You know your intentions better than I do. However, if I perceived things this way....then likely she did too. Just a thought.
On the not sleeping in the bed, my guess is that would be a step back towards the MR even without you in the bed. And she is not ready to take that step yet.
Great point on her perception!
That's sort of what I was thinking, as well. Not that it matters one bit what her reasons are, I'm still going to continue as I have been whether or not she did decide to sleep in there or not, I was still somewhat curious what others' takes were on it.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
if you are an attractive, successful man, there will be a line of women for you to choose from. It only takes one moment, one night for you to get out there, talk to some women to realize "Holy cow, I forgot that women find me attractive. Beautiful women are out there and looking". It happened to me back in August and I was almost beaming after that night.
There are also beautiful women of good character to choose from as well. Your life will improve, one way or the other, as soon as you decide you want it to.
Even though I know my sitch is different in some respects from others here, I need to keep all this in mind.
For me, it’s also working on confidence. I realize that when things were really amazing in life, I had tons of confidence (or the other way around), and that was when I was the most attractive to women. I also remember that for most of my life pre-W, there was usually a young lady who was into me, or I had the opportunity (but often I didn’t have the confidence or self-awareness to cash it in). What I would tell younger Bo is that there are plenty of awesome, amazing, attractive women out there, and if this one doesn’t work out, another will come in time.
Yep, totally with you on all of that. I remember one girl, in particular, that I was super in to that lived in the apartment below me in college. We would flirt back and forth and after she "moved on" told me she was waiting for me to make a move but since I didn't, she assumed I wasn't into her. Not sure she really believed that and was probably using that as an excuse, because looking back on it now, it was probably more the fact that I didn't take the initiative to make a move and not so much what she told me her assumptions were. Not having the confidence to make the move probably cost me the 'attraction' she had in me initially.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
I’m just trying to prepare for the possible conversation.....what if she asks me to help her move her bed or some other large item? I’ve already decided what I’m going to say if she asks me to use my pickup. I plan on saying something like, “I’m not comfortable allowing you to, but I understand that since we worked together, our combined income paid for it, so I can’t really say no.”
What’s the best way to turn down her request if she asks me to help physically move anything? I can’t really use “I’m busy” as an excuse because chances are it will be some evening and I live in a small town where there isn’t anything going on on the weekdays. Plus she will read right through that if I did use “I’m busy” as an excuse. If she would ask on a weekend I can at least plan something and be busy so it would be valid.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Wanted, step back and breathe. Do not try to solve problems you do not have.
As far as helping her move, you will get split advice on this. My advice is to never help her with something you disagree with. Personally, if she is moving it is on her to figure out how to move her crap. Others will say that a little sugar here goes further than vinegar. Follow your gut.
I'd personally let her know that you are not lifting a finger to help her leave. But that is me.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wanted, step back and breathe. Do not try to solve problems you do not have.
As far as helping her move, you will get split advice on this. My advice is to never help her with something you disagree with. Personally, if she is moving it is on her to figure out how to move her crap. Others will say that a little sugar here goes further than vinegar. Follow your gut.
I'd personally let her know that you are not lifting a finger to help her leave. But that is me.
Wanted: Imaginary problems don’t make real problems better or go away.
I’ve also thought about this when / if W drops S / D bomb on me. Fat chance I’m helping you pack up, move out, whatever. I put together most of our present townhouse / living arrangement. She can barely clean up stuff on the floor on her side of the bed.
My gut is where both of yours are. I’m not helping and don’t want to help. Just didn’t know how to respond if she poses the question. I’m guessing AS or LH will be by to tell me it won’t matter either way. She isn’t going to D me or decide to R based on whether or not I help her move. There is probably a lot of truth to that!
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
My gut is where both of yours are. I’m not helping and don’t want to help. Just didn’t know how to respond if she poses the question. I’m guessing AS or LH will be by to tell me it won’t matter either way. She isn’t going to D me or decide to R based on whether or not I help her move. There is probably a lot of truth to that!
If you feel like it won’t make a difference either way, DON’T DO IT. Why create more work for yourself? (Like I tell my students—why create more work for yourself?)
She wants this bad enough, she’ll find a way (which is what I’ve been telling myself in my sitch, no matter what happens).
The problem is you and IHURT are still under the impression that this is a solvable equation. If I do X and Y and I am really nice about Z she will change her mind and not D me.
You are afraid that every time you have to say "NO" it deeper seals your fate. The truth of the matter your fate was sealed at BD. My best guess estimate is only 1 out of 10 change their mind PRIOR to divorce after BD. They think there is something better out there and nothing other then reality is gonna change it.
Do what feels right to you. If you don't want to help don't help. Just be firm on your decision.
I do not want to help and will be firm on that decision no matter what. I was just looking for advice on how to answer the request ahead of time the best way possible. I think Steve’s suggestion seems to fit.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
