'm around her. I didn't have a chance at stopping the D anyways, so I'm probably fortunate that we've been apart during this process. She did show emotion for just the second time since BD. She cried while telling me how I failed the marriage. Apparently, she played no part (she is overbearing and a bit self-centered, but I could deal with that). We had a disagreement over finances that spilled into her going off on a tangent. I must say that much of what she said was true (we did lose connectedness and I was sleepwalking through our marriage). Where I failed, it wasn't intentional. Just a rut that I got into. She didn't think I deserved even a chance at reconciliation, so I must move on. I forgive myself, but I also know to not make the same mistakes in my next relationship.
I think what really hit home for me in what my XW was saying (and I see it in my younger daughter) is that I get defensive when she would talk to me about things that she was unhappy with. I think it was a fair point. That is the one emotional improvement that I want to make the most. For my girls. I want to give them a role model for what a husband and father should be like.
Nothing new for me. I've had my girls, and I've really enjoyed the time with them. XW went from texting me a lot to NC. I haven't heard from her since last Tuesday. I'm keeping on, keeping on. I will be spending Christmas Eve with the girls and relatives. Then, XW is picking up the girls. I will spend Christmas without my XW for the first time in 18 years. I'm spending the day with family. I've gotten into a routine. I'll be alright. Emotions are up and down, but I know that will last awhile. I'm reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I have some tendencies, but I don't think I'm a full blown Nice Guy. There are things I can learn from that book though. I'm also reading "Children of Divorce".
Hey Harvey, Merry Christmas to you and your girls.
I like your update about being able to hear constructive criticism. My priest told me many months ago that it is easier to take offense then to take responsibility. For me, I was too thin skinned to hear that I could do better. It's been a 180 for me.
How's the dating going? Still doing the online dating?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I haven't started dating. I probably won't until next summer--when I get settled into my new city.
Today is friggin' hard. Dropped off the girls tonight after having them since last Saturday. My XW acted like I meant nothing, but please tell me she has some emotional pain from this.
Harvey, I asked that question about W feeling pain before and the vets gave me the best answer. If she is you would be the LAST person she would show it to. Seems like I have meant nothing to my W since she left. I used to wonder how she felt, enough time has passed that I don’t care anymore. You will get there as you get stronger. In your new world how she feels simply does not matter. Unless/until she shows at your door completely ready to do whatever you need to R the MR, you just keep on walking and making your new life. Terribly brutal, but amazingly simple at the same time.
And as you said on my thread, you are not alone in making that new unwanted walk.
Harvey, I asked that question about W feeling pain before and the vets gave me the best answer. If she is you would be the LAST person she would show it to. Seems like I have meant nothing to my W since she left. I used to wonder how she felt, enough time has passed that I don’t care anymore. You will get there as you get stronger. In your new world how she feels simply does not matter. Unless/until she shows at your door completely ready to do whatever you need to R the MR, you just keep on walking and making your new life. Terribly brutal, but amazingly simple at the same time.
And as you said on my thread, you are not alone in making that new unwanted walk.
Yeah, the unknown is what is hard to take. If I knew she didn't care about me at all, it would be easier to move on. If I knew she did, I might feel better. Or maybe that would make it worse. I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter. Today was better than the last couple of days. Made myself dinner, washed dishes, exercised, played some video games. Just kept busy to keep my mind off my sitch.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Where you that you were having interaction with your XW? Why not just drop the girls off at the driveway and go on your way next time?
Well, I had to bring in the girls' luggage. XW didn't meet me outside. She stayed in the house until I got to the door. Her Mom and other relatives were there. That was awkward. I'm at a loss on what to do. My XW wasn't WW, so I don't think completely ignoring her is the way I want to go. I just live my life, I'm cordial but I don't go out of my way to contact her, and I validate when I can.
Man, I've had a great breakthrough emotionally since Christmas. New Year's Eve didn't bother me much. Then, the last two days I was with my XW and the girls. That has set me back in the past because I longed for my old life. Not this time. I can say that I've grown immensely in emotionally detaching from my XW. I've had the advantage of my XW not being a WW, physical separation, and a quick and financially painless divorce.
What helped me was that for the first time I could see/sense/feel that my XW has doubts. I know my XW as well as anybody except her mother, and I now know that this is hard on her. I still have zero expectations that we'll reconcile. In fact, I've been talking to a cute gal that seems to be my type, and she's even younger than my XW. I may want to give her the chance to experience the AMOAFWL guy I'm becoming, but that's for down the road.
I often wonder why I have been able to detach quicker than most. Part of it is that my sitch has been favorable for detaching. Part of it is that I've always been comfortable in my own skin and handled adversity well.
What have I learned?
1) GAL, 180, and detaching are immensely important. It was important for me to stop doing it to try to get my W back. I started doing it for myself. These things are to better myself, so that my changes stick. Doing it with ulterior motives to impress my W did not work.
2) Let her go. Give her space. My XW is on a journey to find out what brings her happiness. So am I. We both need to take this journey.
3) Stay connected to God. My faith has helped me considerably during this time. I know God has great plans for me.
4) Stay connected to family and friends. They add a tremendous amount of value to my life.
5) Surround myself with good, alpha male types. Not jerks, but men who lead their families.
6) Take ownership of the mistakes I've made. Don't be proud. Work on correcting the faults that I have. Some of my mistakes/faults: a) not working on our relationship and letting the connectedness go, b) getting defensive when criticized, c) not leading my family, d) stopped listening to her and being ultra supportive of her, e) stopped caring about both of our wants and needs, f) stopped learning what makes her tick (should have looked at our relationship as my full-time job--instead of getting sidetracked by other things).
7) Forgive. I forgive my XW. Just as importantly, I forgive myself. My mistakes were not intentional. If I could do things over, I would.
8) Live with swagger. Fear nothing. Exercise and dieting have helped my self-confidence. I always dress and look my best. I've concentrated on remaining strong, calm, cool, and optimistic in all circumstances. I'm getting back to my old self, but a better version of me. I still have work to do, but I've made big strides.
9) Zero expectations. I commend people for standing. I did that for awhile, but I came to the realization that my old life is over. I need to make the best of my new life going forward.
I may want to give her the chance to experience the AMOAFWL guy I'm becoming, but that's for down the road.