Wow... she is pretty good at hiding things. How could she buy a house without her H knowing. Bizarre. And this was four years ago? So she has been making plans for a very long time. Yikes. Sorry about the public exchange. Hard to believe that we can get to this place with someone we loved, isn’t it? (((David)))
W inherited money 4 years ago and didn't tell me. I knew the house had been bought by her parents 2 years ago. They lied saying there was a massive loan on it. It turns out that they and W paid for it and have no loan on the house. I now know the plan was to keep that house for 2 years as her father said in a letter to someone when the house was bought. W left just short of that 2 years and moved into the house. W and her parents had it all planned for 2 years. I hadn't known. W started arguments over nothing and became very abusive whilst also telling me I was being paranoid and there was nothing wrong. Then W left and blamed me. I'm fortunate that I found out the truth by chance else I would still be blaming myself.
Wow. That is right up there with my H and his “treatments”. I just don’t know how someone can do that to a person they loved enough to marry and have a family with. Did things get a bit routine? Yes...absolutely. Before we moved, we were living pay cheque to pay cheque and spending more time in our cars than we were with each other. It was no way to live and neither of us were happy. The difference is that I blamed our circumstances and my H blamed me and his “feelings”.
I made the mistake of assuming my H had the same view of the situation as I did. This situation has taught me not to make assumptions about what is going on inside of people and to pay more attention to that inner voice that says something is wrong. There was a part of me that did not believe my H’s reasons for being absent but I said nothing. Once in awhile, I would ask a question about something that did not make sense but he always had a plausible answer and he looked so sincere, that I would just drop it. I thought that he likely did some treatment (which is where he got the idea) but most of the time, he was just hiding. Reading Happy Again’s thread was eye opening. Other than the wife being “angry” and a “bully” to him [I am definitely not that], my H could have written that. I know he felt controlled by me and overlooked. I handled everything...money, schedules, etc... I did this because those kinds of things are what I do well. My H likes to do his thing, work on his hobbies, etc... he does not have much space in his brain for bills, appointments, etc... so I became the CEO of the family and I think he probably felt much like an employee as opposed to an equal partner. The thing is... I hated having to do all that. I didn’t want an employee... I wanted a partner. But my H is a bit ADHD and whenever I would put him in charge of something, it was always a 50/50 proposition that it would get done. Often, he would just do something last minute or come to me last minute for help cause he had forgotten or something else had gone wrong. And I would lose when that happened because my H would feel bad but then also feel some resentment towards me. In a nut shell, he depended on me to do things in our marriage that he would later resent. It was a no-win situation.
I am nervous about the New Year. I am pretty sure that my H is going to want 50/50 custody of our children. I am not going to agree to it so I anticipate that our R is going to go downhill afterwards. What my H doesn’t realize is that for the 3 1/2 years that he was avoiding and running away from me, he was doing the same thing with our kids. If he saw them during the week, it was never for more than an hour and sometimes they would go days without seeing him. Weekends he saw them a bit more but even then, he was often out running “errands” without them (usually) and would always be gone before dinner. So my kids got really used to having a very part-time dad and a full-time mom. I’m the one who was there every day. My MIL as well. She, in essence, took over my H’s job. She picked them up from school, she helped them with homework, and she would be the one making dinner if I couldn’t make it home in time to do it myself. Now my kids are turning 11 in a couple of weeks and by the time all of this goes to court (assuming we get there), they will be 12. They are very clear. They do not want to live with their dad. They love him and they like spending time with him but they don’t miss him a lot when he is gone. They are used to it. They want to live in their home with their mom, grandmother and dog. They like their rooms and their neighbourhood. I have not influenced them in any way. They have both told me this and that two weekends a month is enough. If their minds were to change later on in life and they decided they wanted to live with dad or spend more time with him, I would, of course, be flexible. Even during the week, I am okay if my H wants to come by and see them. But he doesn’t. And he rarely contacts them when he isn’t here. He has been doing that more lately but that only started after I pointed it out to him. Even all those times that he was away getting “treatment”, he would rarely contact us. He never called to say goodnight to them. Sometimes I would text him. If he got back to me, it would usually take awhile and he would always tell me an excuse like “sorry...I was sleeping”. Often his phone would be on DND or off. Some weekends he would tell me that they were intensifying his treatment and that he would come home for an hour to see the kids if I wanted him to. As I thought he was an hour and a half drive away, I would usually tell him not to bother as I didn’t want him having to drive that much. We did this for 2 1/2 years and also the seven months before BD. My H says he loves our kids and I believe him. However, he loved his “freedom” more for all those years and his kids came second...always. So the 50/50 thing is something he has not earned and he does not deserve. The kids deserve to be where they want to be and to not have to travel back and forth and have “two lives”, the way my H did. If he had come to me to tell me we were in trouble in the very beginning and we had worked on it and still got to this point, I would be much more open to the idea. But he didn’t. He abandoned us under the guise of being too ill to be at home. As far as I am concerned, he made his bed and now he has to lie in it.
Anyway... that’s my rant for the morning. Time to get going on my day. Lots planned.
W is a federal employee and would travel a ton for work. Still plans to once she is done with maternity leave.
Earlier on in our MR, she would travel and admittedly I would be mad / resentful towards her--because I would be a single dad for at the time only S who was a toddler, and I was adjusting to new career as a teacher.
Eventually, anger / resentment faded on my part, and I've come more to accept it.
W will be spending 3 months in VA (on military base) for training for promotion starting next Sept.
She will miss: Xmas, Thanksgiving, YS 1st bday, OS 7th bday, as well as anniversary, Halloween, St. Nicholas Day.
I've thought with her talk of separation that 'she srsly expects me to be at her beck-and-call so she can travel, if she decides she wants out? Uh-huh sure.' Also have thought that if it ever gets to D, and then custody / visitation, then maybe her travel could work against her. Either she cuts back on that significantly, or I could get more custody / visitation, because judge would look at that. Maybe. Idk. Obviously ask a lawyer, but I hope it never gets that far. But I have thought about it.
Some practical advice ... get your facts in order then go speak to a lawyer.
1. Start putting together a timeline. Go back through your texts / emails. 2. Do you know where he was those four years? Was he renting somewhere (if he was, then you might have a case that he actually abandoned the family home long before you found out) 3. How often was he home vs how often was he away 4. If he were to have the girls 50% how would this work. Can he even logistically, practically and financially support 50% custody? think of reasons why he can't. List them down.
Lastly, what sort of custody arrangements would you be happy with? You need to find a compromise that you can live with. You can't start negotiations without knowing what you want.
None of this means you won't reconcile. However, it will give you a focus and hopefully get you to a place where, once you know the facts and you know what you are willing to live with, the fear won't be so overwhelming.
Also, don't tell him you've done any of this. This is for you and for you only. If it goes down that road, then at least you will be prepared.
Thanks FS. As soon as I get through the holidays... it’s on my ToDo list for sure. I don’t really have a record of exact days but my MIL are very clear that we would go days without seeing him and when we did, it was very briefly.
My H was over today briefly. It still really bothers me to see him. He looks like my H, he talks like my H, he smiles like my H... it would be so easy to forget...but I can’t and neither can he because he can’t seem to stay in my presence for longer than 15 minutes. There are many reasons for that, I’m sure. Even though he has obviously been a total a$$ for years, I miss the person I thought he was... my partner, my friend, my M2B (we used to say that about each other). I don’t know why I can’t get it through my thick skull that he is not that person and probably never was. He was such a good liar...probably even convinced himself. He says he is going to start going to counselling. No idea why. Not sure he would even be honest with a counsellor anyway.
Kids are back home. It was a long two days without them. We had some fun tonight. Decorated our Christmas tree, made some cinnamon buns, did homework and baked some banana bread. Well, I did the last one but they encouraged me...lol. I met with my hiking group. It was nice to get out with people. I ended up walking with a woman who is 57 and has been separated for three years. Sounds like things are before the courts. She just started dating someone...10 years younger apparently. Not sure I want to venture down that road. I don’t have a lot of trust in men these days. My H has really made me question my ability to judge a person’s character. He had me fooled for a very long time.
I am going on 1yr and 8 months and I still have my breakdowns I have also never been away from our kids. Since I adopted them I been there.
Therapist has help. I was told when is W week to turn TV on downstairs if I am in my room so it sounds like they are downstairs, let me tell you this help me a little. My d10 loves to be in room and listen to music I have now also turn her Music enough as if d10 is home.
I try anything that will help me. Am ok and adjusting without W. What am not adjusting is my kids not being with Me
As I told the court, how is this fair. W left us, abandoned kids and then When I took W to court to get everything in paper so kids be together I lose My 50% so W doesn't have to pay child support.
Unfortunately the system [censored]. It simply does.
My kids has also said they hate W house. Again by court W weekend they must go. Even if kids are crying they hate it over their.
It is sad to see kids hurt. Because of W my kids are mentally drained They simply are so tired.
Example I pick up yesterday the kids where so tired they fell asleep By 6pm is like they couldn't keep their eyes open. As I rechecked on kids. They where snoring as if they haven't slept in days.
I wanted to call W and say wth happened but I also know unfortunately What happens in W house is W rules...
Stay strong DejaVu
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Thank you Marina. I’m so sorry about your sitch with your W and about your kids’ unhappiness. They really are the big losers in all of this. I am grateful that when my kids are with my H, they are well taken care of and he pays a lot of attention to them. They were missing that attention before so it is good for them...and for him. He knows he has screwed up many of his relationships and potentially many more if people were to find out what he has been doing for the last four years. But his relationship with his kids is something he can preserve and improve upon. I am glad for that even though I am sad that it has to be at my expense... that full-time mom becomes less than that...and I have no choice in the matter. It will take a very long time for me to truly forgive my H for that and for robbing our children of the experience of growing up in a two-parent home. But as long as he is “happy”. I struggle with that. Not sure how someone can be happy when they are responsible for so much devastation. But my H is an expert liar and I’m sure he lies to himself as easily as he lies to everyone else. It must be a really lonely existance to not have anyone in your life who truly knows you and to have to keep everyone at arm’s length. I feel for him in that regard. He is missing out.
Thank you for the rock star complement. I promise I am far from that! Someone here once referred to me as a celebrity and my initial thought was, "Oh boy, I better by very careful about what advice I give, because people are really paying attention!" ... It is much easier to give advice to others than post about my own sitch. Some things have come up recently with my H and I have been triggered, seen his old (same) NG behaviors, and in the moment I feel so upset that I start to question why I ever took him back! Grrrh! He wants to go back to MC, but I refuse at this point. My H is back, but I am not them best DBer myself.
I wanted to add something about custody and hopefully ease some of the anxiety. During my separation with H, he stayed at his parents large home and we had the kids 50-50. School evenings he was at our house with them and I would stay out after work, and then on weekends he took them to his parents. Instead of allowing myself to worry or miss them, I used the time to GAL and nurture my other Rs. After all, even tho we parented differently, he was still their dad and it was their time. I recognize now how fortunate I was that it worked out this well. I also happen to have an H that is an involved parent, and so much that being a dad is his primary identity. Perhaps I chose him because my dad growing up was like that too: he was a NG that spoiled us kids, put us first, and mostly he gave up his own life to be a "good dad." Unfortunately for my dad (and my H at times), kids can lose respect for the parent when this happens. .... However, that was not the case at all with the father of my oldest D, and going through the court system was a total nightmare for me. I am not sure this story will help, but I will share it, as I do tend to believe these things (the good and the bad custody sitch) shake out as they should in time and the kids will benefit either way. They benefit if they have at least one strong person (parent) that will help them.
So here is my story about D20. My heart.
My oldest D (now 20) had a father who was very troubled. I left him when she was 1 (I was 21 and had known him from HS). He still fought me in court for custody. I often felt like it was more punitive towards me for leaving him than because he really wanted time with her. He would cancel visitations last minute, he would leave her with other people, he refused to pay support, and he would stir up drama with me all the time (I love you, I hate you, etc). It seems that all he had to do was walk into court with his head hung low and say how much he loved our D and just wanted to see her more (poor me, wah wah wah), and then they gave it to him. Every. Time. He would even admit that he cancelled visits, didn't take the required classes, and he would yell in front of the mediator. He still got what he asked for. It blew my mind! He would then cancel and go several weeks without even seeing her. Well eventually he got a girlfriend, seemed more stable, and started following through on his time with her. It was every other weekends and holidays by that point.
While he had the GF, he saw D fairly regularly. It was hard to let her go and I always worried they may not be taking good care of her. He was starting to show signs of mental illness and stories didn't add up. She would come back from her weekends worn out and sometimes filthy or ill. Maybe I should have taken him back to court but I didn't. I wanted her to know who he was and for them to build their own R, even if not ideal, and I didn't want to be blamed for taking it away. When she was 10 he started to have some bad episodes and fell off the map. We suspected he either went to jail or was hospitalized and his GF left him at that point. After some concerning calls and emails from him (sounding psychotic and dissociated) over a few months, he just stopped communicating altogether. She didn't see him for 10 years. We learned he died this year. I have come to learn he was bipolar, schizophrenic and had psychotic episodes. The silver lining is that now she is able to rekindle some Rs with his family, as they also stayed away from us. I think they were either ashamed or wanting to protect him, but my D had lost them all.
That was seemingly off topic and an extreme example, I know. But the moral of my story is that in the end, it worked out as it should have. When he was able to and willing, he saw her and they had a decent R. When he wasn't able to, he didn't, or she formed her own view of him. We helped her as best we could with the trauma and we had to have many conversations about why he did/said things and why he disappeared. Had he been more stable and seen her more (and continuously) that would have been a bigger inconvenience for us, but perhaps they could have had a better R. I wanted full custody and I wanted to raise her. I had a lot of worries about him. On the flip side, I am glad for the time that they did have. She still remembers him and her time with him and she understands now that he struggled with mental illness and that is why he was the way he was. She has her own feelings and opinions about him and their R. I am glad I gave up the control or she would have been left with a giant hole.
Crazy as it sounds, I sometimes wish that they had had even more time together. He was a complete mess, but he was still her dad and it was her right to know him as best she could (as long as she was safe). When she would come home and talk about her visits, I would try my best to listen and validate. We then talked about why our families were different, etc. We had several therapists help over the years. She is 20 now and she is quite well adjusted all things considering. She has had her own hardships, including her own mental health issues and having to go away to therapeutic boarding school in HS. In the last 2 years she has maintained several healthy Rs, a good job, moved out, and she is navigating what career she wants to pursue. She dreams of being a flight attendant. I know she is going to be just fine, despite the chaos with her dad. I know that because as long as I am alive, I will make sure she has what she needs and I will support her in navigating the rough roads. It only takes one person to make a positive difference! We all want to protect our kids, but instead of shielding them from adversity, sometimes the best thing we can do is help them learn how to handle it better.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you Blu. Sorry to hear about your troubles with your H. He sounds like a good man, flawed as we all are, but a good man nonetheless. And, btw, you are still a rock star to me.
I hear what you are saying about custody. I think things will work out in the end just as you said. My h gets off work 2 hours before me most days so would be totally fine with him coming over to spend time with them. I just know they want to live in their home and in their neighbourhood. I am hoping we can come to an agreement on support. I am not an unreasonable person. I just need time to recover a little bit. As you are well aware, when someone who you loved and trusted leaves you in this manner, it is very difficult to come to terms with it. I was married before... very different situation, very different level of respect and honesty. We dissolved our marriage with love...knowing that we were ultimately heading in different directions. The one thing about my first H that I struggled with is that I never felt like he loved me in the way that I thought a husband should. I resolved to never go down that road again unless I was SURE the other person loved me in that way. My first H was a friend for a long time and we grew to love each other so it is not a surprise that we parted as friends. My relationship with my current H, however, was very different. There were sparks. It was an instant connection. We were crazy about each other from the second we met. That kind of intensity was impossible to maintain over time. I knew that. I’m not sure my H did.
Another thing I have come to realize about my H is that he has never really stood on his own two feet the way I have. He never really left home. His mom always lived with him even though she always had her own suite in the home. But she was always there to rescue him if he screwed up. When he got married the first time, his W moved in and she took over where his mom left off. She “took charge” (also her strength) and took over all of the finances, etc... He very much felt controlled by her and told me that he always felt like she looked down on him. When they divorced, she moved out and he went back to paying his mom a small rent but never any other major bills. When he and I got together, I moved in as well (I had to leave my area) and I naturally took over where his first W left off. My H, quite frankly, had too many things going on to worry about things like expenses and bills, etc... But... I think he started to resent my role even though he encouraged it. So...fast forward 13 years and here we are again only this time he is the one who moved out. Honestly, I think him living on his own and being responsible for himself is not a bad thing... in a way, it seems like he is trying to live the life he should have lived in his 20s. His pattern would be to find another woman to partner with. I hope he avoids doing that and spends some time working on himself first. But...that is not for me to decide. What will be will be.
I had a nice talk with a social worker I know today. She says she knows several couples who were in relationships with not a lot wrong but ended up divorced because one of the partners decided they weren’t happy and that happiness could be found “out there”. I asked her how many found what they were looking for. She was quite confident that most of them figured out that the grass was not necessarily greener on the other side and they just traded one set of problems for another set of problems. Like I told my H, and he laughed, “you can’t divorce yourself.”
Anyway...not a bad day today. I have my pool league tonight and my H is coming over to hang with the kids. They are seeing him way more than they have in the last four years so I guess that is a good thing. So happy you visited my thread again Blu. You are always a welcome visitor. (((HUGS)))
I had a nice talk with a social worker I know today. She says she knows several couples who were in relationships with not a lot wrong but ended up divorced because one of the partners decided they weren’t happy and that happiness could be found “out there”. I asked her how many found what they were looking for. She was quite confident that most of them figured out that the grass was not necessarily greener on the other side and they just traded one set of problems for another set of problems. Like I told my H, and he laughed, “you can’t divorce yourself.”
I loved this section. It really spoke to me.
I think this is the case for a number if not the majority of the cases here. If your spouse or you are looking anywhere outside of yourself for happiness you are destined to fail. It is really just a failure to take responsibility for your own life. I say that having learned the lesson the hard way since I fell into that trap myself. Relationships help complement and fill out our lives, but can't make up for a shaky foundation of poor self-esteem or self-sufficiency.
Keep up the GALing, and let us know how the pool playing is going!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
